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Author Topic: Have you forgive him/her ?  (Read 7743 times)

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Offline John2038

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Have you forgive him/her ?
« on: October 20, 2007, 10:54:19 PM »

As I'm quite upset myself, I'd like to know of do you do, yourself, to forgive your ex-partner to have contaminate you ?

« Last Edit: October 20, 2007, 11:19:39 PM by John2038 »

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2007, 11:32:27 PM »
"Contaminate" is a harsh word.....

I forgave my BF and we were engaged 8 days later. 
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline xyahka

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2007, 11:55:59 PM »
Hi, i agree with Cindy, contaminate is a harsh word. Infect is more clinical and perhaps more accurate.

About pardoning, well... i guess in few cases people are totally sure of who and how it happened, most of the time we tend to "believe" it was this or that way. As for myself i did my best to forgive the person i think was who infected me... though i admit from time to time strong feelongs towards him wake up inside myself... but i try not to let them grow, if it was him... he was not aware of his status by the time it happened. I guess that also makes a difference.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Falkore

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2007, 12:32:20 AM »
As for me, I don't know who it was.  I have some ideas but the people who may have been (partially) responsible have not spoken with me since I found out.  Even if the person knew he was positive and choose not to tell me, I decided long ago not to focus on negative ideas and focus on keeping myself as healthy as possible.  Focusing on the negative, on hate or anger, will only cause more drama then it's worth. 
Also, I can't be too angry at the person who infected me.  I was just as responsible as anyone else.  I was not raped or forced to do anything, so I am also to blame.  I am not ONLY to blame, but I must share the load of responsibility.

I also choose not to focus too much on the person that gave it to me because no matter what may happen to him, it will not change the fact that I have this virus.  No punishment I can create or think up will remove it from my system.  There is no need to hold a grudge because it won't change anything.

If I were to face the person who gave it to me I would forgive him because it's so much easier than staying angry.

Falkore
"Ain't no shame in my flame"
Date:          CD4:     VL:
10/02/05     568       2,070
11/18/05     541       2,970
02/17/06     442       4,720
04/17/06     510       1,100
07/12/06     391       3,050
Start Atripla
09/22/06     595       Undet.
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Offline Ann

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2007, 06:56:14 AM »
Yes, I've forgiven her.

Her? you ask? Yes, her - and that "her" is ME. I'm the one ultimately responsible for my infection and yes, I've forgiven myself.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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Offline snackprof

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2007, 09:09:33 AM »
No, and I still have explicit homicidal fantasies.  He quietly removed the condom during the act, without my knowledge.  He killed me, I want to kill him. 

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2007, 09:14:02 AM »
Like Ann, I forgave myself years ago. So yes, I have forgiven me.
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

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Offline John2038

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2007, 10:54:19 AM »
I forgave myself too. Her as well.
Because it won't change any thing doing otherwise.

................................... (no comments)
« Last Edit: October 21, 2007, 06:05:36 PM by John2038 »

Offline next2u

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2007, 01:47:42 PM »
unlike the majority of others who have posted on this thread, i have forgiven no one in the situation. not myself, not the prime suspect. when i feel like pointing the finger and laying the blame, it's pointing at me. so no, i have not forgiven myself yet. im going to, eventually, to progress in the healing process. i dunno know why i haven't yet, when i wake up everyday i toss and turn thinking about all the whodunits of my infection. after getting out of bed and starting my day things seem quite normal and my emotions are less drastic (its like my brain comes out, forgives and organizes the day). but because of this, the beginning of everyday, i cannot say i have forgiven myself, even though i'd like to believe that i have. after all, we all make mistakes, right? it's getting better, but the specter of blame still rears its ugly head, some days much longer than others, but only while im tossing and turning in bed.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline John2038

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2007, 02:43:01 PM »
Hi next2u,

buddy, why not forgive yourself ? You made a mistake, as anyone infected.
But you probably did it for love related reasons.

« Last Edit: October 21, 2007, 06:06:45 PM by John2038 »

Offline Bucko

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2007, 03:56:50 PM »
No, and I still have explicit homicidal fantasies.  He quietly removed the condom during the act, without my knowledge.  He killed me, I want to kill him. 

You are really good at posting from beyond the grave. Which ISP do you use?

Seriously, Ann said it best: Forgive yourself, do not look to blaming others for your seroconversion. Trust us who have been around this block a few times.
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline zeb

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2007, 07:08:05 PM »
no need to forgive myself,
and she may thank God she hasn't met me anymore.

nuff said

Offline 404error

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2007, 07:43:15 PM »
I was just as much to blame for not having a condom as she was.  We mutually agreed to have unprotected sex.  It's just as much her fault as it is mine.  I don't even like the word fault in this instance.  It was a bad idea.  If I saw her again I'd definitely hit it though.  She was hot!
A social critic who promotes equality...

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2007, 07:49:27 PM »
Forgiveness was never an issue for Matty the Damned as there was nothing to forgive.

MtD

Offline Mouse

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2007, 02:01:09 AM »
You are really good at posting from beyond the grave. Which ISP do you use?


Hahaha. Oh my god. I'm sorry, this is really immature. But I love you so much, Bucko.

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2007, 05:03:47 AM »
I totally forgive whoever infected me if he was one of the guys that I had sex with, after all, I knew the risks of unprotected sex. Although HIV was extremely rare at the time, at the very least I should have thought of protecting myself from other STDs (which I never got btw, only HIV). But, I haven't found the culprit so to speak b/c as far as I know none of them is poz. Of course they could be hiding it really well. If I got infected by that dirty abortion I had in 1997 at a tiny clinic together with numerous women, due to a strike in the public hospitals which forced us to be referred there, I don't forgive them for a minute, I want them to burn in hell for this and I whoever sent me to that shithole by allowing the janitory staff at the hospitals to go on strike to join them there. But I will never find out (unless one of my ex-partners suddenly reveals himself to be poz), so I move between forgiveness and anger. I am not angry with myself. I am not angry with the guys. I am angry with the clinic, esp. b/c I can't f****** find out. I have only been able to meet other women in my situation. That's as close as I got, finding out I am (if that's indeed how it happened) not the only one and hearing from doctors I am not the only one, although nothing is published on this as far as I found out.
I do wish I found out on of my ex-partners was poz (not that I wish it on any of them, just to unravel what happened). For a while I thought it might be an ex who has had a gay experience when he was younger but it's not him for sure nor any of the others. I am sure I will not be mad with a guy if I found out, or with myself. I'll be relieved to know I was infected in the "normal" way and there was no malice involved (I am lucky though, b/c so many people have been consistently lied to in a relationship). It sucks having this mystery. I just wish it was another human being.
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline megasept

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2007, 04:52:33 PM »
I hereby forgive each and every one of the tens of millions who "gave us" the disease by the time I was infected.

Moralizing, shaming, criminalizing, stigmatizing, while Rome burns. FOWARD MARCHED THE 500...
[/i]
 8) -megasept (not CONTAMINATED nor DIRTY nor UNCLEAN nor DISEASE-FREE, THANK-YOU!)
« Last Edit: October 23, 2007, 04:55:26 PM by megasept »

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2007, 02:55:59 AM »
yes it took me a very very long time but I did. I know who I got it from and I thought he was negative because he had just come out of a long relationshp where he swore he was monogamous. I mainly had to learn to forgive myself though. I always used protection and this was the one time I didn't.

Offline mike in VT

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2007, 06:01:51 PM »
This is a great question

Here are some excerpts from a blog I wrote this past July.

It was 24 years ago this month that we met in that motel room.  Though it was a one time encounter I remember it well.  It was a night that I will remember for the rest of my life...    I am sorry that it has taken so long for me to write this letter, I should have done it long ago.  You gave me two things that would be with me  for the rest of my life.  One was the memory of that night with you, the other I would not find out about until a year later.  For the first one I thank you....   It was not sex that we had, it was love if only for a while.  Forbidden love in so many ways and we both knew it.  We both knew that this was an unspeakable act.  We knew the very mention of it could and would destroy both our futures.  To this day I don't understand how something so right could have been so wrong.

The second thing you gave me that night was HIV.  Little did we know, on that second day we met, our futures that we tried so hard to protect were already on their way to destruction.....   I hold NO ill will towards you.  I do not remember you as the person who gave this to me and do not blame you for it.  I remember the very special moments we shared and the joy I felt, the joy You gave me.  If we were to meet again tomorrow I would shake your hand and give you a gentlemanly hug.  I would not and do not hate you.  I can not hate a man who has given such a wonderful memory.  I want you to know this where ever you may be.  I hope that your life has been blessed with good health and fortune..... 

You will always have a special place in my heart and it is a very good place.


As you can see the answer to your question for me is yes and no.  Yes if he had been to blame I would have forgiving him.  He did not know he had HIV so I can not blame him.  I don't blame myself either.  It was a choice I made and I have to live with the consequences.  For me Blame served no purpose.  My HIV status was a fact and blame was not going to make it go away or change it.  The task was to get on with my life, and that is what I did.

Mike
« Last Edit: October 24, 2007, 06:08:41 PM by mike in VT »
Mikey

Offline traveltramp

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2007, 06:40:42 PM »
Forgive?..... I forgive myself.  I must take personal responsiblity for my actions and non actions.  There is no one "else" to forgive or to blame.  Do I somtimes feel angry, sure.  Do I somtimes feel joy, sure.  But in the end it is me who is responsible for this, no one else.  Just me, only me.  Do I know who it was... yes..... with me.  Do I know when.. yes, with me.. Do I know how.. yes with me. 
5/7 SEROCOVERSION
7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline Paulette

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #20 on: October 26, 2007, 11:10:50 AM »
First let me say my story is a little different because my -ex husband knew his status when we were married and i knew my status which was negative, should have demanded to see his clean bill of health( my bad ,my mistake for that i blame my self and yes i do forgive my self )  and before we were married in July of 2001 we always practiced safe sex up until our wedding night, for over over two years this man deliberately infected me over and over and under the sanctity of marriage, for he knew his lethal status and failed to disclose it to his wife (me). And this conniving and manipulative sex fiend who deserves no mercy or forgiveness from me. As each day passes that i continue to live with hiv, i am victimized all over again, for the most part i try like hell not to think about it, for the anger and the hatered that i have for him will only be satisfied when he is in a box six feet under. I'm sorry if this offends anyone for that's not my purpose of posting this , but this is how i feel.
Who took action and criminally prosecuted him  for his actions and to call it reckless conduct is an insult to his dying victim.
Paulette
I have HIV; it doesn't me;)

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2007, 12:19:51 PM »
Paulette

you are definately not the only woman who was lied to dweliberately in a long term relationship or marriage. There are many more women [and men too most likely though i am more familiar with the women's stories] like you on the forums. I am not one of them but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. Anyway although I was not lied to I completely justify you and I wish him hell too! But I hope for your sake (quality of life) you will be able to move on and put it behind you at some point otherwise the unspeakable one will have a victory. And he shouldn't. What happened when you prosecuted if I may ask?

All the best,
« Last Edit: October 26, 2007, 12:21:54 PM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Paulette

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #22 on: November 24, 2007, 11:16:16 AM »
Paulette

you are definitely not the only woman who was lied to deliberately in a long term relationship or marriage. There are many more women [and men too most likely though i am more familiar with the women's stories] like you on the forums. I am not one of them but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. Anyway although I was not lied to I completely justify you and I wish him hell too! But I hope for your sake (quality of life) you will be able to move on and put it behind you at some point otherwise the unspeakable one will have a victory. And he shouldn't. What happened when you prosecuted if I may ask?

All the best,


Well they gave him 10yrs do 5 and he is now up for parole and at first i was against him getting out but now after being in the forums, my views have changed and yes now i have forgiving him and I'm able to move one with my life even though at times i do miss him and now understand why he didn't tell me, ( all the anger i once held wasn't making this go away, it only added to the problem) I can say this is a great place to get to know what's in people's mind and how everyone reacts differently.  I only wish i hadn't let my anger get the best of me. But you can't turn back the hands of time and there's no need to cry over spilled milk so to speak.  this place has helped me in more ways than i can say. it has taught me to forgive and to live.
Thanks for asking.
Paulette
I have HIV; it doesn't me;)

Offline minismom

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #23 on: November 25, 2007, 04:02:00 PM »
We knew exactly who infected Mini and openly and loudly forgave her the second we got Mini's diagnosis.  We have never had a harsh thought against her.

Mum
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Offline mesu

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #24 on: November 25, 2007, 09:12:28 PM »
I think I have forgiven him and myself. He sent me an email telling me he was infected and asked me to get tested in September. I replied to him, was nice to him and wished him good luck and to take care of himself.  ...I didnt hear back from him and he never apologized for infecting me (even though he didnt know he was poz). 

I didnt need him to care about me. I just need one simple sentenance from him: "I m so sorry for infecting you as I didnt know I was HIV positive"

I am not mad at him as i dont care anymore. so i think i have forgiven him, but I will NEVER forget who he was.
Jan/Feb 07 - infected :(
Sept3: cd4 162; 13.5% VL 24,000
Oct5: cd4 68 13.6%
Nov6: cd4 205  14.64%
Dec10,07: cd4 188  15.67%  VL: 9900
FEB15,08: cd4 242 18.62%
Mar10/08: cd4 219 15.64%  VL: 7300
May26,08: start Truvada and Sustiva
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Sept 2011: cd4 435,  36 %,
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VL: undetectable since July 08

Offline geegee

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2007, 02:43:59 PM »
i am not sure of who infected me and it doesn't matter anymore.
all that matter to me is to stay healthy and alive.

Offline Winiroo

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #26 on: November 29, 2007, 03:42:57 PM »
Fault I suppose would lie more on his part than mine as HIV was more relevant in his world than mine and I was ignorant where as he wasn't. But I chose not to place blame. It served no purpose other than to make me angry and bitter and I choose not to feel that way.
Hating him for infecting me wouldn't make me not HIV positive anymore. He has been dead for nearly 7 years.  I'm not in love with him anymore but I have some fond memories of him. HIV wasn't one of them. But I cant undo the past. It would totally screw up  and change the wonderful me that I am today. LOL

I guess I could blame ignorance and hate that I was naive. But again that would serve no purpose other than to make me feel bad. I prefer to feel happy and silly. It suits me better.

Depending on the circumstances I can see someone hating their infector. I was infected by someone I loved. Maybe that makes a difference.


Offline vokz

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Re: Have you forgive him/her ?
« Reply #27 on: December 06, 2007, 02:30:56 AM »
What is there to forgive?

We were two consenting adults who stupidly did something that we knew was inherently risky .. so if there is anyone I should be blaming / forgiving, then it is myself.

As soon as he found out that he was positive, he told me and suggested that I get tested (and offered to come with me). That one very difficult act is one hell of a lot more than most people would / can do .. and for that I am eternally grateful.

I don’t even have a need for him to know that he infected me (and have gone out of my way to ensure that he doesn’t find out).

We are still the very best of friends and will, I hope, remain so for a very long time indeed.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2007, 02:50:55 AM by vokz »

 


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