Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

I guess i will call it depression

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kitty1:
I have been married to a negative guy for six months now.  Before we got married we had sex and he later said he did not feel it was right to have sex before marriage.  We stopped and as a woman and me being on hormones (contraceptives) I turned off the sex light.  We got married, didnt even have sex on our wedding night. We have sex once in two months besides the fact that i am just 30 and am supposed to be on my sexual peek.  Worse I found out I was positive, he accepted and said it was alright and it was not going to change a thing.  Well, things have changed, I am not affectionate due to the fear and discomfort of having sex and end up infecting him and he also hasnt been agressive.  And as a woman this has just got me physically detached from him.  I feel i am around my brother and wish  could find somene else to have sex with(cheat).

I somehow feel guilty because i feel I have put his life on hold.  I am in a new location, I relocated due to the marriage, no friends to spend time with, I am not working so I find myself getting depressed all the time.  I try to hide it but I cant take it any more its killing me. I hate having t put him through this.  I am regretting having married him and thatswhats killing me.  I want to tell him to go on and date whoever he wants to.  i wouldnt mind.

Andy Velez:
Hi Kitty,

In reading what you've written it seems to me there's more involved here than just HIV as a concern. Relationships often are not easy and all kinds of things come up. Beginning a marriage, even when the two people care for each other can be fraught with difficulties.

I suggest you see a therapist or other professional and get some support with what's going on. Talking things out in a safe setting can make a huge difference in getting clarity about what's going on. And it's not something to struggle with alone.

Keep us posted on how it's going.

Cheers,

Bucko:
Kitty-

Your post reminds me of my life shortly after I was diagnosed. I was in my mid-30s and felt as though I should settle for a flawed relationship with a very flawed man because it was all I deserved.

Sex was pretty much a non-starter for us, as even at the best of times it was rushed and troubled by fears of HIV. Being diagnosed really nailed that coffin shut, and I really thought that the possibility of fully-integrated happiness (lifestyle, sex, success, the whole ball of wax) just wasn't in the cards I'd been dealt.

The feelings of dissatisfaction and distance grew until his drug addiction consumed him alive, and I got out by the skin of my teeth, bankrupt and all alone in a strange place and with no friends or support.

In the three years since I sent him back to Boston I've made some pretty good choices and some pretty terrible ones, as human are wont to do. But even at the worst, it is better finding my own way than being freighted with an unproductive relationship draining me of my soul.

Paulette:
Kitty i can  totally relate; i to rushed into my marriage with a neg-person and our sex life isn't  what it should be, not because of him, it's just me. everytime we do make love i lay there and cry in fear that I've infected him, yes we are very safe but the thought is in the back of my mind and i think forever will be. He knows my status and has from day one, but it makes me wonder why he would put his life @ risk, his is just a great guy than can look beyond my Hiv, or is just plain stupid? I guess that's a completely different issue.  sometimes like you i get depressed over it and wonder would it be better if i were to be with someone like myself positive.  My husband and i have been together for three and hafe years we will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in Jan 2008. but I'm beginning to wonder if i rushed into a relationship with him.  I've never been by myself; there is a fear of being alone, you can tell that from this being my fourth husband,  sometimes i get depressed for putting all this on his plate. but then again he knew what he was getting into we when we got together.  i read my bible when it gets to hard to deal with and that helps , i also try to meditate, laugh, listen to music and dance my butt off in my living rm when on-one is at home at helps. i also find that if i go work in the yard or write  in my journal that helps.
Just know you are not alone:)Paulette

Paulette:
Oh i almost forgot
talk to your doctor they got great meds out there for this as well.
;)paulette

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