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How do you learn to trust yourself and others?

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Iamrick:
Hi All,
  It's been over a year since my partner died and I am trying to start living my life again. I have found that I'm having some trust issues with this guy I'm seeing. He seems ideal for me, especially right now. We have more in common than any other person I have ever been with. He does not want to put a label on our relationship at this point and that's fine with me. I'm just feeling a lot of the same distrust that I've felt in my past relationships. This is a cycle I want to break badly. I just don't know how to do it. I already know I should talk to a therapist but that's not possible right now. So any advice you  can give me would really be appreciated!!!! Thanks

xyahka:
Well... i think there is always a level of uncertainty in any relationship... though that uncertainty usually gets confirmed by some details in the behaviour of the other person that indicates something could be not be that good. In my opinion one should always pay attention to details and try to read between lines.

Ah... and another useful thing, lose the fear to fail when it refers in love.... our strenght and wisdom is built from the mistakes we have done before. Wish you all the best bro.

Juan Carlos

marc11864:
 Rick,

 First, give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to venture out. That's no small feat in and of itself after losing a loved one. As someone who has struggled with trust issues most of his life, I think it's safe to say some level of mistrust is still a healthy thing. It doesn't seem at this point as if it is keeping you from meeting people so that's an up side. Embrace that as a real positive for yourself because it's working the way it should be if you ask me. My trust issues reached a point that I only felt comfortable initiating a LD relationship... WITH SOMEONE IN THAILAND! ;D That being said, it's worked well for us as I've been forced to actually get to know him well.

 What are some of the things relating to mistrust that you've experienced that have felt like negatives either with this person or others in the past? Mind you, I'm not talking about instances where you may have been wronged. I'm talking about when you felt mistrusting and it was undeserved. Were you reacting to something that occurred or were you creating some fantasy in your head about events?

 With growth comes vulnerability. Which means that if you seriously want to get in touch with these feelings better, you may need to expose yourself somewhat with your "guy". This could mean opening up and letting him know that you have some trust issues that you need to work on. Communicating clearly to him when you feel the mistrust coming on will be important. Unfortunately, this is all kind of a catch 22 in that at some point you need to trust that he won't run away or take advantage of the situation.

 Take it slow and then take it even slower. Gradually, you will build up a safer and safer level of trust with him and before you know it, you'll call him a true friend! And honestly, if you can't call someone a friend first, what's the point of getting involved with them?

 Anyhoo, that's my two cents. Hope that I gave you some good advice.  :)

 Marc

DCGUY2007:
I just bought a book online called "Reinventing Your Life...How to break free from negative life Patterns and feel good again". I find it very interesting . I got it used and it only cost $11 from Amazon books. I find reading some good self-help books helps me a lot

Also trust your instincts with people. I haven't always done this and that is what has gotten me in trouble. I have also found trust takes time. A person actions over time will help you decide if you can trust them. You have the answers I think even if you may not want to see them sometimes.

marc11864:

--- Quote from: DCGUY2007 on October 05, 2007, 01:29:20 AM --- ...Also trust your instincts with people. I haven't always done this and that is what has gotten me in trouble. I have also found trust takes time. A person actions over time will help you decide if you can trust them. You have the answers I think even if you may not want to see them sometimes.
--- End quote ---

Man, if there was ever anything to take to heart, what you said is it. I think many of us actually wind up pointing in the wrong direction so to speak, specifically because we are taught either by others or by ourselves or even both to doubt our instincts. There's a reason for that little voice in your head. You should pay attention to it more and listen to others less.  ;)

Marc


(Modified for spelling corrections)

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