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Author Topic: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.  (Read 8940 times)

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Offline dorjus

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I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« on: September 24, 2007, 10:22:34 PM »
Guys I am so sad and lonely. I am 38 and have nothing to show for it. I just had 3 mini strokes and lost my husband in March. Now I find out my roommate is letting a hooker stay here and there is nothing I can do about it. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and have no meds.
I am a good person that doesn't lie and does not do drugs anymore and I quit smoking. NOTHING I DO IS GOOD ENOUGH. I have no friends. Nothing but my 2 cats and now I may lose them because she wants me to leave. NO MONEY, NO FOOD, NO FRIENDS, NO BOYFRIEND OR HUSBAND, AND I LOST MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD TO KEEP HER.
I WANT TO DIE. I may go soon. I just wanted to cry out hoping, maybe someone can help or give me words to keep me here. I feel nothing but sadness. Lonliness. dread.
God please, I want to go home. Please let me come home.  :'(
D

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2007, 10:26:34 PM »
Dorjus,

This may seem a stupid question given how you feel but do you have an HIV case worker you can contact?

MtD

Offline dorjus

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  • Posts: 49
Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2007, 10:31:42 PM »
yeah and he is sending an application out to this program where they can help if you are approved but it isn't available until November. I have no money to buy food, pay rent, or put gas in my car to get a job. I just want to go to my bedroom and take the meds and let God take over. That is how I feel. I don't know what else to do. I have noone. My daughter can't help and she doesn't deserve to be brought down by my problems. I had everything until my husband died.
D

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2007, 10:37:42 PM »
OK Dor,

I get the feeling that it's your circumstances having overwhelmed you which leads you to feel like you want to die. I'm not saying the feeling isn't real, but that if some of your material problems are alleviated your feelings about this might change.

I'm also concerned that you're an unmedicated manic-depressive (bipolar disorder). Is there any possibility of your case worker arranging an emergency psych appointment?

MtD

Offline dorjus

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2007, 10:47:20 PM »
I don't have a doctor anymore since I moved. Have to get a new one. I was on 2. One for panic attacks and one for bi-polar. But right now I will call a doctor because you are right. I love life, I love God and Jesus, I am just so lonely and scared. I never been on my own like this. EVER.
D

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2007, 10:51:52 PM »
That's the spirit babe. I didn't think you wanted to die. You just wanted the bad stuff to end.

Call for help babe.

Regards,

MtD

Offline dorjus

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  • Posts: 49
Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2007, 11:26:02 PM »
lol I did. I just called like 3 of them and hopefully they will call back. Thank you. I do feel better since I talked to one guy and talking to you guys. I feel more support from people on here who I don't even know, then I do from "friends" or family. THANK YOU. LOVE YA LOTS.
D

Offline milker

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2007, 11:36:31 PM »
lol feels good. I'm glad you reached for help on here.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

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Offline DanielMark

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2007, 05:53:16 PM »
I don't have a doctor anymore since I moved. Have to get a new one. I was on 2. One for panic attacks and one for bi-polar. But right now I will call a doctor because you are right. I love life, I love God and Jesus, I am just so lonely and scared. I never been on my own like this. EVER.

Dorjus,

Since you say you are a person of faith, I want to ask you if you know the story of the Ten Boom family, who during World War II were persecuted and many of them killed in concentration camps because they dared to harbour Jews who were being sought for execution? I will post a summary here for you to consider:

   The Ten Boom family were devoted Christians who dedicated their lives in service to their fellow man. Their home was always an "open house" for anyone in need. Through the decades the Ten Booms were very active in social work in Haarlem, and their faith inspired them to serve the religious community and society at large.

   During the Second World War, the Ten Boom home became a refuge, a hiding place, for fugitives and those hunted by the Nazis. By protecting these people, Casper and his daughters, Corrie and Betsie, risked their lives. This non-violent resistance against the Nazi-oppressors was the Ten Booms' way of living out their Christian faith. This faith led them to hide Jews, students who refused to cooperate with the Nazis, and members of the Dutch underground resistance movement.

   During 1943 and into 1944, there were usually 6-7 people illegally living in this home: 4 Jews and 2 or 3 members of the Dutch underground.  Additional refugees would stay with the Ten Booms for a few hours or a few days until another "safe house" could be located for them.   Corrie became a ringleader within the network of the Haarlem underground. Corrie and "the Beje group" would search for courageous Dutch families who would take in refugees, and much of Corrie's  time was spent caring for these people once they were in hiding. Through these activities, the Ten Boom family and their many friends saved the lives of an estimated 800 Jews, and protected many Dutch underground workers.

   On February 28, 1944, this family was betrayed and the Gestapo (the Nazi secret police) raided their home. The Gestapo set a trap and waited throughout the day, seizing everyone who came to the house. By evening about 30 people had been taken into custody! Casper, Corrie and Betsie were all arrested. Corrie’s brother Willem, sister Nollie, and nephew Peter were at the house that day, and were also taken to prison.

   Although the Gestapo systematically searched the house, they could not find what they sought most. They suspected Jews were in the house, but the Jews were safely hidden behind a false wall in Corrie’s bedroom. In this "hiding place" were two Jewish men, two Jewish women and two members of the Dutch underground. Although the house remained under guard, the Resistance was able to liberate the refugees 47 hours later.  The six people had managed to stay quiet in their cramped, dark hiding place for all that time, even though they had no water and very little food. The four Jews were taken to new "safe houses," and three survived the war. One of the underground workers was killed during the war years, but the other survived...

   Four Ten Booms gave their lives for this family’s commitment, but Corrie came home from the death camp.  She realized her life was a gift from God, and she needed to share what she and Betsy had learned in Ravensbruck:  "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still."

Nothing lasts forever Dorjus, not the good nor the bad. (((HUG)))

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline dorjus

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Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2007, 07:09:33 PM »
 :'(That is so beautiful. Thank you.
D

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: I want to die. I want to just go home to God. My body is tired.
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2007, 06:01:41 AM »
You are welcome, Dorjus. I believe it is also true that "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still."

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

 


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