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Author Topic: My husband gave me HIV  (Read 35015 times)

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Offline Why

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My husband gave me HIV
« on: September 22, 2007, 10:21:48 PM »
My doctor just confirmed my positive result on 9/11 and I am just devastated, shocked, stunned, in total disbelief.  My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for alot longer.  We have 2 kids, just had the 2nd a few months ago. Now both of us are positive.  The kids are thank god OK.  I had no idea about his past, I had a feeling but I asked him questions back then and he lied flat out.  I asked if I should be worried about anything and he said no, he said one time deal with one woman, wore condom, nothing to be worried about.  The the week when he found out I was truly, positively positive, he feeds me info in bits and pieces, saying he slept with loads of "people".  I was aware of one woman but not loads of "people".  I keep thinking he may have slept with both men and women.  Then last week, he told me he slept with men, that's he's bi.  I don't know how to deal with his revelation, my diagnosis, his diagnosis and the betrayal.  I've only told one person and I am scared to tell my family even if I did not do anything to cause this. Maybe it's meant to be, esp that we've only had sexual contact twice this year.  I am just in disbelief and have trouble coming to terms with everything.  I am not sure what to deal with first, my mind is running a 1000 miles a minute.  Any advice would be helpful.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep when I get home from work.  When I wake up, I then realize it's not a bad dream but my new reality and my heart is crushed.  It hurts so so deep.  What I can't handle is the fact that this could have been prevented, that he did not put his family first.  I don't know what to do, just don't know what to deal with first.  I fear for my kids' future, our future.  I am so devastated and hurt, my lifesaver right now is the valium my doc gave me.  I'd appreciate any advise.

Offline milker

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2007, 10:43:57 PM »
Hello Why,

you came to the right place. There are women and couples here that have gone through the same torments and will be able to give you advice. There is also a part of the forums that is reserved for Women, feel free to ask question in there too.

I can feel your pain and disbelief and i'm sorry you have to go through this, but you made a good step coming here for support. It will take time to separate anger, fear, and gain trust again. But it is possible to do, we'll help you as much as we can.

Milker.
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Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2007, 11:23:11 AM »
Dear Why,

I'm glad you found your way to our site.

What to DO? For the timebeing I'd say don't "do" much of anything. You've just been handed a gigantic shock and it's going to take time to sort out your feelings about it and to know what are the right actions for you take. If there is anything to do it's to make sure that you have a good doctor to work with who together with you will help to keep you healthy.

As long as you're having your numbers monitored regularly you're not going to fall through any HIV black hole. Obviously the emotional aftershock is huge and will take time to sort out. You might consider seeing a therapist or other professional where you can say everything openly.

It's good to know your children are HIV negative. That must be a huge relief to you. HIV is not an easy virus to transmit so you don't have to be concerned about their becoming infected in the ordinary course of daily life together.

In terms of yours own health, as big as all of this is, you need to know that with good ongoing healthcare there's every reason to believe you can continue to have a full and healthy life. Gradually you're going to learn everything you need to know about staying healthy. Along with your doctor's care, good nutrition, exercise and all the things that are important for everyone also apply in this situation.

With regard to your husband it seems like you two have some conversations to have. You may want to enlist some professional help in dealing with that.

You're always welcome here to ask questions and to discuss anything that's on your mind.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline SecretKeeper

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2007, 04:29:19 PM »
Why -

My heart goes out to you.  That is so much to deal with all at once.

What helps to keep me going every day is my kids.  I have fears about my future as their mother, but they make me want to wake up each day living.  I try not to think about the future with this disease - only the present.  And at this moment I am healthy.  I love my kids.  That's what matters to me.

(I also find it helpful to rant and rave and vent on the forums as much as possible - it helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings.)

I wish you the best.  Hang in there - it's a long ride (so I've been told).

Offline emeraldize

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2007, 06:05:56 PM »
Hello Why,

I sense the ache you are experiencing as evidenced in your screen name.

I remember the first hours, days, weeks post-diagnosis and I did not have this forum to which I could turn. So, for you I'm glad that you've arrived here while you must know I am sad for your arrival at all.

Having three other people in your life certainly complicates what is an overwhelming life change when one is just caring for one's self. In some ways, however, your children will be a godsend as they will distract you from your worry, forecasting and frustration.

As Andy stated, their negative status is, I'm sure, an incredible relief to you and, to your husband. I sense you are a strong, competent woman and that you will come through this intact. As with many major life shifts, try not to make any huge changes that will further knot things up for you. Try to keep as many things as calm as possible for yourself and especially the little ones.

Please don't hesitate to visit the Positive Women forum. Lurk or post or both---just know it's there. There are serious topics, humorous posts and enough empathy to get you through rough patches. You can come in from the storms and rest there, and perhaps even find a complete change in the weather while reading.

Tender Regards
Em

Offline zeb

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2007, 06:59:35 PM »
Hello Why,

I feel so sorry for you! Not only you are cheated but you're also infected. And what a horrible way to get infected!!! I really can imagine there's a lot you have to deal with. Health, marriage and worries about the kids and the future.

So if there was no application for a life insurance you perhaps wouldn't have known for a long time with all the bad consequences... Well, you and your newborn were/are put in a life endangering situation. My god how horrible!

Well, some solace: more and more I hear it's regarded as a long term manageable illness. So I hope you'll do well! And yes girl, you really have a lot to think and feel about. I hope you'll make the right decisions.

Be strong and I wish you best of luck!
Zeb
« Last Edit: September 24, 2007, 02:48:00 AM by zeb »

Offline Lostgirl

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2007, 08:38:07 PM »
Dear Why

My heart also goes out to you and I know how devastated you feel.  I am also in the same position of having discovered 4 weeks ago that my husband has also infected me with HIV.  We have been married for 14 years and he also admitted to having one-night stands about 4 or 5 times in our marriage.  We do not know whether it was one of these occasions or before we were married that he became infected. We only discovered a month ago as my husband became so ill.   I now realise that when it was contracted is something I don't consider vital to worry over.  What I need to do, and what you need to do, is consider yourself first and foremost in that you need to find an Infectious Disease Specialist you can trust and feel confident in and get yourself as healthy as possible both mentally and physically.  I have good days and bad days and so will you.  I am also on anti-depressants and they do help with the awful feelings I was having. 

I am so glad that the children have not been infected and if you go onto the Women's Forum you will find many positive mothers successfully raising their children and who will give you so much support, guidance and friendship.  I bless the day I found this website.  The advice and friendship I have discovered have been invaluable.  You must remember that it is a virus, just like many others, which although can't be cured (just like many other lifelong conditions) can be treated very successfully with medication.  Please keep in touch through the forums and you will be able to find guidance for every decision you have to make.

Wishing you well.
LG
Lostgirl

Offline Movingon

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2007, 11:50:30 PM »
Dear Why

I am very sorry to have read your story. But what i will say is this........ be happy for the fact that you have 2 great kids, who are healthy. I had been married for just 6 weeks to my wife when i tested positive, we were at the beggining of something very very special, them BAM - the news. We really want to have kids but now although possible, it will take time, money, patience and good health to make it happen. My wife tested negative thank god, and we have to get her tested again in 3 months.

All i can say it that IT WILL GET EASIER , but it will take time. You need to take baby steps first, as just getting through a day, and a week will be tough.

I echo everyone elses suggestions about getting a good doctor who you can trust - i am not sure about anti depressants cos i have never taken them, but if you need them go and ask your doctor.

Dont panic - we all feel your pain and we can hear your crying, we have all been there, and some of us continue to go there sometimes still , but i DOES get easier, trust me.

Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk

Best wishes to you

L&S

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2007, 06:34:43 AM »
Why,

I have to confess that there are a couple things here that don't quite make sense. Please don't take offence but I have to ask.

You say you had your recent positive test confirmed, how was the result confirmed?

You see it's possible that your recent pregnancy may have triggered a false positive ELISA test. I know your husband is positive, but the other thing is that makes me do a double take here is the sero-status of your new baby.

If the child is only a few months old it's it's extremely impossible that he or she would return a negative antibody result so soon. Babies born to HIV positive mothers have maternal antibodies (ie yours) and thus antibody testing isn't reliable in such kids until they're around 18 months of age.

The alternative method of testing in such cases is to use PCR-RNA testing which requires a sizeable blood sample to be taken and isn't done until the child is closer to 12 months of age.

Please understand that I don't ask these things to call your honesty into question, rather to flag the possibility that you may not be HIV positive.

Best regards,

MtD

Offline Paulette

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  • Posts: 112
Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2007, 07:14:18 PM »
I know the pain and confusing you are going through, because I've been there.  It's hard to deal with knowing that the one you love and gave your heart /body/soul  to betrayed you like that. For me: my ex-husband knowingly infected me(never disclosed his positive status  before or after we where married, we even tried to get pregnant(but it never happened thank god). i don't really know your whole situation, but i can feel your pain.  For me it was harder to get over the fact that my whole marriage was based on a lie. one from a selfish man would had already buried one wife this disease and seen the devastation and suffering that it caused her and had the nerve to infect again with no regards to ones life.  He said he loved me and was afraid that he would lose me if he had told me, but that was a lie ( i would have loved him anyway and we would still be together, instead of him being in prison for knowingly infecting me(he got five years). If he really loved me he would have protected me instead of infecting me.
And the more my disease progress's the more i hate him and wish him death.  I'm not saying divorce him or have him put in prison(because for me i now have to live without the one i truly gave my all to the one i love and that's just as painful. Check out the women's forums They are great ! :) I can say that you are doing the right thing by checking out the forums and Poz site( for me they have giving me hope. Wishing you the best.

Paulette
Poz since  11/7/2003
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CD4-843

I Have HIV, it doesn't have Me ;D
I have HIV; it doesn't me;)

Offline Paulette

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2007, 07:16:54 PM »
P.S.
I almost forgot; don't let anger get the best of you and your husband, like i did. it ruined my marriage because i acted out of anger instead of LOVE
Paulette
I have HIV; it doesn't me;)

Offline blacky1980

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2007, 01:23:08 PM »
Welcome to the forum. Sorry about what happen to you . your husband will pay for it. I am happy your kids are ok. It takes time to accept it, but you will be fine. I was diagnosed in june 2007 I took it hard at first. I accepted and I refused to let it take over my life. Stress weakens the immune system so you have to find a way to cope with it. Your kids are the one 's that going to make you strong. I will say a prayer for you. I wish you the best. The guy that infected me we dated for 1 year and he had for three years prior to us dating. I will leave him in god's hand.
Blacky1980

Offline pozattitude

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2007, 05:09:14 PM »
Why,

I am so sorry about your testing positive, but  I am glad that you found us.  Welcome to the forum.
Milker already said it, but here it goes again...there are many people in here in situations similar to yours, the women's thread would be a good place to get good support from other women like you, and we have the most amazing women here with us, you will be in excellent company.
I am glad that your children have not been infected, it always hurts me the most when I learned about kids, so there is good news in there.
I understand your pain and I wish I had the right words to tell you to make it all go away, but the best I can do is to let you know we are here for you, whatever reason it may be..you can vent, cry, ask questions or just read what others have to say.
I wish you all the best.

Rich
POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline what a life

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2008, 11:38:37 PM »
I really don't no what to say. This is all new to me also. The depression has kept me in bed for days. I think I got it from a girlfriend I broke up with two years ago and thank god the girl I have been with for the last year tested NEG. I have really kept this to my inner circle Parents, sister and girl friend. There are terrible stereo types people put on us and you can always tell someone later but you can't take it back. I have chose to kept quite at least until I get a grip on this myself. I wish you and your kids the best. Find a good doctor it has helped me.
I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. Why me? The past is history, Tomorrow is unknown and today is the present "a gift"

Offline Pepino2

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2008, 12:07:17 AM »
Hello Why.

While I do understand your pain, nowhere do you or anyone talk about HIS pain.  How would you feel if you UNKNOWINGLY infected someone you loved most?  How does one live with him/herself?

Figure it this way, your husband was/is a victim of all this too.

My nick is pepino2 for a reason.  We called ourselves the 2 pepino's long before we discovered WE BOTH are the victim of this decease.

I hate to see the increased litigiation surrounding the "who infected who".  As if ths is a legal issue and not a medical one.  Do you beleive in pink triangles and tatooed bar codes?  We both don't, even if we are divorced today (yes it did tear our marriage apart). Today, we are trying to stay friends and that issue has been put to rest....for now.  One of us will/may eventually fall sick....will the other one step up to the plate to help?  Is it a question of who infected who?

I don't think so.  Its all about love and growing.  I hope and wish that BOTH of us will step up to the plate.....hope our individual families and communities will too.

I feel you pain Why.   But your nickname is all wrong.  There is something beyond Why.  That is LOVE.

I love you both with all my heart.....ALL of us.

Pepino2
« Last Edit: January 18, 2008, 12:21:58 AM by Pepino2 »

Offline Benoit

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2008, 11:01:40 AM »
This is a very sad story of a wife being infected by a cheating husband and it must be devastating to learn that he was playing around with other people, but in doing so he was playing around with your health by being thoughtless and reckless as regards to you. when a partner cheats its all very well for them to take the risks of unprotected sex but they dont have the right to put a partner at risk. As we all would know, if your partner used protection then you wouldnt be going through this devastating time. If you can forgive then its better all around but its not being infected that can ruin your marriage, but the fact that your husband cheated on you and you pay the consequences of it and if he can cheat on the mother of his children then he'd cheat on anyone. So forgivness can be given if your marriage is worth saving but forgiveness doesnt mean he'll remain faithful but you just need time to come to terms with being hiv+ and then sort out what course your marriage take with the damage being done, but your husband must feel devastated this has happened to you as well as nobody cheats to end up wanting to get hiv and infecting a partner as well but sadly there are many married people who are unaware that a cheating spouse has brought hiv
into their marriage.
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Offline Veritee

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2008, 03:05:03 PM »
I am sorry that I am so late in responding to you - but I have not been on here for a while.

All I want to say is I am in exactly the same position in that my husband of over 20 years was also unfaithful and got HIV and gave it to me.

We only found out when he became ill with AIDs and I was unwell myself.  I am 55 years old diagnosed in jan 08 and have a teenager who is now 19 who is of course fine and does not have HIV as I got it long after she was conceived and born - so I guess I am lucky in that I do not have younger children?

I do not know what your situation is with your husband now but all I can say is that I am here for you if it will help to talk to me.

My husband and I have been to hell and back but we are making a go of it. He too has suffered and paid for a breif mistake in a way that no one should.

In some ways we are actually happier than we have been for years as he has had to retire and so is home with me rather than working away for months at a time - he was a merchant seaman away for months at a time and to a degree I blame his job as he would not have strayed if he had not been away and lonely -

Anyway here is my story: http://www.people.co.uk/news/tm_headline=my-husband-caught-aids-then-infected-me&method=full&objectid=20607784&siteid=93463-name_page.html

here is my blog: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/
All the best to you

Veritee

I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

Offline peregrine

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2009, 09:40:35 AM »
Dear Why,
My heart certainly goes out to you.
I am a female who also got HIV from my BF.  He says he was not aware of his status but I am not so sure this is true.
Anyway,...I know trust is a big issue for you now.  If you are like me then you probably don't have much of a libido anymore.  But, if you continue with your man he has got to understand that you both must be very careful.  You guys need to take care of your health and no more risks should be taken to contract STDs!  Insist on condom use and get with an infectious disease doc for treatment.  I realize this is a devastating thing to find out.  Believe me, I think about it every day.  I have not revealed my status to family or friends and do not intend to do so.  I am just hoping that eventually a cure will be found for this.  Until then, there are at least some excellent meds out there and you just have to take it one day at a time.  Love your kids, love yourself, and don't waste your love on those who don't deserve it. 
Lots of love, hugs, and kissess to you.
Peregrine.

Offline SEXY50

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Re: My husband gave me HIV
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2010, 11:29:03 PM »
I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELIN I WAS WENT MY HUSBAND FOR 24 YEAR AND I AS MYSELF HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME NOW WE ARE NOT TOGETHER AND I CAN NOT FIND NO ONE TO LOVE ME SO LONELY WENT I TELL A MAN I AM POZ THEY RUN SO I JUST HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH AND SAID THANK YOU GOD
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LONELY.......BUT KEEP MY HEAD UP

 


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