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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall . . .

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After 17 years of looking at the HIV+ face and body in the mirror, I see a person whom I'm just beginning to recognize. Before HIV I had nice round cheeks, a flat stomach, muscular arms and legs, bright blue eyes and great clear skin. Today the person who stares back at me in the mirror is much different than the person who use to be on the other side. He has sunken cheeks, a large belly, stick legs and arms with little muscle tone, dull blue eyes and skin with a new rash every other day.  I'm a survivor. I get up every morning shove a hand full of pills down, pray for no nausea or diarrhea, head off to work. There I have people ask why my belly is so large, my face thin and when I'm seen in shorts, your legs are so skinny in comparison  to the rest of your body. Yes to them I must look like some kind of freak.  I wear larger clothes to help hide the bumps and bulges. But when I see the person in the mirror I see a hero, a survivor, a person who can fight just about anything. 

I can relate to what you are saying all too well...

I hate mirrors these days.   Even worse, are photos.   The photos some have posted of AMG make me shudder (the ones of me, I mean).   I look like a skeleton with a big belly, and my face looks like wax melting off the bones....

But, like you, I am a SURVIVOR.   I am trying (but not always succeeding) to love me, just as I am.   I also am going to try to take better care of myself, even if I can't afford a gym membership.   It is important to stay active.  I have lots to see and do yet --  my niece's wedding someday.....maybe she will have children that I'll get to see.....who knows, maybe even some more AMG's.


fuck all that. I hate looking like this. I hate the questions. I hate the stares from old friends.  I hate not being able to tell everyone that I look like this because I was on oral chemo for 20 years. I admire you for finding a way to get past it,I try something new everyweek and try not to look in the mirror.  I am in a really bad mood cause I am in the second week of my latest attempt at a no carb diet.  When I lose weight all the humps and bumps just look bigger. fuck it.


I"l try this again, my other post disappeared... Hate that when that happens !

I look back at pictures taken in 2002-2003, and I hate it. I never realised at that time how bad I looked, after loosing 30 pounds, but at least the weight came back on, granted more in the stomach than I care for. I also don't belong to a gym, Ed's been bringing it up on occasion, but I am just not the person to go to a gym. The thing that bothers me most is my eyes. I could sleep solid for 8 hours, wake up, and it looks as though I haven't slept in a week.

Yes, I hear what your saying, but you want to know something, I am at a point , where I don't give a crap, what people think/say anymore. Usually I can just give them the eye, and they will back off ! I am still here, I'm alive...look a little like shit at times, I have good days and bad days, but I am glad to still be in this world. And I decided I am not leaving this world until I see this fucked up mess get better.  :-\

Take care of yourself----Ray

mr positive:
hi there, i applaud you.. it takes a lot of courage to live with HIV.. and you are a survivor. But mirrors only reflect back the surface, they don't reflect what's inside, and inside you are beautiful.. you are love itself.. I myself have had hiv for 5 years, and almost died of pneumonia and cmv last year. But I decided that i would start to live and love my life.. I became a life coach and hypnotherapist, with the purpose of finding a way to beat this disease.. people tell me it can't be done.. but then people told edmund hilary he couldn't climb mount everest or roger bannister couldn't run the mile in under 4 mins... besides i have actually spoken to someone in brazil who has been completely healed... it can be done... we just have to find the way... i'm writing a blog, and intend to keep an ongoing journal of my healing journey.... any comments would be warmly appreciated. it's at  again, i applaud you


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