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I give up! Jonathan and others, this is shocking!

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Moffie asked to hear from some of those who are newly infected and what we think. This thread is important to me for a variety of reasons. I have noticed it is not uncommon for the new, myself included, to this site to include a cautionary phrase or two which are of the equivalent of "don't take this the wrong way OR please don't hurt me OR please, try to understand, I'm doing the best I can to phrase my thoughts, in a sincere attempt to learn, and even teach, without a shread of desire to inflame, incense, confuse, derail anyone else's efforts, topics, hopes or desires." Although I've opted many times not to contribute when I truly wanted to, perhaps this is the time and topic that is most important for me, to date. So, for a moment, envision a blue-eyed woman with short hair, a great sense of humor and a gentle voice is saying these things to you with an intensity that convinces you that Possibility is an ever-present word in my thinking and speaking. While I care about maintaining physical and mental health, spirituality, etc. just knowing there are those on this site; not on this site; in this country; not in this country; who are not getting their needs met, or, are, and the resources are under immediate threat---that alone is significantly more important to me than anything I can address on my own behalf without outsiders' help. While self-care is important, that I do it, enables me to move outward. I'll clarify.  Recent (Moffie) for me is nearing three years. August 20 is the anniversary date. And, those three years, while an incredible adjustment, have been three unmedicated years with numbers such that it appears I'm likely a long-term non-progressor. Yes, I'm participating in research studies that some of you are already aware of and some you're not--studies of the brain, drug studies requiring treatment naive folks, etc. I participate on my clinic's consumer advisory board. But frankly, in the ways that would count the most, (as I know there are no guarantees for me, this is just the point on the continuum where I sit right now), I'm not sure where to put any energy, how best to do it and with whom. I don't claim to know how best to help the home team and I am just as motivated to help the away teams! No matter when the virus came to light or no matter when this website came into existence, people will be walking, jumping, diving head first, stumbling, and hopefully not choking in this stream of HIV information, and sadly, at least for the foreseeable future, that will be so for some time to come. If those who know the inner workings of the systems best, the faillings of those or similar systems, the political issues, etc. would spend time e-formulating and strategizing, it would aid greatly in giving the willing and the deployable, such as me, our roles. I realize full well I may ultimately need the best case outcomes I would be fighting for. So, if for now, it is on behalf of others---I'm a follower of karmic effect. Even if it were never to come to pass that I require meds, it doesn't make anyone's status of need or tragedy, on this site or in the world at large, any less important to me. Because I am positive, I care, and I care deeply. I understand the fear, alienation, and on and on. I am admittedly, and happy to concede so, a student of this new setting and I am committed to making a difference. And, if I can get the guidance, which I think exists within the individual and surely, the collective minds connected to this site, then I suspect I can actually help make a difference. While I'm not out, not yet that is, I made a commitment to a friend last year during a Landmark Education seminar. That commitment was to "change the world regarding HIV." Now, I'm enlisting you. Help me, please. What are some of the best ways I can contribute? And, I mean best. Not fundraising walks, I've done them and will continue to, not art fundraisers, have given my art and will continue to. What one or two efforts are so sorely lacking in support that they are worth pooling all of the available energy I and others have to give? I will look for your replies. Love, Em


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