Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
July 25, 2014, 12:26:24 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23031
  • Latest: milodog
Stats
  • Total Posts: 631816
  • Total Topics: 47833
  • Online Today: 234
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 9
Guests: 202
Total: 211

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: First romantic disclosure anxiety  (Read 2994 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline globetrotter

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
First romantic disclosure anxiety
« on: September 17, 2007, 11:51:42 PM »
Hi everyone,

I don't post here very often so maybe I'll give some background first. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. So far no meds! Fingers crossed it'll stay that way for a while longer.
The 10 months following my diagnosis were completely spent on nurturing a doomed relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had infected me. I suppose our time together was beneficial in the sense that it gave me someone to talk to about my status, but that's about it. He was a selfish person who lied to me about having been tested, showed zero remorse for infecting me, demanded all my time (to care for him as he was very sick) and eventually repaid me by cheating on me. Good riddance.
Despite all that drama I have really dealt with my diagnosis quite well. I try to give myself credit for that from time to time!

But now the biggest challenge awaits me...I met someone a while back who i really like. I mean really. This never happens to me! This past week things progressed beyond friendship. Great. But terrifying. We haven't had sex and I wouldn't without disclosing first, but I'm torn as to how long I can put it off. I've prepared myself for the possibility of rejection. What really freaks me out too is that he might flip and disclose my status to other people.

Does anyone here remember the first time you had to do this? Any tips? Assuming we are not going to have sex without my disclosing first, what do you think is too long a wait? Should i just get this over with?

so many questions! sorry, but i do really like this guy.

and thank you all for this woderful forum : )

 

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2007, 11:54:37 PM »
OH, GF, we are up to thread #6 with dating discussions!  Here are the links to get you started!  I would post more, but I have an early day tomorrow, forgive me.

~Cindy

For new readers, here's our history....

Part I:   http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12526.0
Part II:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=13850.0
Part III:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=14375.0
Part IV:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=14848.0
Part V:     http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15148.0
Part VI:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
« Last Edit: September 17, 2007, 11:58:51 PM by MOONLIGHT1114 »
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline globetrotter

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2007, 07:18:38 PM »
Thanks Cindy. Those were quite an entertaining read  :)

I'll try to post in the dating threads on my progress!

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,334
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2007, 02:33:30 PM »
Hi everyone,

I don't post here very often so maybe I'll give some background first. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. So far no meds! Fingers crossed it'll stay that way for a while longer.
The 10 months following my diagnosis were completely spent on nurturing a doomed relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had infected me. I suppose our time together was beneficial in the sense that it gave me someone to talk to about my status, but that's about it. He was a selfish person who lied to me about having been tested, showed zero remorse for infecting me, demanded all my time (to care for him as he was very sick) and eventually repaid me by cheating on me. Good riddance.
Despite all that drama I have really dealt with my diagnosis quite well. I try to give myself credit for that from time to time!

But now the biggest challenge awaits me...I met someone a while back who i really like. I mean really. This never happens to me! This past week things progressed beyond friendship. Great. But terrifying. We haven't had sex and I wouldn't without disclosing first, but I'm torn as to how long I can put it off. I've prepared myself for the possibility of rejection. What really freaks me out too is that he might flip and disclose my status to other people.

Does anyone here remember the first time you had to do this? Any tips? Assuming we are not going to have sex without my disclosing first, what do you think is too long a wait? Should i just get this over with?

so many questions! sorry, but i do really like this guy.

and thank you all for this woderful forum : )

 

Hello Globie
(I loved PeeWee Herman's Playhouse so I feel compelled to call you Globie!)

I knew after I saw your post that I wanted to come back and give you a reply---it just took a couple of days.

I was diagnosed in 2003. There were three times since then I was in the state of mind, opportunity and/or heart that warranted disclosure. And, I got it out the way as quickly as possible.

The way I look at it the longer I wait to disclose, the longer I'm dragging around an increasingly heavy sack of secret information that has the potential to nip a budding relationship. Well, if I'm honest about my intentions as a grower of sorts, I don't want it to bud if it's not going to flower. In other words, why tease the emotions on both sides if there may be nowhere for them to go?

My experiences to date follow: Disclosure 1, problematic (but in retrospect I'm grateful as I subsequently found this person to be selfish and narcissistic). Disclosure 2, problematic and a logistical nightmare that could never have amounted to anything unless I changed my citizenship. Disclosure 3, last Saturday, not problematic. And, here it is Wednesday and it's still not problematic.

You have to come up with what works for you. How are you wired? How patient are you sitting on a keg of dynamite? I'm sure there are those who waited until someone was head over lather in love with them and then cracked open the secret. Maybe in a passionate moment it's easier for someone to cast fate to the wind, cock to a condom and lock in the landing gear.

I like to avoid crash landings and explosions if I can exert any control over them. So, I disclose (all whopping 3 times) early. Frankly, I don't want to be with someone who's not smart enough to know that there are ways to sexually circumnavigate the virus; that stigmatization has hurt the entire world; that any of my activism will not automatically label him as positive by affiliation and that I will likely still outlive him!  ::)

I hope this has helped you to examine how YOU feel about disclosure. That you have considered the person to whom you wish to disclose might "flip" and disclose to others should cause you to stop and think...gee, what clues have I picked up about him that make me sense that? If you can validate it, rather than just imagine or ruminate about it, then maybe he's not your kind of man. Otherwise, the best you can do is say that this is deeply personal information and the only reason you are entrusting him is because you like him well enough to do so and have considered the possibility of a healthy, long-term, sexual relationship with him. More honesty to boot.

Congrats with the self-congrats. That is so important to administer as you hit various milestones post-diagnosis. No matter the outcome, give yourself a huge congrats after your first disclosure.

BTW, did you ever think about taking legal action against your ex-beau? Do you live in a state where you can do that? Just curious. No need for answers in this thread. We could discuss via PM.

Hopeful to see you post more often.

Em

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,839
  • Vegas baby!
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2007, 10:30:50 PM »
If you are going to get intimate, then I would definitely disclose. I'm not very good at advising new people about this sort of matter, because I really don't care who knows my status.  I hope you find what works for you.  I'm sure you will.  Hang in there babe. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

tendai

  • Guest
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2007, 05:38:48 AM »
frankly i'm  a coward.  the first two times that i disclosed it was via text message on the phone.  they acted like it was ok then disappeared.  the third time it was in person and he was ok with it.  we went out for almost a year then broke up for other reasons.  my lastest disclosure was also via SMS he was out of town at the time and he said we'd discuss it when he comes back.  He's back but i havent seen him yet.  he came back on sunday todays thursday. Oh i saw him on Mionday but it was only for about 2 seconds. he says he's busy doing 'stuff'.  so i dont know if he's really busy or hes trying to slither out of this thing. i just dont know.  But i do feel better that he knows because its a big secret to have to keep in a relationship, especially if u'll be taking meds. i think the sooner u tell him the better.
and i must congratulate you for coming out stronger after the shit your ex has put u thru

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.