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79 hours later


79 hours ago I received the news from my doctor. Since then I have been utterly enraged, deeply depressed, in blatant denial and content. The content part is the facade between all the fucked up mood swings. Within the first 2 hours I had contacted all my loved ones and the last couple of people I have had sex with. My support network has been great, my boss gave me the week off from work, my mom and dad offered support. My siblings have been unconditional, all my best friends cried with me and I have had nonstop interaction with this awesome support network. The other ones, the people I have had high risk sex with (unprotected anal sex), have been indifferent. Calling those bastards was a bitch. I am not angry at them, we chose to have unprotected sex and they believed they were negative. Is it sick of me to hope that the person who infected me will enter into a relationship with me? Half the reason we had unprotected sex was the unsaid and hoped for possibility of being in a relationship (at least in my sick and twisted head). So far, 1 of 3. are going to get tested. The other 2 were part of a threesome, 1 hasn't returned my calls (for the last 3 months) and he has the other's phone number. 

Every morning when I wake (all 3 of them so far) I toss and turn wondering if it was real. Then I sob. Next I say to myself, this wasn't supposed to happen this way. I am 29 years old. I just started my career (a lil late, but better late than never), was financially planning my future, hoping for plastic surgery, just finished paying off my laser eye job, halfway through my masters program, looking to the future with optimism. I had quit the drugs (pot) & drinking and had been waking up at 5am to go to the gym. I needed the perfect bod with a decent income to get the right partner. Lets say all of my plans have been changed and I am feeling a hell of a lot less superficial -- and still a lil scared.

Now, 79 hours later, I have visited 2 HIV zones, 1 a clinic, the other a HIV/AIDS walk. I have arranged a visit with a specialist. I will start eating normally again and have begun to get back in my old routine. I am anticipating depression, rejection, discrimination and hopefully courage. Coming to this website has been a blessing and it is great to know I am not alone.

My questions are simple, what will the next year be like? Will I have to go on meds? If I have to go on meds, which ones should I be leery of? Any practical advice on the next few steps and lastly, will I be okay? Thank you, everyone who has written something here. Everyday I come back to read your stories and have my hope rebolstered by each one. I do not want a pretty picture, I need to hear the truths Thank you once again, and have a great day : )


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