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Newly diagnosed, insecure

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ally3067:
Just found out a week ago that am poz, I'm in a fantastic supportive relationship with a guy who knows all the circumstances leading up to me getting tested and had similar reasons to get tested as well - both had good reason to think we would both test poz and discussed how we would feel if one of us ended up poz and the other neg and agreed it wouldn't change anything between us. However, I tested poz and he tested neg and, although he assures me and acts like he still feels the same about me, I can't help feeling really insecure and guilty.  Insecure about he could possibly want me now and guilty thinking about how there's still a possibility I could have given this truly horrible thing to him.  The way I feel about him and the emotional security we have is fantastic and something I've never felt before, especially since the support he's given me after being being diagnosed poz, but now and again I feel really insecure and can't help feeling he's only saying what I want to hear to spare my feelings and I hate myself for thinking that about him.  Any suggestions on how to deal with feeling?

Life:
Keep the communication lines open..  You cant read his mind any more than he can read yours.  Thats why the universe created that yapper on the front of your face...  Talk to him and tell him your fears...  Both I and my husband had a similar conversation very earily on.   Unfortunately, we both tested positive... That scenario does not make it any easier than a pos/neg one...  Relationships do not fall out of the sky's these days.... Hold on to what you have... Quit placing to much value of a hiv diagnosis mixed into a existing relationship...   Talk to him...

Hugs,

Eric

jonny123:
Well said eric...communication is the key. Talk until you're blue in the face. The main thing is not keeping your feelings of insecurity bottled up inside because they will eat away at you and cause problems that were never there to begin with. 

JP

brooklynpoz:
Hi ALLY3067,

I am in a monogamous relationship, going on 4 years with my partner. We both went for a test, just as you did, in the beginning, and I am POZ, he is NEG.
After the dust settled with the news, we talked and talked over and over. We even went to couples therapy. The therapy wasn't pertaining to a bad relationship, or lack of love, it dealt with both our fears.Even before our test, we practiced safe sex, so that was dealt with from the start.
I had a fear of a mishap occurring, and God forbid giving him HIV, and he had his fears, equally, of getting it.
With time, and dedication, we both evolved from that state of mind, and now are on another level.
I am not sure how long you are with your partner, but, the news came to my relationship in it's infancy, which was very very stressing to it.
He could have said, "this isn't for me, I can't deal with it", but HE DIDN'T, he stood by my side, going with me to my doctor, learning, reading up on it, etc.
Both he and I had to do alot of work, which is and was worth it.
By all means, if you want to chat, via email, you are welcome to do so.
Be well, best of luck, health and happiness.

libertine:
I was the neg half of a relationship a few years ago and now i'm the pos half of another relationship. And I have to say that the guilt/shame/embarassment/paranoia that I feel now massively outweighs any worries I had when I was the neg partner. After I found out that he was pos I was...completely unworried about myself, hugely concerned for his health but didn't really worry too much about what would happen to me. Love is blind hey?

I know this isn't going to stop you feeling guilty. But hopefully it'll help. Best thing is to keep talking.

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