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Author Topic: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused  (Read 8316 times)

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Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« on: September 13, 2007, 10:00:08 AM »
I was referred to this website today, and although it has kept me reading for most of the day and given me some enlightenment from the comments you all have made I cannot stop feeling these incredible emotions. I know it is normal to feel overwhelmed when you first discover that you are positive but it seem to be getting actually harder each day instead of better. I have a very very bad year in 2007 starting with losing my job, foreclosure on my condo, catching syphillis, my appendix rupturing, having to leave Washington DC and move back into my parents home in South Carolina and now not being able to find a job. The crowning achievement was the phone call during my lunch break at the school I am substituting at where my doctor in Washington DC tells me that my HIV test came back positive. Last week after the initial shock day, I think I dealt fairly well. I went back to Washington this weekend to see my doctor there and have the initial blood work done. While in DC Saturday through Tuesday morning, I started feeling bad about myself and returned to old habits of sleeping around and doing crystal meth. I was kept from thinking about the HIV diagnosis by doing this. Then on Monday I went to my doctor and when they drew vial after vial of blood until my hand went numb the true nature of what has happened set it. Since then I have been an emotional wreck, I sleep only when I take the anxiety medicine my doctor gave me. When I am awake I cry or drift off into thoughts about my situation. I am supposed to be teaching 3 classes of high school students, but when I am there I am thinking of other things and resentful when I look at the health 14-16 year olds sitting in front of me. I want to leave the position but cant because I feel I should be there, even though I know I am a horrible teacher to the students right now.
I have begun reading all of these numbers and statistics online and I have no idea what I am reading and get confused and frustrated and then cry more.
Being in SC I have no one to talk to about what is going on, im afraid and really dont want anyone, not even my mother to hug or touch me.
I fear that I wasnt able to find somoene to even date before I was positive and now I can officially give up hope on that making feel even more lonely and isolated.
I just dont know what to do anymore...I feel I should try everything to move back to DC to be close to my doctor so that when I get sick he can treat me and so that I can find people that are positive who can be supportive, because here in SC that isnt going to happen.
I have noticed that some on here truly are friendly and helpful and I guess that is why I am writing this, I need help from people who know what I am going through. As I sit here crying and writing this I am begging for someone to talk to, if you have some advice please let me know. I wont get my T cell count and viral load count back until Friday, but I feel so helpless and alone.
Sorry this was so long, but I have so many emotions and expressing them seems impossible right now.
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline Lostgirl

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  • Posts: 58
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2007, 10:23:58 AM »
I am sorry about your diagnosis and how difficult you are finding things at this moment in your life.  I am only recently diagnosed also and the best thing I ever did was finding this website.  The people here are wonderful and of such help to me as they will be to you.  This is a difficult time for you but help is here.  A lot of decisions to be made - I am still trying to get mine in some order of priority but I reckon one day at a time is the best policy. Once you get more results in, then you can start making other decisions and prioritising things.  I went through a roller coaster of emotions and just when I think I am getting to grips with it, I plunge down again.  It is difficult but it is normal.

If there is one thing I would say, remember that the 'healthy' people you look at might not be.  I look in the mirror and I don't look any different today than I did three weeks ago pre-diagnosis.  I find myself sitting in a cafe looking at people and realising that I don't know the first thing about them!  What they are feeling, emotionally and physically, how easy or difficult their lives might be and so on.  Sometimes I think, 'I don't care about them', but mostly I think, well perhaps I wouldn't want to swap lives with them.  Who knows what problems they have?  I know what mine are!

There is support, and a lot of it, out there and in here.  Don't push your mum away.  You don't say whether she knows about your diagnosis or not, but let her love you.  Take time to work out what would be best for you.  These are early days, but just remember there are lots of people here who care about you.
Lostgirl

Offline CallMeSid

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  • Member
  • Posts: 88
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2007, 10:53:14 AM »
Hey.

I wish I was in South Carolina to give you a hug right now!  Hang in there!  I'm recently diagnosed myself, so I can identify with a lot of what you're going through right now.  My (unsolicited) advice at this point would be to not make any life-altering decisions until you've worked through the initial shock, panic, process of getting educated about what the diagnosis means, etc.  Yes, I know, easier said than done.  But when I read that you're already thinking of moving back to DC "...to be close to my doctor so that when I get sick...", I couldn't help but think that maybe you're imagining the worst-case scenario?  Let's wait for that first bloodwork to come back before we start making plans related to "getting sick".

I have never been to South Carolina (and don't know where in SC you are), but there may (may?!) be some local queer or HIV-related groups that have either a "newly diagnosed" support group and/or somebody on staff (or a volunteer) who can be an open, accepting and nonjudgmental ear and source of insight/advice.  I've only told one close friend about my diagnosis and he's 3,000 miles away, so I know how it is to feel kind of isolated about this.  This forum has proven to be very helpful for me and I hope it will helpful for you too.

It sounds like you travel to DC semi-regularly?  I actually live in Baltimore, so I'm only an hour from DC and would TOTALLY be up for meeting up when you're next in DC.  (I think you can PM me through this site to get in touch with me directly.) 

Again, hang in there!
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2007, 03:00:54 PM »
Thank you guys for your replies. I am finding them really helpful. I am actually in school right now, but I gave the kids busy work because my mind is not in this room. Right now I am at the back of the room with chills and sweating trying to focus and this is actually helping. I am really nervous about getting my first blood work results back tomorrow. I know I paniced when I got the blood drawn on monday and getting actual numbers is probably going to seen me over the edge again.

I dont even know or can find a real HIV doctor in this crappy state. (I left it when I was 18 and never looked back) Only when my appendix ruptured did I have no choice to move back and now feel trapped.

I know in these postings right now I am rambling, but my mind is not functioning in a normal way right now.

Hopefully I will be back in DC soon, if not living I will be there to see my doctor. Sid I would really value meeting you when I get back up there.

Thanks for your postings, they are keeping me sane at the moment. I dont know how to PM so if you know please share the information.

Thank you all

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline CallMeSid

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  • Member
  • Posts: 88
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2007, 04:47:21 PM »
hey, matt. 

i just sent you a PM to your profile here.  it has my e-mail address.  feel free to use it whenever you're so inclined. 

hugs,

sid

p.s.  to PM somebody on this site, i think you just click on their little icon or name that appears next to one of their posts.  it'll open up a new window with some of the details of their profile.  down near the bottom of that window is a button or something that says something like "PM this member".  (i just did it, and i think that's what i did...)

07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline CallMeSid

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 88
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2007, 05:19:31 PM »
hey, matt.

i forgot to suggest that you look for a HIV doc on the AAHIVM web site (www.aahivm.org).  in the upper right hand corner is a "Look for Provider" button. 

there's just one MD listed there for SC:  Bosko Postic, MD in Columbia, SC (affiliated with USC).  phone is: 803-540-1000.  there were 2 or 3 NPs or PAs (nurse practitioners and physician assistants) listed as well.  they were located in other SC cities i believe.

hope that helps!

sid
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2007, 06:10:52 PM »
Matt your amounst alot of friends here....  Good to see you out and about...

Eric

Offline jonny123

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
  • "To say I love you is the easy part"
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2007, 06:21:35 PM »
Hey Matt,
Just read your post.  My heart truly goes out to you! and at risk of sounding like a broken record "things do get better". Right now is probably the most difficult time because your mind is going in all different directions. I also agree with Sid. This is not the best time to start making life changing decisions. Moving to DC to be closer to your doctor when you "get sick". Buddy, I have been positive for 11 years and have never been sick. I also know many other long time survivors who are doing very well. You can't allow yourself to throw in the towel, and prepare for death.  I'm not trying to make this all sound easy, because it's not.  I will not discount what you are going through right now because finding out your HIV+ is not a "walk in the park"  It can be a total b**ch!!  Fortunately, this isn't 1982 when people were dying every day and the government wasn't acknowledging it. But Matt, allow yourself to be angry, sad, depressed...then move on man.  When you have days you feel you can't go on find someone to talk to. This site is great for just getting things out. it has helped me a lot.  * and as far as dating;* I told my partner on our second date I was positive. He is negative. He has never looked at me any different.  There are many, many men out there who still appreciate and love others for who they are. You have HIV..HIV doesn't have YOU!  JP
:-)

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2007, 10:10:26 AM »
New news....I dont understand this...what they mean....

CD-4 402 and VL 118000. God I would give anything to be able to take a weekend or a day even and just talk to people like me.
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline alberche

  • Member
  • Posts: 212
  • a distancia del mundo incierto, saludo mi suerte
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2007, 08:46:31 PM »
Dear,

I was infected last year and this site has helped me a lot, even I have met good friends here, i.e. one from Australia that has just passed one week in my house in Spain, so, you see, being here is a very good thing, people is always willing to help and everyone has interesting points of view and experiences that could help you a lot in the moment of deciding what to do or how to evaluate what your own situation is.

It is normal to feel sad, overwhelmed, and terribly alone when you receive the news of being poz. We all have passed through that. It takes time to assume it and to recover from it. It is important also to ask, to clear the doubts, to get information and to talk about it. So these forums are a good place to start.

Probably it is not a good moment to think about doing drastic changes in your life. Just think that you simply would be able to keep doing the same things you were doing before: working, studying, keeping your personal authonomy and so on. All that will not change in a short term and, in a long term, will not do drastically. You will be able to manage it.

Now is the moment to get information, to search for proper health care and to take care of yourself. And, once you have ruled this, then is maybe the moment of doing all the mental work about it and decide how you will face it and, from that point, then, making important decisions on your life.

Your numbers could mean that you were infected not too much time ago, or also that you were infected some years ago, but not too much years ago. I know this doesn't sound very clear, so I will extend a bit:

In my case, I knew when I got infected because I could identify the risk behaviour and also because just a couple of weeks after I experienced very severe sympthoms like fever, lymph nodes, rash, pain in joints, extreme weakness and loose of weight. Immediately I suspected I got poz, so I decided to make a VL test on my own in a private laboratory. Result was VL of 216.000 6 weeks after being infected. I went to the doctor and she repeated VL test and did as well all the battery of tests: blood numbers, cholesterol, heptaitis, STD's, etc, etc. This second testing was done 8 weeks after infection and results were 65.000 VL and 1.100 CD4, so I was just recovering from acute HIV infection and just starting to produce antibodies.

At that point, I was proposed to start treatment because, apparently, doing it within the first 3 months after infection could help to keep your inmune system's ability to better fight against the virus. It was a hard decision to make because once you start treatment it is suposed to be forever. Now I am better, my numbers are good and I feel OK, I am used to take mi pills and I could continue working, studying and doing all the things I used to do before.

In your case, maybe your doctor will propose to repeat tests on a monthly basis during a few weeks and months in order to assess wheter your infection is a recent one or not, and also to see if your VL and CD4 number tend to stabilise around certain values.

Standard reccomendation is to start treatment when your CD4 tend to be about 300 or 250 units per ml, and also, with any CD4 value when VL tends to go up from one blood test to the other. So, probably, your doctor will talk to you about the possibility of starting treatment once he or she has a more complete picture of how your HIV infection is evolving.

Nevertheless, many people does not need to start with meds during years. And starting meds does not mean that you will get sick or that you will develope AIDS. Simply, treatment is started just in the moment your inmune system needs help to keep working OK and to not deteriorate. This point varies a lot from a person to other. Also, it is important you feel prepared to commit with correctly taking your meds. And, in the end, this is a decision of yours with the help of your doctor.

CD4  and VL level values does not mean the same for everyone. So don't obsess too much about values. It is important, however, when you are on treatment, that VL level keeps undetectable, it means, less than 50 copies per ml. This means that meds are working well and that the virus replication is very low, so your inmune system could progressively recover and your health in general would be better.

Meanwhile, reading the "lessons" on the poz.com website will help you to better understand different aspects of HIV infection and what VL and CD4 counts mean.

Big hughs!!!!





love is blindness...  a wonderful song!

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2007, 12:30:04 PM »
Thank you for that. I hope all you say is correct. I have come to realize that depression has set in to the point where all I want to do is sleep. I am sad and depressed all the time. You comments are comforting.

My parents are gone for the weekend, so I have the house to myself. I slept 16 hours last night, got up watched cartoons and picked at some food. And I do believe that after last weekend I have some STD because my penis is itchy on the inside...but doenst hurt when I pee, its actually a relief to pee. I have some left over Bactrim from my appendix disaster so I think I will try it to get rid of whatever I have. Who knows how it will affect it or if anything will help at this point. This is the lowest my white cells has ever been obviously.

I would love to meet other people like me to talk, just here in SC that seems like its impossible.

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2007, 09:11:01 PM »
Hi Matt,

cd4 402 and VL 118000 is nothing to be alarmed of, those are normal numbers when someone has recently been infected. Those numbers will be your "baseline", and you will have to get two or more tests to see a trend on how your immune system is reacting.

I would suggest that you do not use any prescription drug without talking first to your doctor, Bactrim or others. You don't know if you have a bacterial infection.. it is very common for newly infected people to start taking a close look at their entire body, from head to toe, and see all sorts of irregularities and think that this is yet another major disease happening. Leave your body alone, don't spend more time than usual in front of your mirror.

I'm not sure what you mean by "this is the lowest my white cells have ever been".. ?

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2007, 03:06:29 AM »
Okay, I am new to the group. I just tested positive 3 days ago and what has been helping me through this is my social network. Do you have someone you can trust, someone you can talk to? What about your parents, do they know? Eventually, you may want to tell them, but for now I'd suggest finding that someone special near to you that you can trust. I believe I read something on here saying that when we first find out we should find some sort of safe buddy (my wording) who we trust that can help emotionally support us. Remember, you are not alone. Also remember that you have a long life ahead of you and you should not make any drastic decisions now while you are emotionally vulnerable.

Poco a poco...or little by little. Things will settle into place buddy. And remember, you always have us :)
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2007, 06:15:30 PM »
I am starting to feel a little bit better today. Although physically I feel kinda crappy. I am actually looking at different things on my body and noticing little things. It is driving me crazy. To me these are things that should have healed before now and arent. Can I expect that things will heal at 1/2 pace from now on? I zit on my nose (yeah at 34 I am getting zits on my nose) took a week and half to heal, that just cant be normal even for a 15 year old. Also not to sound gross be I have had diarreha for the past 2 weeks and its getting annoying. Are these things that I just have to get used to now or will it pass.

I did go ahead and start taking the Bactrim, that is probably what is making me ill right now, antibiotics usually do. I just thought I was being preventive with it, just in case there was a bacterial infection down there. I know I need to tell my doctor about having sex again last weekend during a moment of weakness and depression, but I cant stand to think what he is thinking about me, if that made any sense. He is a great doctor, and I cant stand the thought of him thinking I am some sort of gutter whore who uses nonstop and screws whatever I meet.

As for a support group, there is nothing for me in SC. My parents do know but they do not understand. In fact talking to them about this only makes matters worse for me. They try and pressure me into regular life things like money, getting my clothes ironed, and to be honest its just not on the forefront of my mind yet. If I go into work with a wrinkle down the back of my shirt I am not going to freak out as much as if I start thinking about my past. I have no real friends here in SC, nor honestly did I ever get close to many wherever I go due mainly to my instability because of the bipolar. The friends I do have left are in DC now far far away. My parents dont want me to go to a support group or doctor in the area because of the negative stigmatism it would have on the family if someone found out, and HIPPA or no this is rural South Carolina we are talking about here. My family doctor is my next door neighbor...literally, I can see him in his garden as I type.

This weekend I came very close while my parents were out of town to checking into a hospital until they could regulate my anti-depressants and lithium. Instead I spent the weekend sleeping, and sleeping and sleeping...I think I have been awake maybe 8 hours since Friday afternoon. Again, I know this isnt healthy but its what i did. I just dont really care anymore. If I am going to go through this alone like I am, without real physical support except parents who dont understand, what is the real point? I am going to try my best to get into see the psychiatrist and pyschologist as many times as I can this week. They are both in Charlotte, and are an hour away but its got to be done.

One more question, so I have some base numbers....what happens if those numbers drop drastically over the next 6 weeks? Am I in danger because I didnt get my tests redone sooner?

Thank you for listening to me rant and fear,

Matt
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline sacinsc

  • Member
  • Posts: 353
Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2007, 07:43:50 PM »
I just had another conversation with my mother. I think that was the most unhealthy conversation ever. I had to explain some things to her. Among them that my date of exposure was May 30. She went off on my that I had unprotected sex again. I was exposed last February when I was in Columbia SC, where I temp lived. I was so miserable that I was using drugs and having unprotected sex all the time. I was finally exposed and put on the PEP treatment which worked or else I wasnt exposed. At any rate, my mother went through that month with me. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I have had sex. When my home was being foreclosed on, I lost my job, was getting over syphillis, and my life sucked I had made a bad choice and had sex unprotected again in May. She blamed me for wanting to hurt her and purposefully hurt myself because I did this again. I would never want to hurt her, and I told her this. I didnt even want to tell her that I was poz because it would hurt her. Now this ..... I quit ..... I finally walked out reminding her that I couldnt take negative talking right now.

I dont know what to do, I want out of here so bad. A 34 year old man should not be living with his parents.

Help me.
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2007, 09:31:06 PM »
Your numbers are fine, your doctor must have asked you to make a new appointment in two or three months, they are perfectly reasonable for a recent infection. There is absolutely no need to do tests every week. You have other issues that are resurfacing and right now you're blaming everything on yourself and putting your loved ones in a situation where the only thing they can do is be on the defensive. Step back, relax, take a deep breath, think about the future, you're not some weird patient with strange numbers and infection. Your doctor will take care of your infection, you take care of the rest.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline sacinsc

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2007, 03:29:54 PM »
He asked me to come back in 6 weeks to get new numbers. They still seem kinda high, but if that is what they are supposed to be so be it. My mother attacking me like that was not fun. When seem to be better towards the end of the night, but had I had somewhere else to go I would have run for it last night.

Today I do feel a little more alert. Trying with my kids more today, but still trying to figure out what to do after this position is over. I know I need to be closer to support than I am right now for sure!
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline NYCguy

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2007, 06:52:25 PM »
hi - what the others have said about your numbers is accurate.  You're not in any immediate danger and testing again in 6 weeks sounds very reasonable.  I would encourage you to try and find any kind of gay groups or resources near you by just using the internet or asking friends.  There has to be SOMETHING withing reasonable driving distance!  There is no need for you to deal with this alone, but you are going to have to take responsibility for seeing to it that you don't. Good luck and keep posting :)
11/9/06 = #$%^&!
sometime early Dec 2006:
CD4 530 20%/VL >250,000 (&*$$%!!)
started Reyataz300mg/Norvir/Truvada 12-27-06.
1/30/07 CD4 540 30%/VL <400
4/07 CD4 600+ 33%/VL <50
6/9/07 CD4 720 37%/VL <50
10/15/07 CD4 891 (!) %? VL <50
1/2010 CD4 599 (37%) VL<50 (drop due to acute HCV)
9/2010 - looks like HCV is gone for good! And I'm finally drinking again, thank GOD
2013 - considering a switch to Stribild. but I love my Kidneys (but I hate farting all the time!)...
June 2013 - switched to Stribild.  so far so good...

Offline milker

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2007, 01:04:26 AM »
He asked me to come back in 6 weeks to get new numbers. They still seem kinda high, but if that is what they are supposed to be so be it.
Yup :)

Keep us posted. 6 weeks is fine, even a bit short I think!

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline sacinsc

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2007, 12:13:46 PM »
What about feeling a little sick right now? I am really weak and tired. Stomach aches. Loose bowel movements...ok pooping pure water. Bumps popping up all over, some small, some i fear look like the beginning of staph infection. Could this all be caused by my lower CD4 count?
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2007, 01:40:02 PM »
What about feeling a little sick right now? I am really weak and tired. Stomach aches. Loose bowel movements...ok pooping pure water. Bumps popping up all over, some small, some i fear look like the beginning of staph infection. Could this all be caused by my lower CD4 count?
If you have diarrhea for more than 2 days or bumps popping up all over then go see your doctor. I could be anything not related to HIV.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline sacinsc

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2007, 02:11:20 PM »
Thanks, I am trying to call him now, work keeps getting in the way. It looks like little pimples on my arms, chests and legs. But last night I started noticing the mosquito bite sized ones, 4 of them to be precise.
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline sacinsc

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2007, 09:05:21 PM »
OK! I talked to the doctor today. I am stressed out...go figure, I know it came as a total surprise to me. He said it was OK to start taking Bactrim again if I wanted. The fatigue is stress. The bumps AREN'T staph because they are forming to slow! The pooping...well we dont know. I cant go to a doctor here and not disclose my status to him he said. Try double the dose of imodium and if that doesnt work go to the doctor. Tomorrow I go to the psychologist and hopefully can sneak into the psychiatrist at the same time.

I have informed my parent that when my long - term sub position is up I am gone, either to DC or a major city in Florida where I can get the treatment I need when I need it, and have decent support network...and hell maybe (doubtfully) found someone either poz or friendly to date.
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2007, 09:43:10 PM »
sac, did the doctor make some tests or refer you to a dermatologist for the bumps? Have you had an STD panel done when you were tested positive for HIV?

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline sacinsc

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2007, 09:48:35 PM »
STD panel? I know when I was HIV screened they checked for syphillis, cholesterol, liver function, and medicine levels. I dont know what else to check for. I know when they did my first blood counts that they took enough blood to cause my hand to go numb. I found out next week what strain I have and what problems that will entail.

He said I could see my regular dr about the bumps, that they could be feliculitus. But I didnt have to tell my regular GP about the HIV to go to him. I started getting the bumps about a month ago. They look like little pimples except for the 4 others. He seemed to think it was stress like most of my other problems. Im sure you know what kinda stress first finding out brings, add to that my situation of living at home and in SC aka HELL.

What else do you suggest? Please let me know so I can talk to him about it. As of right now I can go to my regular GP and I am talking to my ID next week when the other information comes back from blood work done last monday.

M
March 07 - Negative
May 07 - Exposed
June 07 - Seroconversion
September 07 - CD4 402 VL 118000 25%
October 07 -     CD4 294 VL 124000 22%
November 07 - Norvir, Triuvada and Reyataz
December 07 -  CD4 355 VL  550 .... guess the meds are working.
January 08 - CD4 446 VL <48 undetectable!
April 08 - CD4 554 VL <48 undetectable!
July 08 - CD4 666 VL <48 undetectable! Hporay...I have devil CD4's

Offline milker

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2007, 10:15:31 PM »
What I suggest is that you get a GP that you feel comfortable with sharing your status. You MUST disclose your status to your regular doctor. He or she MUST know, as this will help them in their diagnosis.

We cannot diagnose online, and describing spots on here won't tell us anything. Stress can do amazing things, and you will be even more stressed if you do not disclose to your personal physician, so do it, or call for another one that you don't already know if you feel better that way.

Good luck,

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline John2038

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2007, 06:32:24 PM »
I have a very very bad year in 2007 starting with losing my job, foreclosure on my condo, catching syphillis, my appendix rupturing, having to leave Washington DC and move back into my parents home in South Carolina and now not being able to find a job. The crowning achievement was the phone call during my lunch break at the school I am substituting at where my doctor in Washington DC tells me that my HIV test came back positive.

I'm very sorry to say that sacinsc, but at least, your story give my first true laugh since I know I'm positive (few days).

Compared to you, I can safely consider me lucky .. now.

I really wishes you all the best. The good news is that 2008 cannot be more bad, so it will be better.

The other good new, is that as long as we feel healthy, we don't feel sick, so you don't feel to have the HIV.

That's my feeling now.
The other feeling is that now we sick, we now we are not immortal.
It was still true before, but ignored.

Maybe a way to give to the life its real value.


Offline PositivelyYours

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Re: Tested Postive Last Week, Scared and Confused
« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2007, 09:55:05 PM »
Hello Sacinsc,

First, I would like to welcome you to the forum.  I am sorry that you had to find your way, but I am most grateful that you did.  Secondly, I would have to tell you that you are going to be okay.  Life will throw many obstacles your way, but it is how you accept them and deal with them determines the outcome.  Yes, you are positive and that we know will not change. If you keep a positive attitude about your diagnosis thing will go a little easier with you. I found out in August of last year that I was positive.  Although it was devastating, I am still here a year later. Just take a deep breath, Find you a good ID Doctor and Support Group and YOU WILL BE JUST FINE! Take care of yourself!


I was referred to this website today, and although it has kept me reading for most of the day and given me some enlightenment from the comments you all have made I cannot stop feeling these incredible emotions. I know it is normal to feel overwhelmed when you first discover that you are positive but it seem to be getting actually harder each day instead of better. I have a very very bad year in 2007 starting with losing my job, foreclosure on my condo, catching syphillis, my appendix rupturing, having to leave Washington DC and move back into my parents home in South Carolina and now not being able to find a job. The crowning achievement was the phone call during my lunch break at the school I am substituting at where my doctor in Washington DC tells me that my HIV test came back positive. Last week after the initial shock day, I think I dealt fairly well. I went back to Washington this weekend to see my doctor there and have the initial blood work done. While in DC Saturday through Tuesday morning, I started feeling bad about myself and returned to old habits of sleeping around and doing crystal meth. I was kept from thinking about the HIV diagnosis by doing this. Then on Monday I went to my doctor and when they drew vial after vial of blood until my hand went numb the true nature of what has happened set it. Since then I have been an emotional wreck, I sleep only when I take the anxiety medicine my doctor gave me. When I am awake I cry or drift off into thoughts about my situation. I am supposed to be teaching 3 classes of high school students, but when I am there I am thinking of other things and resentful when I look at the health 14-16 year olds sitting in front of me. I want to leave the position but cant because I feel I should be there, even though I know I am a horrible teacher to the students right now.
I have begun reading all of these numbers and statistics online and I have no idea what I am reading and get confused and frustrated and then cry more.
Being in SC I have no one to talk to about what is going on, im afraid and really dont want anyone, not even my mother to hug or touch me.
I fear that I wasnt able to find somoene to even date before I was positive and now I can officially give up hope on that making feel even more lonely and isolated.
I just dont know what to do anymore...I feel I should try everything to move back to DC to be close to my doctor so that when I get sick he can treat me and so that I can find people that are positive who can be supportive, because here in SC that isnt going to happen.
I have noticed that some on here truly are friendly and helpful and I guess that is why I am writing this, I need help from people who know what I am going through. As I sit here crying and writing this I am begging for someone to talk to, if you have some advice please let me know. I wont get my T cell count and viral load count back until Friday, but I feel so helpless and alone.
Sorry this was so long, but I have so many emotions and expressing them seems impossible right now.

PositivelyYours

Diagnosed: 08/10/2006
08/31/06 CD4:240/VL:39,000
09/12/06 CD4:359/VL:50,000
11/16/06 CD4:509/VL:76,000 (Flu Shot)
02/13/07 CD4:270/VL:69,000
02/17/07 Developed the Shingles
02/20/07 CD4:326/VL (Not Tested)
03/20/07 CD4:484/VL:54,000
06/19/07 CD4:488/VL:51,000
09/18/07 CD4:372/VL:27,000
10/09/07 Took Flu Shot
12/18/07 CD4:408/VL:85,000
03/18/08 CD4:394/VL:116,000 (Still No Meds)
05/22/08 CD4:412/VL:63,000
08/13/08 CD4:362/VL:67,000
09/23/08 Took Flu Shot
10/15/08 CD4:340/VL:54,000
11/14/08 Started Atripla @ 9:45 p.m.
1/30/09 CD4:641/VL:<48 Copies
5/07/09 CD4:667/VL: Undetectable
12/02/09 CD4:759/VL: Undetectable
03/05/10 CD4:537/VL: Undetectable
03/16/10 Rec'd TB Skin Test, Pneumonia & Hep B Vac
04/15/10 Hep B & Tetanus Vac
6/10 CD4: 748 VL: Undet.

 


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