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Pissed off, just really pissed off

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well its 5 weeks tommorow since i tested positive. What a roller coaster ride its been to say the least !! The day i found out i went totally cold turkey on coffee, smoking pot, and eating fatty food. I excercise every day and drink water, green tea and eat like a friggin rabbit , in terms of what i consume. I eat alot, but its ALL healthy. Gosh how i am craving a packet of salt n vinegar chips , a pint of guiness and a well rolled joint !

Now i find i am so moody, i feel depressed, i have head aches often, so over the last few days i have been having one coffee in the morning. I still haven't had a good old smoke, and i still have a great diet and loads of excercise .

My questions are - how bad is coffee ? and i know its pretty obvious, but will the occasional joint do me any harm ?

I mean, i feel like this is the most stressful time of my life, but yet i cant do anything (other than exercise) to de-stress. What can we do with this friggin illness ? Feels like i have been sentanced to jail without knowing what crime i committed .

Even my sex life with my wife has being affected, and that was one area where we never had any problems. Its not the whole "sex with a condom" thing, its little stuff like being afraid to kiss each other passionately, no oral sex etc.

She is nagative, i am positive - she isn't scared of me and has been a great support. But it just feels like i have to be SOO careful in EVERYTHING i do. I feel like i have to inform the government every time i want to fart !

is kissing dangerous ? is oral sex dangerous ? (me going down on her expecially) , or do i have to use friggin Clinf film (glad rap to you americans) to go down on my own wife??? Dont worry, we have been very careful , haven't engaged in any oral sex at all, and all sex has been with a condom - but this illness just seems to restricting.

In additon, my parents are here and i see them every day, but i just cant find it within myself to tell them. it will crush them, but they are my parents, they raised me , and i feel like they have a right to know.

The other thing which is worrying me is that 2 weeks ago when i got my first set of lab results my CD4 was at 282. I have to go back in another 2 weeks for the next set. Will my good work at stopping smoking and drinking hardly any alcohol and exercising every day give my Cd 4 a chance to grow ? or will the fact that i am at 284 mean that i am already screwed and on a down ward spiral ? Will / can it go from 284 to under 200 in 4 weeks ?

Thanks to you all for litening to a very pissed off guy all the way over in asia


I want to respond to your post, but feel the need to preface what I'm going to say with the fact that this is just my OPINION on the questions you raise and not necessarily scientifically-proven facts, so please take this all with a grain of salt.

I understand the urge to make some healthy lifestyle changes, but I would like to suggest that you take it slow and allow yourself time to adjust to the new behaviors (i.e. new exercise routine, dietary changes, etc.).  If you feel a need to take a day off from the gym, give yourself the permission to do so.  An occasionally "fatty" treat is fine.  I'm curious as to why you've chosen to cut out coffee?  Was this recommended by a MD?  The word, as far as I'm aware, is still out on the risk/benefits of coffee in general and I've heard of NO issues with caffeine related to HIV.  So unless a MD has specifically told you to cut out coffee for a specific reason (I've known people with atrial fibrillation, for example, who have had to stop drinking coffee), you might (?) be denying yourself a favored beverage for no real reason.

Kissing your wife passionately (open mouth, "French kissing") will NOT transmit HIV.  You can perform all the oral sex on your wife that you'd like, you pose no risk to her by licking her nether regions.  I would say that your wife can perform oral sex on you (provided that she's NOT exposed to ejaculate) with no risk.  (Some would argue that if she's exposed to pre-ejaculatory fluid, there might (MIGHT) be a small risk, but in my opinion, it's so close to zero, it might as well be zero.)  If she's uncomfortable with the exposure to pre-cum, she can always lick your shaft and suck your balls.  You should probably have an open and honest (and ongoing) conversation with her about what she's comfortable doing and what her fears/concerns are.

The unfortunate reality is that there are NOT absolute, definitive, 100% clear answers to some of your questions (e.g. is it OK for my wife to perform oral sex on me?  will my change in exercise routine and diet improve my t-cell count in the short term?).  Like many other things in life, there's a lot of uncertainty and all I can offer is the suggestion that you educate yourself as best you can and make the best choices you can about taking care of yourself while still giving yourself permission to live your life.

(I hope that was, in some small part, helpful.  As another newly diagnosed guy, I'm pretty pissed off myself.)

Take care,


Thanks sid - i appreciate your help. I read soemwhere that coffee is bad, and no, i haven;t been told to quit by my doctor. This is the most stressful time of my (our) lives, but yet i can unwind and de stress with a drink and a joint.

Fuck !

I think you are being way too hard on yourself.  I have been pos nearly 14 years and I drink loads of Diet Coke everyday, I LOVE junk food and I am diabetic.  I really don't think anything has made a difference in my CD4 counts except for being on meds.  When the time came in '95 and my CD4 was 396, I started meds.

I was always worried about the oral sex issue, but have found from reading numerous posts here on it, that it is only a "theoretical" risk.  Just wait till Moderator Ann chimes in, she'll tell you that you have no worries!

You are fortunate to have a caring wife by your side.  Give her a big ole wet passionate kiss!  No harm in that, at all!  :D


Thanks Cindy. The reason i am being hard on myself is cos my first set of lab results showed that my CD4 is 284, and that i have slightly high cholesterol. Basically the doctor scared me shitless by telling me that HIV would kill me before HIV does, so hence the reason why i gave up smoking and drinking and i train like i am entering an iron man contest.

Thanks for replying to me



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