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Nineteen Years Ago

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komnaes:
19 years! I look up to you Daniel.

Actually I kept thinking even before my test result that I would not have 19 more years of life; I didn't even know if I wanted another 2 decades of this. I would be close to 60 and very possibly unbearable and a destruction to anyone who care about me, if there'd be any left at that point. Honestly I didn't think I would live that long.

I still don't know if I want more life, and despite I do have my share of suicidal thoughts since the test result, I am not saying it because of my HIV status. I know what I need now is that one reason to hang on to that I was looking before when I felt constantly lost and did destructive things that lead to my HIV status, and now that it has come to this, the only option is to find it soon, and I have this feeling that I will achieve this.

I also want to keep the option that I can end it - I know it sounds bad - but I am beginning to admit to myself that there's a point to stop and when or will I reach that point I cannot know, but I think this sense of "control" is making me a stronger person now.

Shaun

Ithaca_Nights:
Daniel,
I am glad you are still here as well.  Life does go on after HIV.
Hugs, Dan

DanielMark:
Thank you both.

Life does indeed go on after diagnosis Dan, and to me the importance of living is not so much in what I accomplish, but how I handle the challenges that come my way. I have made plenty of mistakes and will make many more no doubt, but I have learned from those mistakes and try not to repeat them.

Try not to look up to me very far Shaun. You値l only get a sore neck and be disappointed when I fall the next time. :-* I am not so concerned with how many more years I値l live since I don稚 believe anyone can know that for sure. I am more concerned that when I die it will be with the fewest possible regrets.

And at this point I知 going to hijack my own thread and share with something a friend sent to me yesterday that made me smile.



If a dog was a teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

Daniel

komnaes:

--- Quote from: DanielMark on September 10, 2007, 05:09:30 AM ---
Try not to look up to me very far Shaun. You値l only get a sore neck and be disappointed when I fall the next time. :-* I am not so concerned with how many more years I値l live since I don稚 believe anyone can know that for sure. I am more concerned that when I die it will be with the fewest possible regrets.


--- End quote ---

I know Daniel - what I mean is that it's fact that you HAVE lived that 19 years, that's what I need to look up to. I know too well we only have ourselves to look up to.

In the meantime, a big cyber HUG

Shaun

ubotts:
Iam glad we are all still here..
I was told in 1986 about being hiv..Then it was a death sentence..
My lover of 10 yrs died from aids...........So i thought i was next.
I didn't take meds till 2002 when i was so weak i couldn't get up out of bed.

So then and only then did I start taken meds..
I saw what my lover went though in the 80"s from azt alone, and did not want that for myself..

I might of waited 16 yrs too long, but at least i waited till they came out with
some better medicines...........

My t cells were down to 27 and VL was sky high..
My tcells never went up very far..Maybe one, they were 301..that was a big
yahooooooooo for me..
I am still in the hundreds, have been for 5 yrs..........last tcell count was 294.
I don't know why my cells don't go up higher,,,
                        But
I do feel good, so I stopped worrying about numbers..
They fluctuate from time to time, and i still feel the same......thank god.
                       So..with that being said,
Guess we are all gonna be around for a long time........I don't see nothing
wrong with that, as long as no one is in pain...ride on my hiv friends..luv ya Ubotts

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