Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
December 18, 2014, 05:09:58 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 649718
  • Total Topics: 49588
  • Online Today: 149
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 4
Guests: 111
Total: 115

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Uninvited  (Read 3576 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline structuredjen

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Uninvited
« on: September 07, 2007, 02:13:14 PM »
My bf has his first offical doctors appointment scheduled in a couple weeks. The lab work for his cd4 and viral load has been completed.  He's already gone to the lab and picked up his results.  CD4 310, VL 50,000.  He tested positive August 2.

I asked him when the appointment was so I could get the time off work, and although he did give me the day and time - he ended it "Would you be dissapointed if I rather go alone?"

Dissapointed?  I was devestated.  But I realize I tend to be emotional, especially lately.

I want to go.  There is nothing more important to me right now than his health.  If it were me, I know I'd want him there, but it's not me and I remind myself of that.  I feel hurt that he doesn't want me to go, and I'm upset that I won't get to talk to the doctor and hear first hand what he has to say.

But then I step back, and re-read what he wrote.  He didn't say, "I don't want you to go". He simply asked how I would feel.  I did respond that I would be disappointed but whatever he wants to do is okay.

In the end, I just want to be there for him.  Whatever makes it easier on him is what I feel I should do.  At the same time, he's my partner, my love.  His future is our future.  I want to be there.  It's important to me.  At the same time, I don't want to add stress or make him uncomfortable by letting me come along.

What do you do?

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,324
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2007, 02:19:56 PM »
Girl, let him go alone!  If there is a time somebody might seriously just want some "me time"- this is it. 

His asking "how you would feel" about it is a very gentlemanly way of saying he might wish to do this by himself.

I say give him the time and the space.  Once it settles in some, he may wish to have you come along.

But for now let him have any personal time and space he needs.

This is so not about you- it's about him right now.


AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2007, 02:22:27 PM »
jen,

If I were you, I'd let him go alone and wouldn't make him feel like it was a bad thing. There will be plenty other doctor appointments to come - plenty - so it's not like you'll never get the chance again. Let him have his space. A doctor's appointment is a very private, personal thing, at least it is to me. Let him get to know the doctor on his own terms - and he'll probably be happy to have you come along at some point in the future. For now, let him call the shots. It's HIS illness, at the end of the day.

Ann

I see Timmy beat me to it... :)


Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline structuredjen

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2007, 02:29:55 PM »
Thanks for the advice- It's exactly what I needed to hear-

It's just hard forcing myself to sit on the sidelines right now.  :(





Offline comino

  • Member
  • Posts: 31
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2007, 02:52:42 PM »
Thanks for the advice- It's exactly what I needed to hear-

It's just hard forcing myself to sit on the sidelines right now.  :(





The fact that you are there for him through this by default makes you totally in the game, don't think for a second that you are in the sidelines.  I can only guess but I assume that your continued support is something your bf is truly thankful for.  As it's been mentioned before during this period sometimes it's better to be alone to process don't take it personal.  Thank you for continuing your support of your boyfriend.   I know that when I was going through the initial period having friends and loved ones made all the difference.  Sometimes I forgot to thank them so in case he does, know that we appreciate what you are doing and he does too
 ;D

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2007, 03:16:54 PM »
jen,

I hear you, but sometimes being supportive means giving the other person space.

And along these lines, be careful that you aren't constantly questioning him "how do you feel?" "how are you?" "are you ok?" I can tell you first hand that this gets very old, very quickly, and can become a major annoyance. My partner did this to me (still does, but not as much as he used to) and while I know he does it because he cares, it still gets on my last nerve.

Keep the lines of communication open, but try not to give him the health-related third-degree all the time. Treat him like you always have; he'll thank you for it.

Hang in there hun, I know it's a steep learning curve for both of you.  :-*

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline structuredjen

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2007, 03:24:32 PM »
It is Ann - thank you so much.  Your advice is exactly what I'm looking for.  I don't know what to do (I hate that), and it's so new to both of us, that I'm not sure he can even tell me what he wants as far as support goes. 

Space - I can do that.  I was so afraid that "space" would be received as my not caring, or not being able to cope, or not wanting to hear - never did I think that it might actually be exactly what he needs.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond Ann - it means the world to me.


Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Uninvited
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2007, 03:44:33 PM »
jen,

One way to get around it would be to say to him "what did you do/are you up to today" instead of "how are you today". Things of that nature. It will show you're interested, but allows him to choose the subject matter. For instance, he might tell you something inconsequential, or he just might say "I thought about nothing but hiv all day". Keeping the lines of communication open means being there, being available, but not questioning or pestering.

Like I said earlier, the best thing you can do is treat him the same as you always did. He is, after all, the same person.

And you're welcome, btw. Just doing my bit! ;)

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.