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Greeting from yet another newbie

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komnaes:
My positive test result came back only 3 days ago and I still feel strangely calm about it. I am 38 and have been sexually active for close to 2 decades. I was very careful back then - it was at the midst of the major AIDS scare and I have witnessed a few close friends faded away in the early 90s - and I thought at the time I would never make any mistakes or allow myself to slide when it came to sex. But then I had and still have many dark elements to struggle with. And of course I then became increasingly careless and even reckless, abondoning all cautions to the point that one might even say that I was "chasing" it.

So when the result came back positive I was not at all surprised. I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around! I am glad that it took me only a day to realize that I was not at all being realistic about it and in many it was just "magical" thinking. I think I can safely say that on one ever can just turn one's life around like this.

In any case I had the sense to immediately arrange an appointment to get my first big blood test the next day (yesterday) and I spoke to a professional nurse that I have come to know very well (I have known her for ten years, and that's another story I wish to share later). I don't know if I will need to immediately go on meds - but thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your stories and shared experiences - I am less worried about side efforts and all these ups and downs that are waiting for me as, by reading what's happened to you back when you were at where I am now and further down the road, I am now more psychologically prepared. The conversation with the nurse was also extremely insightful, for me, as she noted that many recently seroconverts felt the same "enlightment" - like me they felt that it was a much needed opportunity to mend the way of their "sinful" past that got them infected. But what is important, she said, is to actually keep this feeling alive.

I have more than just this feeling to keep alive - some suicidal thoughts have come back, but at least now I am still very sure that what's just happened is part of my life now, whether I like it or not. And I am happy to have found all of you - still perfect strangers - to share.

That's all I want to write now, and I am sure from now on you will read more from me.
Shaun

chadly:
From one newbie to another,   welcome!

Keep the feeling alive and goodluck with your numbers!

Will be looking for your next post.. 

milker:

--- Quote from: komnaes on September 07, 2007, 12:18:00 PM ---I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around!

--- End quote ---
Interesting I felt the same sense of relief.

Welcome to the forums, Shaun.

Milker.

xyahka:
Hi, glad to read you are doing ok, i have also felt suicidal some times... but you see, dark days never last forever.  There will be lot of shinny days yet for you and you will still enjoy the magic of being alive :) I can ensure you that.

Big hugs from my sunny country.

welcome to the forums!

Juan Carlos

komnaes:
Thanks guys

I am fortunate enough to have some good friends and are able get help almost immediately. Talking to a social worker and a fellow peer counsellor helped enormously, but I am still not sure if I am feeling the impacts yet as for the last few days I felt and still feel like I am watching myself in a really bad TV series. What I mean is I am feeling like it isn't me that who's just been tested positive, it is somebody else that I am watching. Strange but I suppose not uncommon.

I know it depends very much on individual, but from my conversation with a peer counsellor last night and a social worker, it seems that there's now a sense of optimism that with all the currently available meds, one can look to very little and manageable side effects (no more massive lipodystrophy, etc) and one can almost expect to stay healthy as long as meds are taken and one's to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

It sounds too easy, isn't it? Is it all about keeping one's mind balanced and not be overcame by fears?

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