Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 24, 2014, 07:36:14 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 647071
  • Total Topics: 49294
  • Online Today: 181
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 7
Guests: 126
Total: 133

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Greeting from yet another newbie  (Read 3271 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Greeting from yet another newbie
« on: September 07, 2007, 12:18:00 PM »
My positive test result came back only 3 days ago and I still feel strangely calm about it. I am 38 and have been sexually active for close to 2 decades. I was very careful back then - it was at the midst of the major AIDS scare and I have witnessed a few close friends faded away in the early 90s - and I thought at the time I would never make any mistakes or allow myself to slide when it came to sex. But then I had and still have many dark elements to struggle with. And of course I then became increasingly careless and even reckless, abondoning all cautions to the point that one might even say that I was "chasing" it.

So when the result came back positive I was not at all surprised. I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around! I am glad that it took me only a day to realize that I was not at all being realistic about it and in many it was just "magical" thinking. I think I can safely say that on one ever can just turn one's life around like this.

In any case I had the sense to immediately arrange an appointment to get my first big blood test the next day (yesterday) and I spoke to a professional nurse that I have come to know very well (I have known her for ten years, and that's another story I wish to share later). I don't know if I will need to immediately go on meds - but thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your stories and shared experiences - I am less worried about side efforts and all these ups and downs that are waiting for me as, by reading what's happened to you back when you were at where I am now and further down the road, I am now more psychologically prepared. The conversation with the nurse was also extremely insightful, for me, as she noted that many recently seroconverts felt the same "enlightment" - like me they felt that it was a much needed opportunity to mend the way of their "sinful" past that got them infected. But what is important, she said, is to actually keep this feeling alive.

I have more than just this feeling to keep alive - some suicidal thoughts have come back, but at least now I am still very sure that what's just happened is part of my life now, whether I like it or not. And I am happy to have found all of you - still perfect strangers - to share.

That's all I want to write now, and I am sure from now on you will read more from me.
Shaun
« Last Edit: September 07, 2007, 10:06:30 PM by komnaes »
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline chadly

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2007, 12:43:16 PM »
From one newbie to another,   welcome!

Keep the feeling alive and goodluck with your numbers!

Will be looking for your next post.. 


Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2007, 07:08:13 PM »
I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around!
Interesting I felt the same sense of relief.

Welcome to the forums, Shaun.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline xyahka

  • Member
  • Posts: 789
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2007, 12:08:20 AM »
Hi, glad to read you are doing ok, i have also felt suicidal some times... but you see, dark days never last forever.  There will be lot of shinny days yet for you and you will still enjoy the magic of being alive :) I can ensure you that.

Big hugs from my sunny country.

welcome to the forums!

Juan Carlos
« Last Edit: December 12, 2009, 05:39:33 PM by Andy Velez »
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2007, 12:47:56 AM »
Thanks guys

I am fortunate enough to have some good friends and are able get help almost immediately. Talking to a social worker and a fellow peer counsellor helped enormously, but I am still not sure if I am feeling the impacts yet as for the last few days I felt and still feel like I am watching myself in a really bad TV series. What I mean is I am feeling like it isn't me that who's just been tested positive, it is somebody else that I am watching. Strange but I suppose not uncommon.

I know it depends very much on individual, but from my conversation with a peer counsellor last night and a social worker, it seems that there's now a sense of optimism that with all the currently available meds, one can look to very little and manageable side effects (no more massive lipodystrophy, etc) and one can almost expect to stay healthy as long as meds are taken and one's to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

It sounds too easy, isn't it? Is it all about keeping one's mind balanced and not be overcame by fears?
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2007, 01:10:59 AM »
I re-read your post and I relate so much to it, it's amazing. We're more or less the same age and your first and second paragraphs sounds exactly like me.

There will be a time when councellors, non-hiv+ friends, and such will not relate to your new condition. I'm glad you found the forums, you will learn a lot from there.

Milker.

mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2007, 01:26:36 AM »
I re-read your post and I relate so much to it, it's amazing. We're more or less the same age and your first and second paragraphs sounds exactly like me.

There will be a time when councellors, non-hiv+ friends, and such will not relate to your new condition. I'm glad you found the forums, you will learn a lot from there.

Milker.



Thanks Milker

It's actually the same feeling I had when my father passed away some years ago - leaving me with also massive financial problems - and then 3 years ago when I broke up with my partner of 8 years. I spent weeks working, handling new problems, living life as close to being normal as possible, not exactly feeling numb but more like I was acting a script, I knew what I had to do and say and did my lines well, but it just wasn't me.

But I suppose now that at least when it comes to taking meds, etc, I think what I will do is to ignore all these BS about HIV not causing AIDS, HAART has more fatal side efforts, and for once submit myself to what the best meds have to offer now and stay as optimistic as I can about my health.

As for my psychological wel being - I have been having problems anyway so I will have plenty of time to deal with them.

Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2007, 05:14:22 AM »
Keeping that optimism alive is one of the things I try to do too, Shaun, day by day, because we can't predict the future. Being your own best friend is important in this life, I say. Others may let you down sometimes, but if you have a good relationship with yourself you can get through nearly anything.

Welcome to the forums.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2007, 05:38:38 AM »
Thanks Daniel

Oh yeah, we can all expect to end up having to stay in a hospital one way or another, with or without the HIV. I still wish I could expire like my great grandma - never having to spend a single day in a hospital, she just dropped one evening while cleaning dishes at the age of 76. That was 20 years ago so she was probably above average.

I am now less scared after having read all those stories of survival and I am now more toned to accepting this as a chronic health problem that I need to manage. I am lucky to live in a city that health care is (still, touch wood) universal and I don't need to worry about insurance at all. I was just talking to my social worker again and I think for selfish reason we all need to be more proactive in educating people. We don't want to see our clinics overwhelmed!

I still have this I-am-not-me feeling (do they have a name for it? let's call it "ianom").. like I am only a witness to this. I think the reality will set in once I have some real pills to take and real side efforts to deal with.. and hopefully it won't be for a while.

Shaun
« Last Edit: September 09, 2007, 05:40:45 AM by komnaes »
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2007, 09:00:40 AM »
Shaun,

I am also “lucky” to live where universal health care coverage is mandated (Canada). I must remember to be grateful for that.

I also want to say that feeling of being detached is normal considering you were diagnosed only a few short days ago. Despite that feeling, I’m glad to know you’re being proactive in your health care and not having a bad reaction and fleeing into things that could hurt you even more. It’s important (to me) to be gentle with ourselves now that we have this challenging unwanted houseguest that will not leave.

Daniel
« Last Edit: September 09, 2007, 09:06:42 AM by DanielMark »
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,898
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2007, 09:34:15 AM »
Hi Daniel

I miss Canada though I am not a Canadian.. you folks have been great to me as I received a full scholarship to study there for a year long time ago. I should make a trip back soon.

The "detached" feeling I have come to learn as a survival tactic - I am feeling what I felt with my father's death and my partner breaking up with me. Actually if I have to classify the "severity" this has been been medium-high (the breakup being off-the-chart-high). I am actually managing this "crisis" better than the breakup, so far. I was able to go back to work and somewhat managed to handle a few things after the test result the next day and the following day, up to 50 percent of my usual capacity. I suppose right now I realize I need the incomes.

Another thing I have also resolved - I may change my mind - is to keep this from my mother. She's her own health issues so by telling her I know would literally kill her. My resolution is that no matter what happens she's not to know; if it is TB I come down with somehow I will tell her it's TB, or KS, or whatever. Just not HIV. Now that I have resolved this I am feeling much better.

I think the ultimate test is the time I need to start meds, feeling the side efforts or having some related medicial problems. I have been not good in dealing with being sick - just a bad flu can make me very depressed. As of now I am concentrating on who to tell and to immediately start building a support network.

What's been your experiences in getting supports Daniel?

Can I hugh you? Hugs, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Greeting from yet another newbie
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2007, 05:00:24 PM »
My close friends and my boyfriend are my main source of support, Shaun. My family (or should I say my relatives), have been fairly useless in that department.

Yah, you can hug me but only if I can hug you back. ;)  I'll try to send you a PM later.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.