Main Forums > Someone I Care About Has HIV

Where do I start?

(1/2) > >>

structuredjen:
The beginning I suppose....

He and I were best friends for years.  We had one of those bonds where everyone around us was convinced there was something going on.  But it was completely platonic.   He liked men, I'm a woman - end of story.  It was never a consideration. 

Then one day something happened.. or maybe it was really there all along.  We found ourselves both single and suddenly it was more than friends.  We talked for a long time about it, us, our feelings, and decided to make a go of it.

That was almost a year ago. 

Rewind to two years ago - he was really sick.  No one could figure out what was wrong.  He had an HIV test, it came back negative.

Last month we found out he's positive.  I've tested negative thus far. We now play very safe, and I'm scheduled for my 3 and 6 month test.

I really felt I'd never find anyone else in my shoes, and it's been really comforting finding this forum and realizing I'm not alone.  But I still feel really alone.

I feel I need to be strong for him, and I want to.  But in the process of being strong for him, I swallow my own fears.  I haven't told anyone close to me, nor do I plan to.  See, the thing is - my family and friends all knew him before we got together.  They all know he lived a gay lifestyle prior to me.  HIV is exactly the word that flashed in all their heads when I told them all about us.  In fact, my father hasn't spoken to me since. I didn't care what they thought then, nor do I really care now  - but I'm highly doubtful that any one of them could provide the support I'm looking for.  And I feel that telling him the things that run through my head could only hurt the positive thinking he needs from me.

I'm scared.  I'm scared I'm not strong enough to take care of him and myself.  I'm scared I'm going to lose him.  I'm really not scared that I'm going to become positive.  I've thought several times that I wish I was. I don't really mean that, I know that - but some days it just seems like it would be so much easier if we were in the same boat.  I sometimes I feel like HIV is this meteor that's crashed down between us.  I feel like we both belong to different clubs.  I try to imagine what he's going through, but I know I can't really - and I don't think he understands what I'm going through.  I'm definitely looking into counseling in hopes we can find a forum to share our feelings - but even a counselor scares me.  See - maybe I'm just jaded, but I just feel so convinced that people will look at us like we're nuts.  Well, me actually - I'm with a "gay" man who now has HIV and the only advice I can imagine is "Run, you stupid woman" - and that's not what I'm looking for.

He's doing pretty well.  There are days he's really pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic.  And there are days that almost seem normal again.  He just received his first labs - cd4 in the 300's, viral load 50,000 (did I say that right?  I'm new to the lingo).  His first doctor appointment is in two weeks.

I don't want to run.  I love him.  At the same time.... I'm so scared.





SecretKeeper:

--- Quote from: structuredjen on September 05, 2007, 07:53:03 PM ---I'm scared.  I'm scared I'm not strong enough to take care of him and myself.  I'm scared I'm going to lose him.  I'm really not scared that I'm going to become positive.  I've thought several times that I wish I was. I don't really mean that, I know that - but some days it just seems like it would be so much easier if we were in the same boat.  I sometimes I feel like HIV is this meteor that's crashed down between us.  I feel like we both belong to different clubs.  I try to imagine what he's going through, but I know I can't really - and I don't think he understands what I'm going through. 
--- End quote ---

Amen to that.  I've thought every single one of those thoughts, just couldn't quite articulate it as well as you just did. 

xyahka:
You will be strong and he will be strong, Hiv is something people learn to live with. You see... human being are very strong and adaptable creatures. Try to see you both as a team.. not against Hiv, but a team to keep on reaching your goals in life... hiv is just another obstacle from many you will face. Eventhough, it is an obstacle that can be handled, that's what we do.

Go for counselling and start creating this relationship where you both can express your concerns and fears like two good friends and like partners. When we are in a team of two... sharing thoughts is important.

Things will be OK, keep the faith high.

Juan Carlos

Fabrizio:
Hello,

my partner was diagnosed in June, and I do understand what you are going through. I have been worried for him, for myself, and wonder what's our future going to be like. I also had an issue with my family: they had just began to cope with the idea of me being gay and cannot think about telling them about Hiv (exactly, the word they have in their mind when they think about homosexuality).

Nevertheless, my partner and I look forward a long life together, we have a good time, we argue about silly things... that's just a way of saying that things can look pretty normal living with Hiv.

I hope your tests will come back negative; if so, you can relax and in 100 years in a magnetic relationship there would be no reason one should get infected...

Keep well. You are most surely not alone out there!

f.

structuredjen:
thank you so much for your responses - it's so nice to hear encouragement :)

Do you ever feel incredibly selfish?

That's all I seem to keep feeling lately.  I feel like no matter what my problem is, whether it's HIV and my fears regarding our future or something as trivial as work - it's nothing compared to what he's going through.

I feel selfish for feeling needy.  I feel selfish for even feeling like I should even have needs right now when he's going through so much more than me. 

Do you ever feel the same way?  How do you get through that?  Am I right in feeling selfish and really shouldn't even think about putting my own dispairing moments on him right now? or am I just creating an invisible barrier for myself?







Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version