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Author Topic: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.  (Read 3378 times)

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Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« on: August 31, 2007, 03:27:20 PM »
Take me down, 6 underground,
The ground beneath your feet,
Laid out low, nothing to go
Nowhere a way to meet
Ive got a head full of drought,
Down here, so faroff losing out
Round here,

Overground, watch this space,
Im open to falling from grace

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zq1ja7ISBuc

Worn out, sick of everything

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2007, 03:49:04 PM »
Alex,

What's going on here?

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2007, 10:15:36 PM »
Alex,

Wanna check in? 

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2007, 01:33:29 AM »
Alex~

You're being much too hard on yourself, sweetie!  Feel it, walk througth the shit and really FEEL it, but please post and tell us what your thoughts are.  Please?......  :(

~Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline scud44

  • Member
  • Posts: 393
  • I am watching you
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2007, 03:28:17 AM »
I can relate to that!

.............very much!!!!
CD4 = 110 - 30 July 2007 - 10%
VL = 139000 - 30 July 2007
CD4 = 252 - 6th August 2007
VL = 16400 - 23rd August 2007
CD4 = 240 - 23rd August 2007
VL = 400 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 96 - 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 120 18th Sept 2007
VL = 386000 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 160 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 110 10th Jan 2008
CD4 = 311 29th Jan 2008
VL = <50 29th Jan 2008
CD4 = 148 2nd April 2008
VL = 110,000 2nd April 2008
June 2010 and nothing has improved

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,398
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2007, 04:36:17 PM »
Alex,

Honey, check in please.

HUGS,

Mark
« Last Edit: September 02, 2007, 04:37:54 PM by aztecan »
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2007, 11:14:57 AM »
Anyone know how to reach Alex?

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2007, 12:33:03 PM »
Alex was logged in as recently as yesterday, so don't be thinking the worst...

Alex, hun, could you type a few lines to let us know you're alright? You've got people who care about you here, don't scare us like this, please.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2007, 07:23:16 PM »
Alex~

I read another thread that you started.  You're dealing with pain in your legs.....Can you let us know how you're doing physically and mentally?  People here are thinking of you tonight and wondering if you're OK.  PM someone if that's better for you, but please let one of us know how you're doing, ok?

~Cindy  :)
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2007, 07:37:33 PM »
Alex-
  I do hope and pray you're doing o.k.  Please, please let us know you're o.k.  Thanks.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2007, 02:40:39 PM »
Alex was logged in as recently as yesterday, so don't be thinking the worst...

Not thinking the worst though growing increasingly worried.

Alex and I aren't friends so can't quite place the disquiet in me outside of his message and a gut instinct.  Would really appreciate it if anyone here knows him and can contact him outside of this board.

Offline pozguy75

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,239
    • POZitively Speaking
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2007, 05:14:32 PM »
Hey, where are you??? Please check in babe, we want hear from you!
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2007, 11:31:24 AM »
Hi Alex. What's up? Still feeling low?
xxx,
Mike

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #13 on: September 06, 2007, 11:39:53 AM »
I PMed Alex on 9/3, but haven't heard back yet.
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #14 on: September 06, 2007, 04:32:56 PM »
I pm'd him on the 1st and haven't heard back either.

I am just hoping that he has been busy and not online lately.

On the off-chance however that I am wrong - I hope he sees this and realizes that people are concerned.

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2007, 03:35:27 PM »
Hi all:

I guess I cannot lie, right? Not here. Not about this. Last friday was a mess.

Yes. You instincts were right. But I am a freaking coward. Once again I couldn't do it. I am a whimp. Saturday was not that better either. I couldn't.

And I spent all weekend indoors, alone, smoking. And I wanted to drink. Not in so distant past, I got drunk. And damn, it felt good. Wanna know why? Cause I laughed . And when the thought of having it would com to my mind, I wouldn't care. And I would feel free.

And on monday, I had to put my pieces together, cause they called me from my work. And wore my mask again. And smiled , faking to everyone, stating that Ihad a fabulous weekend. Lies

And would work 9 to 5. And then run to home. And tried to sleep. Of course, I am such an asshole that I kept on taking my pills.

And I had to call mom, just to lie again. I love her, but, whatever.

And I am back. Wondering a thousan things. Again, Friday night. But alive.

And went to my doctor. And almost begged him for anything to get rid of the pain. Morphine, whatever. He cried. Never saw him cry before (the nurse later told me she couldn't believe. He has been working on HIV for 15 years, and only cried once. I am his second. ) . And asked to stay strong, to go out, walk, do something not to think. I felt pity for him.

I thought about going on a sex-spree . And then, couldn't. I wouldn't dare. I not even have balls for that.

Well, that is it. I am real here, it feels good.

I just saw your words. And I cried. And thanked God for someone asking how I was. Cause even when i am a great faker, loneliness is killing me inside.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2007, 05:19:42 PM »
Yes. You instincts were right. But I am a freaking coward. Once again I couldn't do it. I am a whimp. Saturday was not that better either. I couldn't.

Hi Alex~

When you say "you couldn't" in the quote above, were you simply referring to posting again here?  Or is this something more serious and deeper?

I hope you're OK.  The moon was messed up last week, sent me into a frikkin' tailspin, too, but I am OK.  Hope to hear from you sooner rather than later .....

~Cindy   :-*
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2007, 05:36:52 PM »
Hi Moonlight: Let's say "checking out early" was the thing I couldn't do.

 :-*

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2007, 05:46:24 PM »
Hi Moonlight: Let's say "checking out early" was the thing I couldn't do.

 :-*

Alex

That's what I thought you were referring to.  No matter what, you have a reason to be here.  You will have days where you will laugh, you will be happy and you will be LIVING with HIV.  Please don't check out on us.  There is so much for you to live for, even if you don't feel that way at times.  I spiral down a lot in my life, too, and I don't even drink or do drugs.  I have no escape, and instead I choose to just hurt, sulk, mope, cry, bitch, vent, kick....whatever it takes until the fretting has passed. 

Put on some of your favorite music and dance like no one is watching!  I do that, and sometimes its while listening to heavy metal rock'n'roll!  THAT in itself gives me a good laugh, lol! 

Hang in there, sweetie!

~Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2007, 06:09:35 PM »
Alex,

I can't say why I couldn't just let your post drift away and why I checked everyday, and damn if I don't hate it when other people claim to "know" something is seriously wrong vs. just someone just having the blahs...but something kept calling me to your post.

I know all too well what has been going through your mind...iI've been there....sitting at the water's edge, with weights and a blindfold and jsut wanted this (what ever this is suppose to be) work so that you don't have to face one more day of uncertainty about yourself.

In my case I did pull myself from the brink - literally - as I was hanging by my arms with the weights pulling me down...and I couldn't let go - so I pulled myself back up...and took very little baby steps to get me back to a place of a little more surety.

I'm not going to claim that it's going to be alright - cause even as recently as last night after facing some blows I found myself in a dark place that I haven't been in quite a while...but I will tell you that if you have the capability to stop yourself from going through with it - you have the capability to go even further away from it than it may seem possible right now.  Alex, don't for a second assume you didn't complete something by not doing it....you completed something amazing and important - you completed a battle for yourself and you won.

You have my heart and thoughts right now and if you ever want to talk, let me know - but please accept one thing - there are people here who care about you and about each other - let this board do what it is best at - let it support you while you are in need.

All my love, brother,

Mark/Iggy

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2007, 07:28:12 PM »
Good to hear you are alive and still with us. I am so, so sorry to hear of the level of pain you are feeling. Hope you'll not ignore the wonderful offers people have extended to you......that is, to converse with folks using the personal mailbox options. Talk to Iggy. Doesn't always have to make practical sense what you say.....just let it out and exchange ideas with him or with Moonlight. It will help. Oh, yes, talk to me too!
 :-*:(:-*
Mike

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I hate friday nights. Damn it I do.
« Reply #21 on: September 07, 2007, 08:05:02 PM »
Alex~

This may be too light-hearted for this thread right now, please forgive me if it is.  I just found this link and posted it in MY "dark thread." 

Pretend I'm there dancing with you, ok?   :-*

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rnDrbagYm24

...and then you can teach ME how to do some of those awesome dance moves!

Sending love your way!

~Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

 


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