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Author Topic: What is the craziest situation you have placed yourself in due to HIV  (Read 2079 times)

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Offline hudstar

  • Member
  • Posts: 130
  • 2010
This may be an odd post to have but I was reading through my journal dated 1989 and was reminded of a crazy stunt I pulled - quite poetic really but crazy just the same. I rewrote it for my novel so here is a cut and paste from my writing. I think it shows a very desperate kid one year after diagnosis. I was never raised in any religion but at that time needed answers.


Everybody needs religion or faith. I need faith, religion. From what I had seen and experienced, most religions refused one simple element, the sacredness of existence. To me popular religions went against the fabric of our own humanity. If established and influential religions go against you, what have you left but to rely on yourself or like most, become driven by shame and guilt all your life. I realised this.  I did not see any god or gods. The only power I had seen was that of nature and that was no way vengeful, hateful or discriminatory. .............................................................I GO ON A BIT HERE...................................................................

I was bought to consciousness as I noticed a sudden cold change in the air. Stillness followed shortly afterwards and I sat up and looked around at people packing their belongings and exiting the beach rather quickly. I looked out over the bay and saw a black cloud coming my way flashing with electrified energy. I decided then to have a showdown with “god”. I lay back down on the sand and stared up at the hectic commotion that was about to occur above me.

I spread eagled like a crucified Christ

The clouds were right above me now and I was mesmerised by the black and grey mass as it spiralled and twisted around itself, crackling and belching from within. It was beautiful to watch.

The flashing thunderous cloud rolled directly over me, rumbling with vibration as the hairs on my arm bristled in reaction to the energised atmosphere.

“Fuck you” I whispered

I was silenced by its magnificence as I lay absorbing the storm as it passed over quickly. I lay breathing heavily at what I had just done. I felt my soul pulsating and feeling sacred I remained spread on the beach in silence. I now knew how ridiculous the notion of a judgemental God was if his force cannot strike me down, even when invited.  I had the whole beach to myself that afternoon and thought of nothing much in particular.

WHAT WAS I DOING!....kind of like a romantic suicide or a very brave confrontation. Anyhow my post does have reason, I'm interested to hear if anyone else did anything "out of the ordinary" back in the days of living a "death sentence"?
« Last Edit: September 18, 2007, 03:52:03 AM by hudstar »
diagnosed 1988
POZ personals - hudster

Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,957
Re: What is the craziest situation you have placed yourself in due to HIV
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2007, 09:22:48 AM »
Nope, just the usual combo of drinks, drugs and denial with a failed suicide attempt thrown in for good measure.

Offline komnaes

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  • Posts: 1,893
Re: What is the craziest situation you have placed yourself in due to HIV
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2007, 09:52:39 AM »
Hi Hudstar

That's a lovely piece of writing, and I have done something similar when I was a young (suicidal) man, pre-dated my HIV diagnosis. Are you still working on that novel?

Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline hudstar

  • Member
  • Posts: 130
  • 2010
Re: What is the craziest situation you have placed yourself in due to HIV
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2007, 02:59:49 PM »
Komnaes, yes still writing. I started my novel after a BBC interview I had regarding HIV a few years back when I came out (poz) after 15 yrs silence
diagnosed 1988
POZ personals - hudster

Offline hudstar

  • Member
  • Posts: 130
  • 2010
Re: What is the craziest situation you have placed yourself in due to HIV
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2007, 03:34:27 PM »
Nope, just the usual combo of drinks, drugs and denial with a failed suicide attempt thrown in for good measure.

And Im glad you're still here. I'm guessing your dark humour got you through some tough times?  ;D - love the Aunty Doxie cartoon, pretty much sums things up!
diagnosed 1988
POZ personals - hudster

 


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