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Author Topic: Somone I care about is POZ  (Read 6828 times)

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Offline lovingfriend

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  • Posts: 2
Somone I care about is POZ
« on: August 27, 2007, 03:31:36 PM »
My best friend has tested HIV Positive.  I still love that person the same regardless, however I want to know what I can do to help them.  Show them that I care, and that I am there for them no matter what.

I hope to learn from everyone's expieriences and apply those to my friendship.

Thanks.

LovingFriend

Online RapidRod

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  • Posts: 15,190
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2007, 03:41:08 PM »
What were you doing with them before they were positive? Continue to do the same thing.

Offline lovingfriend

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  • Posts: 2
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2007, 10:00:36 PM »
I have always been there rock - source of support and information.  Now I am in a area I am totally unaware.  I don't know how to help her other than continue being her friend.

I don't know how to answer her questions, or how to tell her she will be ok, and not to worry.  I know that this isn't a 100% death sentence, however it isn't a walk in the park either.

Offline tester8888

  • Member
  • Posts: 182
  • 32,wm, gay, hiv neg at 7 weeks, friend is newly +
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2007, 10:47:46 PM »
Lovingfriend,

I am in a similar boat as you.  My friend tested positive almost 5 weeks ago.  If intimate/romantic relations are involved it makes it even harder.

Immediately I relayed to him that it grieved me a great deal that this had happened to him.  I assured him that I would be stalwart to him and his needs.  The first day was filled with the expected 'oh my god's', damn damn damn's, and the usual such stuff.  If you are not familiar with it, you might look at the process/cycle of grief:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief  this helped me to process the way he was feeling/acting and my own thoughts and feelings as well.  You see, you too will grieve the situation too, not as intensely as he does, but none the less, affectively bad news will lead to grief.  When he was in the angry stage and said mean things, I ignored it and waited for it to pass, which it did, as I knew that was a part of the process.  So understanding the cycle of grief is a valuable tool to this situation and others in life.

Day 2, I hit the internet and learned everything I could about hiv.  This led me to this site which was great.  I  was in the mindset that hiv meant you spent the rest of a short life taking handfulls of meds several times a day and stayed sick from meds or infections all the time.  This site proved that wrong, and I am so glad that it did.  I have found not only great technical information on here, but also great stories that were truly inspiring.  I have enjoyed talking with the people in the forums, and have grown very fond of some of my new found friends.  I pass on some of these stories to him whenever he talks to me about what the future now holds.  I also learned the 'lingo' that goes with hiv, so, if he wanted, I could carry on a reasonable intelligent conversation with him about his cd4/vl labs, current meds, and etc.  When he did tell me his labs, I could genuinely be excited about the good numbers he had, rather than being a dumb mutton that had to be spoon fed the fact that I should be excited because the numbers were good.  It became a shared jubilation, versus him having to give me a tutorial on hiv and where he was on the labs.

I let him know, that whatever he told me would go no further.  That no one needed to know anything.  That even if my friends did know, he would not be treated any different.  While he has chosen not to disclose it to them as of yet, I let him know when he discusses the situation, that it will be no problem with any of them, and if it was, I would find no more use for the person who acted unadmirably.

I let him know that I was going to use what has happened to him, as a motivation for me to make certain changes that I needed to make in my life.  That he had given me a swift and sure reality check that I dearly needed.  That I truly appreciated life and health more because of this, and that he has been a tremendous force in helping me to straighten out some things in my life that I should be doing differently.

We continue to do all the things that we were doing before.  Even including sex.  I have let him kinow, that nothing about who we are and what we enjoy doing and what we plan in life has changed.  It's difficult to convey this message that 'nothing has changed', but with a well established friendship, the point makes it's way through.

For the first 2 weeks I made sure that we spoke, or I at least attempted to contact him every day.  I needed to know that he was okay, and needed him to know that I was there, and was a little worried for awhile he might be suicidal, and wanted him to know that he meant something to someone, and not to act foolishly.

I never press him to discuss the situation, particulars, etc.  I let him tell me what he wants me to know.  During the first 2 weeks, I did ask him every day if he was doing okay or if he wanted to talk about anything.  Since then, I do not, I act 'business as usual' and let him bring up the subjects of hiv when he feels the need to discuss them.

I don't know that all of this is the Best advice, but it is what I have done, and it has worked well for us so far.
You have found a good place here.  Send your friend here too.
I will end my ramble here. LOL

Good Luck to you.
Jason
7 weeks post exposure, tested HIV Negative.

Be Kind To Everyone You Meet, For You Do Not Know What Battles They Have Fought That Day.

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2007, 10:51:41 PM »
Here is an email I received this morning, after seeing a friend this week-end in Los Angeles. I disclosed to her right after my diagnosis, she lives in Texas and she didn't have the opportunity to see me since then.

xxx,
  I have been thinking of you since I saw you and I just wanted you to know something. I don't know when it happened or how and it really doesn't matter, but I really, really love you. You are an incredible person with a really good heart. I am glad that you and I became friends and know that we will always be that. Know that if you ever need anything, even if it is calling in the middle of the night from a bar so you can SHARE, I am here.
  I look forward to more times together.

Love,

xxx


Simple messages like this and I know there is one person I can count on when things don't go too well.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2007, 11:07:40 PM »
Looking back at my dark diagnosis days (which is hard to do because they were so long ago) I distinctly recall one of my closest friends making sure he ate dinner with me every five days or so for the first month.  Sounds trite, but it did really help me actually.  Actually he may have eaten with me a couple of times the first weekend.  I think I had a handful of friends do simple things like that.  As far as what the conversation will be like during such instances I can not predict... too many variables.

It might help us here if you gave some indication of what your friend is experiencing at the moment... what they're doing with their time all day and what they've had to say thus far, etc.  There's no silver bullet to these experiences.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline mjmel

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  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2007, 03:02:32 AM »
You have commensed to inform yourself on the subject and joined as a member here ........furthermore, posted a request for some advice. You are being proactive in putting yourself in a position of support......I'd say he/she is fortunate to have you as a friend. Be  good company if your friend needs a shoulder to cry on during the initial schock and adjustment stage. Make yourself available for lunch or just hanging-out as philly267 indicated in his reply.
The reactions are all over the board to news of this nature.
xxx,
Mike

Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 778
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2007, 10:04:14 AM »
I have always been there rock - source of support and information.  Now I am in a area I am totally unaware.  I don't know how to help her other than continue being her friend.

Being her friend is a good beginning, and perhaps at the beginning you will have to do a lot of listening too.... and understanding. And yes i guess it will feel terrible not to have all answers, but none has them... nevertheless... love can cure the the worst pains of the heart... and i know by experience the love of a real friend can certainly do that and bring us back to life from pain.

I don't know how to answer her questions, or how to tell her she will be ok, and not to worry.  I know that this isn't a 100% death sentence, however it isn't a walk in the park either.

I would suggest you to start reading the lessons in www.aidsmeds.com and to give the link to your friend too. The first thing you will need to answer her questions properly is faith... faith that people all over the world have been able to manage the disease for a long amount of time and that side effects of it, despite being hard in some cases... are still manageable. Faith comes from knowing and knowing comes from reading. Aidsmeds is a good place to start and for any questions we will be here always to give you a hand.

big hugs for you and your friend. you both are NOT alone.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Fabrizio

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2007, 05:10:38 PM »
Hi,

I have just introduced myself in this forum ("Introducing myself" post).

My boyfriend is positive, and so are two very close friends of mine.

I wish all the best to your friend and yourself. Tips?

- educate yourself, read a lot about Hiv and medications
- offer your help, she might need a good cry
- behave like you did before: for example, if your friendship included jokes or comments about sex/sexuality do not think you will offend every time you mention these things...
- you might want to go with her to the doctor: the first blood tests can be a bit frightening

All the very best,

fabrizio
Worried and Optimistic Negative Partner

Offline megasept

  • Member
  • Posts: 478
  • Steven here...
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2007, 09:19:49 PM »
Jason & Loving Friend:

Do what seems right and what seems natural. If you show heart, you will be excused for any potential missteps. I offer only two bits of advice, and I am absolutely serious about this...Share water out of the same glass and touch each other more, not less.  

When you're young illness may seem foreign. This is all practice for the future together, especially past middle age (your friends may live decades with hiv, like me) when we learn how to live with illness, not simply to survive. 

Loving friends are everything!

 8) -megasept

Offline tester8888

  • Member
  • Posts: 182
  • 32,wm, gay, hiv neg at 7 weeks, friend is newly +
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2007, 11:36:53 PM »
Jason & Loving Friend:

Do what seems right and what seems natural. If you show heart, you will be excused for any potential missteps. I offer only two bits of advice, and I am absolutely serious about this...Share water out of the same glass and touch each other more, not less.  

When you're young illness may seem foreign. This is all practice for the future together, especially past middle age (your friends may live decades with hiv, like me) when we learn how to live with illness, not simply to survive. 

Loving friends are everything!

 8) -megasept

Thanks for the reply.
And believe me, we share more than water out of the same glass!       ;)
And would more often if it were up to me.
7 weeks post exposure, tested HIV Negative.

Be Kind To Everyone You Meet, For You Do Not Know What Battles They Have Fought That Day.

Offline med forum

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2007, 07:46:44 AM »
Please feel free to read some of my posts from the last few months.....I am going through something similar with my boyfriend. Some day you feel like you need to tip toe around the person....but you know what? Be yourself and try to understand as much as you can what your friend is going through by coming to sites like this one and learning as much as you can about HIV and AIDS. You will never be able to put yourself in her/his shoes...remember that but try and be as much of a support system and anchor as you can.

Best to you
Peace & health

Offline majik13

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2008, 04:31:27 AM »
Believe me,If everyone were falling dead that had AIDS like it was when I contracted HIV,I asure you,it was scary doing the mid 80s.

Offline Writerbabe

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Somone I care about is POZ
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2008, 07:32:49 PM »
Lovingfriend talk to your friend make it clear if you havent already that nothing has changed you still see her as the same person
It sounds so obvious but when my cousin tokd me he was poss he told me he was worried that our friendship would be differant untill i explained that nothing had changed between us 

 


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