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Why do I feel like this????

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i feel so unsure about everthing. since having hiv i have not really gone to a doctor steadly. i went a few times in ny and a few times here in miami. but for some reason i dont want to go. i feel so uneasy when i go that i cant wait to leave. I dont feel like getting treatment at all i feel like i should just wait untill i get sick before i do anything. but my brain tells then would probably be too late. Im married and me and my spouse have hiv and we both are not doing what we need to do. my life is just falling apart. am i crazy? i use toi be so out going so full of life but now i see myself being depressed all the times and not wanting to do anything. i work so much so i do not have to deal with anything else in life. im simply falling apart and i can not figure out how to put myself back together. i cant even begin to critize my wife for not going to the doctor when i will not even go. everytime i start i do ok. but then i forget appointments or i dont request the days off from work etc.. then i just say fuck it and i don not go back. I dont know where to start  i have told no one im affraid to even talk about it. i get nervous when i hear people talking about it. why can i just be normal and go to the doctor take meds if necessary and be ok? I think i have just simply given up.... i can no longer understand what went wrong with me. i do not know how to get bvack on track am i just waiting to get so sick that i can no longer be helped? do people who dont receive help live longer that those who do or vice versa?  I wish this never happened to me I would give anything to turn back time but i can not. this is lesson learned the hard way. i will for ever be paying the price for this with my life no matter how things turn out. i need to know how i can pick myself up again regain all my mental and physcial health back...I hate life..........i hate mylife.....

Matty the Damned:

You will probably get more appropriate responses with this thread in the Living With HIV forum rather than Off Topic. I'm sure one of the Moderators will move it there for you.



You should probably see about getting professional help (counselor, therapist) to help you sort out your feelings.  Your reaction to your diagnosis is probably not that uncommon.  But you really can't afford to keep your head in the sand for too long.  You are putting your health at risk.

You recognize there is a problem and you are actively seeking help.  That's a good thing.  It's just a matter of finding the help that you need and making the necessary steps to coming to terms with your diagnosis.

take care and keep us posted on how things are going.  okay?


Hi I did the same thing at first.
I guess it was my way of trying to NOT accept the fact that I'm positive.
Things worked out for me even though I delayed any kind of medical treatment,
but things don't always work out okay for everyone!
Everyone is different.
Please seek the treatment that you need!

Kelly  ;D

Hello Agent 911,

Your situation sounds so very similar to my own past experiences. I received my positive diagnosis in 1985, from a county health dept here in Florida. After those results, I basically shut down. I went to work everyday, did the things I had to do everyday,functioned as best I could everyday, and tried hard as hell not to think of being HIV positive. If there was any mention of HIV on the news, or TV especially in the very early days, I would intentionally avoid reading it, or watching it. I guess this was my denial !

From the time I was diagnosed in 1985 ,the next time I saw a doctor again was late 1986.(about a year later) this was once again at the same county health department. I went to reconfirm my already known status. Once again, they handed me the paper, and once again I walked out of the clinic, and went about life as best I could... again...

I never saw a doctor again until 1999. Which was when I had a viral load and t-cell count done.Those results were still pretty good, And unfortunately, I shut down again, until 2003, When I became very ill, because I held off TOO LONG. I had this delusion, that because I was healthy for so long, that maybe, just maybe, I would never progress to full blown aids. Bad mistake. Denial is a terrible thing !

I can assure you, that you are not the only one that feels the way you do. Unfortunately many people hold off, either because they don't want to go to the doctor (their own fears) or they go into denial (which is what I did). By the time October of 2003 rolled around, I was one very, very sick pup ! And I don't want to go through that again. I certainly would not want you or anyone else to go through that.

I let good health, through many years of living with this virus, get the better of me. I thought, I would never get sick, but I saw it happenning to others around me, all to often. I tried looking the other way. But I found out, I couldn't do that either.

I am probably just rambling here, but your post brought back some very familiar memories.

You need to get yourself back on track. I am not quite sure how you are going to do that. I can only share with you my experiences, You will need to get your priorities back in order. You will need the support of others, because I can tell you, you can not do this alone. You don't need to stand on a mountain and scream it to the world, BUT, You need to let out those feelings and inner most thoughts. !!! A good place to start is here on the forums, and from here you can get directed to ASO's , in your area, that can get you the additional help and support that you need. Because, while the forums can be a great place for support, you will still need face to face contact. There is no way of avoiding this.
 If you don't get this support you will continue to build that wall around yourself, and you will suffocate in it.

Finally, I can tell you from my own past, you don't want to hold off on treatment, until you get sick. This is exactly what I did, and I regret it to this day ! I should have made the appointments, ( and there were times when I had cancelled them), I should have kept my heath monitored( but I didn't). For me, It was walking around half-dead, that finally woke me up. I  even managed to get my 26 year partner, into his own state of denial, as far as what was happenning to me. ( if that makes any sense.)

Don't allow yourself, to get to this point. I managed to pull through, you may not ! You want to stick around for awhile right ? You have dreams and goals...Right? Well. it's not to late. Sometimes we all need a swift kick in the ASS !! So, I am giving you a kick in the butt !!! Just remember, you are not in this alone, and there are many of us  that understand, exactly what your saying here.

Stay in Touch with us, and get yourself moving !!-----------Ray


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