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Finding out new BF is Pos

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I recently met a guy online. We talked a couple of weeks online before finally deciding to meet. Just in conversation we hit it off really great. I was quite impressed with him. Before meeting we discussed that fact that nothing would happen between us that night. So no need for awkward first time jitters, no expectations other than to meet, hang out, talk and continue to get to know each other. So we meet, hit it off incredibly well. As the night went on, we found ourselves cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. At some point a kiss happened, then another. This did eventually lead to sex. So much for sticking with the planÖ.  During sex he was the top, and we didnít use a condom. I did end up spending the night. And the next day he wanted me to stay. I did need to leave to take care of some things at home, but I did come back a couple of hours later, and we hung out all afternoon into the evening - it was a great day. That evening, he said that he needed to talk to me about something important. He told me he was being treated for HIV. Hearing this I felt my world start to crumble. All I could think of was what happened the night before. I wanted to kill him for putting me in this position. I cursed myself for allowing it to happen. The anger I directed at myself was made even greater because I had just gotten my results back the day before we meet from my yearly test. It was negative, but the memory of the anxiety of waiting for the results was still in my mindÖ. I shouldnít have let it happen.
I listened as he spoke. He apologized for letting it happen. He had no plan of anything happening between us until it became clear if we were going to hit it off. And if we did, he would then tell me (before we ever did anything). He got caught up in the moment, just as I did. He went on to tell me that there was a chance he was misdiagnosed. Lots of details, but basically he was diagnosed from a CD4 reading of 398, no virus was found in the sample. Doc immediately started him on treatment. All labs since, normal cd4 levels, and still zero VL. More test need to be done.
But in any case, a relationship is forming between us. And for now we need to go on the assumption that he is positive. As for the incident the first nightÖ He didnít cum in me, and he doesnít pre-cum, add to that he has never had a VL of anything other than Zero - Iím not panicked. I know my odds are fine, but I also understand that the chance of exposure was still there.
Because itís apparent to both of us a relationship is growing, he sent me a link to this forum to view the discussions of pos and neg couples. I have spent many hours reading though posts, and checking out the Lessons section of the site. Iíve learned a lot, but there is still a lot of confusion in my head. Everyday he asks me what information Iíve looked up, and what questions I have for him. He also invited me to come and talk to the nurse that takes his blood work. My gut feeling is he is being honest with me about everything including test results, but of course I have considered the posibility that he may be trying to soften the blow by telling me there is a chance he was misdiagnosed. Itís a lot to take on. And unfortunately it isnít something I can talk with my friends about. Iím sure their reactions would be over-reactions in concern for my well being. Plus I need to respect his privacy.
Any and all advise would be appreciated.

You need to retest. 6 weeks and 13 weeks or just wait out the 13 weeks. Always use condoms. no exceptions.

I'd be interested to know what treatment was offered with a starting point of cd4 398 vl undetectable ?

And yes you need to be tested at 13 weeks, you were at risk.


I had a similar experience as yours that has unfolded over the past few weeks.  Founding a new relationship, sleeping together, and thinking both were hiv negative.  About 2 weeks into relationship, he showed me a letter he had got in the mail from the Health Dept., which turned out he had HIV, diagnosed from a blood donation he made to Red Cross a few days before we had met (story condensed due to fact I ramble too much).  In my case, he refuses to entertain any notion of any kind of an intimate relationship, which has been hurtful.  Hopefully you two can continue to be together and be very safe in your intimate encounters.

I do have to take issue with the fact, that I think anytime someone has any kind of a communicable disease (whether it be hiv, hep, mono, strep throat, herpes, etc, etc), they/you should disclose it to you/them prior to intimacy, so that you/they can make an informed decision.  I know I may catch some flak for saying this, but no one has the priviledge to take away someone's right to make an informed decision.  I have no doubt that I have slept with people who did not disclose, and that's my fault for going to places like bath houses and bookstores; but the point is, if you are establishing a relationship with someone, then you need to found that on open communication.  I hope that you all have had a good discussion about the importance of this.  I think it's the hardest part of a relationship.

This website is a great place.  I came in here with the pall of 'omg, I may get hiv!'.  I was ignorant on many, many, many things.  My 6 week test will come up the first-second week of September.  In the first days, I could not wait to get those test results so I would know.  Now, I already know that they will probably be negative and do not angst over it.  I admired the stories that I read hear.  Enjoyed some of the personalities that I met on here.  Had fun is some of the off-topic forums.  And have been very happy to have found this wonderful place.  I am sure that you will too.  Learn what you can about not only hiv technical stuff, but about the things that are important to someone with hiv in daily life, relationships, and etc.  If you are going to be dating someone with hiv, he will need you to know all of these things.  I know that I have learned much here.

Good luck to you

 :)  Thanks for the additional information.

I already have another appointment scheduled with my doctor in three months, so i will have her do the HIV test again.

As for the medications, from what he told me, and sorry I can't remember the names of the medications, the first doctor's approach was extremely aggressive. The strongest medications there were. He said the side effects were horrible. When he had to switch doctors, the second ones feeling were completely different because of never having a VL. Now he is on the least aggressive.

tester, I did read some of your other posts as I was exploring these forums, and I do agree, he should have told me before we went that far. But at this point it's water under the bridge. As for me, my feelings for him continue to develop. With that, there's the normal excitement of the situation - a developing relationship. But there is also the underlying fear. Fear not because of that first night. But on what dating someone who is HIV means. At times it's quite high. The panic usually only lasts a few minutes, something else pops into my head and the focus on the negative subsides. I am a little scared, I must admit, but this is all still very new to me, and a little overwhelming at the moment. I am glad he pointed me here. It's good to know I have a place to express my feeling and concerns. I usually speak to my x-wife about everything. We split 5 years ago. Last year I came out to everyone, including her and our son. We have remained very good friends and talk about everything. But this seems to be the first thing I can't talk to her about.

He told me last night that he made his next appointment with the nurse I mentioned.  It's on Tuesday, so I am going to see if I could take a day off to talk to her. He said he asked her if she would mind talking to me. She said not at all, but he does have to sign a release to allow he to. I'll have to start jotting down the questions I have or else I will forget the moment I'm talking with her.



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