Main Forums > Someone I Care About Has HIV

Is it wrong to be angry?

(1/4) > >>

Well, my husband had tested positive about 2 months ago now.  We're starting to settle into the fact that - yes this really is happening.  And now, as we're getting adjusted to the facts of HIV and everything that may or may not come with it, I'm starting to find that I'm pissed at him. 
He knows how he got it (even though he's lied about it to others).  I know how he got it.  I'm pretty sure he even knows who he got it from even though he won't tell me.  And I'm angry because I feel like his choices have turned my world upside down.  This all could have been avoided very easily. 
I tell myself that "how" or "why" he got HIV doesn't matter now.  He has it and that's the way it is.  But now, for some reason, that just doesn't seem good enough for me anymore.  And I know this is dumb, but I kind of wish he would just say "I'm sorry".  And then the guilt sets in and I feel bad for being angry & wanting an apology.  And then I get angry for feeling guilty.
Anyone else out there who is at least a little mad? 

I get mad, but its been 13 yrs since I tested pos, and 11 yrs since my husband died.  I know I can't change things, but initially, I was upset, angry and confused.  My husband knew he had the virus and didn't tell me.  It was all out on the table soon enough, and then we got married.  Yeah, strange but true.  He died 1 yr and 10 mos later. 

If I were you, I would tell your husband that you want some compassion and sympathy, vent and get it out.  It won't be easy, but is it ever easy with this damn virus?



It's entirely normal, under the circumstances. The emotion itself isn't the problem, but how you choose to deal with the anger may be.

I strongly suggest you find some counseling for yourself, somewhere where you can work through these feelings in safety. If your husband will go to couples counseling with you, so much the better, but no matter what he does, make sure you get some help and support for yourself. You won't regret it.


No, being angry is not wrong. Staying angry, however, will not do you any good either.
I'd get that apology because I think it's important for you in moving forward. So get it.
I prefer being up front with I'd just flat out ask for it. But, that's me.
Good luck. Welcome.



On reading your post, my first reaction is to want to kick your husband's ass for you.... but what would that really solve? 

I do not have a sense of "betrayal" around whoever gave me the virus a couple decades ago, but I have had those feelings towards other people in my life -- my parents, my maternal grandparents who raised me, my ex-partner of 12 years, and a few friends.  What I learned from working through my anger towards these people is that (1) counting on an 'apology' leaves my peace in their hands and (2) reaching a place of forgiveness towards them maintains my power and produces a far greater sense of comfort and resolution that an apology could ever afford.

Admittedly, those words may not be much consolation to you right now.  Still, I hope that you can look forward to a place and time where you have resolved the matter for yourself, independent of whatever your husband may acknolwedge.



[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version