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Author Topic: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?  (Read 6115 times)

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Offline CalvinC

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  • Posts: 143
Good lord help me, I'm up here in Sudbury, about 400 K north of Toronto. But the day was beautiful and my family is wonderful (oddly enough, though, my one sister-in-law hugged me but did not, for the first time ever, kiss my cheek. I noticed. I recently informed them I am poz. Hmmmmm)

So, alone, I visited my parents' grave, told them what had happened to me, cried some. I was thinking about loss, and I told them I lost my boyfriend. Then I remembered that he really wasn't my boyfriend, though we dated a couple of months, and then he left me the day after I told him I tested poz. A person like him, so self-concerned that he never even sympathized with my plight, can't be, I realized, the thing I miss (or if in some deep place he is, he won't be much longer).

I said that I missed the old Andrew, the lonely guy whose loneliness lead him into unsafe places, not because I want to be him again, but because he's dying or dading away and he needs someone to look after him. Which is another way of saying I wanted my parents to help me put him to rest as I need to move on. I'm going to miss him: that old Andrew was 47 years of my life. I miss him because he was part of me and lead me to where I am today, for good and ill. But I'm changing, and he's being left behind.

Andrew (not sure if that made sense, and looking forward to getting back to Toronto tomorrow)
« Last Edit: July 02, 2006, 11:47:52 PM by CalvinC »

Offline Sdgirl

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  • Posts: 247
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2006, 11:09:01 PM »
SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2006, 11:21:43 PM »
Calvin, if you choose to look at yourself like that, you wind up like that... Don't go that route... Turn around and dont get lost in the forest...
 :)

Love

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2006, 11:30:50 PM »

well, maybe I should qualify my commet: what do you miss but know it really isn't worth missing.....

Offline CalvinC

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2006, 11:31:44 PM »

Sex.....well, YES and no......

Offline otherplaces

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  • Posts: 398
  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2006, 11:38:23 PM »

My answer to the qualified question for sure would be:

To go out on a Friday with friends, drop all my worries in the world, and to get completely drunk while chain smoking.

I know that's quite a dead end, but I do miss it. I guess I feel like I'll never have another day w/o worry. That's the problem.

But yes, sdgirl....sex. I haven't had sex since I was infected 11 months ago. But I believe I'll find someone to have sex with at some point in the future. And what a grand day it will be!!!:)

brian

Offline CalvinC

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2006, 11:48:19 PM »

There, I just changed the title of the thread to reflect what I really meant.....  A.

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2006, 11:50:09 PM »
Ok, I think I lost some of my "Serenity", but in time, I think I can get that back.. :)

Offline cubbybear

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  • Joined August 2005.
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2006, 11:58:03 PM »
I miss not being able to say to someone that I am HIV negative.  I miss the feeling of not having a positive diagnosis hanging over my head like a sword of damocles, ready to sever a new relationship.  I need to get over that and let it go, but I cant.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2006, 10:03:58 AM by cubbybear »
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline livingpositively

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  • Posts: 369
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2006, 12:01:57 AM »
Ignorance and naivite.  Not that those are bad things to have to let go of.  It is somewhat shameful that I really just buried my head in the sand where HIV is/was concerned.  Sometimes it takes a real swift kick in the ass to affect change.  I think I have received that kick.
4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline allopathicholistic

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  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2006, 01:11:44 AM »
I miss not being able to say to someone that I am HIV negative. 

Ditto - BUT I remember prior to 2000 I told 2 cuties that I was HIV negative ..however they didn't perk up and say "I'm negative too!" (If my memory is intact they said nothing)

They vanished without explanation. Oh well.

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2006, 06:43:41 AM »
I miss him because he was part of me and lead me to where I am today, for good and ill. But I'm changing, and he's being left behind.

To answer your question Andrew: I had to let go of self-defeating behaviours (among other things), and I don't want them back either.

Funny thing,  but the old me is still here ... only different. I think I like the new me better. I've grown by leaps and bounds since testing positive, mostly because I worked at it.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Cliff

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2006, 07:20:47 AM »
I have to let go of the shame and guilt.  I've gotten much better about it, but it still rears its ugly head every now and then.  I suppose it's just me trying to have a self-pity party.  Those are never helpful.

So we just keep moving forward, yes!!!  Onwards and upwards, whatever that means.   :)

Offline Jena

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  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2006, 08:14:14 AM »
I think the hardest thing for me is  the feeling of being " invincible" by that I mean, before becoming aware that I was positive  I never thought much about death, or dying or  when or how it was going to happen, but now its always there, sometimes in the forefront of my mind, sometimes  way back there somewhere, but always there...
 Also another thing I had to " give up" was the dream that "that guy" would someday realize he wanted me more than her... now I know he won't and I'm not wasting any more  time or tears on him, I can't afford too and  theres too many fish in the sea anyway!  ;D

Offline Sky

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    • Myspace
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2006, 12:34:52 PM »
Ignorance and naivite.  Not that those are bad things to have to let go of.  It is somewhat shameful that I really just buried my head in the sand where HIV is/was concerned.  Sometimes it takes a real swift kick in the ass to affect change.  I think I have received that kick.
Right there with ya! 
Poz since 2003.

Offline angels4kelly

  • Member
  • Posts: 305
  • IT JUST IS!!.....OKAY!
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2006, 03:01:51 PM »
I've had to give up a couple self-destructive behaviors that seemed awfully fun at the time,
but it really is for the best that I gave them up.
I just really miss my care-free self.
Now when I meet new people I feel like I have a secret and that I am different from them.
I really hate this feeling!  :'(
Peace,
Kelly  :)
POSITIVE SINCE-10/1990
CD4-610
CD4%-29.3
VL-UNDETECTABLE
VIREAD,VIRACEPT, EPZICOM

MOST RECENT...
10/9/2006
CD4's-714
CD4%-30%
VL-Undetectable
DIAGNOSES POSITIVE 10/90
SAME MEDS, VIREAD, VIRAMUNE, EPZICOM.

SHOOT FOR THE MOON! YOU MAY MISS,
BUT YOU'LL LAND IN THE STARS :)

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
 
Failure is not in falling down,
but the staying down

Offline naftalim

  • Member
  • Posts: 102
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you miss most?
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2006, 07:32:35 PM »
Ditto, or at least unprotected sex. More so, seeing attractive women every day, and knowing that I cant even begin to go there. Women that flirt with me and knowing that I cant even allow it to get into a conversation.

I guess I should be thankful that it happened at age 50 and not in my youth. I know 2 women who were infected in their early 20s, so that must be very very tough.


SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline rocket

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2006, 08:12:10 PM »
I miss not being able to buy hand raised pet rats.I always looked forward to seeing them when I got home from work.never had to take them for walks in the winter,they were just like puppies though.I hate the fact I cant have rats anymore,thats just one of many things.

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2006, 10:07:35 PM »
Do I miss intimacy? yes! But, I'm also an optimist and envision that, eventually, I will meet someone. So, as CalvinC rephrased, what I miss that is not really worth missing is that I can no longer donate blood; make apheresis donations or read ORGAN DONOR on my driver's license.

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2006, 10:33:48 PM »
The relationship I had with my siblings...An older sister and a younger brother. 
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline kiki06

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  • Posts: 17
  • Member since June 2006
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2006, 11:18:17 PM »
I think for me it would be that care-freeness (is that a word), I always took for granted that I'd grow up, get married, and have children and see my grandchildren, etc... Now that's no longer a "sure bet" (although I do realiize that no body has that sure thing really). I do, however, have the belief that I WILL see my son grow up because of how far things have come, in 1996 at diagnosis, I wasn't so sure I'd ever have a child let alone see one grow up.

I, too, feel like a secret that I hide and really it SUCKS.
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
           Mother Teresa

Offline JohnOso

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2006, 04:07:56 AM »
Hmmm...maybe I was a bit too carefree before diagnosis.  I'd like to think i've focused on things more, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that my family and friends will always think of me, and in the very next millisecond think "AIDS."  I think that will pass with time though.

It'll have to -- a person could go crazy thinking like that, lol.    ;)


Offline kcmetroman

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2006, 03:18:39 PM »
Simple answer........Shame..

Offline Basquo

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2006, 04:57:26 PM »
My ex.

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #24 on: July 04, 2006, 11:07:58 PM »
Dear Andrew,

I can't for the life of me think of ONE thing, I was able to keep.  I gave it all and got nothing back, only a fool gives a heart like that...
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org

Offline sweetasmeli

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  • Love what you are...
Re: Since diagnosis, what ONE thing do you know you have to let go of?
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2006, 05:08:51 PM »
Making love freely without a condom.

Don't get me wrong.
I was never promiscuous and never had unprotected sex outside of a long-term relationship.

But knowing that I will never ever experience that ultimate intimacy again...well, it really makes me cry. :'( 
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

 


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