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Author Topic: Hi I'm New  (Read 5494 times)

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Offline Imasurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Hi I'm New
« on: August 13, 2007, 11:53:33 PM »
Hi

I tested positive in 1998 during my fourth month of pregnancy. I knew it was a possibility even then because I was involved with a guy who was rumored to have been positive when I was 17 years old.  That means I have been HIV+ for my entire adult life, I am now 30.  I recent got married to a man who I have been involved with for over 7 years, but I can't seem to tell him of my status.  I hate myself for being so weak and for putting another persons life at risk.  My 2 kids keep me going but I think maybe I would be better off dead because of what I have done.  I told my close family (mum and 2 sisters) 4 years ago because I started to get sick.  I started taking meds soon after that and I seem fine now, but the guilt, I can't take it anymore, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I need to let him know, but after waiting so long it just gets harder.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2007, 12:36:51 AM »
Hi and welcome to the Forums....Wow, seems you've got quite a situation on your hands.  I don't mean to be so short in my reply, but it seems that you HAVE to tell your husband.  You're right, after waiting so long, it gets harder.  Can you imagine living any longer with this secret?  You owe it yourself and your husband to be honest and tell the truth!  You recently got married and haven't told this man of your status?  I can almost say that you have no choice but to do so.  That is my opinion, but so many other things come into play.  Are you going to have protected sex with your husband for the rest of your lives?  That would raise some suspicion.  And how are your kids?  Have they been tested as well?  I would highly recommend going to see a counselor alone, and sorting out your thoughts.  In my opinion, you really need to take care of this situation now, before it gets any worse than it already is.

I feel for you and I am sorry, but I think you know what the answer is here.... Moderators, any help?  I don't feel "qualified" to say much more.  I am all about being up front and honest.....

Best of luck~

~Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline BT65

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Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2007, 06:27:27 AM »
Wow!  I totally agree with Cin.  You have to and need to tell your husband asap.  I know the fear of rejection, but the legal consequences are probably much worse.  Please, see a counselor and get some answers.  Maybe it would be possible to tell your husband in the counselor's office.  That way you wouldn't be alone when you tell him.  But please tell him, and soon!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Imasurvivor

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  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2007, 07:20:53 AM »
I want so much to be able to tell him but I feel as though I have dug myself into this dark hole and I can't find my way back out.  I don't even talk to doctors, I feel so alone in everything that for so long it was best to pretend that it wasn't happening to me.  My family never mentions it, it's like a taboo subject.

Both my kids are negative and doing very well.  I just need to find the courage to talk to someone, and I know that my husband needs to know, I've tried on so many occasions, I wrote him a letter once, and I told him the rumors were true (and boy they were rumors all over the place) but he never asked me about it.  I take my meds in front of him, he never asks anything, I just can't get those words to come out, and I realise that dropping hints don't seem to work and I need to be straightforward, but its the hardest thing.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2007, 08:47:04 AM »
you really must tell him.

Besides the physical health issues this infection also fucks up my mind (fear, depression, lack of concentration). That is something nobody deserves. If you were my wife and I'd find out that I'm infected it really would hurt me a lot. There's still a chance he's negative. The longer you wait...

I wish you lots of strength,
Zeb

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2007, 09:05:45 AM »
I don't even talk to doctors, I feel so alone in everything that for so long it was best to pretend that it wasn't happening to me.

Hmm. I pity you, but that's the last thing you need right now.

He is your husband and he might forgive you now, but if he becomes infected too that chance might vanish.

If you continue to pretend about this, then you are inviting danger into both your lives. This is not a game. The time for telling him is now.

Take a deep breath and get it over with is my suggestion. You can do this.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Imasurvivor

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  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2007, 10:45:46 AM »
The more I think about telling the more I freeze, I can't even look him in the face now.  I sent him an email listing the meds I'm on and asked him to look them up, then let's talk, I know that might be the coward's way out but you can't imagine how hard this is for me.  All sorts of things are going through my mind, what he might do, how he will react and I get so nervous.  I've always tried to be strong but now all my strength is gone and I just want to get this over with the best way that I can.  I pray that he is negative, I don't know if I can live with this if he isn't.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Dan J.

  • Guest
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2007, 11:23:16 AM »
Wow,  You have kept this from your husband for 7 years? I can't imagine  the burden that you have been carrying all this time.  I hope you gain the strength to discuss this with him & that he is understanding & supportive after you tell him.

I wish you the best possible outcome,

Dan

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2007, 11:36:05 AM »
Well  . . .

Of course it's not easy  . . .  for any of us to disclose. The point is that your partner has the right to know about this. E-mail, a megaphone, a carrier pigeon, whatever it takes.

And of course you could live with it if he tested positive. You just feel like you couldn't right now because you've let this get out of perspective.

Wishing you all the courage in the world,

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline mjmel

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Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2007, 12:13:09 PM »
Now, now. Don't get dramatic about it. Just tell him. It's the right thing to do, yes?
HELP YOURSELF: Closure on the thing left undone.
Welcome to the forum.
Mike

Offline koksi

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2007, 12:22:36 PM »
I agree with everyone here that it is important for you to tell your husband right away.  This is going to be really difficult, so the question might be how best to overcome the fear and the anxiety?  I know this may sound lame, but maybe you can write him a letter and hand it to him?  Something like that might help to get the words out.
seroconversion in March of 2006
positive test May 2006

10/2013: Undetectable, CD4 1000
2009:  Began Atripla

10/2007:  VL 2,300 // no CD4 numbers! :-(
09/2007:  Begin Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
08/2007:  VL 824,000 // CD4 344 // 21%
06/2007:  VL 326,000 // CD4 351 // 17%
04/2007:  VL 410,000 // CD4 242 // 26%
06/2006:  VL 444,893 // CD4 479 // 21%
05/2006:  VL >500K    // CD4 402 // 17%

Offline Imasurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2007, 06:48:55 PM »
He read my email and he wanted to talk.  Wanted answers that I didn't seem able to give.  All I could say was "you need to get tested" I couldn't say anything else, I just looked at him.  He said he had heard rumors but he never believed and now he's just shocked.  Don't know where we go from here but I felt a strength come over me that I hadn't felt since I made the decision to tell him.  I pray that he is negative, but I know that regardless of the outcome, things will not be the same, maybe better, maybe not, but I need to remain strong regardless.

I also finally told my best friend of 19 years.  She was shocked, she cried and she helped encourage me to tell him, she said she'd be by my side to help me deal with whatever comes.

Now my next hurdle is waiting on my husband's results.  Keep him in your prayers. 

I just want to thank everybody for encouraging me and ........ just thanks, it's good to have people who understand what I am going through.

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline pozguy75

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    • POZitively Speaking
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2007, 06:57:58 PM »
Hello Ima-

Welcome to the forums...and also, your husband is more than welcome here even if he tests negative, which I pray he does!

It took a great deal of courage to do what you did, and I commend you for that...just remember one thing, it gets easier and easier...

Again, welcome!
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

Offline IzPoz

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  • Posts: 332
  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2007, 07:23:27 PM »
Well the cat's out of the bag, all you can do is hope and pray for the best.

I certainly hope that all this time you have been with him, you guys have used protection, each and every time. This will reduce his risk even further.

Regardless of the outcome, I am sure the lesson is learned. Be up front and honest, because eventually, the lie comes back to bite you in the ass and it might take a chunk out that you kinda need to sit on.

Good luck with this. I only hope for the best.
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2007, 06:44:17 AM »
Good for you, Imasurvivor!

Here's praying for the best possible outcome.

You are fortunate to have a best friend who offers you that kind of support. Friendships like that are a real blessing!

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2007, 10:07:49 AM »
"Two things one cannot hide- poverty and illness "
                    Honore De Balzac
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline catwoman

  • Member
  • Posts: 111
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2007, 10:44:09 AM »
I'm so glad you have released that burden.  Do you have any spiritual base because you are going to need to pull on that now to help you out.  I have a feeling your husband always knew but he was in denial himself.  I can't see how he would hear rumors, see you taking meds and not question it, and all this after you had fallen ill.  I think he knew and he had trouble coming to terms with that.  That might make the talking a little easier.  It sounds like he really loves you.

Offline kellyspoppi

  • Member
  • Posts: 153
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2007, 01:06:38 PM »
imasurvivor,

i'm still not sure the question was answered raised by both moonlight and IZPOZ.

HAVE YOU BEEN USING PROTECTION while keeping this secret between you and your husband?

kellyspoppi

 

Offline Ann

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  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #18 on: August 15, 2007, 02:15:33 PM »
Hi Ima,

You're assuming that you were infected by the person you were with when you were seventeen, but how can you be so sure? Rumours aren't necessarily true. How can you be sure it wasn't the father(s) of your two children? How can you be sure it wasn't the man you married? Lots of people keep secrets, as you know yourself.

I hope things work out well for you and your husband - kids too.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Imasurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2007, 06:51:50 PM »
I remember when I was with this guy I had a huge swelling in my groin area as well as what I thought was the flu.  I think I read somewhere that those are the symptoms when u become infected.  I never went for a test, I really thought nothing of it at the time, until i got pregnant 4 years later and HIV test was one of the tests that you got.  My second child was somewhat of an accident, we where in fact using condoms but one night it came off and a few months later i found out I was pregnant.

I remember being in the delivery room with my second child, I was actually pushing her out and a nurse was there cussing me telling me I deserved to be locked away from regular people and how many men I intended on going through.  She just stood there never touched me until I had pushed the baby out then she took her away for hours before I ever saw her, I was left there soaked in my blood all that time, and I thought to myself if a professional can treat me like this how would an average person treat me.  I think I sank deeper into a shell then, I never talk to doctors or anybody until now.  I am not looking for excuses and I know what I did was wrong by not informing a partner of my status but I just couldn't seem to speak the words.  There are many people here where I live who don't mention their status because of the discrimination even from medical people.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline AustinWesley

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    • HIV Discussion Group on Myspace!
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #20 on: August 15, 2007, 08:30:08 PM »
I remember when I was with this guy I had a huge swelling in my groin area as well as what I thought was the flu.  I think I read somewhere that those are the symptoms when u become infected.  I never went for a test, I really thought nothing of it at the time, until i got pregnant 4 years later and HIV test was one of the tests that you got.  My second child was somewhat of an accident, we where in fact using condoms but one night it came off and a few months later i found out I was pregnant.

I remember being in the delivery room with my second child, I was actually pushing her out and a nurse was there cussing me telling me I deserved to be locked away from regular people and how many men I intended on going through.  She just stood there never touched me until I had pushed the baby out then she took her away for hours before I ever saw her, I was left there soaked in my blood all that time, and I thought to myself if a professional can treat me like this how would an average person treat me.  I think I sank deeper into a shell then, I never talk to doctors or anybody until now.  I am not looking for excuses and I know what I did was wrong by not informing a partner of my status but I just couldn't seem to speak the words.  There are many people here where I live who don't mention their status because of the discrimination even from medical people.

There are a couple things I don't understand here about your story.

1)  You found out a few months later that you were pregnant?   How does that happen? 

2)  During this child birth you had delivered natural birth?   They didn't suggest a C Section?

Just curious?

Good luck with all of this.  I hope it does work out.

« Last Edit: August 15, 2007, 09:27:06 PM by AustinWesley »
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline Imasurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2007, 09:29:09 PM »
Sorry that months should be weeks, when I would have missed my period.

No they never give C sections unless there are complications with the delivery, it's not offered.  They give AZT during pregnancy and an IV drip during delivery.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2007, 09:29:27 PM »
I remember being in the delivery room with my second child, I was actually pushing her out and a nurse was there cussing me telling me I deserved to be locked away from regular people and how many men I intended on going through.  She just stood there never touched me until I had pushed the baby out then she took her away for hours before I ever saw her, I was left there soaked in my blood all that time, and I thought to myself if a professional can treat me like this how would an average person treat me.  I think I sank deeper into a shell then, I never talk to doctors or anybody until now.  I am not looking for excuses and I know what I did was wrong by not informing a partner of my status but I just couldn't seem to speak the words.  There are many people here where I live who don't mention their status because of the discrimination even from medical people.

Honey, if it were me on that delivery bed--I would have somehow found the strength to reach up and backhand that bitch of a nurse. Yes, indeed.
You are naive to think that professionals can't be self-righteous, judgemental types. They are just regular people with degrees. Some are extraordinary. Others not so much.

Mike

Offline DCGUY2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #23 on: August 16, 2007, 03:42:20 AM »
Imasurvivor I agree with "moonlight" you have to tell your husband. It will be hard but you will feel so much better afterwards. Right now it is driving you crazy.

Offline Imasurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2007, 04:38:57 PM »
Now I don't know what to do.  My husbands keeps talking about dying, he actually asked me how much longer I think I have to live.  He doesn't seem interested in going for a test.  I really don't know what to tell him.  He sat and cried a whole day, then he just followed me whereever I went, even to the bathroom, and all he does is stares at me as though he thinks that I am going to drop dead any minute.  What do I say to him?  He's getting very depressed it seems and so am I, I told him that God NEVER places more on a man than he can bear, and he told me that it is just an excuse and because I have accepted it doesn't mean he can.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #25 on: August 16, 2007, 06:29:04 PM »
Ima,

It's good that you've told your husband. Now that you have the whole disclosure issue is an irrelevance.

It's probably time that you and he sought some counseling about this.  Whilst, I understand that you have strong faith it's probably not going to be enough to get both of you through this.

Seriously, seek some professional help.

MtD

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #26 on: August 16, 2007, 06:40:59 PM »
Ima and Hubby~

I'm not a doctor, but I AM a firm believer that you can live your life with HIV as a chronic condition.  I have been diabetic since age 11 and a doctor once told me that diabetes would become more troublesome than HIV.  Looking at the past 13+ years since my diagnosis, I'd have to say I agree with her.  I know this is a very difficult time for the two of you right now, but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.  Really.  Get your husband on this website, get both of yourselves to an ID doc and make sure you take your meds regularly if thats what the doctor prescribes!  Others may disagree, but I feel that you DO NOT have to die from this virus. 

I feel that I am living proof that you can survive.  I have never been hospitalized and I have been dealing with juvenile diabetes and HIV together, among other things.  Also, I'm dealing with the loss of a husband (11 yrs now) because he didn't take his meds back in the late 80s and early 90s when the doc said he should.

You guys have a fighting chance, you have children to think about and most of all ....
you have each other.  Fight this virus like thousands of us are doing.  Not everyone has access to healthcare.  If you do have healthcare, get some counseling and make your docs appts together.

~Cindy
« Last Edit: August 16, 2007, 06:44:59 PM by MOONLIGHT1114 »
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline gpete

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #27 on: August 16, 2007, 10:11:04 PM »
Ima,  UR name here says alot!  U've taken some very bold, brave steps these last couple of days according to your story.   But they are steps that U've needed to take and I hope U feel better now!   Try to be to ur husband what u've needed for urself and I'll bet it'll help make U a stronger better person in the process!  All of us probably had the same questions & insecurities he now has.   Hopefully he will be neg but better yet,  now U can be a more "WHOLE" person to him now that he knows.   HIV is NOT a death sentence any longer IF we attempt to take care of ourselves,  take our meds (properly)& keep our doctor appts.   I've "known" I've been poz 20+ years,  however it was not until about 4 years ago that I went to the doc & started meds.  I've been much more fortunate than many but all those years of NOT dealing, were not nearly as good as these since I've faced HIV somewhat head on.  I'm not preachin' to ya here but trying to encourage U as well as your hubby to seek prof help,  keep ur doc appts,  keep taking ur meds and be GOOD to each other!  I'd also like to rec comend a meditation book that I like to start each day with "The Color of Light" by Perry Tillerass.  It's the most POWERFUL little book that I've ever read.   I've shared multiple copies with family, friends some poz & some not.  EVERYONE (who reads it) has thanked me for sharing it.  HIV is NO longer a death sentence as it once was.  However we ALL need to be better to ourselves than I've been to myself in my past.   This little book helps me start my day in a POSITIVE way.  Often I may not get it's message with my 1st reading,  but more often than not by noon I will see or hear something that helps me remember it's message.   Now that U have shared UR situation with UR hubby the 2 of U can be more on the same page.   U will be able to be a more WHOLE person to him as well as UR children, family & friends whether they know of UR status or not.   I got my book from bn.com (used book section) for less than $3.  I feel it applies to ALL of us poz or not,  we can substitute HIV for any other illness that we may be facing and it's message is the same.    LOVE URSELF,  LOVE UR HUBBY,  LOVE UR KIDS,  LOVE UR FRIENDS & FAMILY & U will be AMAZED at the LOVE that will come back to U!     Keep thinkin' the GOOD thoughts.....

Offline Imasurvivor

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Re: Hi I'm New
« Reply #28 on: August 16, 2007, 10:33:04 PM »
Hi guys, thanks for the advice and we definitely need some counselling, which will be another big step for me with my issues talking to anyone including "professionals" but right now I know there's no choice, I know that it's not a death sentence but getting him to understand that will not be easy.  I have never been really counselled and the first step will be the hardest most likely.  Will make the call ..........soon. 

Right now we are under storm warning here in the Caribbean.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

05/22/2008 CD4 908 % 31.1 VL<40

 


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