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20 and starting to have questions...


Hi.  Like I mentioned in my first thread, I am 20 and tested positive two weeks ago.  I am starting to have questions...
Like is there a day that goes by that you don't think about it?  Is there anything for the pain when you tell your boyfriend and he leaves?  Do you continue to date; what if you gave it to someone- how horrible you would feel.  How long do I have?  My levels were good, but not great--how fast do they fall?  Do you drop everything and tour the world...find a list of the best 200 authors and read all their books...tan everyday and fuck cancer...smoke and out and be as healthy as possible...tell people and inform...keep silent and i ever have sex the brain fog that my antidepressant gives me going to go my mom going to have to bury her i never going to have it ok to cry...


all those questions have been going through my head after diagnosis, they are perfectly normal questions. You will think "hiv" every second of your day, as soon as you wake up, but trust me, this stops. For me it lasted two weeks, for others it's a shorter or a longer period. It stopped when I went on vacation to see friends because they got me distracted. I can tell you that when you stop thinking about it as something that will ruin your life and switch to thinking about it as something that you will control and will NOT ruin your life, your future feels a lot more joyous :)

All of your questions have already been answered in those forums. Take a deep breath, and read what has been said before. You will recognize your fears in other's first posts, and see how they regain control of the situation. It's not easy, but it is totally possible.

Avoid scouring the internet for answers, this is the worst thing to do, because you will find what you want to hear, not the reality of living with hiv, which certainly does not have to mean thinking about death and horrible things every minute.


I am only 21, so I am in a your age group.

"Like is there a day that goes by that you don't think about it?"

I would suppose eventually, yes, but not for a long time.

"Is there anything for the pain when you tell your boyfriend and he leaves?"

No. The same thing happened to me. Just try to realise that you were better off without the person anyway. My ex said to me "I don't think I could be with you because I don't like to use condoms".... where exactly was that relationship going to go anyway if that was reason enough to end it? Not very far.
You could also Rear End the Bastard's car and drive away. Not saying I did this, but it certainly crossed my mind on an occassion or two or three or a lot.

"Do you continue to date; what if you gave it to someone- how horrible you would feel?"

Yes. I don't think I would be in a relationship with someone unless they understood all the risks involved in it. I would therefore not feel bad because they made an informed decision.

"How long do I have?"

The doctors, and the scientific data, say you've got quite a long time. I found out not too long ago, too, and I had a CD4 count of 68, which means I had progressed to "AIDS". Everyone who I have spoken to, my neurologist, my two infectious disease specialists, and my primary care physician, all say that I am not going to die of any sort of disease any time soon.
They are all in agreement, though, that my level of stress will kill me before anything else does. Whether I am HIV+ or not.

Try to take things easy. Make sure you are sleeping right, and eating right. Those two will atleast help to ensure that you are thinking clearly and best prepared to make decisions for yourself. It is very hard to see the forest through the tress when you haven't sleepen or eaten very much in a while.

I have a lot of the same questions you have asked. I won't tell you I am sorry for what happened, because it won't help anything. Just keep your head up and keep on moving. PM me if you like. Sorry I am being short. It's 5 am (almost) and I am trying to make myself sleepy.

@ paragon

This place is excellent for asking questions. But you can also ask the experts on I know how you feel, yes this feeling sucks. But some folks tell me that hiv is more a mindfucker instead of a killing disease when you have access to treatment care (and thank god you seem to have access).
I really had images of this disease like Angels in America. Not that it's a 'piece of cake disease' now. But it seems that the vast majority of folks living with it do fine. Take care Paragon.

@ jamie

Yeah, this stress sucks. But the words of your docs are encouraging. Take care!

zeb, for your information there are more people on AIDSMEDS with HIV than there are at the body and might I say with more experience.


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