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AlanBama:
Hi Bear

I have used the Caverject for many years, when I needed to.   They also make a version that is not injected, but it's these little pellets you put down into the urethra.....personally, I couldn't do that, it burned too much....the needles are not pleasant, but it's all in how far you are willing to go......I was desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures.   It does work, incredible stuff actually.   It's very expensive though.

Has he tried Levitra?   It works well for me also.

Alan

Joe K:
Hey Bear,

I'm not sure but you seem to be asking how partners maintain a sex life, even when one has problems "performing."  Been there done that, many times.  It would seem that you need to redefine your love life and if at first, it means you start the action, then fine, as long as he agrees that when you start it, he joins right in.  But somehow I don't think the "mechanics" are the issue here, but rather your relationship.

As I read your posts I sense a feeling of loss, on your part and I'm not sure what you feel you have lost.  You make light of having sex so infrequently and I have to wonder, do you allow that disdain to be evident to your partner?  From my perspective, unless my partner is doing something that causes this inability, then this remains a problem for "us" because lovemaking takes two.  I would never ever refer to a lack of sex with a partner in such a cavalier manner.  I find it demeaning and actually quite cruel.

Put yourself in his place and try to understand his frustration.  Don't you think he might love to ravage you, but obviously he has limitations, so what would you have him do?  You've discussed this situation, he's tried a number of things, that for whatever reason, did not work.  So this is your reality and now you must make the choice of how to deal with this issue.

I assume there are other reasons that have kept you together, so play on those and find other ways to be intimate, even without sexual play.  I think you need to rekindle your love and stop dwelling on what you can't do and work at what you can.  If you redefine the expectations, so that nobody feels pressured to "perform", you can work at your own pace to rebuild a satisfying sex life.

Stop worrying about looking for what you have lost and work at improving what it is you have.

bear60:
Killfoile...........Thank you for the insights...sometimes it takes someone like you to put it "in perspective" and I appreciate that.
Its been a while since my partner and I WORKED out any problems but it seems this is one we need to work on.  We went to a counselor for couples counseling some years ago.
Its kind of hard to be angry at HIV. But I am. I am angry that HIV has made our (his and mine) lives different, or has but obstacles in our way.  I am not angry at him and I love him very much. I dont joke about this with him...and I joke because its so painful that either I joke or cry. Tears or jokes...jokes or tears.
 I am asking you guys to help me ( as if we were sitting in a support group circle) to figure out some way to make the situation better.  I am sure someone has some experience with this sort of problem in a relationship.  If you have" been there done that"  Killfoile....I would appreciate any insight into how YOU dealt with the situation.
He and I have been together long enough to be able to work on this problem....I need to get to the point I can do that. I do feel a loss.... our relationship has changed and I am having a hard time accepting that.

"If you redefine the expectations, so that nobody feels pressured to "perform", you can work at your own pace to rebuild a satisfying sex life." quote......
Thats good advice.

bear60:
Thanks Alan

we will discuss this.  I am sure we will be fine.  We both have the will to go on.

Joe K:
Hey Bear,

Thanks for the clarifications and please realize that I am sharing my thoughts and not accusing you of anything.  This issue has a few angles to it, so let's just pick one and get started.

You mention you are angry at HIV and so you need to process that anger, understand it and then be rid of it.  I have found that sometimes it is very easy to "project" our anger at someone else, because we need to vent it somewhere.  But focusing on the wrong target, solves nothing.  So my only advice to you is you need to address this anger and do it now.  Whether it be through meditation, therapy or whatever, you must rid yourself of this anger and re-channel that energy into redefining your intimate relationship.

Other things that I find helpful vary, so I'll just toss out some ideas and do with them what you will.

To start, you might want to share with your partner, what you have shared here.  Try phrasing the issue in terms of how it affects you both, rather than "why" the problem exists.  The real problem here is a lack of intimacy and your feeling a sense of loss, both perfectly normal reactions and personally, the fact that you want to work on this, speaks volumes about your character.  Tell him what he means to you and how you lament the loss of intimacy.  Share your anger with him, how HIV has diminished parts of your life and then tell him that you are re-channeling that anger into working to enhance your relationship.

You know your guy better than anyone.  You know what he likes, what gets him excited, so capitalize on that and plan activities that you both will enjoy, but that are fairly intimate.  A picnic, a long walk, or just cuddling are all ways to spend some time alone and really reconnect.  Plan dates with each other and KEEP THEM.  This problem won't disappear, so stop worrying about it and do something.  Make time together PARAMOUNT and if you must, schedule your life around it.  Joins groups or go to events that you both enjoy, just to spend time together.  After all, aren't you two worth it?

You might also want to reassess your bedroom, because that should be a place that invites intimacy, so make it so.  Pitch the TV or cover it with something.  Get some candles or scented oils to burn, maybe some massage oils and anything else that will help to set the mood.  (We found this really great glove that vibrates and it's possibilities seem to be endless).  If you don't want candles, then cover your lamps with a light covering to mute and diffuse the light.  Pick some music that promotes intimacy and is meaningful to you both.  The whole goal here is to create a space what screams "THIS SPACE IS OURS ALONE".

Once you set the mood, then explore new things that stimulate you both and find ways to be intimate that work for you.  It may involve sex toys or whatever, the point is, you find what works for you.  Role playing can be a great way to throw some real zing into your life.  Try picking up your guy at a local bar and then take him home and ravage him.  Or just cuddle and explore your bodies and let nature do her work.

Bear, your partner is a lucky man, because not all partners would care enough to work at enhancing their relationship.  Yet, your best ally, remains your husband.  You guys need to talk, honestly, without placing blame, but rather agreeing to work on this together.  Surely he has ideas, but I would guess what scares him most is that maybe you are losing feelings for him.  You know how to take care of this part, so just do it.

You two have an opportunity to take your relationship to the next level and I know you will do it.  I hope my ideas will help you both in moving forward.  Your guy is very lucky to have someone like you and you can tell him I said that, because not everyone is willing to work hard for what they want.

The simple fact that you came here and shared these intimate details confirms your commitment to making this work.

You know what you want and need, so pitch the old ideas and redefine what works for you.  As long as you have love, as your guiding force, you won't go wrong.

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