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Author Topic: Excuse  (Read 1364 times)

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Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Excuse
« on: August 06, 2007, 06:00:51 AM »
I cannot reveal the real nature of my illness because of a great stigma and a safety of my family ( wife & children )...........
So what should I say when everybody ask me why I do not work any more and why I am withdrawing  from society ?
( the real thing is that I`m scared of potential revealing of the truth , and the Sustiva is giving me a hard time so I cannot do some really complicated nginnering calculations anymore...........and here we do not have as a patients to many options to switch ...........so I`m hanging to Sustiva)
If I say cancer it would be obvious soon that it is not so........
Diabetes  as a excuse is also under question.........................
And I hate to lie ( every single word that I`ve had spoken here was the truth ) but I have to do this for my family..................
For instance we are going next weekiend to F&M in low.........
What I could tell them ? ( saying " mind your own bussines" would have a negative further influence to my wife ............)
Any advices ( because I have trust in you people  :) )?
« Last Edit: August 06, 2007, 06:16:55 AM by SASA39 »
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline sweetasmeli

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,052
  • Love what you are...
Re: Excuse
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2007, 07:40:02 AM »
Al, who is the "everybody" that you mention who is asking you why you're not working etc? Your wife knows why. Who else NEEDS to know?

There doesn't have to be a huge air of mystique and drama around you not working. I really don't get people and their automatic assumption that they should be knowing anything and everything about everyone's comings and goings. Sheesh!

Before I was totally open about my HIV status and people used to ask me how I managed financially without working, I used to just wink at them and say: Oh, I have my ways...;). I never lied; I just didn't say anything. As time went on and my confidence and outlook changed I told people as and when I felt ready.

You don't have to be rude by blatantly telling folk to "mind their own business" (even though that is EXACTLY what they should in fact be doing!). There are diplomatic ways of telling people that you don't wish to discuss it. If they respect you they will accept what you tell them. If they don't, well Al, are they really worth the time of day anyway then?

As you are clearly not ready to disclose about your status then you will have to find a way of living comfortably with not disclosing. And as you have obviously decided to keep this between you and your wife for the time being, then just do that. Why do you have to make stuff up for the sake of other people? As far as others are concerned, unless you're about to have unprotected sex with them or are suddenly caught up in a high-risk situation, you don't actually owe anyone any explanations about your HIV status.

Unless of course its an authority that you're trying to get money from for not working. And in that case, I'd advocate complete honesty...but that's just me.

Melia
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: Excuse
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2007, 07:59:35 AM »
;D
I just knew that you was going to answer that way..........
And   a friendly :-* because of that..............
But you see it is not so simple :
My M&F in low are before all things concerned about their daughter - for them " I was  a  father of their granddaughters " so I assume correctly that they would be questioning me until the Judgment Day..............and never be satisfied with an answer.......and for the others , huh , you know what are neighbours are ( false care , you have witness it in Greece ) , so I have to make up a story for them too..........otherwise they would presume the worse as usuall in their rumors..........
So the only reason for me to post that post was to find some sensible story to get them all of my back and to protect the innocent

edited for typos
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,954
Re: Excuse
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2007, 08:09:22 AM »
Is there any reason why you can't work? Are you too ill to work? It is human nature for friends and neighbors and family to wonder why a grown man and father doesn't work. Maybe you might tell them, " I am looking for work but I haven't been able to find anything." That excuse might buy you some time while you come to terms with your HIV. HIV and human nature can force us to make choices that before we thought unthinkable. Isolating in your room is not going to stop tongues from wagging.

Good Luck.

Offline SASA39

  • Member
  • Posts: 690
Re: Excuse
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2007, 08:21:38 AM »
Thanks  friends , I`m just trying to make a lemonade but I`m still short of sugar............ ;)
P.S : Last job was great but it has lead me to hospital : a 60 hours working week.......I was exausted , and for a 43 year old in this country it is a little bit hard to find a new one ..............there are a lot of unemployment gyus younger than me ......beside that my boss has probably forget me after almost a year and I have forgot many things about engineering so far......but I`m trying
Anyway thanks again ..................more people , more oppinions , more solutions , that`s the main reason for the existance of this forum.
                     Al
modify to add
« Last Edit: August 06, 2007, 09:33:10 AM by SASA39 »
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline ALH300

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Some days ur the bug other days ur the windshield!
Re: Excuse
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2007, 11:06:45 AM »
There is another illness called primary immunodeficiency disease. Google it once, its kind of like HIV. I have told some co workers that I have this.
Poz 7-27-07 
First Labs:
07/13/2007 "Friday the 13th" What was I thinking???
314 CD4 17% 9410 VL
10/03/2007
479 CD4 18% 8220 VL
01/03/2008
493 CD4 22.5 % 5900 VL
03/18/2008
432 CD4 14.4 % 11,830 VL
05/06/2008
480 CD4 15.0% 2630 VL
07/16/2008
361 CD4 16.4% 12,830 VL
10/31/2008
362 CD4 15.5% 2500 VL
Started Atripla 11-17-2008
1/16/2009
395 CD4 20.5% undect. VL
5/05/2009
426 CD4 20.3% undect. VL
9/15/2009
422 CD4 22.2% undect. VL

Offline Carolann

  • Member
  • Posts: 233
Re: Excuse
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2007, 12:39:26 PM »
Sasa,

I think that the real issue here is that you are still at a stage where you are letting the diagnosis close your options, and define your fate. I know that there is a lot of stigma in your country, but guess what, there is a lot of stigma everywhere, including here. I do not take issue with you choosing not to disclose. That is your every right. What worries me is that you are shutting down, and not seeming to want to get back into the routine of life, because for most of us with AIDS who have access to treatment, life goes on, even though not perfectly. Who has a perfect life?

Don\'t spend your time worrying about what others are thinking about you. Focus on getting your life back to normal. Energy spent on what people are saying or might say is wasted energy.

I am not minimizing what this diagnosis means, as I have done my share of suffering with this burden. But on the other hand, I know it is not going to be the most painful thing I have to deal with, as I have experienced more pain than this and no doubt will experience more before my final exit.

The thing is that you must, like Dachshund alluded to, find some sort of work. For me, working gives me a sense that I am not so different from everyone else. Not working, feeling productive would cause me more stress and depression than anything, and you know where that leads for anyone, regardless of having AIDS or not.

If you do not like engineering, start thinking of some retraining, or some other avenue. You are a smart, educated guy, and still young. Before you tell me that I am speaking from the self righteous, perspective of an American, in the land of opportunity....Let me tell you that it is getting more and more here that you have to make opportunity and not stumble upon it.

I am now back on med/ sustiva (atripla), and I know my mind is a bit sharper off of it, but alot of the symptoms are also as powerful as I let them be. For me, it is business as usual, as there is no other way but to go on. Yes there have been losses with this disease, but I hope to gain much more. My future is bright yours can be too.

Take Care,

CA


Offline stillsane

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: Excuse
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2007, 04:28:54 PM »
Hi SASA39
I completely sympathise with your problem. It is all too common, stigma is everywhere but much worse in some places than others.  Here are a few suggestions that may help "buy you some time" until you feel stronger. I sometimes think that the stress of trying to "cover up" what is going on is one of the hardest things, it starts to become an obsession, and that stops you from being able to see how your life can really be ok again.

You could say that you are suffering from depression and that is why your behaviour has changed, what the pills are for and why you have to keep going to the doctor. After all, its pretty much true. And even if it is a "white lie", better to do that than to spend your whole life worrying about what people are thinking. You will find that people will accept depression as a reason for all sorts of changes in behaviour. Depression can be brought on by many things, losing your job and not being able to find another one is a perfect reason - and its also true.

When you feel stronger, start looking for new work or thinking about opportunities (you probably cant even imagine that at the moment in your current situation but you will feel better in the future). Perhaps something part time, or a business of your own. Tell people that you wanted to change career to spend more time with your family as your last job was making you depressed because you had to work such long hours (I know that family is seen as one of the most important things in Greece so this is a pretty good excuse too and your mother and father in law should respect that).  Thats plenty of information to keep all the gossips and neighbours satisfied and stop them asking questions.

I went through a depression, related to becoming hiv positive, some time ago, and all I could think about was "what are people saying? how can I explain to my family that I changed my successful job for just working a few days a week? how can I keep something that seems so important a secret?"  I sometimes couldnt think about anything else. But you know what, a year later I didnt even care about things like that, I just told people that I wasnt happy before, that i was depressed and I realised that I had to change my life. They soon stopped asking questions and started thinking "hey, that guy has a good attitude". 

You will be amazed how different you feel about life once you remove all the stress and how having a clear head helps you to see the opportunities that you still have in life.

 


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