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Author Topic: Help partner is heading for trouble  (Read 5130 times)

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Offline JDH266

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Help partner is heading for trouble
« on: July 31, 2007, 09:06:28 AM »
I have been in a wonderful 13 yr relationship,  my partner and i have been making some poor decisions in the last 3 years, I have stopped drugs , i dont drink , and after  contracting sphyllis i no longer want to bareback or do the group sex scene.  I have cleaned myself up  and put myself back on track, but my partner travels a lot for his job ,  and keeps doing the group scene , no condoms , and is in the never ending cycle of urinary tract infections , gonneria , ect...... now  he is on Valtrex for herpes.  I cant seem to reach him on the simple use of a condom.  Says he works hard  and plays  harder.   He is an awsome guy , and i dont want to see him  get  anything else , or get sick.  Any suggesstions  would be appreciated.  He is extremely large in the endowment area , and is on every guys first person to invite  list for  a sex  party  , and he  loves all the attention , guess it makes him feel good , only its absolutely runing  my sex  life due to all  the critters he is picking up at these parties.   Any advice would be appreciated. I have always had a open door policy  as long as he is honest  with me  he is a grown  man  and keep do as he will sexually , but its not too  cute  when he is walking around  with blisters on his penis,  and he is complaining about  his urine  burning  ect......  I am afraid I have lost him to the exciting world of crystal and endless  sex  parties........ james

Offline newbernswiss

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2007, 10:10:19 AM »
 :'(
First let me say I'm proud that you have stopped drinking, and drugs. As for you stopping the group sex thing, I not to sure you have. Even though you may have physically stopped having group sex or many partners, if you still have unprotected sex with your partner you still as you know are at risk for any and everything. For what is worth I cleaned my life up 15 years ago, stopped drinking, drugs, sex with any and everyone. My partner at the time did not. He kept up his horney ways. It got him HIV which turned into AIDS which he died from in 1999. He thought he was all that and enjoyed giving his cock to anyone who wanted it. Of course the booze and drugs clouded his better judgement. Now I still have a little part of him still with me called HIV. My life has moved on for the better.
I wish you well in whatever decisions and choices you make. Good luck ...

Offline redhotmuslbear

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2007, 10:55:34 AM »
JDH,

Like it or not, you cannot control your partner's behavior, whether he's home with you or on the road.  What you can do is set very clear and definite boundaries for yourself regarding sexual risk and the drug use of your intimates.  Those boundaries must come with clear and certain consequences for your partner if they are not respected.

Take protection into your own hands.  Buy female condoms and insert them yourself before penetration.  Put some lube on the outside so it glides well against your rectal lining, and put more lube inside to reduce fritction for your partner.  My enormously endowed insertive partners find them far more appealing and accommodating than Magnums.  You'll also need to clearly state that condom use is not negotiable, as your health is too important to be trusted to another individual.  Your partner can fuck whoever he wants whenever he wants, but no one is going to complicate your life with an STD.

The drugs will be more difficult, I feel safe in saying.  Using the "works hard, plays harder" line suggests to me some enabling of the drug use on your behalf, though.  I work hard, too, but to do so I need to keep a clear and focused mind, not spending hours at night hiding from the non-existent police or popping erectile dysfunction drugs to stay hard enough to plow an insatiable bottom.  Don't make excuses for your partner drug use in any way -- it's threatening your health and his body.  So, if you want the drugs to cease to be an issue, you'll need to either accept them and all of the risks they carry (STDs, his health, domestic violence, legal drama) or set draw a hard line with you on one side and the meth on the other.  If you've got good familial support on drugs (AlAnon, NarcAnon, etc) available in your area, start feeding from it so you can be prepared to take the stand against drugs in the relationship.

Peace,
David

P.S.  Last cocaine and MDMA October 1984.
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
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02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline dixieman

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2007, 11:48:24 AM »
I just want to ask... do you want to live without having numerous diseases? some curable and some that are not... I have a friend who was into barebacking... caught syphilis on more than one occassion... plus several other nasties... along with hiv... today this friend is in a mental facility... his brain is half eaten away... he caught a drug resistant strain and compounded with hiv its not curable... What is your life worth? I'm doing well without my ex who could not control his sex addiction... he's in the final stages of aids in NYC and I'm healthy with a changed life... being hiv+ but, I'm enjoying everyday....

So What is your life worth to you? you have to make a decision...

Offline BT65

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2007, 09:19:11 PM »
Well JDH:
   As far as the sex thing goes, I agree with using female condoms.  But you must insist on them.  As far as the drug thing goes, I've been in recovery since 1989 and I had a long term relationship with a guy who kept relapsing.  What I had to ask myself was "what do you expect" (meaning me, after his first relapse), and "how much pain do you have to be in." 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bear60

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2007, 09:44:30 AM »
Do you feel trapped? Do you think maybe you need counseling?  Have you heard of "enabling"....are you an enabler?  Do you know how to say NO?
You got a lot on your plate, I wish you luck.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2007, 01:05:23 PM »
James,

You have taken a lot of steps to improve your life and health (which you deserve much credit for), but your partner's behavior is counter to this, and endangering you.  That concerns me greatly.  I urge you to take steps to protect your own health proactively when you are with your partner, e.g., female condoms as was suggested above.

You can't make your partner change his behavior.  Only he can.  But you should have a good long talk with him, tell him how his behavior is affecting you, and tell him what you want / expect of him going forward -- which I assume at the least is no more drug use.  Given he is using crystal, he may not want to change his behavior, or be unable to change it.  I would also guess that the communication level between you is not so great right now.

You may have some difficult decisions to make in the future, so enlisting help from your family and friends will be crucial in getting you through this.

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline just_joe

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2007, 02:43:19 AM »
I think it just simply comes down to communication and love. If there is no communication there is no trust and if there's no trust there is no love. Talk to him and be as blunt and candid about how your feeling and let him know that if things don't or won't change that he's going to loose you. If he really loves you he'll want to work through this and seek out the help he needs in order to change and keep your safe and in his life. If not then you have a hard decision to make... "do I stay or do I go." Do what your heart tells you to do and what's right for you. So many times we hear the little voice in ourselves telling us what to do and we choose to ignore it.

Offline mjmel

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2007, 03:16:51 AM »
The last sentence of your post poses a sobering thought, James.
The infections and the meth is a recipe for the situation getting worse.
The size of his cock seems to be directly related to the size of his ego. He persist despite the repeat of infections?
Of course, I can't see into the future or tell you with any certainty what will be.
I just have a good memory of what meth can do to distort ones perceptions. Tunnel vision, of sort.
Good Luck and I hope you are prepared to walk alone if need arises. It would be 'awesome' if he beat this destructive mode and both
of you could be happy survivors. Together.

Mike

Offline Carolann

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2007, 03:59:55 PM »
It seems that you are clear on what you want and what you would rather do without. Your hubby seems to be on a path of self destruction that you may not be able to stop. I know that 13 years is a lot of time, but this should not enter into the equation if you are not happy. People should move on no matter how long they have been together if being together does more harm than good.

You have to ask yourself what is it that you want. Though there are ways to enjoy the free wheeling sexual lifestyle that are less risky, it seems that your hubby is not interested in it. What is at stake here is your sanity and health, as I am sure this puts an undue amount of stress on your life. Stress is something to be avoided by all people, but especially by those with compromised imune systems. He may be awsome, but do you want this stress?

This is not a question of being judgemental, but of surviving or not, as some other members have already pointed out. Working hard is no excuse to destroy our lives or of those we supposedly care about. In the end you may have to give him the ultimatum, not because you do not care about him, but because you care about your future, dreams, and hopes.

You have made some good tough choices, and it seems your good choices must continue. Only you can make the change if he continues to destroy his life, as treatments do stop working when the behavior does not change. The meth must be stopped, no question about that.

Good luck, be strong, and fight for what you want, but know when it is time to move on.

CA

Offline cokaine

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  • I AM THE ORIGINAL DIVA, okaaayy
Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2007, 04:08:33 PM »
Wow, I think your boyfriend will stop when he confronts himself with multiple STDs at the same time along with a side order of anal warts. I remember taking one of my best friend's to the clinic with anal warts, staph infection on his buttock, syphllis and herpes outbreak. Lets just say he did not want to have anymore group sex for the next lifetime. Sorry to say it but he will only stop when he wants to.

Offline poznlongbeach

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2007, 12:00:51 PM »
James-

Been there and done that. I hope it works out better for you than it did for me. I finally had to tell my lover "It's me or the drugs" I really thought he would pick love over meth but that was not the case. I ended up leaving him, our home and took just what would fit in my SUV. I tried to still be a friend. I got the phone calls at all hours, emails about the "tree people" The meth finally made him paranoid he started thinking people were in the trees watching him. He overdosed a year later and died.
And yes we were both HIV+ and now I have AIDS and KS and have to fight this without my lover but I am better off being alone than in a relationship with someone on METH.
Good luck. Do what is best for you.

Tony
My life has been an incredible journey that has been nothing less than one significant truth unfolding onto another. There are no words to describe all I have come to know, and have been guided to know. I have learned that if I humble myself and ask to receive, "life" will provide me with the people and things I need precisely when needed, and usually abundantly more than I am prepared to receive.

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2007, 10:29:58 AM »
James

What does your heart say? What do you want for yourself?
Having grown up in a family of addicts and being familiar with the process of recovery (or not)...
He's obviously not hit rock bottom yet.. Are you prepared to go there with him?
Whatever your decision is, know that it is yours. BE strong. BE loved. Be wonderful,

Blessings

Offline Bucko

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    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2007, 09:14:11 PM »
Personally I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't share my attitude about such important matters as the ones you've brought up. I seems pretty clear to me that you've grown in opposite directions.

I've played with many couples when one or both were partying (although I don't, I remain judgment neutral on the subject). They had their limits all worked about before they even knocked on my door or left shortly thereafter, as I had wish to be involved in partner-drama. It really sound to me as though you need a good, long, frank discussion. You're at very different places in your lives and his lack of boundaries is treading hard on your new-found boundaries. Such an imbalance is unhealthy and will lead to nowhere but greater conflict.

My bottom line? Either get him to agree with your limits, change yours (not recommended) or move on. These are not differences one can live with indefinitely.
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline Iamrick

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #14 on: August 26, 2007, 07:06:49 PM »
James,
  This is really a horrific post for me. This is a very serious issue for the both of you. My partner of 12 years died last year on August 13th and I'm sorry to say it was because of these same exact issues. I was in your shoes for to long and could do nothing about it, except do as you have done and get my self clean which i did and still am. You are most likely not going to be able to change his ways until he does it on his own just as we have. Hopefully, you will not have to go though what I did. You need to do what is best for YOU right now!! The stress he is putting on you is just as bad as if you where doing the same thing he is again. Don't allow him to have that power over you. Insist on a condom when you are together!! I'm sure you love this man very much but you may have to give him up to save yourself. But, be there for him when he needs your support, I was with David and that is something I will never regret. I've had so many struggles through the last year over what i should have done different to have saved David from himself but I know now he made the wrong decisions and there was nothing I could do about it. I wish you well and hope you keep making the right decisions for yourself!!! Rick
Happiness  keeps You Sweet,

Trials keep You  Strong,

Sorrows keep You  Human,

Failures keep You  Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing, 

But Only God/Goddess keeps You Going!


Have a Blessed Day Everyone!! Rick

Offline buca45

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2007, 10:28:39 AM »
I was very saddened to read your letter, which i did quite a few times to look for clues as to which path you should take.
First of all, 13 years is a lot of time to spend with a man. To me it says that you both love each other deeply and that this relationship is salvageable. Just the fact that you are seeking others' advice on which way to go shows us that you retain some hope that things can be done to find a solution.
You state that he works hard and believes he can play hard as well. You also say he is a grown man and is responsible for his own decisions and his own behavior. Therein lies part of the answer.
You too, I am sure, work hard and I am sure you consider yourself a grown man, so that gives you the right to make the decision that will make you happy and healthy. You have already made a few very wise and difficult decisions, those being to stop the intense partying and the group sex....which to men like us, is so important.
So now my take on how you should proceed.
No matter how much you love your man and how much you love the sex between the two of you, the only way I see to make YOURSELF safe is to discontinue having sex with him. Sit him down and explain that while you love him deeply, his decisions are affecting not only him and his health,  but more importantly (and I stress MORE IMPORTANTLY) his actions are putting you in danger. That is all that needs to be said.
I don't advise wiping him out of your life or moving out of your home, but rather giving him the facts about how destructive his behavior is becoming not only for him but for you as well. It is then up to him to either change and stop the group sex and drugs or lose the intimacy between the two of you. Remind him that you are still in love with him and will continue to be his partner, but since you have said goodbye to those actions, you have also said goodbye to the risk they pose to your health. Stress the fact that you are not saying goodbye to him as a lover, partner and friend.
IMO, to leave him only gives him more of a reason to continue to stay on this self destructive path and he WILL dive into it even further, increasing his chances of having his cock fall off from the diseases he is contracting.
For you to stay with him, continue to love him and be his partner in the future will give him a motivation, or "reward" if you will, for his good behavior.
It is then up to him to think about what is more important.....his hobby of partying and acquiring new diseases or spending a life with a man who is doing everything humanly possible to maintain what you have worked so hard and so long to accomplish.
You are an angel to be so concerned about him and your life together and your desire to have him with you sans the sex and the dangers it is presenting in your lives.
I hope that you can convince him with this tactic as it ultimately gives him an opportunity to change his behavior and allows him to feel as though, like you, a man who has the ultimate control in his life.
Good Luck and I sincerely hope this all works out for you in the end. Should you exhaust all attempts to remedy this situation, and it results in no changes, you can walk away from it and him with your head held high knowing you did what you could and in the end, it was he and not you who has failed.
Let us know how it works out and again, best of luck to you!!!!

"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline Iggy

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2007, 11:22:16 AM »
James,

I've been reading your post and the responses it has gotten for a while now.

It is not just a matter of putting a choice to your partner and possibly leaving a 13 year relationship. I'm sorry, but it is not that simple or easy when you are talking about real life and long term relationships.

That said - I don't disagree that it does come down to you protecting yourself, mentally and emotionally as well as physically you need to take some concrete action.

Frankly since I broke up with my ex under somewhat similar circumstances I can offer my advice on how to reach your partner about this is not about being confrontational of his activities.  I also suggest that you don't use phrases like cleaning up your life or statments of judgement - it is way too flamebaiting per se in such a sensitive conversation and may derail what you need to talk about into just a serious of accussations.

What I do think is important here is counseling.

I wouldn't make it specifically about the drugs and sex so much as you two need to decided where you both are in your lives and whether you are able to continue together - and that you need an unbiased third party to help you both sort through these issues.  The drugs and sex will come up soon enough in such a setting and that way he won't necessarily be on the defensive from the get go with the counseling.

As far as the practical concern of your health - I have no real advice - I don't know if the female condoms are the way to go to be honest as frankly most people I know don't like them at all and prefer regular condoms over the female ones. Yet, I admit I have no other suggestion on how get your partner to use them and it may be worth trying the female condom idea out.

Offline buca45

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Re: Help partner is heading for trouble
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2007, 01:18:08 PM »
In rereading the original post then the responses, I have a few more things to add.
First, HE is the one who must make that choice to stop the Meth...no amount of talking to him, offering ultimatums or threatening him that you are leaving will make an difference unless he acknowledges then works at stopping the drugs. One part of getting to this point is that he gas to "hit rock bottom" (I do hate that statement). One would think that getting different STDs would be rock bottom enough, but I guess not. Perhaps the thought of losing you combined with the STDs might make him realize where he is headed.
Secondly, I don't see any reason why it should be you who has to be proactive in protecting yourself against a PARTNER who is having a sexual blast outside the relationship. Of course I don't want you to get his STDs, but at the same time, if you continue to have sex with him and then use and trust the female condom, while protecting yourself, you are also telling him that it is fine that he continues with his self destructive sexual and drug behaviors.
Lastly, just as I was attempting to say in my original post, I agree with Iggy in that its not just giving him choices and BAM its over with your long term relationship. As much work that you both put into making this LTR work to begin with, its going to take that much work to overcome this hurdle.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

 


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