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I have been in a wonderful 13 yr relationship,  my partner and i have been making some poor decisions in the last 3 years, I have stopped drugs , i dont drink , and after  contracting sphyllis i no longer want to bareback or do the group sex scene.  I have cleaned myself up  and put myself back on track, but my partner travels a lot for his job ,  and keeps doing the group scene , no condoms , and is in the never ending cycle of urinary tract infections , gonneria , ect...... now  he is on Valtrex for herpes.  I cant seem to reach him on the simple use of a condom.  Says he works hard  and plays  harder.   He is an awsome guy , and i dont want to see him  get  anything else , or get sick.  Any suggesstions  would be appreciated.  He is extremely large in the endowment area , and is on every guys first person to invite  list for  a sex  party  , and he  loves all the attention , guess it makes him feel good , only its absolutely runing  my sex  life due to all  the critters he is picking up at these parties.   Any advice would be appreciated. I have always had a open door policy  as long as he is honest  with me  he is a grown  man  and keep do as he will sexually , but its not too  cute  when he is walking around  with blisters on his penis,  and he is complaining about  his urine  burning  ect......  I am afraid I have lost him to the exciting world of crystal and endless  sex  parties........ james

First let me say I'm proud that you have stopped drinking, and drugs. As for you stopping the group sex thing, I not to sure you have. Even though you may have physically stopped having group sex or many partners, if you still have unprotected sex with your partner you still as you know are at risk for any and everything. For what is worth I cleaned my life up 15 years ago, stopped drinking, drugs, sex with any and everyone. My partner at the time did not. He kept up his horney ways. It got him HIV which turned into AIDS which he died from in 1999. He thought he was all that and enjoyed giving his cock to anyone who wanted it. Of course the booze and drugs clouded his better judgement. Now I still have a little part of him still with me called HIV. My life has moved on for the better.
I wish you well in whatever decisions and choices you make. Good luck ...


Like it or not, you cannot control your partner's behavior, whether he's home with you or on the road.  What you can do is set very clear and definite boundaries for yourself regarding sexual risk and the drug use of your intimates.  Those boundaries must come with clear and certain consequences for your partner if they are not respected.

Take protection into your own hands.  Buy female condoms and insert them yourself before penetration.  Put some lube on the outside so it glides well against your rectal lining, and put more lube inside to reduce fritction for your partner.  My enormously endowed insertive partners find them far more appealing and accommodating than Magnums.  You'll also need to clearly state that condom use is not negotiable, as your health is too important to be trusted to another individual.  Your partner can fuck whoever he wants whenever he wants, but no one is going to complicate your life with an STD.

The drugs will be more difficult, I feel safe in saying.  Using the "works hard, plays harder" line suggests to me some enabling of the drug use on your behalf, though.  I work hard, too, but to do so I need to keep a clear and focused mind, not spending hours at night hiding from the non-existent police or popping erectile dysfunction drugs to stay hard enough to plow an insatiable bottom.  Don't make excuses for your partner drug use in any way -- it's threatening your health and his body.  So, if you want the drugs to cease to be an issue, you'll need to either accept them and all of the risks they carry (STDs, his health, domestic violence, legal drama) or set draw a hard line with you on one side and the meth on the other.  If you've got good familial support on drugs (AlAnon, NarcAnon, etc) available in your area, start feeding from it so you can be prepared to take the stand against drugs in the relationship.


P.S.  Last cocaine and MDMA October 1984.

I just want to ask... do you want to live without having numerous diseases? some curable and some that are not... I have a friend who was into barebacking... caught syphilis on more than one occassion... plus several other nasties... along with hiv... today this friend is in a mental facility... his brain is half eaten away... he caught a drug resistant strain and compounded with hiv its not curable... What is your life worth? I'm doing well without my ex who could not control his sex addiction... he's in the final stages of aids in NYC and I'm healthy with a changed life... being hiv+ but, I'm enjoying everyday....

So What is your life worth to you? you have to make a decision...

Well JDH:
   As far as the sex thing goes, I agree with using female condoms.  But you must insist on them.  As far as the drug thing goes, I've been in recovery since 1989 and I had a long term relationship with a guy who kept relapsing.  What I had to ask myself was "what do you expect" (meaning me, after his first relapse), and "how much pain do you have to be in." 


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