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Question for people in here who are not HIV+

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JamieD:
Well.... this is the "Somebody I care about has HIV" forum, so I thought this would be a good place for this.

As people who are on the outside of the who thing, looking in, I was wondering if you could give me some opinions.

No one at all that I am close to, except my ex-bf and best friend, know that I am HIV+. I have kept it a secret from everyone, and I plan to keep it that way for a long time. I have been really depressed for a long time though, and I lied to my family about what disease I have. I told them I had some other deadly disease so that they would understand why I was so depressed, yet not actually know what's going on. I would have preferred to not to have said anything at all, but it is so obvious to everyone around me that something is different with me that I had to say SOMETHING.

I wonder if I ever will tell them, but I am afraid they will be mad at me for lying to them. If someone you really cared about lied to you about having a disease, and then later came forward with the disease they actually had do you think you would be angry with them?

tester8888:
Hey Jamie,

The whole reason I came to this site was because a very new friend of mine (who I have been sleeping with) just found out he was positive.  Though I have worked in medicine my whole life, I did not know the details of HIV, just the basics.  When he told me, I went straight to the internet so I could know as much as I could learn about the disease, just so I could be there for him....so we could talk about anything he wanted to, whether it be the technical lab and med stuff, or, more importantly, so I would know what Not to say, or how Not to say it. This Wonderful Web Site Has Been A God Send, If I knew the process, I would nominate it for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If it is some one that truly cares about you, or is interested in you, the diagnosis of HIV is going to hit them very hard.  Or it has me at least.  The first time I saw my friend after he had told me, I just grabbed him and nearly squeezed him to death, and would not let go.  I have cried a great deal over this for him.  I guess I am trying to say that the people that care about you, feel pain for you.  I always tell the bois who are just coming out of the gay closet, that just like coming out of the closet was a 'process' for them, it is also a 'process' for those who care about you that you choose to tell.....Dealing with a new diagnosis of HIV in a friend is so new to me, this is the closest correllation I can make at present.

Now as for your question, I am a very open minded and forgiving person.  If I am someone you are/have slept with, then you need to tell me the truth.  Not telling me the truth is You taking away My Right to make informed decisions, so you must tell partners the truth.  As for all others,,,,,we all know that there is a huge socail stigma* attached to HIV. To pretend it is not there would be lying to ourselves.  It's no one's business what your particular medical complaints are, it's just that some are harder to keep private than others. So, if prying minds must have an explanation, then, until you feel comfortable telling them, I don't see anything wrong with that.  Wouldn't it be nice if you could just simply say, I have a medical complaint that requires a great deal of vigilance on my part (or etc.) but I am doing quite well thank you. You will of course have the "holier than thou martyrs" that will persecute you for "not telling the truth",,,,but in essence, these are probably the same people that prevented you from telling them the truth in the first place,,,,their inability to critically talk about others.

**There is such a stigma, that at the hospital where I work, it is a fireable offense if you access any information whatsoever on a patient that has an STD.

Anyway, I am assuming that getting the diagnosis of HIV, involves you going through a whole process of acceptance and coping, and everyone will handle it in the same way, as well as those you tell about it that care for you.  If at some point you decide to tell them that it is actually HIV, just tell them, "I was having a hard time dealing with myself, and was not prepared to help you deal with it as well".  I think that is a perfectly admirable response, and if they can't understand that, then maybe they do not care as much as they should.

Hope this helps some.

Jason  :-*

Matty the Damned:
I would nominate it for a Nobel Peace Prize.

You might rethink that when you see us really get into it. ;)

MtD

tester8888:
Naw, I have spent every spare minute of the past several days, reading every entry on this site.  It has done worlds of good for me, both in calming my angst about our sexual activities, and for giving me more optimism about what he is entering into.  I could say it a hundred times and still need to say it again, this site has made a big difference.  Incalculable. Enormous. I really am trying to do the very best I can, and I have decided that this place is the best one for learning what I need to know.  If it were not for what I read on here, I would not have even slept with him today when he came to me (which would have been a great shame, cause he is fucking great in bed, lol).  To quote from Sordid Lives, "I feel like I've been to church!"

sloth:

--- Quote from: JamieD on July 29, 2007, 10:02:58 PM --- If someone you really cared about lied to you about having a disease, and then later came forward with the disease they actually had do you think you would be angry with them?

--- End quote ---
No, I would not be angry with them.  I would be concerned about their well-being.   

After a bit, I might wonder about the mis-direction, but given HIV's stigma I wouldn't attach any importance to it.  My main concern would be helping someone I love face a life-threatening problem.  Love comes first. 

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