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Author Topic: Trapped...  (Read 7660 times)

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Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Trapped...
« on: July 28, 2007, 03:02:23 AM »
I sometimes feel trapped by my life.  Does anyone know what I mean?

I am happy mostly, but sometimes I feel this way.

Drew

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2007, 07:24:51 AM »
I have on occasion Drew, but not often, and mostly by circumstances beyond my control.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2007, 07:54:50 AM »
Like Daniel, not often, but I have experienced that feeling. When anything challenges me that way, I draw it out. Taking paper and  pencil, I literally draw it out in a diagram. A circle for me, circles for issues that are nagging, circles for things going well, etc. Then, I have something to look at, size up, consider alternatives for, etc. It's like my own mini-War Room in which I decide what forces I'll bring to bear on creating change.

Offline Iggy

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2007, 07:41:14 PM »
Yep...though with me I wasn't mostly happy - like to pretend I was, but I wasn't (BTW - This is not projecting on you - I am talking about myself)

In my case though I was ignoring the feelings of being trapped for too long and it all got me to a place where I went Tharn.

Ironically it was by giving in to being trapped that I was able to get out of it ....what it required was giving up just about everything (physical as well as emotional) and I was left with a pretty clean slate a life allowed (by me) to change.

I learned one lesson from that period - don't hold onto to things that are making me feel trapped - and I define trapped by being unable to move forward.  It amazes me how many times I have to remind myself of the things I don't need and that I cling to and which only weigh me down.


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2007, 08:57:31 AM »
Drew, "trapped" can mean different things. What may seem obvious to you when you say that isn't always to others. Can you say some more about it and let us in with specifics.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline allopathicholistic

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  • Posts: 3,258
Trapped? Yes. Trapped by HIV and HIV issues!
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2007, 03:26:24 PM »
I sometimes feel trapped by my life.  Does anyone know what I mean?

I am happy mostly, but sometimes I feel this way.

Drew


Hey Drew. Prior to HIV I did *not* feel trapped. But now I do feel sorta trapped by HIV the actual virus. But, even more trapping than HIV itself  is the financial vicious circle caused by HIV which is pretty much like quicksand with no way out. It's enough to make you scream
« Last Edit: July 29, 2007, 03:28:00 PM by allopathicholistic »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2007, 03:54:16 PM »
I hear ya, All, I hear ya. Takes a lotta grit to get through.
Andy Velez

Offline dufusmaximus

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  • Posts: 34
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2007, 01:40:23 PM »
yes, Drew, i feel trapped...
i can have good days, but then the spector of getting really sick and the expenses throws down huge walls that block any paths i was thinking of attempting.and knowing it's not IF i get sick but WHEN...i've been trying to locate books about people who live with other terminal illnesses and what they do to cope

i do know that venting on this site does seem to help me...since it's hard for me to say these things out loud (i can still barely even say the words 'HIV' or 'AIDS', even when talking to people who are also infected, i say 'sick' or 'it') at least i can try to express my fears here

you are not alone, good luck

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2007, 07:53:20 PM »
Hi Everyone,

It's nice to hear from you and your experiences.  I am glad to share your company :)

One huge thing for me was the fact that I had a huge project and was working 24/7 the last two weeks+health issues like ear/sinus infection, etc.  The project was great, but now I feel a void.  I am exhausted.  I guess I was feeling like I could not get away from the deadline and it was making me unhealthy and stressed, but I wanted to push myself to be my best in front of my peers. 

I think I feel trapped about many of the same things at times, finances for sure, but also just trapped by adult life.  I am so immature.  I just don't want to be an adult.  I suppose that is such a cliche, but too many responsibilities feel like they are sucking my life away.

I guess I am doing what I like and love, but when I feel like it is becoming an entity of itself it bothers me.  I feel like I am caught up in a big machine and lose the joy and play of life that is so dear.

I love my independence and all, but I am finding no dating opportunities where I live.

I think there is a way out of these habits.  I need to make more of a commitment to other things in life than work...

I guess I need to have some fun now.

Drew

Offline Iggy

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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2007, 09:32:10 PM »

I think there is a way out of these habits.  I need to make more of a commitment to other things in life than work...


I know that one very well.  I was a slave to my job 6-7 days a week 10-12 hours a day and when they let me go (for a b.s explanation) my world crashed...because the job was my world.  Sad on my part.

I just read a recent blog post that comes to mind:

http://www.productivity501.com/your-employer-owes-you-nothing/224/

Offline Buckmark

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  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
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Re: Trapped...
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2007, 11:33:53 PM »
Drew,

I think of myself more as being "stuck" rather than "trapped".  Perhaps it is only a semantic difference.  I know I need to change something in my life, but I'm not sure what to change.

I definitely work a lot.  At least one reason for this is a fear of financial problems, which I have seen devastate many HIV+ friends of mine.  And I do get awfully resentful sometimes, that work takes up so much of my time.

That said, I'm really not sure what I would do or change, if I did not work so much.  Just working less and having more free time isn't the answer for me.  I have to figure out what I would really enjoy doing instead. 

I don't mind being an adult.  But I sometimes I think I am too mature, if there is such a thing, and have never really figured out what "joy and play of life" means for me.  Maybe that really means I am immature, not mature.  I dunno.

I will say that you have been under a lot of stress from 2 sources:  working all those hours, while also dealing with health issues.  That can really get anyone down.  So give yourself a break, and take some time for yourself.  Go have some fun -- whatever that means to you. 

As far as dating opportunities are concerned, that's a tough issue.  I've not had a date in several years.  I'm not sure has anything to do with where I live, as I know plenty of folks who date all the time.  I just think there is something about me or my outlook that I need to change.  For me, again it comes down to being stuck, which is why I've been working with a therapist for a few months now (and just switched to a new one).

Not sure if this helps you Drew, but you can at least rest assured that you are not alone .  I think you are on the right track by realizing that you need to make a commitment to change your habits.

For me, your post has been very timely.

Regards,

Henry




"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2007, 12:25:08 AM »
Thanks again for the supporting words.  I like the fact that we share similar and different experiences.

Iggy, I totally agree.  You are expendable to your employer.  However, since I teach at a University, my own work is what counts.  I am very lucky in that respect.

Henry, I do think it is interesting to think about what we want out of life.  So many people just get caught up in the stream.  Maybe we have a bit more insight to think about where we jump in. 

I have this urge to do a lot of cooking right now.  Too bad I am traveling.  I feel like baking or doing something strange like making sock puppets.  I also was thinking about water colors.

Drew

Offline Bucko

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  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2007, 12:55:45 AM »

I love my independence and all, but I am finding no dating opportunities where I live.


I guess I need to have some fun now.


I firmly support any and all recreation with the stronger sex. It might not solve problems, but it makes them much more manageable.

Brent
(Who enjoys his gentlemen callers)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline just_joe

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  • Posts: 42
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2007, 02:45:44 AM »
Drew,
I totally understand where your coming from. I, like you, feel "trapped" because of the walls this disease can put around you. I've actually had panic attacks for the first time in my life. I just have to tell myself to focus on the positive aspects of my life. I'm alive, healthy (the meds are working), have a roof over my head, good friends, a loving partner and I thank God every day for giving me another day of life. For me, it helps.
Joe

Offline ndrew

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  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #14 on: August 08, 2007, 08:50:37 PM »
Hi Joe,

Ugh.  Panic attacks.  You do sound like you have a lot going for you, is that where the panic attacks come from?  Fear of losing these things?  It is hard, because sometimes even when the HIV is not really impacting my daily life, it does overshadow everything.  Why don't I just live and enjoy what I have now?

Drew

Offline Bucko

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  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2007, 04:02:45 AM »
Hi Joe,

Ugh.  Panic attacks.  You do sound like you have a lot going for you, is that where the panic attacks come from?  Fear of losing these things?  It is hard, because sometimes even when the HIV is not really impacting my daily life, it does overshadow everything.  Why don't I just live and enjoy what I have now?

Drew

Druzie-
Your panic attacks might have an organic component. I'd suggest you discuss this with your psychiatrist.

I found that Seroquel helped me a lot.

Brent
(Who believes in better living through pharmacology) 
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline just_joe

  • Member
  • Posts: 42
Re: Trapped...
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2007, 02:28:44 PM »
When I say "trapped" it comes in many forms. I am disabled and the four  time I tried to go back to work I 'I've gotten sick again and had to quit. I live with my ex-lover who I own and share a home with and with time we have grown further apart. He has his boyfiend, I have mine and we both can't afford to buy each others half out, so for now, we are stuck as roomates. I experience PN moderately to severely and feel that holds me back from doing a lot of things that require walking and traveling. I'm terrified of being a burden on anyone. I've always been very self reliant and it's really hard for me to ask for help. The panic attacks came when I was sick and I started thinking about how this was going to be what the rest of my life was going to be about. People say if you don't like it change it. That's just not true for someone in my place. At my age I can't imagine walking away from a house that I own half of and starting all over again. If I could work that might be a different story.  So. although my life does seem rich with things like a house, a car, friends, food, and at the time, my health. I do still feel "trapped" because there is so much more that I would like to do.

 


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