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Author Topic: After being Diagnosed  (Read 8883 times)

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Offline Darknessfalls

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  • Posts: 10
After being Diagnosed
« on: July 27, 2007, 10:15:28 AM »
What can I do not to feel like this?   :'(

Life is hard in many ways,   I feel ashamed it happened to me.  How can I break free?  not be ashmed for that? 
 
 
« Last Edit: July 27, 2007, 11:02:50 AM by Darknessfalls »
Hoshiko

Offline ubotts

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  • Posts: 347
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2007, 10:45:55 AM »
Just what are you trying to say here???
Its not about God..If it is to you,,Then heres the old saying,
God helps them who helps themselves..
Live Love Laugh and dance like no ones watching.
Laughter is the best medicine, so try to have a laugh everyday..Even if your not feeling your best, think about something that was funny at one time in your life and work with it..   :o)

Offline Darknessfalls

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2007, 10:58:23 AM »
I didn't express myself correctly. 
« Last Edit: July 27, 2007, 11:04:05 AM by Darknessfalls »
Hoshiko

Offline blacky1980

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2007, 12:55:52 PM »
Hello Life is hard but you have to balanced it like you balanced it before you found out you was positive. The best thing to do is to pray and start  to love yourself more and just accept the fact that your're poz. it's here now and the only thing you can do is take better care of yourself so you can live a healthier lifestyle there is people you can talk to and help you get trough this. Do not be ashame because we still human we just need a little direction. and congrats on your baby and remember what keeps me strong and to continue to go on with my life is my kids. The beginning I took it hard because I was blaming everybody but myself and when we have unprotected sex it's a consequence we all have to take. Just take life one day at a time and just and try to focus on a goal you want to accomplish.
Blacky1980

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2007, 01:14:50 PM »
I really hate when there is a language barrier and I do hope you understand what I am saying. I agree with Blacky, you need acceptance. You have to accept that you did nothing wrong. I don't know your story so I don't know specifics. You have to accept that even though you are poz, it is not the end of the world. Remember tomorrow is promised to no man, poz or not. We all have our daily struggles but just remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ;D
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Dragonette

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    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2007, 02:54:37 PM »
nothing to be ashamed of, it is a virus like any other, and you probably had sex like any other. we are all human and make mistakes, can't control everything that happens to us. that's what makes us beautiful. anger & blame serve no purpose, although they happen naturally. to make yourself better just do the things you love the most whether reading books at the library, going dancing with friends, jogging in the park or flirting (carefully) online, as long as you are not self-damaging (drinks with friends ok, getting piss drunk will backfire, in the morning you feel worse). Whatever works for you, only you know yourself! be kind to yourself, think like you are someone else and you need to take care of yourself for a while. so often we take care and think of others but not ourselves, or do things to impress and look good but not for what we really need. We have a right to be here and breathe here like any other...

hugs & strength,
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Darknessfalls

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2007, 11:45:55 PM »
Well I have been trying to accept it, and since i always have lived a good life, in that sense it has not change much.  never drink, never smoke, never use drugs.  I understand that everyone had put themselves at risk when having unprotected sex.  i have been in excellent health, never had any symptoms until couple months before I tested.  I had a sinus infection.  but previous to that I had an abnormal pap, didn't think anything of it since abnormal cells run in the family, and one of my aunts had uterine cancer.  But one day my OB?GYN told me to get tested.  i was reluctant to do it since I thought I was not putting myself at risk, and with the boyfriend I had then I always used protection.  one day at work they offered anonymous HIV testing and all my friend from work and I decided to have it done.  and to my surprise it was positive.  I felt scared because i worked in a health center for a long time and most of the HIV+ patients I met I always saw them sick, dehydrated.  But I got in touch right away with a I.D. doctor, my CD4 count was 191 and the viral load was 189,000 so I started taking sustiva, epivir and viread.  two months after my VL was undetectable (<50) My boyfriend left me when I told him, so i decided to stay by myself and finish school.  since then I have not gone out with my friends or to parties.  a year after my diagnosis I met a guy and I told him on the second date.  we dated for about a year and a half, I got pregnant and six months after the baby was born we broke up.  I felt very sad because I really love him but he changed and became aggressive and treated me like I never expected specially after his mom came from her country to stay with us.  Him and his mom don't even call me to find out how the baby and I are doing and I thank God he is Negative and so is my daughter.  Even though I had all this problems going on and the birth of my baby, I manage to graduate from College and got my degree as a Registered Nurse.  I will be taking my boards soon.
Anyway, I have done so much for myself and the baby but I can not seem to accept it 100%. 
I thank you so much for your advice and I promise to try to overcome this feelings, specially knowing there are so many people on the same circumstances as I am and manage to accept it and keep going forward. 
I will do the same.
I am so happy I found this Forum..... It is good to read everyone's advices, experiences, etc. 
Hoshiko

Offline Dragonette

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2007, 12:48:12 PM »
wow, see how amazing you are?! in such a short time to do so much, you are so strong!!!

what a rollercoaster. I didn't mean to imply anything about unprotected sex. To many women are being lied to on purpose, it just happens all the time. The cases that get trialed are the tip of the iceberg.

Well, no need to look up to anyone, I can certainly look up to you

btw jumping from 191 to 600 is a nice advance, I would count myself very lucky if I got 600 T cells, so you are superstrong immunologically as well

Take good care,
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline catwoman

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  • Posts: 111
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2007, 01:09:07 PM »
Darkness,
You are amazing!!  :) This disease can be so mentally stressful at times and in the larger scheme, for no reason.  When I look at the countless other diseases we could've had, sometimes I thank my stars it's this.  Imagine having dialysis or something like that several times a week or imagine something like MS.  In an odd way, we are blessed.  We are still able to work, live, and have children.

Offline zachysmom

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  • Posts: 112
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2007, 12:07:28 AM »
I agree with Catwomen,
sometimes when I watch Discovery Health Channel and see people with horrific diseases, I think to myself I am really lucky I'm not THAT bad.

I think your a strong, intelligent, and willed women to have done so much, this disease unfortunately carries a stigma, which I think you are experiencing.

This happened to you as it did to millions of other people all around the world.
Always look on the bright side of life, and be thankful for having access to meds to improve your condition, and to keep your daughter negative. I can't believe how fortunate  I am when so many are not.
Please keep us posted.
Nicole
From Russia with love,
Nicole

Offline Darknessfalls

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  • Posts: 10
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2007, 12:09:01 AM »
 ;) I also think about that all the time.  Throughout my clinical in school I learned about many diseases and I try to consider myself lucky since I have not had any complications health wise.   I do try to take good care of myself eating well, taking a daily multivitamin.  Need to improve on exercising though!  but my daughter keeps me running all day.   :o
Hoshiko

Offline zachysmom

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  • Posts: 112
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2007, 12:58:01 AM »
Welcome to parenthood,
I've had thoughts as you have, that really started depressing me. It all started with me after I had my son, I think what you're thinking and experiencing is normal everyday mama worries and fears, that unforunately get multiplied when you have HIV.
Having this disease and being a parent is difficult, because you can't express to other parents the shit you go through on a daily basis.

But you are not alone,
you have us,
Nicole
From Russia with love,
Nicole

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,335
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2007, 07:11:43 PM »
...because you can't express to other parents the shit you go through on a daily basis.

nor the shits you may be having!!!! :o

tendai

  • Guest
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2007, 06:53:35 AM »
girl u have so much going for you , a negative baby, a good career, your're responding well to meds.etc. Being depressed is normal with this virus. i get like that especially when it comes to relationships and i sometimes despair of ever getting married and having my own family but i know that one day it will happen God willing.  stay strong...

Offline powerpuff

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  • Posts: 138
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2007, 10:16:33 PM »
your doing betterthan me. when i felt sick with ithrought was the flu i got tested and quit all my jobs, stoped going ou with friends and partys too. i felt ashamed too. cause i'm educated in this stuff. but i got it in a freak way anyway but i felt resposible because i didn't check this one guy out with a test. who knew.

Offline Darknessfalls

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  • Posts: 10
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #15 on: August 02, 2007, 11:15:11 PM »
I feel depressed but when I look at my baby and she gives me a smile, it takes away all my worries and sad feelings.  I feel proud for finishing school, because I am faithful at taking the meds every night before I go to sleep so I don't have to deal with the drowsiness it cause me sometimes.  I thank God for giving me strength to comply with my treatment and continuing living a healthy life....... ;D
about relationships, right now I am at a point that I will rather be alone than be with someone who will put me down or rub in my face everytime he gets mad my HIV status.. that is what my ex used to do.  If he did that to me even knowing my status from our second date, imagine what would have happened if he had tested positive?  I think I would not be telling the story now. 
 
Hoshiko

Offline BT65

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2007, 09:13:22 PM »
I'm with ya on relationships, Darkness.  They're way too much work.  That is so great that you got to further your education!  Way to go!  I'm completing a BS in psychology right now and I'm so glad I'm getting the chance to do it.  I'm on disability, however, and will only work as much as disability allows right now, as my doctor doesn't want me to work full-time and I couldn't afford my prescriptions without Medicare Part D. 
     Enjoy your baby girl!  They grow way too fast.
Peace-
Betty
(who misses her 23-year old daughter daily)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Darknessfalls

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2007, 12:46:31 PM »
What to do?  My ex, after a year of separation, comes back asking for another chance.  He says he loves me and he wants to be with me and our Daughter.  I love him and yet I still fear he wont be able to understand 100% my HIV status due to our previous arguments.  Lucky for us, he is Negative so is my Daughter.
I want to give him a chance but he needs to show me he has change and that he truly understand my situation and will not use it to hurt me anymore. 

Hoshiko

Offline BT65

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2007, 09:01:47 AM »
Darkness:
  That is a touchy subject about taking ex's back.  I know you love him and want to start over, just remember there is a reason why you guys split in the first place.  I'm not saying things can't be mended.  Just be careful.  Maybe some couples counseling would be good, so there's a mediator when you guys discuss things.  Just a suggestion.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline shotis

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  • Posts: 31
Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2007, 10:15:38 AM »
darkness welcome! l have been around the world with my diagnosis and came back to mother earth to settle to the good life that l have created myself. To be honest when l was first diagnosed six years ago, l denied it inwardly because l looked so healthy and had never suffered from any ill-health. l created a cacoon that sheltered my fears, hopes ,dreams and whatever life had to offer at the time l was pregnant with my son who is six now and a joy to have. The poz results never changed anything for me after accepting that it was going to live with me for the rest of my life, l then started telling myself that l may be pos but the virus is a tiny thing..l wont let it control my life l will, because it is witthin my body. With this attitude l was able to move on wtih my life and achieve all the goals l had set for myself. At the time of the diagnosis l was a foreigner in a new country with a partner who never was there. He never wanted to hear word or letters HIV...l continued with this journey and my pregnancy...lucky to have had a negative healthy baby. after 3months, l started to look for work to support my baby and myself. l had traiend as registered nurse back home, but here in uk for me to work l  to do a 6month programme to famialirise myself with the routines and equipments used here. That went well l got my pin numbered and started earning a good salary for myself. The idiot started being nice when he realised that l was progressing well..shit l took him back but it only lasted a few months,he packed himself and left the country after using me... that was hell, left me with my two kids no one to help with child care... shit never stops happening, anyway my sister (bless her) came to help and things started to  shape up. Since then 5yrs later l have moved on and never looked back.Now l am at university reading social work... l have stopped stressing or depressing myself over shit. l control my life. l have the upper hand not anyone...did l mention that l have nevertold anyone about diagnosis except my poz b/f and a poz friend,none of my family members knows shit about this... l take control and thank my lucky stars that l am alive, doing things  never thought l would do.

hey gotta stop here. all the best of luck with everything enjoy your baby nad forget the loser,he doesnt deserve you. if you still love him make him sweat!!!

Offline Thick713

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2007, 02:30:06 PM »
Hey Darkness ...

I hope that all is well with you ... We all understand what you are going through .. because at some point in time we've all experienced it.  What I would like you to know is first & foremost you did nothing wrong .. hell if we all could have, would have, should have ... we would not be in the position that we're in now ... but enough about that .. we all make mistakes .. and guess what .. we will continue to make mistakes ... we are not perfect ... but what is most important .. is that we learn from our mistakes.  You're going to be just fine ... but first you must forgive yourself ... and love yourself ... then embrace the virus ... I know that sounds crazy ... but start thinking  .. yes I have HIV  ... but HIV does not have me ... you don't live with HIV .. but HIV lives with you ... you can control this .. don't let this virus control you ... be strong my sister ... everthing will be ok ... this is a very good support system .. I love it as much as I love my doctors ... if you would like to chat sometimes .. my email address is Thick713@pacbell.net ... and we can talk anytime.  Take care of yourself ...

Thick713





Offline Darknessfalls

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #21 on: August 30, 2009, 09:37:03 PM »
Darkness:
  That is a touchy subject about taking ex's back.  I know you love him and want to start over, just remember there is a reason why you guys split in the first place.  I'm not saying things can't be mended.  Just be careful.  Maybe some couples counseling would be good, so there's a mediator when you guys discuss things.  Just a suggestion.
Just an update.  It never worked out.  He didn't show that he cared and now I am a single happy Mom and my baby is already 3yrs old.
Thanks I tried but iguess it wasn't meant to be.
Hoshiko

Offline BT65

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #22 on: August 31, 2009, 06:18:12 AM »
Just an update.  It never worked out.  He didn't show that he cared and now I am a single happy Mom and my baby is already 3yrs old.
Thanks I tried but iguess it wasn't meant to be.

Good to hear from you, Darkness.  I'm glad you're happy, and hope things continue to go well for you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

tendai

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Re: After being Diagnosed
« Reply #23 on: August 31, 2009, 07:12:19 AM »
Glad to hear you're happy, Darkness.

 


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