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Author Topic: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.  (Read 3836 times)

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Offline Mouse

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This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« on: July 26, 2007, 06:18:28 AM »
I don't even expect any replies tbh I just need to get this out somewhere public.

I have serious, serious self image problems. I should probably see a therapist or something about it because it's getting to the point where I'm even ashamed to show myself around my friends and the dozens of people I feel are heaps more attractive than I am. It's probably got a lot to do with the crowd I hang out with, which are basically a bunch of hotter-than-thou gay boys, who like nothing better than to dress as sluttily as possible and show off for all the other boys. I feel like such an ugly duckling when I'm around my friends.

My hair is never cool enough, my clothes are never nice enough or fit well enough, I don't have the coolest... anything. I used to feel too thin, and now I feel too fat. I have this really bad thing where I feel like I don't actually have any friends that are really my friends. I am honestly paranoid that everyone that claims to like me is just playing some sick game with me so that they can tease me about it later.

Whenever I'm in groups I sit off to the side and study the floor or something while everyone else talks. I go to this gay youth group on Weds and sometimes I wonder why I even bother going when all it does is drastically fuck up my self esteem every time. I kissed this boy tonight for the hell of it, and because he offered, and of course we had an audience and the first thing someone says is, "Haha, that looked like a sloppy kiss, are you a sloppy kisser?" And I just looked down at my feet and said, "Not usually." Which is true. I only am when I'm nervous. But that's not the point. I just feel like no matter what I do someone is watching me and judging me for it. I just feel like I made a fool out of myself or something.

That and I know that half of them talk about me behind my back. They'll hit on me and then giggle about it to their friends later on. Like it's a joke to hit on me or something, because I'm so drastically unattractive that obviously any move anyone makes on me is a joke.

Whatever. I don't know.

Maybe I'm suffering a bit because I feel like whenever I go for someone they get pulled away from me somehow, whether it's their doing or my doing or someone else's doing. Maybe I'm just stressing because of all the crap that's going on with my boyfriend. For whatever reason, I can't sleep. I desperately, desperately have wanted to be cuddled and held for like the past week and no one's either been able to step up and do that or have wanted to.

For about a dozen other reasons that I don't feel comfortable discussing right now I just generally feel like shit about myself. Sometimes it goes away and I feel better about my body/me but every time that happens it comes back feeling about ten times stronger and now I'm losing sleep over it. I don't know if I should talk to somebody about it or what, because it's getting to the point where I'm starting to worry about myself. I'm not like... stupid. I'm not going to do anything or whatever, but it's seriously affecting my ability to function and get along with other people and my attitude about things and I just feel generally unmotivated. I'm pretty sure that equals depression and there's probably something I can do about it.

Do you ever feel like there's so many things wrong with you that you can't imagine anyone being able to get past all of them. I feel like that all the time. Like... I dunno. Everytime someone gets past something about me I drop another thing on them. Blah. I don't know.

I just needed to get this out. Thanks if you actually bothered to read. haha.

Offline Nadine

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2007, 07:26:20 AM »
Awww Jaser...I just think this is something that youth go through, we all have had our awkward stages in life. You are certainly NOT not attractive, please don't feel that way.  It may help you to go speak to someone though.

Hang in there, things will get better!  Hold your head up high sweetie!

((((((BIG HUGS))))))

Offline Peter6836

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2007, 08:09:06 AM »
I think you are a wonderful young man. You live your life with great dignity and courage. You need to give yourself the credit you are due. We are all looking for that place that we belong in the world. You will find it.
May I suggest my favorite book. The Alchemist by Paulo Cahalo, I think you will find it enlightening and interesting. I have given copies of the book to everyone I know. Had my own children all read it. You are just on your own personal hero's journey. You are a hero wheather you know it or not.

Offline indyguy

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2007, 08:22:30 AM »
I was totally the same way when I was young. To scared to come out of the closet etc. For me as i got older there was one movie I could always watch and when I got done with it I was recharged. I hope you have some good friends to lean on when you need to.
Meds doing well so far.

Offline Mouse

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2007, 05:01:08 PM »
Thanks you guys. Usually I hate encouragement and stuff cause it makes me feel whiny (not that I'm not totally whiny, lol) but I think I needed to hear it this time. Bleh.

I hate getting into moods like this that just made me feel like everything I do is just SO completely pointless. It's not even though I'm sick of doing them or anything, it's more like I'm frustrated because I wish I felt more into the stuff I have to do. So, I guess it's not really a matter of giving up on stuff, because I'm not, I just don't know how to get myself ... all... enthusiastic about life/me/everything right now. ie Why I should probably see someone professional about this. I just hate admitting it. lol

Offline anniebc

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2007, 05:15:14 PM »
Hi Jaser

My grandmother would often to say to me during my early years "if God had only one gift to give us, it would be to see ourselves as others see us"

What we all see here is a beautiful young man who is loved by many.

Hang in there we all have our down moments.

Love and hugs
Jan :-*
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline ndrew

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2007, 05:41:09 PM »
Hi Jaser,

It is helpful for you to be honest as you are, however you know you have to challenge these beliefs you form about yourself and how you may think others percieve you.

I felt I was ugly most of my childhood and young adultedness.  I still feel pretty insecure, awkward and uncomfortable and I have come to accept that I place myself as an outsider.

I watch my perception of myself distort like a fluid mirror or the weather.

Physical attraction is important, but the beauty of a person is so much more no?

I love sweet, kind, thoughtful people with depth, and some rough/cranky edges can be nice as well.


Offline BT65

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2007, 09:15:11 PM »
Hey Jaser-
  I have read your posts before, and I think you are an exceptional young man to be dealing with HIV on top of what young people have to deal with in today's society, which is too "it's all about me" oriented.  Just hang in there sweetness.  We all love you for you!  I wish I could be there in person to give you a big hug!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Carolann

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Re: This is why I can\'t sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2007, 09:50:11 PM »
Dear Jaser,

I enjoy reading your posts and echo everyone is saying that you are remarkable. You are in a tough age right now where we tend to focus on everything that we do not like about us, which are sometimes distorted perceptions. You are a smart , sensetive,  attractive kid, and you will find the guy that will appreciate you.


Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2007, 10:23:52 PM »
I have to agree with the others, my dearest lil Mouse. I think you are a cutie and you shouldn't let others opinions sway you. But I also understand that you are at that age where it kinda matters, if you understand what I am saying. I have a son your age so I kinda do know where you are coming from. Like I tell my son, don't be a follower, be a leader, be YOU.
And who cares what those people thinks? You shouldn't, you have that new friend who is diggin you. Things are going good there still, right? I wouldn't call those people your friends or even acquaintances but instead they sound shallow, you don't need them. I really don't know what to say about talking to someone. I think only you can answer that but if you have been seriously thinking about it then maybe you should consider it. Wishing you the best, always.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
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Offline Robert

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2007, 01:16:46 AM »

I know it's  easy for me to say, but you're a cool kid.  Of course, I've never met any of the other kids you're talking about, but it doesn't matter.  I would choose you over any of them any day for any thing.


Offline Ann

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2007, 06:32:21 AM »
Jaser darlin, beauty is only skin deep. Cliche, I know, but oh so true.

And you're beautiful, no matter what's on the outside.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline carousel

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2007, 12:14:52 PM »
Just joining the queue of people who think you're great and always enjoy your posts and sees an intelligent, funny and general good-un.

I have a healthy group of insecurities, which I carry around me.  The trick is to try not to let them overwhelm you and if somebody hits a sore point, you try to ignore it.

People only have opinions, no better or worse than you, but you can choose to believe them or not.  If that doesn't work, tell 'em to get lost.

Wishing you all the best.

Offline Terry

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2007, 10:32:49 PM »

Everyday of my adult life I have started it out by getting up in the morning and first having to go to the bathroom. While doing this I pass by a mirror and (Of course.) I see myself looking back at me. I always, no matter how I feel say into the mirror to myself (Out Loud) Good morning handsome. It just starts my day out the right way. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And if I don’t like me how can I expect anyone else to like me?

Another thing, there's this motto that I have lived by all of my life. I would hope that you’d adopt it for yourself. And it is “Whatever anyone else thinks of me is none of my business.”

And another phrase that I enjoy using is, Fuck’em. I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass care what someone else thinks of me. What is important to me is “What do I think of myself?” The opinion that you have of yourself is what will get you through this life in good condition. Not the opinion of some silly passer-buyers that you’ll come across in your life.

I haven’t been visiting this forum that much lately. (Mainly because of my having to deal with personal health issues) However, when I read your post I had to chime/log in and give you my two cents worth.

Jaser, you are who you are! You’re the person that you make yourself out to be in this life. You will only be as alone as you want/allow yourself to be and you’ll be as happy as you will want/allow yourself to be. Your life will be what you make of it. And in the end you will only have to be accountable to yourself for the good deeds or whatever mistakes you make.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that when I was around your age most everyone would say to me, “You’re so very young, you still have your whole life ahead of you. ” That was Bull Crap advice... 

My advice to you is Get yourself an education. You’re a smart and intelligent person. You have the tools to work with so use them.

Jaser trust me on this one. Get off of  your lazy ass and be somebody.

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2007, 11:10:41 PM »
Oooooooooooooog... Jaser.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with a lot of what's being said here.

First off, there's no questioning the fact that you're a kickass, rockstar guy.  We know this.  Because we, to varying degrees, know you.

However, here is where I must diverge with the general (more mature) consensus.

No one will ever be able to convince me that physical attractiveness and beauty are unimportant.  They are, quite simply, on or near the top of most people's list of priorities.  To say the only thing that matters is on the inside is complete crap.  If this was true, no one would dress up for a job interview.

Simply put, I know... completely and utterly... that looking good equates to... well, feeling better about yourself and feeling like a better person.

Vain and vapid, yes.  But oh, so very human.

Here's the good news, Jason.

I was in the same boat that you're in right now... and not that long ago.  Like six years ago.  Dude, I was fat... and I'm not saying that I weighed five pounds more than I do now... try like thirty pounds more.  I wasn't cool... my friends and I watched A Clockwork Orange and did drama.  Yeah.

By the standards of American teenagedom, my friends and I were not attractive.

But I discovered something interesting... all those kids who were so hot in high school... as we've physically transitioned into adulthood... all their "hot" attributes have morphed into... well... let's just say that they're not lookers anymore.

No one really looked twice at my friends or me in high school... and yet we're way hot now.  Dude... I promise you... in like three years, you're gonna notice people starting to stare at you.  In five, you're gonna be a piece (as in, a "hot piece").  It has to do with your bone structure.

Seriously... I'm going to tell you what someone told me when I was 17.  "Dude, when you're 20, you're going to be so much more awesome than these fucks."  I didn't beileve it.  And yet... that prediction totally came true.  I think it will for you.

Oh, and don't let those fucks know they hurt you.  It's not about "rising above" it.  It's about being better than them.  As in... a more secure person.  See, the only reason those little shits are going after you is so that no one looks at their glaring personality problems.

If I were you, I would listen to a lot of electroclash (seriously, I can provide you with some excellent recommendations), read a lot of Beat Generation writers, and dabble in some decent indie music and films.  This will give you a nice cultural background and a solid bedrock on which to begin feeling better than everyone else. 

You think I'm being vacuous... this really goes a long way, dude.

You are far too cool and genuine and awesome to be made to feel like shit by the Future Fatties of America.  I'm not kidding about that, by the way.   

Then, when some cunt or some fag tried making fun of you, all you have to do is say,"No matter how much  you make fun of me... it won't cover up the fact that you'd need to get a coke habit to get rid of your baby fat," and mean it.

And then you'll make them cry.   

And that will feel good.

What will also feel good is when you're in your mid-20s and clearly enjoying yourself more than they are... and they're begging to be your friend.

It's so sweet, you'll get diabetes. 
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Mouse

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2007, 12:35:00 AM »
Benj, I must insist that we wed.

Offline Dachshund

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Re: This is why I can't sleep. I need to bitch.
« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2007, 07:36:19 AM »
Benj you know I love you...but I think the advice you give to our Mouse is crap. I'm not going to list the reasons why...but your advice does disappoint. It's wrong on so many levels that it almost makes me want to cry.

« Last Edit: July 28, 2007, 07:49:40 AM by Dachshund »


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