Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

I am having a real fucking problem

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JamieD:
This post is in response to my other post, but I would rather it not be merged since it's a little bit different.


I want to note that I am severly intoxicated right now (and yes, I still type perfectly when I am trashed). I have drunk 5 shots of tequilla, and taken 5 oxycodone. I just got off the phone with my therapist, who runs her office out of her home basement so I am able to call her at any hour of the day.

I was crying earlier, like I do all the time now. I cry myself to sleep every night. Taking the alcohol and the oxycodone helps to ease my pain. I am trying hard to take my HIV status and turn it into something positive, take it as an opportunity to turn my fucking life around, but I can't seem to. I am in such emotional pain. My ex-boyfriend and his friends are constantly taunting me, and making fun of me. My ex told me the other day that I am going to die a miserable death, and be all alone and that I should just end my life now. He told me I am pathetic, and disgusting. His friends email me and tell me how I am such a fucking loser and how I should jump off a bridge or a building. They know I am suicidal because I had told my ex. They leave me voice messages in the middle of the night telling me that if they were me that they would have killed themselves long before they found out they were HIV+. My ex writes blogs about how he is so beatiful that when he dumps people they want to commit suicide. The other day he said to me "I am going to go find myself someone who isn't HIV+ to love". I just cried so hard when he said that.

This is so depressing. I destroyed my television set today. I was watching an ad on some channel that and the ad said "Knowing is Beautiful" (in reference to knowing your HIV status) and I just flipped my shit. No one told me before I took an HIV test that my life would be ruined and that I would lose people I love. No one told me before I took an HIV test that I might find myself on the floor all alone on a Friday night taking pills and drinking tequilla to make the pain go away. No one told me that. Why don't they tell you that when you go to get an HIV test? The ugly side of knowing you are HIV+. I actually met someone else who is HIV+ and he just found out 2 weeks before I did. He said he has never had any mental health or substance abuse problems before but all of a sudden he is drinking and cutting himself alone in his room. I have never drank alcohol to ease pain, nor have I ever taken any drugs to ease pain. But I sure as hell am now.

Fuck. And before anyone says anything about the people calling me.... I don't know who they are. They call from restricted numbers, and send emails from anonymous email sites. I tried going to the police but I have no identifying information on them. The things my ex has said to me he said them all to my face, and it's not illegal to tell someone to go kill themselves anyhow.

Sorry for ranting, but I am trashed and I wouldn't open up like this normally.

ndrew:
 I am sorry about all of this, it is a lot to go through.  Please take care not to drown your emotions in drugs and alcolhol and seek some professional support and support of good people.  Changing numbers and email addresses would be good as well.

Drew

Dachshund:
What advice did your therapist give you when you called her in such a state? It is amazing you were able to talk much less type, and the situation with your ex and his friends is beyond bizarre. I would forward this thread to your therapist and continue working with her on a professional level...you don't need armchair psychology from a website you need to be working diligently with your therapist.

Good luck

Dragonette:
hey,

you are probably sleeping now to wake up with a hangover...
this was really sad to read, I have been there, the suicidal thoughts, the menacing ex (though compared to yours he was an angel), the loss of a will to live, just over a year ago.

I gave myself just one year and things really improved.

please don't mix pills and alcohol. i am not familiar of that med but if it is prescribed and you feel that it helps, no harm in a moderate assistance with pills to calm down at this time, but not only pills - you need to talk to someone - and not 5 of them at once!

You will find on these forums many people to help you just by being there, you will see that in these forums and outside, the vast majority is different from these f***ing assholes who are bothering you. I have no words to spare for them really. Like a bunch of evil schoolgirls on amphetamines, and I hope each and every one of them dies in a variety of entertaining and horrific ways.

But, asides from going to the police, who may be able to trace IP addresses from which emails were sent, there is not much you can do on that front. You need to move on. I know you are hurting immesurably, but once you pull out - just a little - from the deep dark well of pain and humiliation, you will really see that life is not over. There are a lot of chilled, friendly, decent guys out there, and people in general. Right now you are still consumed by the Forces of Evil, that's natural, and I have been there myself. Change email or don't open any messages from strangers, keep menacing messages in case you need to play them to the police, but do not listen to them, just skip them if you hear something mean before listening, don't give them the satisfaction! They must be some lower species indeed to enjoy that, and I am sure the rest of their lives is on a similar level. I am so angry right now, it's so hard to be diagnosed anyway, and to seperate as a result even more, but to undergo this... I hope that you will be able to emerge by calling someone, reaching out to a (real) friend, a ASO, a hotline, or even that guy you met, and to use us in the forums. And with baby steps, things really will get better.

Razorbill:
I agree with Drew change numbers and email immediately.  Lay off the booze.  Really.  Have you thought that the reason the situation has gotten bad and that these animals hurt you is that you believe what they are saying about you?  Do you believe you're no good, that you're gonna die a horrible death, that you're pathetic?  I don't think you are, I think you're shaken and worried and instead of finding support, you have torment.  Time to get strong and take action (and I don't mean the cops).  Block communications and start hanging with folks that care.  Drowning in pills and booze won't change a thing.  Good luck.  Keep talking.
Ernie
PS - Why do you have Oxycodone in the house?

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