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My mother is freaking me out.

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Me and my mom got into a fight today. I'm just baffled and hurt because of the way she talks to me and the things she says to me and threatens to do. It scares me. She doesn't act like a mother to me at all.

My grandmother goes upstate NY for the summer, I hate it up there, it's Monticello, NY. There is nobody up there but old Jews and the elderly on bungalow colonies. The past year or so my allergies have been killer to the point where all I can do where they hit is lay down, sneeze, cough, gag and cry.

I also have this really bad issue where when I'm far from home, like, far where I couldn't drive home quickly if I needed to, I have panic attacks. I start to shake and cry and I get really worked up. Sometimes I can take my mind off of it if I keep myself busy, but typically I can't, and it hits me late at night when I'm trying to sleep and I can't concentrate on anything else. I start to feel like panicky, and I can't sleep, my nerves start freaking out and I start to cry hysterically. My mom knows I get like this because she's seen me do it. I've been like this since I was little.
She used to accuse me of pretending to do that to get out of places I don't want to be, but ever since me and my dad went on vacation to the shore once and I couldn't stay because of it, and he had to drive us both home, she knows I'm not kidding.

I guess it's like extreme homesickness.

Anyway, she is pissed at me and has said these things:

That I'm ruining her summer.
That I'm fucked up and strange and weird and that's not normal and that she wants to take me back to a psychologist because there's something WRONNNNNG with me (she said it like that, yeah.)

I told her I could stay alone, she wouldn't let me, I asked her to call one of my friends to see if I could stay with them, and she dropped her arms to the side, stared at me and said - YOU DON'T -HAVE- ANY FRIENDS, YOU FAG.

I got kind of taken back and looked back down at my laptop and refused to look at her in the face again. But she kept talking and shit. She went on again about how I'm RUINING her summer and then she just stopped and tried to guilt trip me into coming with her by talking about how old my grandmother is and I'll wish I would have gone up and seen her after she's dead. And then she said, you'll feel bad when something happens to SOMEONE - I don't know WHO YET, but just wait.

And then she walked away. Stopped dramatically and told me to go find myself my own food somehow, and then stomped down the stairs.

I can't live with this woman. I know she's my mother, I know she loves me, but I think either she's still drunk or very hungover and when she gets like this she's impossible to live with. And as like, selfish and as a pain in the ass of a kid I can be, I still don't think I deserve that kind of shit from my own mom. I'm just frustrated, and hurt, because she never used to say things like that to my face.

very sorry to hear that. i would suggest you "talk turkey" (as my friend from oklahoma would say) meaning be direct but don't provoke and of course maintain the highest level possible (meaning no nastiness --whether or not nastiness was thrown in your face. take the high road). i'd say "Mom, that fiasco just now - it was hurtful, it wasn't mature, it wasn't rational. we have two choices here. we can speak like two rational sane people or this can descend into hell. The choice is yours."

What a horrible situation for you. In my opinion, her behavior qualifies as emotional abuse. I wish I could give you advice on how to deal with it. I only hope that you realize that the terrible things she says to you are a reflection on her and have nothing to do with your worth as a human being.

Maybe it would be good to see a psychologist, but not for the reasons your mother thinks. It might help you deal with your mother's abusive behavior. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. Emotional wounds heal far more slowly than physical wounds.

I'm 58 years old, and I still carry bad memories of hurtful things my mother said to me when I was growing up. As I got older I learned to call her on her behavior in an effort to teach her to stop. She's gotten better, but even after all these years she still sometimes falls into those old patterns.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how you're doing.


jaser, dearest...I'm so sorry to hear about the way your mother is treating's definately emotionally abusive...I know you are a strong kid and you will get throught this..I agree whole heartedly with everyone above me...I have been there myself and it's not easy at all.

You are a good person and we are all here for you if you need ANYTHING.

many many hugs


Matty the Damned:
Smaller One,

As much as I'd like to join Alex, Alan and Lotus in their Rush To Judgement about your mum's possibly vodka fueled tirade, I can't. Now don't get me wrong Baby-boi, I don't think what your mum said to you was acceptable. It wasn't but I'm not sure I'd go mincing out onto the Oprah High Wire with the others here and declare her to be emotionally abusive.

It sounds like you two had a typical teen-parent fight.

Harsh words were uttered and given some of your recent threads about your home life uttered against a background of domestic stress. People (even mothers) are human and they can say and do nasty things when they're pissed off. It doesn't sound to me like your mum was trying to be cruel or horrid, she just sounds frustrated and angry and you just happened to be in the way at the time.

Still, she shouldn't call you a fag, so if such an exchange occurs in the future you might want to repay her in kind. For example:



. . . . or words to that effect. They might give her pause for thought. Or get you a smack in the mouth. You never know until you try.  ;)

Squeakie-boi, the reality is that we say the most hateful things to the people we love the most. The good thing is that generally we don't mean them. Your mum's words were nasty and hurtful, but emotionally abusive? Nah, just silly.



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