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Author Topic: Depression and Living Alone  (Read 7880 times)

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Offline atxpozguy

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  • POZ+ 30 year milestone reached for Austin man
    • It's Your Vehicle & Money
Depression and Living Alone
« on: July 18, 2007, 01:40:13 AM »
I have been getting very depressed the last couple of days and it seems to be getting a little worse. Why? maybe because the loneliness is getting to me now that Juan is going to have move away. I don't know really, but, I have been in the tear stage several times over the past couple of days, like right now. I feel like I am trapped in a stage of my life at this moment, nobody to talk to, nobody to visit with and nobody to be a friend that I can rely on during times like right now.

I have called my ASO case manager everyday this week only to receive her voice mail at times when I needed to talk with someone, it's like things have drastically changed since the days of having a case manager like Becky was with Community Action when I lived in Georgetown, least she would make home visits, but not here, it's like I am just a file sitting in a file cabinet.

I guess crying is okay, I been doing that a lot lately, why am I so sad, I don't know, but something needs to change soon because this is not me, the person I am, just a 51 year old gay man living with aids all alone with no support help...... :'(

A phone call would be nice, but I can't even get that anymore..512-680-3190 (SprintPCS)
30 years poz with no expiration date


Diagnosed HIV 1983
Diagnosed AIDS 2001

As of Jan 17, 2012: VL <20k CD4 183  28.5%

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2007, 05:26:42 AM »

I find helping someone else is often the best remedy for changing a situation where we feel isolated. Are there any organizations in your area where you could do some volunteer work? Isolating yourself won’t change the feeling depressed.

« Last Edit: July 18, 2007, 05:28:29 AM by DanielMark »



Offline Peter6836

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  • Me and my Granddaughter Noa
Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2007, 08:56:37 AM »
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in the same situation. I can only suggest finding a local support group of any type. I attend a local AIDS support group. I have moved my friend in with me. At time is aggravating and I feel like I should kick him out because I end up taking care of him. But I am not alone. I suppose you can say that I pay for the company. He doesent work or do much of anything. I pay to have a companion. In many ways it is sad but I am not alone in the end. It is difficult to be alone and worse to be lonely.
I also understand it is difficult to get out when you are depressed. There are many times I am invited to do things and I just do not go. My depression takes over and I end up isolateding instead of accepting invitations. Try to do things that you love to do find enjoyment in life. Do things that you love. Again I know it is hard to think about and motivate yourself to do the things that you love when you are depressed. Be kind to yourself and treat your self well. Take yourself to dinner. Buy your self something wonderful. Depression and AIDS only exacerbates that being alone feeling.
I wish I had a sure answer to your problem. I fight the fight every day. I struggle to get myself out there. I fight the loneliness. I cry and feel sad. I refuse those invitations and isolate. But I keep trying you must too. Perhaps in the midst of trying we will find that we are no longer alone and depressed. That life is better than we thought it was. Do not give up get a pet. I just keep throwing things out here. I can feel your frustration, pain, and sorrow.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2007, 09:05:04 AM »
Hey Tx,

How's it going today? What are you up to?
Andy Velez

Offline Iggy

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2007, 02:45:30 PM »
I think what you are feeling make sense as you are going through a major change in both the people in your life and your living situation. 

Your case manager may be uncaring, unsympathetic or perhaps just overworked and unable to provide what you need.  I think you need to find a group or some counseling in a face to face setting.

Going by your area code I see you are in the Austin area which I believe has a good number of services.  I don't wish to be presumptuous and assume you don't know any, but and providing a link to one just in case.


Offline gpete

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2007, 09:37:45 PM »
I agree with an earlier response.....try to help or assist someone else.    I've been poz 20+ years,  had 2 LTR and until 2 months ago was alone for the last 4 or so...EXCEPT... my 4 legged friends.    I have been much luckier than many,  and I also had a dear neighbor across the street who passed 2 years ago.    When I found my home here,  she was the 1st person I met.     She had just lost her husband 2 weeks before I first looked at my house.     She didn't come off as a friendly person at first BUT she softened as soon as I got to know her alittle better.    She told me a million plus times that the Lord had sent me to her!     She put 40 lbs on me the 1st year I lived here,  she often just needed someone to listen and feel like somebody cared.    I never shared with her that I was +,  but she told me many times she knew I had something bothering me & to share it with her when I was ready.    My point for you is,  try to reach out to SOMEBODY even if it's just a wave at a neighbor or someone you see at the store etc.   Offer a SMILE,  hold a door open with a SMILE....make yourself approachable AND if possible rescue a puppy or a dog!    I started with 1,  now have 4 (the last 3 came to ME) and I've told my dogs many times that they are my REASON for keeping on keeping on.   I find that my dogs are ALWAYS glad to see me.    They KNOW when I'm down and they always lift my spirits abit just being there & being dogs.    Best of luck to ya! 

Offline dagdave2

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2007, 01:20:18 PM »
ONE ADVICE THAT HAS HELPED ME.... LISTEN TO MUSIC.... www.petshopboys.co.uk their giving most of their music away and it really helps... also the incredible and ever so wonderous www.madonna.com hope it helps. it has helped me. i'm going through the same thing probably going to break up after almost 6 years. Oh and also: look for friends. good luck from mexico...

Offline atxpozguy

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2007, 01:24:35 AM »
I am doing better, I have more support from different people, that I believe. Just this past Tuesday evening before dark, 3 Police Commanders dropped by the house, a complete surprise, they told me they were concerned about my health seeming that my trip to the hospital by ems, sent an email to individuals about my failing health. It was such a pleasant visit that left me with a feeling of be wanted.

My doctor increased by seroquel to 75mgs or 3 pills instead of 1 with my night meds. I am sleeping better and longer now, just alittle droggy in the afternoon when I wake up.

Spending alot of time online in the chatrooms, listening to music and watching tv more helps alot the either fall asleep or taking a shower when the marinol side effects begin to fade away.
30 years poz with no expiration date


Diagnosed HIV 1983
Diagnosed AIDS 2001

As of Jan 17, 2012: VL <20k CD4 183  28.5%

Online BubbaPat

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2007, 08:17:03 PM »
Hey Happy Pat,

BUBBA PAT sends you big bubba hugs from Irving.

I find that when I'm depressed and want to feel better, I pop in Steel Magnolias.  Watch the movie, cry like a big baby and then I'm ready to go on.
If that doesn't work, a trip to my favorite TexMex place with a few friends helps.

Glad to hear you are doing better.

Bubba hugs!!

Offline Jody

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2007, 08:46:11 PM »
Hi TX...Sometimes we allow fear to get in the mix that is our imagination, we connect the dots of stuff that isn't really there, I do it all the time, making mountains out of mole hills in my case and then I realize later that 99% of the things I worry about have no real basis of concern.

Try to make each day better, go out for a walk, talk to people, do things you enjoy...Many folks cannot work but if you can, difficult as it may be, it can take your mind off the little, pesky things that don't mean all that much.

Keep on truckin'

"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline JeffreyM

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  • 11:11
Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2007, 10:47:24 PM »

I find helping someone else is often the best remedy for changing a situation where we feel isolated. Are there any organizations in your area where you could do some volunteer work? Isolating yourself won't change the feeling depressed.


Hi Pat, I'm new here, I'm JeffreyM, I have been living with  the virus for 16 years.  I know all too well about depression.  It can be crippling. You have to dig very deep to pull yourself out of it, you can do  it! You are going through a lot right now, and things will get better, hang in there!

 I will have to agree with Daniel. Try to get out of your own head. Do something for somebody else. It worked for me. I find that having some physical activity also helps a lot.
I hope you are feeling better

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2007, 02:31:16 AM »
It is understandable you are depressed. I know when I first started living alone I was really depressed. I still have a difficult time coping at times. It will get better though. Do something nice for yourself. Also I am finding the phrase "action before motivation" works for me. When I make myself start doing something I start feeling more motivated after I just start. It isn't always easy though. Having hiv and also living alone can be difficult. I just keep reminding myself that so many people have it even worse. This strategy doesn't always work but it does sometimes. Im also learning to realize there will just be days when Im in a good mood and days when I am sad it can also change at any moment. I remember a few weeks ago I was on vacation alone and I was in my hotel room in a great city but I just started crying. I was so tired of being alone. But after about twenty minutes I washed my face told myself to pull it together and had a great day alone. Keep your chin up gets easier  ::)

Offline xyahka

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2007, 03:05:52 AM »
Well.. if i can contribute with something it would be... while i was living in Moscow i faced one of the huge depressions i have ever faced in my life, me and my friend from India. At the end someone adviced us that it could have been because of the lack of sun... which affects the balance in the body chemistry (as we were told). So i would advice you to go out and walk at midday, it helped me... i have also found interesting to go somewhere you don't know and talk to people.. sometimes saying Hi! can open so many doors, get involved in any new activity... from painting, to acting, whatever you have always wanted to do... in that way you will meet new people. Another thing i do when i am sad i listen lot of optimistic music (i mean optimistic lyrics, not those about sadness and hearts broken), go for a chocolate (it helpts to bring the mood up) or go for what i love to eat the most... ice creams or specific type of food.

And finally... don't wait for others to call you, sometimes they are sad too... and sometimes if you call first... you can make someone happy.

Juan Carlos
(who usually calls to Russia, Turkey, Germany, Peru only to say hi)
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline atxpozguy

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2007, 12:41:21 AM »
Well, I am doing much better it appears since my doctor replaced the seroquel with haldol this past Wed. The sleeping for 12+ hours after adding haldol with ambien and the other 8 meds I take at bedtime have me dreaming about some very odd things. Staying up all night Friday night with friend grieving his partner that died from a gunshot wound to head during a carjacking with no sleep, was tough. But Saturday afternoon after getting back home around 3pm, I took an ambien, vicodin and haldol, fell asleep and didn't wake up until noon Sunday.

The depression is getting better, as several guys that wouldn't come over to visit when my ex (Juan) lived with me, came over with friends to visit 3 days in a row and have made plans to travel to the coast together in a couple of weeks.  :)

But, this drug Haldol seems a bit different than Seroquel, because I never had the type of dreams I am having now, last night's dream was about winning the Lottery and being beaten up during a home invasion. ???

30 years poz with no expiration date


Diagnosed HIV 1983
Diagnosed AIDS 2001

As of Jan 17, 2012: VL <20k CD4 183  28.5%

Offline wiser

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Re: Depression and Living Alone
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2007, 09:20:19 PM »
This thread hit home tonight as I have just been going through a quite difficult time anticipating my companion for the past 2 years leaving to go off on his own. I had been living alone for 10 years and for the most part enjoyed the independence and freedom, despite those episodic Friday nights or weekends when I suddenly felt so alone. I was at the brink of entertaining suicidal thoughts...more so than ever in my life. I would find myself crying inconsolably, loud heaving crying and banging the pillow or wringing my hands. It wa quite frightening. I reached out to friends at work, hooked up with a therapist and did all those great holistic things like walking, eating better, taking a bath, listening to music, and writing in my journal sometimes for hours. But the one thing that helped the most was getting a sleep aid (Lunesta) from my doctor. I had questioned if it was my Atripla that was causing the problem (sustiva part). Doc said to try the simple thing first. Sleep did  wonders for me. With some rest I was able to use all the other resources at hand and begin to get it together. I let the lonely feelings flow when they come and dont repress them. I also am looking at solitude as a possible gift at times .... allowing me to go to place of peace and reflection. And I as I have shared my plight with my "partnered or familied" friends, I have come to see that many of them talk of being alone even when living with others. They envy some of my independence and freedom. Just some thoughts as I too work on dealing with time alone.


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