Main Forums > I Just Tested Poz

So here it goes

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calikid:
I had risky sex early June but had to wait until later that month to get tested. They drew blood and tested it for antibodies. I got the results a week later saying it came out negative. A few days later I received another call (July 6) saying that my blood tested RNA positive, with a viral load of 10,000. I went in for a second time so they could draw more blood and I found out today that I tested positive via IFA. As expected, I am going through a flurry of emotions. All of these what ifs, would'ves, should'ves and could'ves overcome me. I feel so much regret. A part of me doesn't want to believe it. I have become so disconnected in that I never thought I would be infected. As silly as it sounds, I am just waiting for them to call me back, saying that it was all a mistake. I don't want to come off being a whiny baby. I knew what I have done in the past was risky and down the line, I would have to pay a certain price and face the consequences. But I didn't know that I would have to pay it now. I thought I had my whole life ahead of me; I was inspired by the almost limitless possibilities. But now, I fear that I won't be able to accomplish everything that I have set out to do.

I don't know what to do from here on out. The first that came to my mind was that I was going to die. Still being young, I was naive to ever think about my own mortality. But the past week has changed everything. Yes, I know that everyone dies, but I cannot shake the feeling that I will die a sooner, painful and uncomfortable death. I don't want to suffer during the last years I have left. But most of all, I don't want to put my friends and family through an unecessary burden. I don't know how much of a normal life I can live. I am just absolutely numb -- I am emotionally spent and distant. I was so foolish to think that I would never get infected, that some how, I would be the lucky one in dodging the bullet.

People say that HIV/AIDS is manageable, that it is a chronic condition that has to be taken care of for the rest of your life. But the thing it, I also suffer from depression/bipolar disorder and already know what is means to keep this condition "under control." Imagining juggling doctors visits, appointments and taking HIV medication in addition to my antidepressants is absolutely daunting. I fear that I don't have what it takes to simply move on. I know it may take months, maybe even years, before I come to peace with my condition. I am fighting the urge to withdraw and lock myself in a room until everything blows over. While I was awaiting my results, I spent the week going online and researching everything I could on HIV infection. All these terms and medical jargon intimidate me. I don't want to be prodded, poked and studied as if I were an animal. I feel that I have been stripped of my humanity. On the bus ride home, I fought the urge to plan to take my own life. It sounds juvenile, yes I know, but I feel that my options are limited. I am so scared for my life, fearing the quality of it has dropped dramactically. I haven't seen my therapist for well over a month -- and I am scared to even tell him about it, even though I know he probably be the most supportive at this point. I fear that in being positive, I will never be able to be close to someone. I already have a hard enough time trying to go out and socialize. I have always felt disconnected from people growing up, and now it will be even harder to do so.

I still hope that it the results were false positives. I really do. But I know that it is not the case, and that...I will just have to move on. I am not a religious person, but I did ask and pray to God, my grandmother and my late father for strength and forgiveness. I don't know if I ever can ever forgive myself. I know I won't be the same person ever again.

MOONLIGHT1114:
Hi Cali,

Read your other post as well.  I understand how overwhelmed you must feel with the shock of this new news.  I have been diabetic since age 11 and on insulin.  I am 37 and have been poz for 13 years now.  I know the struggle of juggling docs appts.  I go to my ID doc, my PCP and my diabetic doc.  I am going to a chiropractor and a massage therapist to help nurse a bad neck and back.  I had a female scare in May and had to have a bunch of tests run.  I have had a lot of MRIs done to check on my back and neck.  It NEVER seems to end.  I get overwhelmed by the appts, but I tell myself that its my JOB to take care of myself now, and to fight this battle.  The good thing is, YES, HIV IS chronic, its easier to manage than my diabetes and the frikkin insulin pump I am on!  I remember getting my diagnosis in December 93, three days before Christmas.  My doc told me the news and I said, "This couldn't have happened to a better person.  I won't let this get me."  ....and so I haven't.  It may sound strange, but already being on meds and visiting docs for other conditions actually prepared me to live with being poz.  I was already used to schedules, regimens and routines.  Imagine if you had a clean bill of health and THEN tested poz?  You would be going from one extreme to the other, which in my opinion, would be more of a shock.  I understand that you want to lock yourself away from the world right now, and if you need to vent, cry, scream, I think its healthy to do so.  Its all quite normal and sure feels a hell of a lot better than holding it all inside.  Remember though, that only YOU can take the steps to take care of yourself.  There are so many meds out there for HIV!  Yes, it sucks to have the virus but you owe it to yourself to take advantage of all of the possibilities with meds.  Go to your doc on a regular basis and remember to wrap that rascal!  Hey, look at my counts posted here at the bottom.  Just got them back today.  Even my thyroid and cholesterol as well as the dreaded blood sugar have improved.  All I have done is eat junk food while being unemployed for 2 months, but I have exercised and cleared my head. 

Take the challenge to take good care of yourself.  Its NOT the end of the world, and you have plenty of people here you can turn to for support!

Sincerely,

Cindy

clubbin1980:
hello cali....
   i was diagnosed in feb. of this year and just recently i have been able to say hey.... i made a mistake and wasnt careful but ohh well its said and done...... but my life isn't done.... its time to live how i should have done in first place and not let this bring me down....
   you seem to be a person that can overcome this... so be strong and know u have friends on here... to talk to whenever

much love and support
clubbin1980

calikid:
God, I am still numb. I am sitting in the kitchen thinking about to do with the rest of my day. I am trying to keep as normal a routine as I possibly can. But sometimes I think what is the use. I try to tell myself that I am the same person, but I can't bring myself to look into the mirror anymore. I am filled with so much regret, so many should'ves. I fear that being infected will get in the way of life. There are still so many things I want to accomplish and I don't think I can do it anymore after getting infected. I feel I have to reasses everything now. I am filled with so much doubt.

But I am worried about getting infected so young. I keep thinking that the virus will have more time to deplete my immune system, leaving me vulnerable as I grow up. I am also worried that as time goes on, I will become more and more resistant to the different classes of medications.

I am still trying to get through this, but I feel so goddamn numb.

Matty the Damned:
People say that HIV/AIDS is manageable, that it is a chronic condition that has to be taken care of for the rest of your life. But the thing it, I also suffer from depression/bipolar disorder and already know what is means to keep this condition "under control." Imagining juggling doctors visits, appointments and taking HIV medication in addition to my antidepressants is absolutely daunting. I fear that I don't have what it takes to simply move on. I know it may take months, maybe even years, before I come to peace with my condition.

Honey,

Actually a few of our members here are also managing serious psychiatric conditions like bipolar disorder along with their HIV. I myself also have to deal with grand mal epilepsy as well as AIDS. It makes getting the right medication combos interesting to say the least.

The nifty thing with a condition like HIV is that it's not going to go away and so in the end, you have to deal with it in some form or another. Most of us manage that with a fair degree of success. If you've been managing a serious condition like bipolar, then you've already go what it takes to deal with HIV infection.

Naturally the key to this is having good communication with and between your medical people. Your HIV doctor is going to have to talk to your psychiatrist and your GP and vice versa. They've all gotta be singing off the same page and it's your job to ensure that they all know what's going on.

Don't expect to be able to deal with everything that HIV throws your way straight off. It takes time to "learn the ropes" so to speak, but I'm confident that you can do it.

Fondest regards,

MtD

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