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Author Topic: Is there ever a day...  (Read 3958 times)

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Offline smdaly

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Is there ever a day...
« on: July 11, 2007, 02:52:12 AM »
Let me apologize if someone has already asked this question - but is there ever a day that goes by for some that you don't think of yourself as a person with HIV?

I found out only four weeks ago about my status, and every day since - I have thought about it and what it means. I just hope that there will be even one day, (could be years down the road) that I don't look in the mirror and think of myself as infected.  :(

Besides that I am doing very well with the news, might now sound like it - but I am.

Offline indyguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2007, 04:33:30 AM »
I feel the exact same way dude. It is what it is. Its not going away its just part of your life now like a heat problem or any other desease would be. I dont let it get me down. My doctor kept asking me if I was ok and did not seem to believe me when I said I had accepted it and moved on. I think I would have thought differently 10 or 15 years ago like some of the long term folks on here. I cannot say what would have been going through my mind if I would have found out back then. I am lucky that I have friends that are poz and were able to give me a heads up about everything medical wise I was about to deal with. Best of luck.
Meds doing well so far.

Offline LT

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2007, 05:04:19 AM »
I was diagnosed about 21 1/2 years ago, so I guess I'm a grizzled old veteran in this not so exclusive little club of ours.  Over that time I've talked to, and counselled many a newly diagnosed person.  For a pile of others, I've just observed.  From my own experience, and those of others I've developed this three year theory of HIV acceptance.

During the first year, you're afraid all the time.  Every little medical thing is "The Beginning Of The End!"  Every cough is PCP pneumonia.  Every bruise you doesn't remember getting must be KS.  Every fever must be something serious. Every time you forget something, it must be dementia. Every case of food poisoning just has to be a horrible intestinal parasite.  With every cut, you will imagine you are spurting death out into the universe, and be afraid of letting anyone near, or clean up afterwards.  The virus will be on your mind many many many times a day.  You will be oblivious to the fact that before HIV, you occasionally got sick, the way everyone else does.  Your fears will ebb and flow like the tides, only much more erratically.

During the second year, you will be a little less paranoid.  While the same situations are still stress provoking, the fear is much lessened.  But ever set of blood tests, and their accompanying visit to the ID doctor will bring up the "What if they found something horrible," kind of thoughts again.  You only think about the disease a couple of times a day.

Some time around year three, you will relax and settle into the virus being just as much a part of you as the colour of your eyes, or the shape of your nose.  You will only seriously think about HIV once or twice a week.  A setback will always bring the early fears right back, but they hang around for shorter and shorter periods of time.

In no way is my analysis comparable to the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's seminal work "On Death and Dying."  She used to consider that there were seven stages on the road to acceptance (see the movie "All That Jazz"), then later shortened it to five.  But my observations aren't about the path to the certain death of a terminal cancer diagnosis, just the acceptance of you own HIV status.

Of course your milage may vary depending on your driving habits and traffic conditions.

Hope this helps.

Offline indyguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2007, 05:55:41 AM »
L.T. I dont know you but I love your outlook on things. Awesome.
Meds doing well so far.

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2007, 12:26:39 PM »
Hi! 

It is a hard time when you first are diagnosed.  I had a hard time the first 2 - 3 months and decided I was wasting to much time worrying about it.

I have adjusted very well with my meds (Kaletra and Truvada) My numbers keep going up, in March of 2006 TCells were around 130 and the VL was 9000.  My last exam was 4/2007 and my numbers rose to 470 TCells and VL is undetectable.  And the best thing is that I am pretty much still doing the same things I did prior to diagnosis.
 
As far as emotionally, I am so living my life! 

 

I just recently told 3 female friends and they were cool.

Biggest fear?  Telling potential partners...but I told the new guy in my life

Just remember that this is not the 80's where all of society was scared.  Medical advances are totally awesome these days with meds, and you are not alone.

I made a major change in my life over Memorial Day, you can read the post here:         

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=13595.msg168713#msg168713

HANG IN THERE!
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Mike2008

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2007, 03:11:15 PM »
I haven't been poz long, but already the mental anguish of it all has subsided.  I think it will take time for me to grieve that my old life died on April 27th, 2007 and to adjust to it's  passing.

You can't grieve too long though, I have a brand new life that needs to be lived with lots of new demands and concerned people.

The old life is gone, never to return - what you do now with your second life is up to you. :-\

As weird as this may sound, I kind of feel I am part of something special.  These people have all come together in one place to really help each other, and I have been let into their club. I almost feel like I am one of the lucky ones, not the still negative people wandering through life by themselves. 

I have been given a chance to be a part of something special and to DO something special myself by helping those that come along after me.  I think my HP wanted to bring my skill set into this community of caring and healing and that is what  I am going to do with my new life.

On the other hand I could just be having a good day! ;)
4-27-07  cd4 490  vl 1857
6-28-07  cd4 418  vl 993
started Atripla 9-17-07
10-9-07  cd4 502  vl,<75
1-15-08   cd4 473 vl< 75
blood platlets 31-26-79-20 -0-63-109

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,324
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2007, 03:17:21 PM »
To answer your original question:

I would have to say "yes and no".  No, because it crosses my mind at least twice a day when I swig down my pills.  But yes, the "anguish" aspect of it subsides.  It threw me for a loop at first, but I got past it- and so will you.  Just give it a little time.  It's still very fresh for you now.

And PS:  Welcome to the forums.  Glad you are here.


AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • Posts: 24,512
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2007, 03:27:53 PM »
There's a difference between "thinking" about HIV and "obsessing" about it.  I think it about it daily when I take my meds, but I don't fixate on it.  I'm really not sure how one can NOT think about it slightly when you pop 15 pills in one swoop.  I don't look at it in a negative manner, just a simple fact of life.  No reason to sweep it under the rug though.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2007, 03:43:57 AM »
Let me apologize if someone has already asked this question - but is there ever a day that goes by for some that you don't think of yourself as a person with HIV?

Since it's only been a month since your diagnosis smdaly, thinking about it a lot is perfectly natural. Everyone is different so everyone will come to terms with being positive in their own time frame and in their own ways.

Sooner or later you will realise that you are still you, and if you don't abuse your health you will probably live a very long time. Like anything new itís just going to take time to adjust.

To answer your question more directly, yes there are days when I don't really think about it.

Be good to you,

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Bucko

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  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2007, 03:21:39 PM »
It's amazing the lengths our minds go to accommodate HIV into our psyches and lives. But without such mental gymnastics we'd be in a state of perpetual stress and panic.

As has been said already, med time is reminder time. It just becomes as natural as brushing your teeth.

Brent
(Who made his peace long ago with his virus)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline pozattitude

  • Member
  • Posts: 909
  • Enjoy
    • to find out more about me....
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2007, 03:34:47 PM »
What I can add to what has already been said?
I do think about HIV almost everyday, but from an activist perspective.  I don't feel like a victim, on the contrary, it makes me feel empowered. 
Like Bucko said,   "med time is reminder time. It just becomes as natural as brushing your teeth."


Rich
(who feels the same about HIV as he does about cold winter days."  I don't like it, but I can live with it just fine")
POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2007, 08:41:59 PM »
I agree with what LT said.   I don't think about it too much except when I come here and when I need to disclose before having sex with someone.  And even then, I don't dwell on it.  Life's too short to be carrying a cross for my imminent demise.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline smdaly

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Is there ever a day...
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2007, 12:24:13 AM »
Everyone -
thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate each and everyone of you for taking time to give me some insight to how you have and are handling life after diagnosis.

I'm doing well. I do think about it still everyday - however it's not as emotion based thinking. It's more just a fact. Similar to I have green eyes, facial hair and I am positive.

Life is good -
Thank you everyone.

Shane

 


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