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Lesbians with hiv

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ubotts:
Hello everyone,
I have been gay from the age of 14..Dated guys, but knew in my heart i was a lesbian..
I was very confused because a nice catholic girl shouldnt be feeling these emotions..
I did attempt suicide at the age of 15, but it didnt work thank god..Eventually i got into drug use to
hide my pain...BIG MISTAKE.........
Later on i told my mother that i was gay and i was on drugs..She responded, "ill love you no matter what
your sexual prefence is, but i will not tolerate drug use........Eventually i winded up in rehab..Met a girl
there and we got along just great..We moved out together..She had been married and had a daughter. Her
husband watched her child when she was in rehab with me..
Long story short...She was bi sexually and we shared needles..We both went on methadone clinics..She was on one and i was on a different one..
She was losing weight and i thought it was the cocaine, then she was diagnosed with aids in 1986. She failed
to let me know this and continued to share needles with me..She must of been thinking misery loves company.. I had to find out the hard way that she had aids.. I visited her in the hospital and at that time the
drs and nurses were covered up in white gloves and masks..I couldnt believe my eyes....I asked whats wrong with her..Then the drs told me she had aids.....She never told me a thing and she knew for almost 2 yrs but
kept it to herself..Guess she thought id walk out on her or something..But i didnt and stayed by her side.
She passed away in 1992....I should of asked her alot more questions..but after she died, then i started to
question myself..Like..why didnt i see it in her..and at that time aids wasnt a girly thing..mostly among gay men, so we thought...It was a horror show...Watching her change from a beautiful women into a walking
skeleton..At that time there was only azt..and she sold her meds to get money for drug use..Alot of gay
men didn't want there family Dr's to know that they were positive, so they bought azt off the streets to
keep everything hidden....I know iam jumping from here to there with this post.. But thats how my minds
been working..Long story short..I learned 2 yrs after her that now i was hiv positive. MY tcells were 675 and i was told not to worry..Yeah right..easy for them to say...I didnt start meds till 2002 because of what i had
seen in the past of all who took azt...Most of them are dead now and when they were on there meds they
looked horrible......So i waited till my tcells dropped down to 27.. I felt strange, tired, weak and started to
get rashes..so i finally saw my dr. and she put me on meds.........My tcell count is 241 and it seems it never
gets past 300......Five yrs of meds. and still never have been beyond 300 tcells..
I feel better, but my body is starting to change..You know..The skinnylegs arms and big belly started last year,
so i just changed my meds from combivir to Truvada...It wont reverse whats already there, but it doesnt
have any azt in it and the dr. said it shouldnt progress..I hope he is right..We are still all ginny pigs and time
will tell whats good and whats not..At least i waited till there were cocktails out there.Maybe waited too long,
but better late than never..Right??..Ok enough..ha..probably bored you with my story that doesnt make
sense to anyone but me.............thanks for your time and patience...
Is there anyone in this group who is gay or am i the only one?  Need help with this..thanks again.

IzPoz:
Hey Ubotts,

I'm not gay, but do understand your story. You have a lot going through your mind right now, and that's understandable.

As for the lipo, I agree that it may not be reversed completely, but perhaps you can reverse some of it. I was able to lose some of the belly fat (2 inches!) and am going to try for more. But I exercised it off, which I've stopped, and am having a hard time getting back into it...

Just keep active, and keep focused. I hope that you find some comfort somewhere. Sounds to me like you need a shoulder. :-*

apple:
Hi Ubotts,

Well, whats been done has been done. I am glad to notice that you seem to have accepted your condition long time ago. Its indeed true that once the body start changing, it is difficult to accept. I was never told about the side effects of the drugs and when at first i started feeling numb in my legs, i thought nothing of the drugs, then i started developing the hump and belly and getting skinny legs and arms. In the end, i started researching more on the HIV drugs and that helped a lot.

It is okay i think to write and express oneself on this forum. I have found that there is always someone who has been through more or less the same experience as oneself. I am not gay but I was happy and sad at the same to read your story. It happened, but let us look into the future....there is hope.

Hugs and Love to you,

Apple

penguin:
no, you are not the only one  :)

kinda weird, minority within minority feeling, which pops up now and again for me...like, "so where do i fit?" in this hiv business. the answer, i eventually conclude, is "with everyone else".

I hope you can find the support you are looking for here - and thank you, for sharing a bit of your story with us.

kate


ubotts:
Hi and thank you ladies for your support...
and Hi Kate, glad to see iam not alone in being gay..ha
Well theres two of us now who have come out of the closet.
Having aids and being a lesbian, is like having to come out of the closet twice..For you other ladies,
Just image how it felt to tell people you hiv pos..Its harder than hell..
So was telling my family n friends i was gay...Infact, they handled gay quite well..as far as aids..oh boy,
that's a different story..Some people are so ignorant, when it comes to being positive...Some that found out
though someone whom i trusted with my health info, told others, which hurt...and the other now are
pulling there children away from me,,and when i was invited to a thanksgiving dinner, The table was set nicely
with pretty china, only my seat had a plastic plate, with plastic fork and knife..........I was so embarrassed, I got
up and walked out..One other girl walked out behind me as well..She wasn't positive, but she was gay and saw
the pain in my face as i tried to hold back the tears..I believe its harder to tell people your hiv positive than to
tell them your gay...
Geesh..2 huge closets to come out of........and i did....Not sorry I did it..It had to be done for my own
peace of mind...Now i just have to try an educate people that they cant catch hiv from hugs kisses or sipping from the same cup....You would thing people would know this already, but they don't and some don't want to know...Sad, very sad world we live in at times.............oh well i say La Dee DA my life will go on..

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