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Author Topic: NEW START  (Read 3319 times)

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Offline PJC0510

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  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
NEW START
« on: July 03, 2007, 02:35:39 PM »
So okay,  I tested positive in March of 2006 and was with my partner of 7 years.  He is negative.

I contracted HIV while in the relationship through stupidity, negligence, a few to many cocktails and being in an unhappy relationship on and off for those 7 years.

I accepeted the fact shortly after being diagnosed that I fucked up and have to live with the realization that I have this incurable disease.

My home life was quite difficult since March of 2006, every time we arguied he would always bring up the fact of my sluttiness, and how I fucked everything up and my diseased dick and how I have to live taking pills for the rest of my life.  I tried to work it out numerous times and then decided over Memorial Day weeekend this year to call it quits.  Fuck him, fuck the 8 years invested, I needed my sanity and a more tranquil home life free of stress.

The best part is that he was surprised I wanted to break up, go figure!  So we are  selling the condo and going our separate ways.  But even though I am in the other bedroom, he still loves to talk shit when he is drinking.  Same old crap he did before.  I know I hurt him and apologized for it, yeah go ahead and say I am a fuck up, I was and I admit that.

Since I tested pos and still in the relationship, I have only told my ex, my dentist, and a friend.  I do not want pity from my family of sympathy from my friends.  Save the lecture of not telling people, my choice thank you very much!

Now I am meeting people who I am interested in ( I know, we just broke up, but it was over for me since last Summer, we tried to make it work many times and it did not, I was missing romance and intimacy, the sex was also not there, would rather have romance and intimacy anyway.  Falling asleep on your lovers chest, hand holding in the street, palying footsies in the restaurant, the looks from each other across the room at a party, I have not had that in a long time...I craved it so very much) .  The first guy I met was a super guy, but he is in an open relatiinship, I love him for him, his company is awesome, we clicked right away.  I told him of my HIV as a friend, so it was not that hard to tell him. 

But there is another wonderful man I met, and we had met at a bar on a magical Sunday afternoon.  We talked and talked and made out, hung out with his friends.  Then he asked me back to his place, i told him I would love to, but it is a work night and I get up early, he said he would drive me home in the morning, I told him no, i could not ask him to do that, he said he wanted to do it.  So we went back to his place for the evening.  Did not go all the way, still have yet to (maybe tonight).  But he and I have so very much in common, more than my ex and I ever would.  We went on our first official date two days later.  After dinner we went back to his place and sat on his balcony and talked and made out.  I was never so nervous in all of my life, telling him was the hardest thing I ever did, including losing my mother at the age of 16.  So I straddled him and looked in his eyes and told him.  He sat there in kind of a haze and said he was not expecting that.  I totally explained pretty much what I wrote above, including the part where I knew I fucked up.  We then go off the subject and laughed about something silly like we do alot.  I told him I had to be totally honest, that he deserved to know and if he rejected me because of it, I would totally understand and not be mad or anything.  At that moment he took my head in his hands and kissed me passionately and said we can work through this and it is not a deal breaker.  I never felt so relieved and elated in my life.  My heart just started opening up when he said that. 

We are now making dates far into the calendar year, Ball Games the end of August, Kathy Griffin show in September, football games in the winter. 

I just wanted to share this with you all, and to let you know that I thought my life was over when I decided to end the relationship, I was so afraid I would be rejected due the HIV, but now I am finally started to enjoy life again!

And by the way, if you are curious, my numbers started at 150 TCells and they have risen to 470 since March 2006 and my VL is undetectable!

I wish you all a beauty filled day!

Peace, Love and Happiness to you all!
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: NEW START
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2007, 02:47:06 PM »
Great story, PJC! Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to many people that have not been able to have this "new start" going on for various reasons. I look forward a new start myself, and your story is encouraging.

And congrats about the numbers ! :)

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline ChaplinGuy

  • Member
  • Posts: 236
  • Eat my left foot
Re: NEW START
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2007, 03:57:00 PM »

Did you really say that telling him you were poz was harder than your mother passing? Dude, you've got to get your priorities in order. No offense, but I don't think you really mean that.

Only words are, be careful here. Especially about planning too far out. Been there. Done that. Might be setting yourself up for a hard fall if things don't work out.

Chap
(who can hear this story being told by PJC)

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: NEW START
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2007, 04:32:00 PM »
I am aware of the fact that I could be let down in the future, but I am just happy that someone accepted me as I am.  I have read so many posts here where people are afraid of the next step after HIV.  So I just thought I would throw this out there to give hope to them. 

And I am living for the now, he is the one making plans far out.

But thanks for the positive feedback, I am sure I will just sit and wait for it to end.  You seem like a downer, I may be mis-judging you, I just hate when peolple do that.

I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Bucko

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  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: NEW START
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2007, 06:02:31 PM »
PJ-

I am aware of the fact that I could be let down in the future, but I am just happy that someone accepted me as I am.  I have read so many posts here where people are afraid of the next step after HIV.  So I just thought I would throw this out there to give hope to them. 


When I pulled the plug on a nine-year relationship three years ago, people were shocked. They never understood the extent to which the partnership had devolved into toxicity.

I understand, and wish you well on this new beau. Only time will tell.

Brent
(Who really is a romantic at heart)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline milker

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Re: NEW START
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2007, 12:04:40 AM »
Did you really say that telling him you were poz was harder than your mother passing?
He said telling him he was poz was as hard as hearing that he lost his mother. It's about a very difficult time, that doesn't just end after telling or hearing the bad news.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: NEW START
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2007, 12:09:29 AM »
Did you really say that telling him you were poz was harder than your mother passing? Dude, you've got to get your priorities in order. No offense, but I don't think you really mean that.

Each of us react to difficult experiences in our lives in different ways. It may well be that receiving an HIV positive diagnosis is as hard as or harder than learning about the death of a loved one for some people.

It's really not your place to judge.

MtD

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: NEW START
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2007, 10:48:47 AM »
Did you really say that telling him you were poz was harder than your mother passing? Dude, you've got to get your priorities in order. No offense, but I don't think you really mean that.
 
The reason that I said that because my mother died of cancer at 50, a very young age for her and for me.  I miss her every day and think of her.   The cancer ravaged her body over four years before her passing, and she was not the mother I knew as the wonderful, fun loving, caring mother I wanted to her to be again pre-cancer.  Due to the amount of pain and suffering she had, for me it was the best to see her go.  As hard as that is to say, she was out of her misery.

I thank you guys for sticking up for me, but as we all know there will always be people out there who judge, be it good or bad.  We must deal with the judgements as we have all been doing since HIV came into our lives.

Have a Happy & Safe 4th,
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline ds4146

  • Member
  • Posts: 317
Re: NEW START
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2007, 10:56:00 AM »
Thank you for sharing that story! I rarely reply, just read and listen, but felt the need to let you know that your story is inspiring at a time when I can use it!

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: NEW START
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2007, 11:20:49 AM »
Quote
After dinner we went back to his place and sat on his balcony and talked and made out....So I straddled him and looked in his eyes and told him.

Jesus, May and Joseph - You certainly have a way of breaking news to someone, don't you? Thank God you didn't shock him into jumping up on the news or else this might have been a story written by you from the hospital in a body cast.

I can relate in many ways to your story.  For me it was a five year relationship that had not become outwardly toxic so much as cold and isolating.  Yet like your ex, mine was utterly surprised when I said it wasn't working and wanted to break up - I think some people think that misery loves company is an acceptable guide to relationships.

I do think you are starved for affection and good experiences and hope that you have now found them in the new guy.

Offline Carolann

  • Member
  • Posts: 233
Re: NEW START
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2007, 11:44:21 AM »
I am so glad to hear things are looking up for you. You cannot and should not stay with someone who views you as less for having contracted this. You have enough to deal with. I have had people throw that in my face and faced rejection, but being honest with someone you find potential in is the only way to go. I commend you for wanting to start things off on the right track. We all fuck up. Some of us pay a higher price, and some have nine lives. But the life we have is not worth living if we are so unhappy and know there is something better out there. In the book, The House on Mango Street, Sandra Cisneros talks of how her aunt spent a lifetime looking out of her livingroom window, knowing there was something better for her out there, but never taking the chance. I am glad you won\'t spend your life looking out of the window with an unfulfilling relationship, because pretty soon that window closes and all we are left with is a dark room.

Hugs,

CA

Offline lucas clay

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: NEW START
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2007, 04:44:11 PM »
I love hearing about things going well for people here.
Good luck on your new relationship.

                                                Lucas

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,974
Re: NEW START
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2007, 08:55:34 PM »
Hey, I, as going along with the majority of the other people, hope everything goes up from here.  That's great about your numbers also!  You deserve some peace.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: NEW START
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2007, 09:06:26 AM »
Just an update.

Yesterday my guy and I spent a great 4th together, we were at his place with his friends and my  best girlfriend.  We had a great time and he asked me if I wanted to stay, and I asked if he wanted me to and he said yes.

As we layed in bed, we had a great talk about us.  He said we was worried for me, not because of the HIV, just that I am  newlly out of a relationship.  I told hime that yes it is recent that I got out, but the relationship was over a long time ago.  He asked me if this is where I want to be, because this is where he wants to be.  I told him yes, this is exactly where I want to be.

Then we drifted off to sleep, his head on my chest.

So far so good, only time will tell.

Have a great day!
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: NEW START
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2007, 05:17:33 PM »
sweet story, PJC, I wish you both the best! ;D
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: NEW START
« Reply #15 on: July 06, 2007, 10:04:44 AM »
I'm glad that you met somebody nice and were able to disclose to him.  More importantly, he seems to have accepted what you told him.  Go ahead, plan things for the future like you have.  If things don't work out, you wouldn't want to do those things anyway, so there's nothing lost.  Sometimes, lasting relationships do happen that quickly.  My husband and I met online and spent 13 of the next 14 days together.  When I think back to when we met in May 1999, it seems like such a long time ago, like he's always been a part of my life.  Have fun and I wish you two the best.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: NEW START
« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2007, 01:56:22 AM »
First of all everybody makes mistakes....beating yourself up about it only makes things worse.  I'm glad you found the courage
to walk out of a abusive relationship and begin again.  Unfortunately, its necessary sometimes.  Whether your current relationship
works out or not....I believe you did the right thing by reclaiming your life and moving forward. 
A Big Thumbs Up good buddy :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline Florida69

  • Member
  • Posts: 428
Re: NEW START
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2007, 04:37:37 PM »
Good for you... D

[attachment deleted by admin]
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: NEW START
« Reply #18 on: July 19, 2007, 04:02:28 PM »
Just a quick update.

It has been a month for me and the new guy, I see nothing in the near future that can derail what we have.  I know it is still new, but we all have to start some where with relationships.

We have the next 6 weekends planned together, so that is a good sign!

Thats it!  keep thinking good thoughts and remember, only you can make a change in your life!

Peter
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: NEW START
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2007, 09:34:30 AM »
Just an update since I have not been on in forever!  First off I hope you all are doing well!

So Mr. Wonderful turned out to be Mr. Wishy Washy!  He seemed to be wanting to see less and less of me.  We had a talk one evening prior to him going to France for a week with a female friend.  he told me that he could not give me the time I wanted, that he is very noncommittal to plans and it was not fair to me.  I accepted all that and told him I had a great summer (which I really did, I regret not a minute of it.)  It was a rebound thing for both of us and I really appreciated the fact that he accepted me as a POZ guy!  He did say thanks for being me and I am very special person, made me feel good!

So now he arrives back from France and sends me a text (hardly picks up the phone to call) and asks me how I am, how is my new place...I told him I was pleasantly surprised he contacted me so soon...then he tells me he wants me to spend the night, no questions asked.  So I decided to go and spend thenight and I felt quite weird going back to his place after 2 1/2 weeks of no contact.  The sex was okay, not as intense on my end as before.  As I was leaving the next morning he said it was just sex and nothing changed about us.  I kind of figured that, just a booty call.  As I  walked to the train station feeling like Liz Taylor in Butterfield 8 I realized that I am better than a booty call.  I wanted more from a guy.  So the next two times he texted me for a piece, I said NO!  The last time I left the door wide open for a date.  Via text (of course) I asked him how he was doing and what his plans were for the weekend, maybe we can grab dinner.  Well Friday he had his yoga and will go for dinner with some friends and Saturday he was hanging out with the girl he went to France with.  So I asked if he wanted to grab a bite that night (a Thursday) and he politely said no thanks.  Okay, I tried so I just left it at that!  Then I receive a message that I make him so horny and for me to come and spend the night!  I was like no fucking way, if a date was involved then I would have, but he did not want that.  I told him that and he really wanted me to come over.  I said that it was to late (10PM) since I have to get up early.  I told him maybe Friday night (thinking he may ask me to join him and his friends for dinner) 

I had a date the next night with a really nice POZ guy who has been that way since 1987.  So I tuned off my phone on the date and then I get a text that said he was at the bar and it was boring, the next one said, "You are a total tease, I know you are getting my messages!"  When I got that I was laughing!  I thought finally at 42 years old I am a booty call and a total tease!  LOL!  Now mind you he is an attractive guy and can easily pick up, but he wanted little ol' me! 

So I am still seeing the POZ guy who is 5 years older than I.  He is really nice.  We see each other a few times a week, spend the night.  It is quit nice!

Now the really good news.  In April my TCells were up to 470.  Then with all the drama form living with my ex, they dropped to 390 in July.  I was quite concerned since they were steadily going up from the 130 I started at in March of 2006.  I  just received my results yesterday and they went up to 513!  I was so elated to hear that!  All the while my Viral Load was undetectable!

That is all for now!

I wish you all a day filled with beauty, love and laughter!

Peter
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

 


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