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Author Topic: Well Bless My Back Door  (Read 6912 times)

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Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,244
  • Ninja Please
Well Bless My Back Door
« on: July 02, 2007, 09:44:03 PM »
Dear Lesser Members of the Species,

True to his word, Matty the Damned had an appointment with the Almighty Frau Eva yesterday to discuss amongst other things, his blood pressure. She gave him medication for it and some free Valtrex for anal herpes.

And, seeing as it was a cold July day, she took the opportunity to look up my bunghole. Well, she and the medical student that was sitting in with her. A slightly bug eyed and diminuitive young Indian chap whose name I can't pronounce. So I've designated him Nervous Indian Student.

Now unlike many, Matty the Damned has no problems with having his pooper prodded by doctors and nurses. Considering that a sizeable proportion of the male population of Boolaboolabongbong and surrounding districts have examined his little treasure on numerous occasions it seems a bit precious to carry on when clinical types want to take a gander at it.

So I promptly dropped trou, assumed the position on the examination bed, presented my succulent flesh daisy and under Frau Eva's heavy browed and watchful eye, Nervous Indian Student donned latex gloves proceeded to make a hesitant examination. It went something like this:

NIS: Um, ok just relax.
MtD: Oh I'm relaxed honey.
NIS: -hesitates-
MtD: No need to be shy. Many have gone before you. Come on Fingers, get into it!
NIS: Um, great, ok um um. -prods lightly-
MtD: Good lord son, put some muscle into it! The fucker will stretch a mile before it tears an inch. Bigger things than your digits have been in there.
Eva: Ok, I think I might take over now.


Honestly, you wonder how they're ever meant to learn anything.

Shortly after this something strange happened. Something that has never happened in any medical appointment I've ever had.

Eva: So, have you had sex since last I saw you?
MtD: Yup. I've been fucking my friends partner.
Eva: Using protection?
MtD: What do you reckon?
Eva: Of course. We'll do a full STD screen. But I'm required by law to have a discussion with you about disclosure.
MtD: What?
Eva: Disclosure. Your obligations under the Public Health Act 1991.
MtD Fuck me dead, don't tell me you've bought into this bullshit as well . . .


That's right. Fucking disclosure. During a doctor's appointment. It's not enough that every second thread of the cretinous prattle that passes for debate in this place is about disclosure, now I'm copping it at my medical appointments. Not once in the 17 years that I've been going to STD clinics have I ever been asked about disclosure.

It turns out that since there's been a spate of prosecutions down here regarding failure to disclose, doctors now have to "have the chat" with their HIV positive clients. For legal reasons. It's utterly outrageous and I place the blame squarely on you people.

That's right, you lot.

Just because people are too drunk, stoned or just plain fucking dumb to insist that their partners use condoms is not a reason that the rest of us have to be subjected to this disclosure drivel on every possible occasion. Everywhere I go there's some fool chattering on about disclosure.

To quote Aunty Doxie, it's starting to get on my last gay nerve.

But enough with the angry rant. I should have my blood test and other results back sometime next week. Provided I've not dropped dead of a rage induced stroke.

MtD

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2007, 10:19:23 PM »
I would have love to been there when you disclosed. ("Mark, Bill, Tim, oh Tim twice, John, Fred, oh I was with him three times. He's good. Tracy, and the mate I don't remember his name but I do his member.")  :D

Offline milker

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  • Protected phone sex
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2007, 10:47:18 PM »
If you have any question about disclosure, do not hesitate to ask me :)

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline Bucko

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  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2007, 11:33:58 PM »
Darling-

Have damnation and depravity finally met their match? As terrible as things may be here occasionally, we do not yet have the bum squad.

Buckles
(Who is equally outraged)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

Offline fearless

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,191
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2007, 11:37:42 PM »
I feel very sorry for poor little NIS. You're a shit stirrer, MtD, and I'm sure little NIS wondered what hit him. I wonder if NIS has now decided that medicine is not for him.
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline Tempeboy

  • Member
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  • Like St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2007, 05:59:48 AM »
So how's the blood pressure?  Did the procedure help with that?

 ::)
Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Dean Kiley

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2007, 08:36:36 AM »
Another Matty Classic. You gotta LOVE this guy!

How is the BP?
Positive since 1985

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2007, 09:32:10 AM »
I do declare, you're posterior sounds superior!  The poor NIS didn't know what to think of this scoundrel matty the damned. 

But sir, you NEVER DISCLOSED YOUR BP!!!

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,429
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2007, 10:05:16 AM »
"Succulent flesh daisy"

LOVE IT!

I must remember that when next I am subjected to a NIS.

Now, disclose honey. What was that BP?

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,052
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2007, 12:47:18 PM »
I think one encounter with your bum made NIS question his career and sexual orientation.

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2007, 01:35:39 PM »
Now we all know Matty was laughing his ass off going out the door. Picking on that new intern like that. Matty, you should have let him get to know first. Two fingers up your bum is in no way getting to know you. ;)

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2007, 03:32:59 PM »
I'm sure you flirting with NIS definitely made for good conversation with him telling his own version of your appointment. And how dare Frau give you the disclosure chat, now that just sucks. Now, how would ya like a little Queen in ya? ;) 
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,999
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2007, 04:30:44 PM »
                       OVERHEARD IN THE EXAMINATION ROOM


NIS: What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?

Matty: I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk.
Get you love drunk off my hump.

Frau Eva: His hump, his hump, his hump, his hump, his hump,
his hump, his hump, his hump, his lovely little lumps. (check it out)


Offline Robert

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2007, 05:18:51 PM »
was NIS the same guy they picked up at the airport, trying to flee the country? 

robert
..........

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2007, 05:57:20 PM »
was NIS the same guy they picked up at the airport, trying to flee the country? 


LMAO  ;D

Offline Christine

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  • Posts: 1,069
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2007, 06:20:32 PM »
hee..hee....messing with medical students. Always fun. Makes the appointments go faster.

I am glad you went to see Frau Eva about the blood pressure. Sending you good thoughts that the bp drops, and drops...

Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #16 on: July 04, 2007, 12:47:17 AM »
My BP results?

Oh they were atrocious. We finally settled on a result of 190/120 and the Frau made threatening references to hospital. I uttered profane refusals, she issued me with some stop gap medication to reduce the immediate risk of stroke and flicked the matter back to my GP, Lady Jane for a more considered review.

NIS just sorta sat in the background looking vaguely ill.

MtD

Offline scud44

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  • Posts: 393
  • I am watching you
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #17 on: July 04, 2007, 03:15:20 PM »
Anoter gem, Matty.
I can well imagine that the NIS has given up any medical prospects and has moved on to that other popular vocation for Indian medicos - Terrorism!

All the best from a bit further south - Hobart

Regards
Scud44
CD4 = 110 - 30 July 2007 - 10%
VL = 139000 - 30 July 2007
CD4 = 252 - 6th August 2007
VL = 16400 - 23rd August 2007
CD4 = 240 - 23rd August 2007
VL = 400 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 96 - 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 120 18th Sept 2007
VL = 386000 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 160 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 110 10th Jan 2008
CD4 = 311 29th Jan 2008
VL = <50 29th Jan 2008
CD4 = 148 2nd April 2008
VL = 110,000 2nd April 2008
June 2010 and nothing has improved

Offline Ronald1958

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    • My website
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #18 on: July 04, 2007, 04:18:11 PM »
 ;D  hehehehehe very funny!  You are sooooooooooooooooo funny - even when you get aggravated!!  Hope everything works out with you!

Ron
diagnosed PML Nov 1999

was t-cells 10 and VL 500,000+

as of 11/15/06  - t-cells 789; VL undetectable again and has been since July '01

Offline lucas clay

  • Member
  • Posts: 518
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2007, 04:24:11 PM »
B.P. for me is a tricky thing, up and down. high and normal.
Hope you get yours down more in the normal range.

                                                     Lucas

Offline BT65

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  • Member
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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2007, 09:03:24 PM »
Gotta love MtD.  You always bring a smile to my face, my friend.  I sure hope your bp comes down and soon!  Please let us know how that's going.  My bp is always on the low side (80/50..).
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2007, 10:37:51 PM »
But how is your tushy?
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #22 on: July 05, 2007, 05:46:59 AM »
Queenie, two little fingers didn't phase Matty dearest. It wasn't even a good tease for him.  ;)

Offline Nadine

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2007, 05:56:02 AM »
Queenie, two little fingers didn't phase Matty dearest. It wasn't even a good tease for him.  ;)

 :D

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #24 on: July 05, 2007, 07:24:57 AM »
Here on the Rock, there is a band called "Back Door Slam" and I think of them everytime I see the title of this thread. Oh dear.

Maybe I'll send you their CD and you can pass it on to NIS to remember you by always. ;D

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,325
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2007, 02:21:55 PM »
Maybe I'll send you their CD and you can pass it on to NIS to remember you by always. ;D



I'll bet he'll remember him always anyway.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline tigger2376

  • Member
  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2007, 06:58:59 PM »
For some strange reason this reminded me of the poems 'CATS' is based on...probably because of the mystery cat...but in this case 'MyCavity'....sorry, that really did just pop into my head.
And if the students can't take it,they shouldn't be in the job! (but please, no more foreign doctors in UK please, we'!re having a little local difficulty!)
And that is NOT intended to be offensive to vast majority of hard working dedicated medics EVERYWHERE, just English humour trying to deal with the situation  ;)
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline Sky

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #27 on: July 05, 2007, 09:33:53 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
MtD you are the best!!!  Love ya babe!  I am very sorry to hear about your rear though, but you're a trooper so I know you're ok  :)
Poz since 2003.

Offline Nico

  • Member
  • Posts: 262
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #28 on: July 05, 2007, 09:41:42 PM »
Matty,
You brave soul!  Legs high in the air - defying gravity.  Yet, ye who yonder the regions of Matty's "out back", beckons from within...a small faint voice..."pull me out"!  :P  I am sure the NIS was trying to grab the rope.

Hugs and helium heels!
Rog 
Poz since 1990.

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #29 on: July 06, 2007, 05:06:19 AM »
Who started this, "Those that cure you will kill you?" Hell that's nothing new, I thought we all knew that. I think that saying goes for all groups. NO Profiling please.  ;)

Matty, how's the B/P doing on meds?

Offline Basquo

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #30 on: July 06, 2007, 12:40:08 PM »

Dear Lesser Members of the Species,


Funny story, and I hope the blood pressure gets fixed. Is your salutation a quote from a book or film?

Offline Florida69

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #31 on: July 06, 2007, 01:51:12 PM »
LMAOF......



[attachment deleted by admin]
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline david25luvit

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #32 on: July 06, 2007, 01:51:46 PM »
Talk about being a fly on the wall....What I wouldn't have given to see that little examination :P

As for disclosure, Matty.....did they ask for names, dates
and sexual proclivities of your anal groupies???

Just curious.............. :P
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline thirtysomething

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #33 on: July 06, 2007, 07:41:37 PM »
Quote
I can well imagine that the NIS has given up any medical prospects and has moved on to that other popular vocation for Indian medicos - Terrorism!

This is not funny at all ! Please don't make generalized statement. My first ex is an Indian (so am I) and a doctor and he is out there saving lives of guys like you!
« Last Edit: July 06, 2007, 07:50:12 PM by thirtysomething »

Offline tigger2376

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  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #34 on: July 06, 2007, 09:49:50 PM »
I'm sorrry OFFS get a sense of humour! OK, you have the right to express your opinion but PLEASE, take this thread how its meant, with irony....Sorry just POTF with people who cant cope with the 'twisted' method of coping with this. I dont offend deliberately but for Fs sake, no harm or offense was meant.......... >:(
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Offline newbernswiss

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #35 on: July 06, 2007, 10:03:39 PM »
I'm speechless....but loved it...

Offline Lisa

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #36 on: July 06, 2007, 11:26:37 PM »
I have been LMOA from the first post of this thread. My sides hurt so bad! Oh shit!
If it helps you my demon friend, I was found to be criminally hypertensive at my last review as well.
Does the equation of 210/106 mean anything to you? Tee Heeeeee........
I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all  the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.
My perfectly regrown hymen was ruined. Alas I am worth nothing on the open market.
Bless my cherry....it has been fouled again.......Damn the nine years of chastity. >:(
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #37 on: July 07, 2007, 05:33:55 AM »
I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all  the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.


hehehe.... at least you limited yourself to a polite "hey"! eh? The last time I was faced with a ratcheting speculum I shouted something more along the lines of "OW! WTFFFFF!!!!!" Damn they get carried away with that thing! I'm sure I saw a speculum in the Tower of London's dungeon display. Sheesh! ::)

Ann
(who has empathy for Lisa's now-tattered hymen)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,429
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #38 on: July 07, 2007, 05:21:41 PM »
Well Lisa, I think I have you beat. I know I had sex right after Clinton was elected the first time. I think that was the last time anybody has dallied in my valley.

So, that means its been WAY too many years. I regrew my cherry, for all the good it did. Now, unlike MtD's "flesh daisy," I have a condemned label - and the cherry has mysteriously turned into a prune?!?

And people wonder why I get excited at the thought of an anal pap smear.  :o


HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline MoltenStorm

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  • Poz & Fabulous
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #39 on: July 07, 2007, 07:22:34 PM »
And how are the butt flowers, MtD? Shall we be giving 1-800-Flowers a little competition any time soon?

(Hilarious story, btw)
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #40 on: July 08, 2007, 01:23:15 AM »
Well the whore's blossoms had healed by the time Frau Eva and NIS had the singular honour of looking Matty the Damned squarely in his brown eye.

The Frau loaded me up with 10 free Valtrex tabs and took an HSV antibody test. I'm told that even if I'm antibody negative I may still have herpes. I'm pretty sure it is herpes. I've had just about every other STD known to man and beast (and probably a few that haven't been discovered yet) so it seems appropriate.

MtD

Offline Tempeboy

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  • Like St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty
Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #41 on: July 08, 2007, 02:48:52 AM »
Your poor little chocolate starfish!  He must live in fear, or is he the undoing of MTD?

 :-*
Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Dean Kiley

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #42 on: July 08, 2007, 07:42:17 PM »
Matty, I have an idea that your own personal LPT port is much like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.  A mysterious golden light must shine when people open it.

At least, that's how I'm imagining your appointment... Frau Eva and NIS gazing at your butt with this heavenly light shining upon them as they gaze upon your plumbing with awe and wonder.  That makes me happy.

Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Well Bless My Back Door
« Reply #43 on: July 08, 2007, 08:00:29 PM »
I personally can't wait until MtD goes to another DR appointment.
Positive since 1985

 


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