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Author Topic: Anyone think of Suicide?  (Read 15367 times)

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Offline JamieD

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  • Posts: 259
Anyone think of Suicide?
« on: June 30, 2007, 04:47:55 AM »
Hi Everyone!!!!

Okay, this is going to be a long drawn out post, so please try to bear with me and ask me for any clarification on any issues.

I just found out that I was HIV+ last Monday, not this one that just passed but the one before that. I am absolutely devestated. Not only did I find out that I am HIV+, but also that I have progressed to "AIDS". My CD4 count was 68, and my Viral Load was 93,000. I know for a fact the longest I could have been infected was 2 years and maybe a few months. I tested negative in December of 2004, February of 2005, and March of 2005, and I also gave blood in April of 2005. So I had to have contracted it sometime between December of 2004 and June of 2007. How did I progress to "AIDS" so quickly? I know that I naturally had CD4 cells hovering around 400, because my one physician used to monitor all of those things on me as if though I was already positive. Over the course of an entire year, before I was positive I had CD4 cells in the 400-425 range and he said that that was perfectly normal for some people.
Anywho, so fast forward to June 2007. I haven't been sexually active in almost 2 years, hence not getting an HIV test for so long. The only reason I got it was because I have felt extremely fatigued for about 4 months now, and there was no other reasonable explanation for my fatigue. My doctor has been extremely sympathetic and understanding and I thank him so much for all that he has done, but it's still not enough. I feel like I am having a constant panick attack. I feel restless inside, compelled to move, with a constant sense of impending doom. That's the worst part, I feel like all of a sudden something terrible is going to fall out of the sky. I just don't know what to do.
My boyfriend has dumped me, because he believed me to be unfaithful, even though we weren't having sex together and I hadn't had sex with anyone in a few years. He says even if I was being faithful that he is still afraid of me, and doesn't know if he could ever touch me again. He told me some sob story about how 3 people he has known have told him recently about being infected, and I am not quite sure what he was trying to prove by saying that to me. Probably trying to make me agree that we shouldn't be together since he would be at risk too (except for the fact that we weren't having sex together.... DUH!!!!). But anywho, so on top of finding out that I am HIV+ and also progressed to AIDS I get dumped by someone during the most vulnerable time of my life.
My doctor's seem to think the prognosis is really good for me, for some reason or another. I am not as enthusiastic as they are. I hate to say this, because they'll seem like bad doctors when they're actually really good ones, but my doctor actually didn't even think HAART was entirely necessary at this point in time. He definetly wanted me on prophylaxis, but seemed otherwise not concerned with what is going on. He said for someone who has a CD4 count of 68 that I am remarkably healthy, possibly even healthier then other patients he has who are not HIV+. I opted for HAART though anyway, just incase. I am really hoping that it does something for this fatigue, because it is gawdaweful. Since about February I have been so sleepy during the day.
Anywho, sorry I get off topic, so I am feeling extremely suicidal. This is not the first, or the last time I attempt suicide in my life. I recently got out of a psychiatric hospitalisation because of being suicidal, in which I had a very real plan to commit suicide.
I don't know what to do. I really feel like suicide is the only way out of this. I have too much on my plate to deal with. I know the whole "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" shabang and I really don't want to hear it. Everyone thought that putting me in a mental institution was going to help, and it didn't. Just as I said it wouldn't. The problem the entire time I was there is that I am so restless and in a constant state of panic, and locking me in a confined space does not help that AT ALL. Not even a teeny tiny bit. I felt like I had a motor attached to me, and was about to go over the side of a building for about 4 days. It was aweful.
I feel miserable. I am trying to have a positive outlook on life, and try to make this a positive thing, but its hard. Its hard when your boyfriend dumps you cause he thinks you're a freak now. I am afraid I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Or I will be doomed to finding men in the DC club scene, and never have a relationship with any substance.

Sorry for the rant, be back later.


Jamie
« Last Edit: June 30, 2007, 05:07:00 AM by JamieD »

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2007, 05:31:48 AM »
Anywho, sorry I get off topic, so I am feeling extremely suicidal. This is not the first, or the last time I attempt suicide in my life. I recently got out of a psychiatric hospitalisation because of being suicidal, in which I had a very real plan to commit suicide.
I don't know what to do. I really feel like suicide is the only way out of this. I have too much on my plate to deal with. I know the whole "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" shabang and I really don't want to hear it. Everyone thought that putting me in a mental institution was going to help, and it didn't. Just as I said it wouldn't. The problem the entire time I was there is that I am so restless and in a constant state of panic, and locking me in a confined space does not help that AT ALL. Not even a teeny tiny bit. I felt like I had a motor attached to me, and was about to go over the side of a building for about 4 days. It was aweful.


Hey Jamie,

Matty the Damned is hearing you babe. It's clear you're carrying an awfully heavy burden, and whilst I respect your feelings about suicide, I'm guessing that your mind is far from made up. It's pretty clear that you wanna talk.

Which is good. Talking is something we're pretty good at around here. :)

And therein lies a kernel of hope. The fact that you're still reaching out for help means that this party is far from over.

I'm not going to chuck a whole lot of platitudes on you at this point. I'm just posting to welcome you to our Forums and to say we're here to listen.

Fondly,

MtD

Offline Ann

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2007, 06:28:58 AM »
Jamie,

If you are seriously contemplating suicide, please take yourself to the nearest hospital emergency room and let them know how you're feeling.

Normally, when a patient is discharged from a mental health facility, they are given follow-up appointments with a counselor or therapist. If you haven't been attending these appointments, then maybe you could reconsider. If the therapist you were assigned to isn't someone you feel comfortable with, you do have the right to ask for someone different.

Life with hiv isn't a bed of roses, but it is possible to have a good quality of life and it is also possible to have intimate long term relationships. I'm in one myself and so are many other members here. I'm also content with my life, despite being hiv positive for over ten years.

Hang in there Jamie, it does get better.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline anniebc

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2007, 07:49:02 AM »
Hi Jamie

Welcome, I'm glad you found your way to us, you will find a lot of support  from the guys here..they really are a great bunch.

If the views you have expressed here about your future have seriously got you thinking about suicide then please you really have to talk to someone, and keep talking until someone gets it and understands how you are feeling.

You have already taken a huge step by coming here and talking about it, as Matty said, if you are reaching out then it not over..even though it may not sound like it right now, the future has a lot to offer, but you need to stay around and be ready to grab hold of all the good things that will eventually come your way.

Call in tomorrow and let us know how your day/night went.

I live in New Zealand so I have no idea what time difference we have between us...but I will be looking out for you as soon as I log on tomorrow.

Please take care until then

Hugs
Jan :-*





 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2007, 08:59:29 AM »
Jamie, as others have already said well, you're dealing with some tough stuff.

You know that. The thing about some of the darker feelings you have expressed is that even though they (really!) won't last forever, when you are having them they are so intense that it seems as if nothing will ever get better. But the truth is emotions that seem forever change all the time. Including the happier ones. That's just how we're wired and how life goes.

Ann has it right. If you're considering acting on your suicidal impulses, (and it may or may not matter to you but those thoughts are ones which you share with many others here), then you need to get to your nearest emergency room and tell them what's up. Right now!

If you are able to control your impulses then I suggest you seek out a therapist to get support with dealing with the issues and challenges you are talking about. I'm a big believer in the value of putting thoughts and feelings into words. It's not a magical cure, but then you I suggest solid and real support and talking work, not magic, is an effective tool. 

I'm also concerned about what you have said about your doctors. One of the most essential tools for dealing with HIV effectively is to have a good working alliance with your doctor. If you feel you can't have that with your current doctor then I suggest that you be looking around to find someone you feel good about and whom you feel is really listening when you have something to say or to ask.

Or am I making a new problem for you by bringing that up?

In the final analysis I don't see there's anything anyone can do to prevent suicide if someone is determined about it. What I do know for sure is there is support here and elsewhere if you will seek it out. That requires your making an effort to getting through this difficult time.

Some of what you described such as the situation with your boyfriend implies there were issues going on before HIV came into the picture. Again, a professional maybe helpful in sorting some of that out. That "sorting out" will require some work on your part. Which may not be what you want to hear at this moment. I do agree with you that what he said about others in his life being newly infected is some kind of cop out that I'm not buying either.

Granted, I come from the prejudiced viewpoint that at its best life is way too short and I am committed to staying around in this mess as long as possible.   

Keep us posted on how things are going. And let me know if what I have said is dumb and not helpful.

 
« Last Edit: June 30, 2007, 09:03:06 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2007, 09:38:58 AM »
Good Morning Jamie

I'm so glad you found this web site and reached out. You've already received good advice and insights. I wanted to share a couple of observations about what you wrote.

You took the time to monitor your status over time, so I'm sure the news hit quite hard especially after a long no-relationship period. It shows me that when you're not fighting demons, you care greatly about your health. Add to that, your decision to opt for HAART based on your knowledge.

Plus, you obviously care about others as evidenced by your donating blood. I recall being saddened by no longer being able to give blood or apheresis after my diagnosis. BUT, you will simply figure out other ways to benefit others when you're ready.

I want to clarify I'm not a medical professional. However, from what you describe about your physical feelings of panic while hospitalized ( in what sounds like a setting less than optimal for you) you were either over- or under-medicated or perhaps not receiving any meds at all. Taking that incredible edge off of daily episodes of anxiety attacks and or depression should be discussed with your doc. And, the length of time it may take for you to reach a level of calm.

I agree with Andy that having the right doc on your team is key. It makes a huge difference in your attitude toward everything! There are times when you just don't want to be driving the bus and health issues are certainly when you want to feel a high level of confidence in your caregivers.

While I'm sorry for you that your relationship ended at such a vulnerable time, you may find that you'll be able to take that energy you expended outward and focus it on yourself. That's important right now. Treat yourself well. Figure out if you want to trust someone with whom you can share your burden. If so, determine who that person is. Do what it is that you enjoy or that brings you peace and calm--whether that is walking, reading, going to the movies, exercise, a special park or cafe, etc.

For a time, you'll feel like you're living in a parfait created of layers of ups/downs/voids/nonsense/confusion/joy/laughter/sadness. Hmmm. Reads like the parfait of life, doesn't it? Some layers taste better than others, but they are just layers through which to work.

You are very much in control of how this will go, don't lose sight of that.

Em

Offline Tempeboy

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  • Like St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2007, 10:14:39 AM »
Hey Jamie,

Some links that might be useful.

Talk with someone - it might help.

wishing you well.

J.


links removed following welcome advice from other members.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2007, 07:37:30 PM by Tempeboy »
Roughly roundabout somewhere in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, Sodomite begat Homosexual out of moral, medical and legal models, bequeathing him Identity, who inbred with Nuclear Family and Industrialism to spawn Homophobia.

Dean Kiley

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2007, 01:50:19 PM »
Hello Jamie,

I have never thought about suicide, either prior to contracting HIV or after receiving that HIV diagnosis. I've been HIV positive since 1985, and taking all things into account, I am doing OK ! I am grateful for everyday that comes along.

Jamie, you may not believe it right now, but you have a future ahead of you. But as the others have stated, you will need to sit down and discuss this with others, that can help you along this path. You have come to a good place here to discuss things, but remember you still need ( we all need) to be able to talk face to face with others. None of us can do it alone. You'll get through this tough time, and you will end up being a long term survivor, like so many of us !!


Hang tight, breathe and relax-----Ray

Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline JamieD

  • Member
  • Posts: 259
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2007, 01:54:49 PM »
Hey Guys!

I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I have read all of your replies, and that I will post more when I get a chance. I have been sleeping very poorly and am kind of "zonky-ed" out right now.

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2007, 02:03:52 PM »
Jamie,

Get some much needed rest, and when your ready to post again we will all be here !


Take care----Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2007, 04:55:19 PM »
Jamie,

Sorry you're having a rough go of things. It can be quite a shock to test positive, and then to have all the rest dumped on you must feel unbearable. The only suggestion I can add to what the others have posted is that you try not to think about the whole picture at this point, or try to foresee the future. One thing at a time is enough for anyone to handle.

I have been suicidal too, in the distant past, and yet oddly not since I tested positive 18 years ago. Certainly life has its difficulties – for everyone – but they are all surmountable (even if you don’t think so or believe that today).

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline JamieD

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  • Posts: 259
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2007, 05:16:01 PM »
Okay, more time to reply.

I do want to thank everyone for their advice. Believe it or not it REALLY is helpful. It really is helpful to know that not all (or even a small minority) of HIV+ persuns are down in the dumps praying for death. I mean, I know it seems so obvious to realise that thats not what every HIV+ persun is like, but when you are as upset as I am its kind of hard to see the forest through the trees.
Unlike the CDC predictions, neither myself nor anyone I know even knows someone who is HIV+, nor do I or anyone I know know anyone who has died from AIDS. You honestly really don't hear much about HIV outside of the sensationalist news reports we get about anything relating to HIV. I never thought it would hit me so close to home. I'm still in shock. I just never thought it would be me. I never used drugs, except for experimenting with MJ once, I wasn't a club head, a prostitute or anything. I was just a normal college student. I feel like my life is all out of whack now. But it really does help to know that there are people living fufilling lives, even if I am not living one myself.

As to my suicide.... I am really not sure where I am at right now. I am trying to be calm, and rational about the situation. I am trying to turn this into a "positive" (no pun intended) experience and take this as a time to turn my life around. Before I was "positive" I lived a life of self abuse and self torture, but I was always trying to make my way out of it. I have been recovered from my Eating Disorder for over 2 years now, and I really wanted to be on the right track. Now with all this I just feel like giving up. I feel like just throwing in the towel and calling it quits. There is no way out of being HIV+. I could recover from Bulimia and depression and self abuse. I can't recover from this.

I don't know what to do. Thank you all for your support, and I hope I continue to get more.

Offline englishgirl

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2007, 05:18:21 PM »
jamie

i sympathise as i have been in that dark place in the past. for me i find antidepressants curb the impulses. i got the doctor to up my dosage when i tested positive as i felt i needed a little extra help coping.

as for your numbers, when my ex tested poz his numbers were far worse than yours, he had a handful of cd4 and vl in the hundreds of thousands, but was walking around appearing healthy. he believes that he had only contracted about a year before but who knows. everyone's progression from infection to requiring meds is different, and your progression is not an indicator of how well you will do in the future. now nearly 2 years on he's healthy as an ox again thanks to the meds. he has zero vl and cd4 that is about double mine. this is why your doctor is optimistic.
 
im sorry your bf has cleared off, but you can get through this without him. i recommend that you seek out services and support groups in your area, you will meet other pozzies who will be able to give you support and help you through this.

lastly, please dont give up, because currently youre in a state of shock and grieving for both your diagnosis and your relationship. for me and for many others here the diagnosis has actually brought about changes in life that we have benefited from. obviously none of us wanted to be in this situation but it can give you a new perspective on what is important in life. in a year or two maybe you will feel the same. at the moment tho you just have to take one day at a time and try not to let everything overwhelm you.

i wish you all the best, please feel free to PM me
xxx
ACT NOW TO CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE TRAVEL BAN:
http://campaigning.tht.org.uk/cms/cmsloader?WfJVLp&view=11,301,1385,0,-html

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=17352.0


"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

Offline Merlin

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2007, 09:26:20 PM »
Hey Jamie, I will write more soon. But meanwhile, just take a good look at the CD4/VL numbers of many forum friends here and you will realise many are fierce warriors and humble survivors.
Look at dear Ray, (JRE), his numbers were very very challenging when he started but he is still strutting his happy feet. So, take more time to find support groups nearest to you, or if confidentiality is your current issue if u feel it, then just post here and u will not be alone.

I will spare u the cliche that life is worth living and u owe it to yourself and blah blah blah, but hey, but if u seriously pause and rewind, you'll agree that life is more than reacting to circumstances.
Hang in there Jamie; you'd be very surprised how much more you'll discover about yourself and the surroundings around u hereon. Stay calm and well.  :)

Blessed Be!

Michael
I'll leave Hatred to those not strong enough to Love.

                            +++

Believe & The Power Of The Mind Transforms.
Make It Happen...

                            +++

I blame them for nothing.
I forgive them for everything.

---->> Mary J. Blige on dysfuctional parents

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2007, 08:52:03 AM »
Jamie, not getting enough sleep can make already challenging situations seem even more overwhelming. Your body and your mind need rest.

Getting some good nights of sleep under your belt won't solve all of your life's problems but might make a big difference in how you look at things.

Hoping you can healthily get some good snooze time in.

Too often when someone can't sleep they respond by tossing and turning and getting upset about it. Which only exacerbates the situation.

When I have had bouts of sleeplessness I've found that simply laying stretched out in bed, maybe listening to restful music, really helps. The deep and slow breathing I often mention for anxious situations is also helpful.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline appleboy

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2007, 01:35:49 PM »
Jamie,
I agree with Andy on the sleep thing.  I too have lots of problems with sleep.  When I do not get enough sleep I have the damnedest time trying to deal with my issues.  The better the sleep I get the better I feel and can work on my issues.  Trust me sweets you are not alone!  I am glad you found us!  I know this forum has really helped me deal with my HIV and I know some of the things I have posted has maybe helped others.  Keep us informed and lets us know how it is going you will find everyone takes great notice on how everyone is doing as it was makes this place special.
Hugs!
Bill
If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!
My Blog

Offline Iggy

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #16 on: July 01, 2007, 02:44:38 PM »
Quote
I really feel like suicide is the only way out of this.

This to me is the key of the whole post.

It is almost a year ago that I was at the same place and it really boiled down to thinking there was no other answer.  In my case I did attempt and I didn't succeed -  I trust now it was because somewhere in the back of my head I was screaming to myself that suicide was not the only way out of this quagmire I felt I was buried in.

I think your thoughts are natural and you can't deny feeling them, but there does come a time when you have to seek help with those thoughts.  This board is a great start, no - let me be accurate - a tremendously courageous start - but I think you need to see someone face to face at this point.  Is there an ASO in your area that you can contact for help in counseling?  Understand that this board is here for you and will remain here for you and I'm not saying that we don't want you to feel free to discuss your thoughts here, but I think your situation requires professional help in addition to just us lending an ear and shoulder.

My thoughts are with you right now



Online Joe K

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2007, 03:00:02 PM »
Hey Jamie,

I hear your pain and I understand your outlook as I have been battling the same demons for over 30 years.  I've been poz for 23 years and I don't have any magic formula, but I can tell you what works for me.  The biggest thing for me is do I want to live or die?  There are times when suicide seems very inviting, but the bottom line is I could never do such a hateful thing to my partner or daughter.  I say hateful because I believe that suicide is beyond selfish, it's hateful to take yourself away from those who love you, just because you can't get your act together.  You may want to read some of my Blog, where I discuss in detail, my emotions and coping skills for my mental illness.

Once I decided that I was going to live, the rest was easy.  Get a good doctor, treat yourself right and find support in whatever form that works for you.  Forums like these are great, but I suggest you get a good therapist and a trip to a psychiatrist would also be a great first step.  Trust me on this, you are under such stress that you need help, because you cannot will yourself beyond these issues, hence your talk of suicide.  A psychiatrist will evaluate your mental health and can prescribe some meds to help you move through these issues.  The meds are necessary because your brain chemicals need to come back into balance, so that any therapy and/or recovery can take place.  Strange as it seems, therapy will generally not work, unless you augment it with meds (if necessary), as the chemicals need to be balanced for the therapy to take root.

I would also caution you against viewing these issues, or your reaction, as irrational, because we are talking about emotions, which are neither good nor bad, they just are.  It is your reaction and behaviors, as a result of those emotions that can wreak havoc on your life... if you let it.

My friend, you have just had your world turned upside down and it will take time for you to adjust and I believe some professional help to overcome these next few months.  Experience tells me that you must take it slow, give yourself a break and for now, take it one day at a time.  Sounds trite I know, but your overrunning motor is no doubt, fueled by your mind racing, trying to address all the tangents that your mind is creating, since the sad news.

Bottom line is do you want to live or die?  Are you willing to sacrifice all that your life has to offer, over some stinking virus?  I sure hope not.  As to the boyfriend, what can anyone say.  There are so many reasons that he may have run and some of them are very valid, yet in the end, would you want to be with someone who would bail on you when the chips are down?  I've gone through three partners and I now have the love of my life and we are going on eight years.  Is it easy?  HELL NO.  Is it worth it?  YOU BET.

Lastly, just take it slow and be good to yourself and let your transition occur in its own time.  There is no hurry and as long as you continue to work with your doctor on your health, you have plenty of time.  Please take some time to just slow down and realize that you are not going to die tomorrow, the next day, or probably not for quite a few decades.  Worry will do nothing and it drains your soul.  Start to reflect on where your life is, where you want it to be and how you might take those first steps.

Most important though is you need to talk with a professional about your emotions and start to get the help that you need.  There is no dishonor in asking others for help, as it is only the foolish person who ignores the support that surrounds them.

Be well my friend.

Offline Pilot

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2007, 03:46:11 PM »
Hello Jamie,

You have my sympathy to your situation and I had some of the same problems that your facing now.
The thought of suicide has crossed the minds of alot of people from time to time.  I have always believed that if you havent pondered it at least one time or other ...then you are truly not a normal human being.

One of my Psych professors always taught that it takes a really brave person to comitt suicide. Only a brave person gives up all the things they have experienced and is willing to give up all the great experiences that are to come.

As for myself, when things piled up so high I thought I would never be able to solve my problems...I just stood back and thought that in a thousand years would it really matter.  So this or that was going to hell in my life at the moment, it would pass and things would get better.

I am in full agreement with those who advise seeking out someone that can help you, if nothing else to let you get it out in the open and hopefully be able to give you some sound advise or help you set your personal compass in the right direction.

As for your worry that you will never find someone to have a meaningful relationship, I would just put that on the back burner for now.  Your first priority is you right now.  I have been single for more years than I care to admit and it is not a issue with me.  If my knight in rusty armour never shows up...oh well.

YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS...your the same man you were before you became positive and if someone cant see that then its their loss not yours.

Just keep on talking to everyone on here and if you feel that a therapist might be of help, then go for it.
If thats not for you, then try what my bro used to do.  He would go outside and scream for a few seconds and then come back inside.  In other words, we all need a release valve of some kind.

Pilot...


Offline dtwpuck

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  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2007, 07:52:50 PM »
Hiya Jamie... 

I am not going to spout platitudes at you.    You have been through enough already with bulimia and abusive behavior to understand that painting a world full of sunshine and rainbows is just a bunch of psychobabble.

Being HIV+ is new to you.  It will continue to hurt for quite some time.  Your life has changed.
Guess what?  YOU control your attitude toward that change.  While it is sometimes useful to understand how it feels to be down, you already know that.  No one is going to promise you that this is going to be easy.  But there are many of us who lead happy fulfilling lives being HIV+.  And, while there is nothing particularly satisfying about being positive, you can still live your life to the fullest.  You can be physically fit, professional, successful, happy.  Heck, one of the happiest moments of my life was when I won a 180 mile bike race and realized that no one in the entire race knew they had been beaten by an HIV+ man.    I would have never gotten to that place if I had succumbed to the darkest moments of my live with the virus, when I was ready to swallow a bottle of pills. 

The majority of your life is still ahead of you.   It will be a great life if you choose to let it be.

And, when the going gets tough, there are plenty of people who will listen.

Much love,
Scott

ps..  your bf is a jerk.  You can, and will do better.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline JamieD

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #20 on: July 02, 2007, 08:01:16 PM »
Hey Guys!

I wanted to thank you all again for your words of encouragement. I know it doesn't sound possible, but they really do help. I am really hoping that I can turn this into a positive experience, and make this the time where I turn my life around. It's just hard when you feel there is nothing left to live for. It really is very encouraging though to hear that most of you are not miserable, and alone.
Like I said, I don't know anyone else who is HIV+, nor do I know anyone who knows anyone who is HIV+ (other then the people my ex-bf alluded to). I don't know what its like. There is no book titled "A day in the life of an HIV+ gay college student with depression issues". Its just a new situation for me. Despite thinking about suicide I am coping with things rather well. I was so scared about medication, and I am so happy to not have any side effects from them.

I wanted to add a side note, I am in therapy and have been for awhile. The only thing I can't deal with is medication. They all seem to cause some intolerable side effect. The last two medications I took left me feeling like I was about to jump out of my skin. It was really a terrible experience. I know not all medications are like that, but I've been scarred by medications.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #21 on: July 03, 2007, 07:47:14 AM »
Hi Jamie,

Good to read that you're doing your best to cope and get through this period.

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest you let your therapist know about the conversations you have been having here.

Are you in school now or off for the summer?

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2007, 12:35:44 PM »
Despite thinking about suicide I am coping with things rather well. I was so scared about medication, and I am so happy to not have any side effects from them.

I wanted to add a side note, I am in therapy and have been for awhile. The only thing I can't deal with is medication. They all seem to cause some intolerable side effect. The last two medications I took left me feeling like I was about to jump out of my skin. It was really a terrible experience. I know not all medications are like that, but I've been scarred by medications.

Hi Jamie
I'm slightly confused by what you wrote. Are you having no side effects from anti-depressants and concerned about HIV meds, or vice versa?
Em

Offline JamieD

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2007, 06:55:16 PM »
I am having no side effects from anti-HIV medications, but am worried about side effects of anti-depressants.

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #24 on: July 05, 2007, 07:38:19 AM »

Having never been on anti depressants, it is once difficult for me to comment. Perhaps you just haven't found the one that is right for you, that would benefit you the most, with the least amount of side effects.


http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/antidepressants/HQ01069


Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline pozattitude

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2007, 06:24:41 PM »
Hi Jamie,

I became poz when I was in college.  I thought it was a death sentence, but 10yrs later, I am still here and healthy.
Depression is something very common for HIV+ people.  I have been dealing with it for quite sometime.
I tried all kinds of meds for depression and I finally started CYMBALTA and it is working fine.
Talk to your doctor, don't let this go on. 

Rich
POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline JamieD

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2007, 11:48:59 PM »
pozattitude,

Is there anything you think I should know as a positive college student, that would differ as a person who is just positive?

Jamie

Offline indyguy

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  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2007, 01:36:08 AM »
Yes dont party to much. Unless he is hot. ;D
Meds doing well so far.

Offline queenie

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #28 on: July 06, 2007, 02:47:47 AM »
hi jamie

first let me tell you that if you really wanted to end it all you would not have come here to ask our
opinion.  when i found out the first thing i did was to ask people you had had it for years their insight
about the phases i would be going thru.  instead all they said was , i had it for 20 years and im alright.
that is not what i asked them, do i will try to do for you what they could not for me.  this virus is devastating,
you cant believe it, dont know how to, your boyfriend leaving was more of a blessing than you know.
if he stayed you would have pushed him away sooner or later.  anyway, there are phases to this, disbelief,
trying to figure out who, what, where and why.  anger, shame, denial.
it wont be easy, but it can be okay.  i am aware everyday that i have it, but we are only going by what the
doctors tell us.  the reality only affects me if i meet someone who is negetive that i like because I know i
have to tell.  so for a while i stopped meeting people.  then there were the men i was with who had
no problem being with me, as long as no one knew. after a while as far as i was concerned, who did they
think they were.  I was letting them make me feel ashamed of myself just to protect them.  it wasnt that
i needed to tell everyone. just the ones they didnt want to know ;D.  there really are people here who
no they cant take your pain, but understand it.  dont use this as a way out, one day you will be able to
help someone just like you, i promise.
10 years and still being the survivor i always was.
coming here you are probably less alone now, than you were before
trying to figure out how or who will be more of a problem to your mentality than the virus is physical
the stress only makes it worse.
IT PROMISE YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER, A DIFFERENT ONE JUST STARTED.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #29 on: July 06, 2007, 07:53:41 AM »
queenie, for some, they may go through phases. I didn't go through the phases you described. I knew I tested positive and a lot of my friends had already died. Not knowing what the disease was, or what caused it probably help in not going through those phases. I've always taken it one day at a time. If I have a bad day, just try to figure out what will make tomorrow better and don't dwell on it. No matter how hard one tires worrying about what happened yesterday can never be reversed, it's history. After living with this for 23 years, I have no more idea of what tomorrow will bring, than when the day I was told I was positive.   

Offline rainbak2007

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #30 on: July 06, 2007, 09:04:39 AM »
I think about it almost every day but at the same time most of my family and friends watch over me like a hawk cause of a coment that I made to them " the day I find out that I am Positive is the day that I would throw a party like the movie "it's my party" and overdoes at the party cause I did not want to see my family and friends see me get worst and then die I know crazy but even now I am reconsidering that thought
Rainbak2007

Offline wiser

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #31 on: July 06, 2007, 10:08:45 AM »
Hello Jamie,

"suicide" caught my eye as I found myself over the past month having strong and persistent feelings in that area. Like you I wrote and talked with friends about it. I went pretty far in imagining how, actually writing letters and such. It was not specifically HIV related I think, just life in general...just being tired of the struggle kind of thing. Even though friends have been supportive, I will be seeing a therapist as I want to check myself out for a chronic depression, as opposed to something that is just immediate. I think the fact that I have been writing and talking so much means to me I am reaching out for an answer or a way to not feel so despondent or demoralized.

As a college student who is POZ, I don't have answers or advice. These are rambling thoughts. I am much much older and have been a school counselor for over years. I have seen hundreds of young men and women with extrremely tough challenges in their lives get through very difficult times emotionally and thrive. HIV would rank as a level 6 stressor on a scale of 1 to 10 of the kind of the stressors I have seen college age people deal with. It is a terrible thing to occur on one's life, and part of it's pressure is we are told it is preventable, it is tied up in relationships and all that. It is like we did something wrong to ourselves and we can feel we deserve to be punished. But I like to see getting infected as part something untoward that happended in an attempt to seek happiness, peace, friendship, love, relationship as it has been for so many. I also would say that a college age person who is POZ can look forward to ever increasing improvements in treatment and control of this condition...perhaps in your lifetime even total control as some of the recent articles in the News section of this forum note. And finally there are just so many wonderful things yet to be experienced in life that no matter what the course of the HIV, that you will be physically more than well enough to taste. Your issue with the break up is really rough. But one of the most common problems I have had high school through grad school people come to grips with is changes in relationships. If not over HIV over tens of other things.  Who knows, if the HIV thing didnt happen you might have found yourself at wits end over your relationship ending over some other issue. All life's stresses dont necessarily now come under the heading of HIV....they are just the developmental challenges of life itself.

Keep talking here. Seek counseling from some neutral professional. I did in college over the issue of being gay which at that time was enough to make me want to consider ending things. You are not alone in your feelings and experience.

Just some thoughts.

And thank you for posting. What I have just written and reflected has helped me to deal with my own struggle. They say love engenders love. I am seeing here in the forums, that coping engenders coping and keeps hope alive.


Offline pozattitude

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #32 on: July 06, 2007, 05:06:25 PM »
pozattitude,

Is there anything you think I should know as a positive college student, that would differ as a person who is just positive?

Jamie


I don't think it makes a difference if you are poz or not at far as being a student.
When I tested positive, I dropped out of school... I couldn't deal with it.  I wish I hadn't done that, but that is how it was. 
I was too depressed and didn't do anything about it.  If anything my only suggestion would be to say...Don't let HIV stop you from persuing your dreams. 
If you feel you have to much to deal with right now and you feel you can't handle the pressure, seek help.  Make sure you take care of yourself not just the HIV, but your mental health.

POSITIVE PEDALERS... We are a group of people living with HIV/AIDS, eliminating stigma through our positive public example.

Offline SoSadTooBad

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #33 on: July 07, 2007, 12:27:42 PM »
Jamie - lots of good advice from the people here.  Take things a day -- or an hour -- or a minute at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. 

Don't fast forward to the next awful thing that COULD happen.  The only thing you control is how you go forward, and the kind of life you live from this point on - so grab a hold of it when you can, and make something of it.

Keep in mind, I got from a 78 CD4 count to 355 in 9 months on Combivir and Sustiva - huge improvements are possible, and even likely if you focus on keeping yourself moving forward.   

Every minute you spend thinking about ending your life is a minute you are not spending living your life.   

Offline dufusmaximus

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #34 on: July 14, 2007, 04:36:48 PM »
I was infected around 2002, but did nothing about it.  I thought I had about 10-15 years before anything would start to happen, but in late 2006 my numbers were bad and I was told to begin meds ASAP.  I  just started counseling, atripla and paxil.  Suicide is a touchy subject, but I will try to be honest here.  I think suicide is an acceptable way to exit.  I won't lie and pretend that life is so very precious, it's about quality NOT quantity.  I'd rather have 5 good years and then go before it gets really nasty.  I do not want to wind up in a hospice, stuck in a corner, rotting away.  Suicide is not easy and failed attemps can leave you worse off.  I wish there could be more discussion and dignity about this topic, but it is hard.  One way is to not worry about it until you are so sick, but then you may be unable to end your own life, so you will then be at the whims of whatever caretaker you have.  If you plan, you can get a little morbid about it, but it can also free you up.
Deciding to end your life is, well, pretty final.  Why do you want to do earlier than you would?  Are you highly emotional?  Are you super sensitive?  I wish I could discuss these issues with my therapist, but I'm afraid she'll just hit some red panic button and guys in white jackets will haul me off to some state institution.  So when they ask me if I have suicidal thoughts, I just shake them off, but I feel I should be able to discuss this.  Has anyone been able to to talk to a therapist about suicide? 

Offline bobino

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #35 on: July 17, 2007, 12:37:40 AM »

Dufusmaximus,

First of all, thanks for your thoughtful post.  I fully agree with you that suicide can be an acceptable way to end one's life when the quality of one's life becomes too much to bear.  Don't know if you've ever read Andrew Solomon's "The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression," but he agrees with you as well.  So you have the support of a National Book Award winner, and me.

I also think that there should be more discussion of this topic, but it seems to be taboo in our culture.  I am able to discuss this openly with my therapist, though, and that's a great help.  I'm fortunate to have like-minded friends, too, and we all agree that if things get bad enough, we'd rather do ourselves in than rot away in a bed someplace.  As you say, it's about quality and not quantity.

John
Suivons les rivières
Gardons les torrents
Restons en colère
Soyons vigilants

Offline dufusmaximus

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #36 on: July 17, 2007, 11:27:09 PM »
thanks john
i realize i might come off as flippant, but if i can't be honest and straightfrorward here on this site, where can I?

i will mention my true feelings to my therapist and see if she panics or not!

i will look for that book, but my attention span is pretty shot lately - so many things to think about...

:P


Offline Peter6836

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2007, 10:03:49 AM »
I woke up this morning and peacefully thought I would not mind it being the end today. I had a wonderful weekend, things have been going well. I just thought it would not be bad to just stop at this point. I know that I will get sick again, that is inevitable. I know that I will continue to fight the battles of life. That is inevitable. Sometimes it seems overwhelming, sometimes it seems futile.
I thought that taking too many pills too kill this constant nagging pain that I live with would not be a bad thing. The idea of constantly knowing and dealing with this virus and its side effects can seem overwhelming.
Then I think of the moments of joy that I experience. I have learned to slow down and enjoy the moments. I find life interesting and exciting at times. But I do have those moments where I wonder if it would just be easier to cut my losses and stop now.
Then I realize that continuing is a good thing for now. Life still has many wonders to offer. There are many moments of joy yet to experience. I look forward to those moments. All the rest looks more and more like bullshit to me. The Buddha said that life was full of pain and suffering and always would be. As Scott Peck and Robert Frost said Life is difficult
My advice do not look at the bullshit so seriously. It is all moot. Experience the joy more fully and hold on to those moments and thoughts. Create a gratitude journal. Right about the goodness in life. Endure the pain and release it.
Peter
Who continues on looking for the joy of life. Remember happiness is rather elusive, it infers something long term. But joy, it is like sex, fleeting momentary, immediate, and wonderful.

Offline SASA39

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #38 on: August 06, 2007, 04:55:15 AM »
1.I have HIV-AIDS .
2.I`m a social threat to my family in case of disclosure.
3.I have lost a job and cannot support my family.
4.My wife is suppoting me.
5.She is having an affair also , and she has been dishonnest with me about. it ,which impacted me more than affair itself.( and she has been told to live her life)
6.She want a divorce.( In that case I might loose a social medical support)
7.I think that I cannot live without my children. , or alone.............
8.I have no close friends anymore.
9.I have no parents or living relatives anymore. ( even no one to organize a last rites................).A great mayority of them has died of cancer........
10.Flat where we live now is 50/50 , so in case of divorce I would have to let it go to a family.........................
11.I `m feeling that I have ashamed my family , parents , childrens , noble ( and they were really like that) ancesstors..........and that many people around here are just waiting to put a finger to me or my family.......
12.There is a lack of drug supplies , tests & HIV devices in my country , and only 3 doc`s and one crazy schrink for a more than 600 patients.......not to mention a state of hospitals.................
I wrote a post just  for anyone to see that my behavior is not provoked by some fictional events ( a crash plane , meteorite explosion , or a fear of giant bug`s attack)................It was provoked by dozen of really hard now- life problems that I do not know how to solve , for the first time in my life.And I do not want to make these problems bigger..............
I value my life and I think of suicide as a ultimate sin that one human soul could do against itself .................. but sometimes as I have said I do not see a solution..............and a " take one day by day " tactic would not resolve these problems...........


And I do not how to lie to a straightforward question :
" What is happening with you ? "
Any excuses........................
Oct.     `06.  CD4=58  ?    %       VL not perform. ?!?
25.Dec.`06.         203       14        VL= 0
29.May.`07.    broken device        VL=1363
20.June`07     broken device        VL=0
25.Dec `07  CD4=582                  VL=70
14.May `08  CD4=448
29.July `08                                  VL=0
26.Nov `08  CD4=674                    VL=179
16.Mar `09  CD4=554                    VL=0
19.Jan`10 CD4=715               
03.Mar`10                                    VL=0
24.Aug`10 CD4=524                     VL=0
04.Dec`10 CD4=626                     VL=0
15.Sep`11                                   VL=93
17.Nov`11                                   VL=0
05/26 .Jul`12 CD4=713                 VL=0
28.Nov`12 CD4=916                     VL=0
09.May`13                                 VL=0

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: Anyone think of Suicide?
« Reply #39 on: August 06, 2007, 11:37:29 AM »
I think about it but then realize there are always people worse off than I am. So I try really hard to look at what is right in my life and get out of the house. Exercise really helps me when I start feeling depressed. Just walking can clear my head

 


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