Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Anyone think of Suicide?

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First of all, thanks for your thoughtful post.  I fully agree with you that suicide can be an acceptable way to end one's life when the quality of one's life becomes too much to bear.  Don't know if you've ever read Andrew Solomon's "The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression," but he agrees with you as well.  So you have the support of a National Book Award winner, and me.

I also think that there should be more discussion of this topic, but it seems to be taboo in our culture.  I am able to discuss this openly with my therapist, though, and that's a great help.  I'm fortunate to have like-minded friends, too, and we all agree that if things get bad enough, we'd rather do ourselves in than rot away in a bed someplace.  As you say, it's about quality and not quantity.


thanks john
i realize i might come off as flippant, but if i can't be honest and straightfrorward here on this site, where can I?

i will mention my true feelings to my therapist and see if she panics or not!

i will look for that book, but my attention span is pretty shot lately - so many things to think about...


I woke up this morning and peacefully thought I would not mind it being the end today. I had a wonderful weekend, things have been going well. I just thought it would not be bad to just stop at this point. I know that I will get sick again, that is inevitable. I know that I will continue to fight the battles of life. That is inevitable. Sometimes it seems overwhelming, sometimes it seems futile.
I thought that taking too many pills too kill this constant nagging pain that I live with would not be a bad thing. The idea of constantly knowing and dealing with this virus and its side effects can seem overwhelming.
Then I think of the moments of joy that I experience. I have learned to slow down and enjoy the moments. I find life interesting and exciting at times. But I do have those moments where I wonder if it would just be easier to cut my losses and stop now.
Then I realize that continuing is a good thing for now. Life still has many wonders to offer. There are many moments of joy yet to experience. I look forward to those moments. All the rest looks more and more like bullshit to me. The Buddha said that life was full of pain and suffering and always would be. As Scott Peck and Robert Frost said Life is difficult
My advice do not look at the bullshit so seriously. It is all moot. Experience the joy more fully and hold on to those moments and thoughts. Create a gratitude journal. Right about the goodness in life. Endure the pain and release it.
Who continues on looking for the joy of life. Remember happiness is rather elusive, it infers something long term. But joy, it is like sex, fleeting momentary, immediate, and wonderful.

1.I have HIV-AIDS .
2.I`m a social threat to my family in case of disclosure.
3.I have lost a job and cannot support my family.
4.My wife is suppoting me.
5.She is having an affair also , and she has been dishonnest with me about. it ,which impacted me more than affair itself.( and she has been told to live her life)
6.She want a divorce.( In that case I might loose a social medical support)
7.I think that I cannot live without my children. , or alone.............
8.I have no close friends anymore.
9.I have no parents or living relatives anymore. ( even no one to organize a last rites................).A great mayority of them has died of cancer........
10.Flat where we live now is 50/50 , so in case of divorce I would have to let it go to a family.........................
11.I `m feeling that I have ashamed my family , parents , childrens , noble ( and they were really like that) ancesstors..........and that many people around here are just waiting to put a finger to me or my family.......
12.There is a lack of drug supplies , tests & HIV devices in my country , and only 3 doc`s and one crazy schrink for a more than 600 patients.......not to mention a state of hospitals.................
I wrote a post just  for anyone to see that my behavior is not provoked by some fictional events ( a crash plane , meteorite explosion , or a fear of giant bug`s attack)................It was provoked by dozen of really hard now- life problems that I do not know how to solve , for the first time in my life.And I do not want to make these problems bigger..............
I value my life and I think of suicide as a ultimate sin that one human soul could do against itself .................. but sometimes as I have said I do not see a solution..............and a " take one day by day " tactic would not resolve these problems...........

And I do not how to lie to a straightforward question :
" What is happening with you ? "
Any excuses........................

I think about it but then realize there are always people worse off than I am. So I try really hard to look at what is right in my life and get out of the house. Exercise really helps me when I start feeling depressed. Just walking can clear my head


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