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Author Topic: All new and yet still scared  (Read 5284 times)

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Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
All new and yet still scared
« on: June 27, 2007, 12:29:29 PM »
Hi all
My name is Dave I am a 40 year old gay man I was diagnosed on May 4, 2007 and that was the start of being Scared and Confused. the more question I had the more I got scared. I been to a few support groups and they were not willing to give support they were more interested in just getting in my pants being told, well you got it and i got it so why not just do it it is not like we can get any worst, or walking into a place and hearing look guys fresh meat! OH MY GOD someone please tell me not all groups are like this?
I just hate being scared and confused, I am not looking for sex or a relationship I am just looking for answers to my question and what I am going through is it normal or not?

I do not drive so it is hard for me to get around and money is very tight so I can not always take a cab, train or bus. if anyone knows of any good support groups  in my area please let me know.
Rainbak2007

Offline guynsotulsa

  • Member
  • Posts: 21
  • poz since Jan 2007
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2007, 12:44:39 PM »
Hey Dave

Welcome to the forums!!! This is a great place to find information!!  I can relate to your story alot... I found out on Jan 3rd 2007, and the first few months have been crazy!!! But it is starting to settle down now that i am getting used to knowing.... What are the questions that you have?

I live in OKLA or I would help you with support groups in your area... Have you done an intake with the local Ryan White, or any other HIV help group?

Best of Luck
JR
If its to be??? Its up to me!!!

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2007, 12:57:49 PM »
Hi Jr,
I am in Lakewood, NJ ryan whte? I been all over the internet and belong to alot of online groups and even though they are ok, there are many times I just need to be face to face with someone. yes I know that things will get better but being scared, not knowing if everything that I read or hear is the truth or what I just dont know
Rainbak2007

Offline redhotmuslbear

  • Member
  • Posts: 605
  • A genuine certified freak of nature, and a hot one
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2007, 01:05:08 PM »
Dave,
Welcome!  No one is going to get in your pants here.... unless, of course, you want to send me some nude photos  ;D

Finding real-world support groups that work can be a rough task, given how many areas have well-facilitated groups run by various organizations, then "peer-led" support groups and purely social groups... ya know, let's drink, smoke, do drugs, get laid and deny that we have a life-threatening disease....  Even in the facilitated groups, things can be very cliquish from so many pozzies building their social life around a support group that "breaking in" as a newcomer can be very discouraging.  You'll need to shop around to find something that fits, tiring as that may be..... or maybe you can pick a recommendation from a case worker, etc.

In addition to whatever real-world alternative there may be in your area, there is a moderator listserv for HIV+ Gay men called GayPoz -- see http://www.gaypoz.org for instructions.  Email may not be ideal, and getting accustomed to online personalities takes some time, but I have found some solid friends over nine years on the list.

Cheers,
David
"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline milker

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  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2007, 02:26:20 PM »
Hello Rainback,

welcome to the forums. You are newly diagnosed and you're going through what most of us have gone through during the first few months after diagnosis. You will see many answers to your questions on here, from mental help to explaining numbers to nutrition to just get you to smile from stupid posts you will certainly find on here.

As for support groups, I've not tried any, I support myself by going on with my life, you will see that it's easier to do when you stop thinking about HIV when you wake up, and this will come soon, so hang in there !

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2007, 05:02:50 PM »
Hey Rainbak2007-

I am very close to you about 30 minutes.  I can tell you that there are a lot of support groups in my immediate area and will send you some info.  I think I have a feeling where you are talking about.

Cammie

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2007, 05:34:11 PM »
Hi camille07
Rainbak2007

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,901
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2007, 12:05:34 PM »
Hi Rain,

I'm glad you have found your way to our site.

You've heard this already and you've probably said it to yourself a bunch of times. It bears repeating. You're very, very new to dealing with HIV. Take some good deep breaths and give yourself time. From what you have written it sounds like you feel hyper and isolated right now. That's going to change. Gradually you're going to realize that life is giong to go on. It will include HIV but it won't only be about being HIV positive.

Along with whatever support groups you may find out your way, it seems to me that you're close enough to NYC to avail yourself of what's available here as well. I suggest you call the LGBT Center on 13th St. and see what they offer. Ditto GMHC (212 807 6655) and Callen Lorde (212 271 7200). The latter two may also be able to help you with finding support closer to home.

Overall it's essential that you have a doctor whom you can work with to form a good partnership to keep you healthy. There is a lot of information to be had on this site. And support emotionally as well.

So even if you keep wanting everything to be all better and "handled" right away, slow down and give yourself time. You're always welcome here to ask questions, discuss anything that's on your mind and just talk.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline xyahka

  • Member
  • Posts: 778
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2007, 05:23:31 AM »
Hi Rain, i would suggest you to calm down a bit, and well... be patient, there is lot of info and support groups for hiv people... but i know by experience not all of them focus on our specific needs.

Take the advice and offers people here have given you, i am sure they could be useful and relax....good times are yet to come.

big hugs and welcome to our forums.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2007, 06:28:16 AM »
Hello Dave,

I just hate being scared and confused, I am not looking for sex or a relationship I am just looking for answers to my question and what I am going through is it normal or not?

Considering you just tested positive, I would say yes it is normal.

As to support groups, I hope you find one that can actually provide support. I have yet to find one that could. I guess like in your experience they were too messed up to be of any real help. I rely on my circle of friends and my boyfriend for that instead.

In time I'm sure you'll see that having HIV is no longer an instant death sentence, and that sense of fear will subside. But like with anything new, it just takes time to adjust.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2007, 08:51:07 PM »
Hi all,

Just a quick note to let everyone know a little more about myself.

My Name is Dave I am 5' 11" 165 pounds, a 40 year old single gay man, live in Lakewood, NJ and that is about 15 minutes away from Great Adventure theme park. I do not drive, due to my own stupidity when I was 28. Right now I have a few friends that can take me around but even now it is hard for them since they work crazy hours and some even feel a little uncomfortable since I told them about my HIV status, but I mainly take the bus and cab and sometimes a train. but that is hard to do right now since I do not work ,so I watch my pennies...LOL No Really! I have a roommate who if it hasn't been for him I would have killed myself the night that I found out. but on the weekends he take me camping in PA. I love the outdoors and it is so nice up there. it is a gay campground call The Woods and our two neighbors also have HIV and we can talk about it and they both have had HIV and the one has had it for 21 years and the other has had it for 15 years but it is hard to take his advice cause in my eyes he is still being reckless with the drinking and not caring who he sleeps with and he tells everyone that he only does Barebacking and that doesn't sit to well with me but any how if you like to know more drop me a line

Hugs
Dave
Rainbak2007

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
sad and confused today
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2007, 08:56:47 AM »
I am tired of thinking, feeling and going through all these darn emotions and I can not believe that I am still crying over dumb things. OH GOD i so hate being depressed !
I am at the point that I don't even know what question to ask any more, I just don't know. All my life I've been sure on everything that I ever did and I hate not being sure today I try to take it one step at a time and an hour at time but it is not working.
There is still yet family members and friends I haven't told yet and I have always been open and honest but this I find very hard to say. My mother has stood by me and I can tell that this news has really hurt her and that hurts me, yes I am a momma's boy and I do worry about what she thinks because she has never steered me wrong and she always allowed me to live my life the way I wanted to but now when I see her the look of hurt and worry in her face tells it all. I just wish I didn't have to think about it I just find it hard to see the road in front of me.
I know I am just rambling but I just don't know................
Rainbak2007

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2007, 03:41:59 PM »
Rambling is okay Dave, and most people I know do so from time to time.  ;)

Did you get to go camping this weekend, and more important, did you make it through the weekend okay?

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2007, 04:59:49 PM »
Hey Daniel,

No I didn't go camping this past weekend I stay home. I got to the point that I asked my roommate to please take the dog with him, I just been depressed all week and to be honest I really thought about ending it all and I did have it all planed out, but once again the god and goddess intervened, you see I used to be in AA about 4 years ago and I am still on a call list and the person who called me was going through a ruff time he just found out 2 weeks ago that he is POZ. and we talked on the phone for 8 hours and by the time we hung up the phones I realized that I made it through another day sat and cry ed a little then went to bed. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but I wish I had some direction I just got to get over this feeling of being lost and confused but I don't know how and that is the toughest part for me
But mainly I am still here and I am Trying.............
Hugs
Dave
Rainbak2007

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2007, 05:12:45 PM »
I have trouble letting myself cry Dave. It takes a lot for me to do that in front of anyone, but whether then or alone it's always a bit of a release. You laugh or you cry they say, and I am more prone to laughter. Your post however, did give me a lump in my throat there for a minute.

Interesting about the phone call too!

Daniel   
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline zeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2007, 07:36:14 PM »
hi Rain,

Yeah I can relate to your process. It's really rough. Damned it is. But let me share some of my own experience. Besides this great forum I also reached out in real life to other folks I can relate to but who are on this road for a long time. And they seem to do well, very well in fact! And when I feel like shit I can call, skype or msn them. I even met Dragonette who visits these forums too. And you know what!? All the folks i've met do fine, look great and go on with their lives and dreams. They really encourage me! In fact I made some new friends!

This works better for me then the so called support groups (but that's personal).

I hope you'll do fine soon. But feeling sad or feeling grief and anxietey is also part of the deal when you just found out. But keep in mind what I said about the people I met. And listen also to the wise words of some veterans here!

greet
Zeb

Offline rainbak2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: All new and yet still scared
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2007, 06:32:25 PM »
Hello Everyone,

I just want to say "Thank You" to everyone who has given me some great advice and who has sat down and talked with me. without everyone's suggestions I am certain that I would have taken my own life and not care about all those that I would have left behind.
But now I do have somewhat of an OK direction, is it right or wrong I don't know yet but I am taking it as it comes and I am not freaking out. I guess the biggest thing that I was the most afraid of was the change, but I see now not everything changes just me, and that is OK today at least this minute it is  ;D.
I took time for me, I took the time that I been bitching about not having, about just for a day not having to think about my new status of HIV and why I was so afraid and what the hell was I going to do next? I kinda had to listen to my own words that I use to say to others, " if things are not going right, Stop, Focus, and begin again" and so I did!

Thanks and hugs to all
Dave
Rainbak2007

 


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