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Author Topic: having sex is so hard =(  (Read 9651 times)

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Offline snoofle

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  • Posts: 54
having sex is so hard =(
« on: May 08, 2007, 03:01:50 PM »
my bf and i havent had sex since december since i found out he was positive and just recently, ive finally felt comfortable enough to have sex. anyways, the past few times we have tried..everytime he puts the condom on..he loses his erection and we cant have sex. and we tried to have sex earlier this week, and the same thing happened..he got so angry and i started crying, because before i found out he was positive, we would have sex regularly (without condoms, bc i was on birth control) and we've never had sex with a condom, so its all new to us and i dont know if this is some normal reaction to using condoms for the first time, because we were so used to having unprotected sex. i just really needed to vent this out and i hope i can get some advice or something on this. thanks

Offline belief

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2007, 12:27:56 AM »
hi snoofle,

i can't say that i have any answers for you but i will certainly offer you my support.  i only recently found out that i am positive...and am going through a divorce, so there is certainly no sex going on here.  but i can gaurantee you that the first (for first few) times i have sex with anyone...it will be very difficult.  i think the mental aspect of remembering my status will get the best of me, at least for a while - and the same thing may be happening with your bf.

just give it time and be supportive of him, it will only get better...just reinforce the fact that you love him and that it's ok.  maybe try other things and slowly move into sex?
5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2007, 12:07:53 PM »
Snoof, you have lots of company in dealing with this situation. It can be hard enough to keep passion going in a relationship. Dealing with HIV adds another something to the challenge.

Not incidentally, a lot of guys have difficulties staying hard as they get accustomed to using condoms. I wonder if your guy is aware of that.

Can you two talk about your thoughts and feelings? Including about specific concerns on each of your parts about HIV. That can be helpful with maintaining intimacy in your relationship. Also, enjoying each other physically without it necessarily always including intercourse can take some of the pressure off while still giving you good times together.

Believe me what you're talking about is something shared with many people here so please feel free to discuss it as much as you need to.

Andy Velez

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2007, 07:08:41 AM »
snoof, good to see you back. i was wondering how you've been.

yea, i hear ya about this condom thing. even back when i was in high school and hiv was non-existent, we still had to wear condoms to keep partners from getting pregnant. i absolutely hated those things. it was as if my penus felt i was trying to smother it to keep from doing the dirty deed. the next thing you know he shouts back "i'm wilting". it was sooooo frustrating. and that was when i was 19, when a warm breeze up my shorts would give me a hard on.

when my fiance passed away and i went back into dating scene i was 38. i had had 20 years experience with spontaneous sex, thanks to the pill. one of the first women i got involved with was this 23 year old DJ who lived in the apartment next door to me. she had a habit of calling me at 4 in the morning after being out partying with her friends, and wanted to come over for a quicky.

imagine the ego boost, after learning i was positive, that this girl 15 years younger than me wanted me for sex. talk about a turn on. from the moment i hung up the phone the butterflies in my stomach got more intense with the anticipation of this sexual encounter and that "disclosure" issue.

she had one thing on her mind when i opened the door and as she entered my apartment she grabbed my hand and started leading me to the bedroom. as we got into bed this war began between the devil on one shoulder saying "go for it" and the angel on the other saying "you must disclose". how could anyone get a rubber on with all that infighting.  :o

the way i was able to avoid this problem the first couple of times was to tell her i just wanted to please her, then i proceeded to give her oral sex like she never had before, multiple orgasims until she had enough and went back home totally satisfied. it worked, like i said, the first couple times but eventually she wanted more and, long story short, the angel won out and we stopped seeing one another after i disclosed.

in your case however, you both know the situation here and still care deeply about one another that your relationship continues. and like andy says, communication is so important getting through this rough period getting comfortable with your new anxiety.

so here's my suggestion. warm up to intercorse through more foreplay :-*.  talk to each other in bed about working through your fears and teach him to be a better lover by engaging in more oral :-*, and you the same :-*. sooner or later there will come a time where you will yearn enough for more that the act will become something you both want so bad, that it will no longer be an issue. try to learn some erotic techniques of getting that prop on so he is so excited, it will no longer be an issue.


seriously, snoof, if you love him that much, make it more fun, and more of an exploration period for the both of you. and communicate. take the complication and awkwardness of the rubber and make it part of the foreplay, rather than just some ackward extra step.

hope this helps.


Offline snoofle

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2007, 04:46:40 PM »
thanks..i was just wondering the likelihood of transmission when giving oral to a positive person? bc i know that would probably feel better than a condom or is it just better to forego any risk and use condoms even during oral

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2007, 10:57:00 PM »
hi snoofle,

i know the risk is minimal, but i would defer to those with the medical background or those that are more knowledgable with the right answer here. in my opinion, you would have to have a cut or open wound of some sort in your mouth or he something similar on his penis in order for transmission to occur.

so if you both are communicating and you are having fun with the foreplay where you have the opportunity to make your own observations, i think you can be fairly assured things will be fine. but again, wait for final opinion from those with more professional background.

one step at a time snoofle, be open with each other, be comfortable, but most importantly, have fun & enjoy the moments.


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2007, 09:41:34 AM »
Snoof, the oral question is one that comes down to what you are comfortable with.

There have been some anecdotal reports of infection through giving oral, but nothing substantial or well documented. Thrown into the mix among other things are questions as to accuracy because of drinking and drug use and other sexual activities at the same time.

By contrast there have been very longterm studies of sero-discordant couples, both gay and straight. They all used condoms for intercourse consistently and no protection for lots of mutual oral. The results thus far have been that not a single sero-negative partner has become infected.

Can infection happen orally? Theoretically, yes. Does it happen? It doesn't seem so. It's generally thought that ejaculation in the mouth can raise the risk level as can bad oral health or any fresh wounds in the mouth.

Beyond that as I said at the beginning, it's a matter of deciding what you and your partner are comfortable with.

Andy Velez

Offline PJC0510

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  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2007, 03:45:55 PM »

Has he had his testosterone level checked?  A prostate exam may be needed.  And it could also be stress of the situation. 

I encountered the same issue just recently and I am dating a new guy.  I felt so inadequate that I turned to my doctor and he did the prostate exam, it came out ok and he is checking the testosterone level this week.

Please do not think it is you, I told the new guy it is not him, it is me. 

My doctor prescribed me Viagra and we tried it last night, and it worked well, I stayed erect until ejaculation, we did not do the deed yet, but we are seeing each other this weekend.

I know putting another drug in my body may not be good, but I just had to to put my mind and his mind at ease.

I hope this helps and keep thinking good thoughts!

I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: having sex is so hard =(
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2007, 07:32:40 PM »

i haven't heard from you in a while. is everything ok?

how are things going with you and your positive partner?

please give us an update, as it has been over 2 months since we heard from you.



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