Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 22, 2014, 10:28:28 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23523
  • Latest: Dman
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639825
  • Total Topics: 48571
  • Online Today: 229
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Is it really "cheating"?  (Read 1625 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline wishihadacat

  • Member
  • Posts: 220
    • Therainstorm.com
Is it really "cheating"?
« on: June 24, 2007, 09:17:44 AM »
You ask me how I came to this place -  a married man looking for love outside of his marriage - for the warmth and touch and taste of another woman. I will tell you how. I will tell you why.

I grew up not far from NYC, the youngest of two children of upper middle class, nominally jewish parents. Both of my parents were intelligent and liberal, yet always responsible, and never abusive. Nevertheless, they were not particularly conscious or communicative - at least not in the manner in which I experience existence and communicate with others - and for the first thirty years of my life I often felt lost and alone. I spent (or misspent) most of my twenties either trying to find some meaning to life or running away from it, and from roughly mid 1979 to the late spring of 1980, I sought refuge from the pain of my confusion by injecting myself with cocktails of cocaine and heroin, and for those ten months I shared that cheap tin shed with a young woman I knew who made her living by selling herself to other men.

When the money ran out, as it always does, so did the drugs, and so did she, and whether by design or chance, I woke up from my long dark dream. The year was 1980.

Still searching, but lacking direction, I tried writing for a while and I did manage to have at least one short piece published, but it very soon became very clear that I was not really meant to be a writer, so I finished college and then law school. It was a practical decision and it gave me a sense of purpose and meaning that I had never really known before. I followed that path, met my wife in 1985, and for the next two years lived a happy, if not boringly conventional life. We married in November of 1986, blissfully unaware of the silent but relentless destruction that I had unknowingly invited into our lives six or seven years earlier.

Like everyone else in those days I thought of HIV and AIDs as a strange new plague fueled by tainted semen and bottled blood that fed on the flesh of gay men and hemophiliac children. And then, in late 1987, as the epidemic continued to spread and the world learned that HIV also sought out intravenous drug users and that it could sometimes incubate hidden for years inside us, devouring our bodies from within, only to emerge years later, I began to wonder if I was also one of those who had been infected.  At that time my concern was mostly for myself; I had never had any signs or symptoms of the opportunistic illnesses that science and medicine grouped so neatly together as resulting from this new "acquired immune deficiency syndrome. I hoped I was wrong, but somehow I knew I was part of it all.

I went to a clinic down on Ninth Avenue operated by the New York City Health Department and left a small sample of my blood, and on a cold clear day in January of 1988 I learned that I was one of those people whom the doctors grouped together to as "long-term slow progressors." Like all of us, it was a day I will never forget.

Back in those days the ways by which the virus could or could not be transmitted by heterosexual sex were still not well or widely understood, and my wife and I tried to maintain some semblance of physical intimacy while avoiding any risk of transmission; we held each other, we touched each other, always aware, always fearful, but we would never again make love.

For twenty years we toured together in secret shame the twists and turns of life with HIV, and most of you must be wondering why a man and a woman would remain together in such a state for so long in a relationship devoid of all sexual contact. I suppose that the simplest answer is that neither of us wanted to admit defeat, but there is also an element of complacency and convenience: this world can be a very lonely place.

And that, my friends and fellow travelers, is the way it is.
Your name here  X_______________

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2007, 09:35:51 AM »
Wish,

There is no reason why you cannot safely have sex with your wife. Condoms have been proven to prevent hiv transmission. Read through all three condom and lube links in my signature line. Correctly used condoms won't fail.

My own partner and I have never had one break on us yet and I don't anticipate it happening either. We store them correctly and make sure they're still in date and we make sure we use them correctly too. It's not difficult to do, and reading about it will help.

My own opinion about "is it cheating" is yes, unless you are up-front about it with your partner and you have her blessings.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Dragonette

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,190
  • Spring symptoms
    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2007, 10:39:57 AM »
It would be an amazing happy end if you ended up making love to your wife...
So much happened in the last 20 years so on all levels it would be amazing: for you both personally and on a wider level, you made it through... from the death sentence of the 80's to being able to and wanting to have sex, and with your wife sticking by you all these years, so this is the whole HIV (hi)story in one lifetime. if this isn't true love what is. I'd say go for the wife .... you will have to use condoms anyway, and I am sure you will find that they improved in quailty and variety since the 70s...
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline wishihadacat

  • Member
  • Posts: 220
    • Therainstorm.com
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2007, 10:52:33 AM »
Wish,

There is no reason why you cannot safely have sex with your wife. Condoms have been proven to prevent hiv transmission. Read through all three condom and lube links in my signature line. Correctly used condoms won't fail.

My own partner and I have never had one break on us yet and I don't anticipate it happening either. We store them correctly and make sure they're still in date and we make sure we use them correctly too. It's not difficult to do, and reading about it will help.

My own opinion about "is it cheating" is yes, unless you are up-front about it with your partner and you have her blessings.

Ann


If it were only that simple. Unfortunately, she is unable or unwilling to take any risk at all, however slight.
Your name here  X_______________

Offline wishihadacat

  • Member
  • Posts: 220
    • Therainstorm.com
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2007, 10:57:08 AM »
.... you will have to use condoms anyway, and I am sure you will find that they improved in quailty and variety since the 70s...

You can be sure that I haven't exactly been celibate these past twenty years, D, and in fact I've grown to enjoy using condoms.

Your name here  X_______________

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 570
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2007, 11:05:57 AM »
Is she aware of your extra curricular activities?

Offline wishihadacat

  • Member
  • Posts: 220
    • Therainstorm.com
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2007, 11:11:45 AM »
Is she aware of your extra curricular activities?

Although we never discuss it. she knows that I have sought comfort outside of the marriage, and we dance around the issue.
Your name here  X_______________

Offline Bucko

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,947
  • You need a shine, missy!
    • The Spin Cycle
Re: Is it really "cheating"?
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2007, 01:52:43 PM »
Wish-

First off: Kudos on the powerful writing, great perspective and what appears to be a healthy attitude.

Second: It sounds as if your relationship with your wife has evolved in the twenty years since your diagnosis into something that essentially precludes sex. You do not mention any kind of physical contact beyond "we held each other, we touched each other, always aware, always fearful". You and I are roughly peers (I am 47), so we both know that by 1987 mutual masturbation was considered a no-risk activity (remember "On me, not in me?").

The fact that neither of you saw fit to explore alternatives to penetrative sex while attending to the sexual needs of the other speaks volumes to me. Either one or the other or both is uncomfortable with the sexual expression of the other. When you described your marriage prior to diagnosis as "for the next two years lived a happy, if not boringly conventional life" I recognized an unspoken dissatisfaction with sex. I've used almost the identical vocabulary to describe a relationship from my twenties that was emotionally fulfilling but sexually frustrating myself. He and I eventually agreed explicitly to open up the relationship because we recognized the stress lack of sexuality was causing in our lives and created an uncomfortable distance.

Of course for me opening up the relationship eventually caused rifts that tore everything apart. But we were young men in our early twenties and had no real mutual responsibilities or financial obligations beyond a lease. You are different in probably every particular and are bound by many obligations to each other. And after twenty-plus years together your emotional commitments must be a great source of comfort and mutual support beyond the material accumulation of stuff.

Is such support and love unconditional enough to allow openly discussing your mutual sexual needs (because she must have some herself, surely)? Anything is possible within the framework of mutually-agreed-upon rules, and these rules must change and be renegotiated as the relationship matures and evolves. By definition anything not living (growing, changing and evolving) must be either dying or dead.

Your marriage sounds (from what you state) to be founded on some deep roots, roots that are strong enough to support new growth. Give the woman who has stood by you for all these years some credit. She sounds capable of dealing with reality.

Brent
(Who encourages telling the truth and dealing with its consequences)
Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Blathering on AIDSmeds since 2005, provocative from birth

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.