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Author Topic: Afraid of getting close!!!!  (Read 7549 times)

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Offline Afraid

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Afraid of getting close!!!!
« on: June 23, 2007, 02:35:03 PM »


Hello, I am a 28 year old female who was diagnosed almost a year ago.
I must admit that I am taking it pretty well, I surrendered to God, and I have faith that he has my back, and will let no harm come my way.
My issue is that I am afraid of getting close to men, because then I will have to disclose my status..I haven't even told my family..I am just not ready for the response that they might give me, so I have been carrying this load alone, with the help of God..I have been dating this guy, and I like him a lot, However I feel myself purposely pushing him away, because I am afraid of what might happend when it time for me to disclose to him..Any advice on how I can just relax a little more, and just enjoy it while it last..because I pushed him away when that's not really what I want.
Please help me..I don't want to be alone

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2007, 06:38:00 AM »
hi there & welcome to the forums,

well first of all great that you are dating someone you like, i don't know how long but you can delay the sex for a while until you feel comfortable disclosing, you don't have to make him feel rejected just keep a good vibe and feeling between you but let the sex hang back. of course you do not have to tell (at least not where i live) but i deeply recommend to disclose before something sexual happens since you want a relationship with this guy. i wish we could predict his reponse but that's impossible the only thing is the longer he knows you and the more he gets attached and appreciated you as a human being rather than "a date" (do you know what i mean?) the bigger the chance that he could be up for a relationship regardless. these things happen all the time (even to me and i didn't beleive it would ever happen). all guys are different but you will know when is the right time when your relation is sincere and deep enough to tell. some people would say disclose as soon as possible, i don't know but i think the more you can trust the person and sense how "liberal" and "open" he is (for lack of better words) the more you will be comfortable.

We are used to think of HIV as a tragedy and it certainly is no laughing matter but if you percieve it as what it is with regard to a relationship - an inconvenience, a hurdle, and obstacle, and imperfection - as a Problem rather than a Dark Secret I think it is easier to go through life in general, people accept it more (in general) when you project that it is serious, yes, but not the end of the world. It's very hard to change how we think ourselves i struggle with it all the time. you are not alone, there are more than 40 million people like you,  you have HIV it is not the best thing that happened (in an understatement), but it is not the end of everything. It is do-able.... You can do it. If you can talk to a councellor or a social worker I recommend it, or join a HIV group where you live, so you can get support.

Lots of luck and take good care, will keep fingers crossed for you. 

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Afraid

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2007, 09:42:48 AM »
I did go and see a counselor once before, and that was a nightmare..I ended up in the physc ward in the hospital, because she over re acted to what I said..she asked me have I ever thought about suicide, and I told her yeah, and she asked how would I do it..and I told her next thing I know security was in the room, waiting to escort me to the hospital. I contracted this disease when I was raped a year ago. I was leaving a friends party and someone felt that it was time for them to take my virginity. I was waiting on marriage to share that special experience with my husband. That's what hurts me the most, the fact that I wasn't sleeping around and this still happened..Honestly I wish that I was sleeping around and this happened it will just make more sense to me..at first I use to think, why me?..then one day God said why not you?

What makes you exempt from the rest of the world??
I just thought at that moment you are so right.. I am no different from no one else. I am just scared that this disease is going to keep me alone for the rest of my life..I will not allow anyone to get close to me..I could really like them, then I start to sabotage the relationship so they will be mad at me, and not want to be bothered anymore..I rather for them to reject me that way..then to find out my status then leave me alone..It will just crush my soul. So here I am just trying to find my way at this point, maybe I will call around and start looking for another counsler..I really need to talk and vent..I know God is probably saying oh no not you again...lol
thanks so musch for the advice

Offline nunii

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2007, 09:00:36 PM »
Afraid,

I don't know you but I know God and let me tell you that you haven't surrendered to God because if you had, you would not be afraid of getting close to men, instead you would hold your head up high and believe with every fiber of your being that HE HAS YOUR BACK and when he puts that man in front of you, he will love you inspite of your disease, now please don't believe that everyman that tells you how pretty you are is "the man."

Let God show you who he is, and believe that you will find him, I held to the man that infected me for three years after finding out and paid for it, losing friends, family and a lot in between because I did not believe that God had my back, once I realized that he did and that holding on to this man was not what I needed to be doing guess what happened I found peace, my family and everything else.

Let go of your fear and allow God to work his miracle in your life;

Here's a prayer that helped me when I was letting go:

Dear God;
Please show me your will.  My joy comes from you, and so I ask that You show me how I can bring You joy.  I am willing to serve You wholeheartedly.  Use me Lord, Thank You for everything. Amen

Your promise to God;
I will pray for your guidance and follow your counsel.

This prayer was taken out of Bishiop T. D. Jakes Promises from God for Single Women,  if you can purchase this book I believe it will help you in your quest to allow God into your heart and allow him to work his miricale with you as he has me.
After living with this illness and believing that God does have my back I am at peace and I am not afraid of getting close to anyone for those who shun you don't belong in your life and those who accept you are God's promises to you that he truly knows your heart.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2007, 09:02:55 PM by nunii »
every 60 secs of anger are 60 secs lost of happiness

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2007, 11:38:09 PM »
Hello Afraid
I sent a PM to you.
Em

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2007, 01:03:18 PM »
Afraid

wrote u again but lost it because had to quickly switch off screen when someone entered my room.

it pains me even to think what you went through. i wish i could come up with something but i will have to type all night to get there...... this does not mean i don't think you will pull out of this. a friend of mine was brutally raped and it took her a while and even antidepressants but now she is dating and happy. it's a trauma, an immeaserable trauma, even without HIV let alone with that as a consequence.

I just will send you the warmest wishes for now and hope that you will stick with us and slowly work your way into feeling better. hope you have contacted a rape support hotline to get some coucelling, i also once had a brush in with very unprofessional professionals in mental health, but there are many great ones.

Hugs,
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Afraid

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2007, 08:07:44 PM »
Hello everyone!

Emeraldize I got your pm, but had no clue how I could respond back..
The things you said made me do a lot of thinking, and I think that I will disclose to my family.. I will do it slowly but surely, and with those I feel can handle it.. I am trying to get more educated on my Disease so when the questions start to pour in..I can be prepared to tell them exactly what they need to know. As far as the guy who raped me I have no clue to who he is.. My mother is a judge where I live, and we could come up with nothing..

I have a mentor, and he said to me what am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to tell my family when they know that I was rapped. I told him because my family is very ignorant to the disease I seen how they treated my uncle who passed away from the virus in 01' and I am afraid that my mother will be the one to really turn her back on me, because she's in the public eye.

My assumptions can be wrong. However I am at the point to were I have to face my demons.  

Nunii you said that I have not surrendered To God.
That was a very bold statement that you made. Trust me when I tell you I have, because I am still here! right after my diagnoses I tried to take my life.
I was just to through with God. I just didn't understand why he would allow all these bad things to happen to me. I tried to live right. and first the rape then the disease. I was mad!!!! because all I could think of is all my friend who had many sex partners, and dodged this bullet. I was still trying to get over what happend to me, the Virus was my breaking point.

when I tried to commit suicide, and failed..all I can hear was laughter someone telling me that I didn't get to decide.  He did! Maybe I was still high on all the meds I took, he said have patience and see what I have in store! I was so angry that my attempt failed I tried again when they released me from the hospital. This time I slit my wrist.. Oh but this time it was as easy for me to recoperate my the damage that I did...He made me suffer I mean big time.

I was in pain for days, with no sedation, all I can think of as I layed there was I want to live.. I remember closing my eyes and asking God for his forgiveness. I cried like I never cried before, and the next morning I felt a sense of relief. I felt like this battle that I am facing is not my battle it's his and he proved to me that I don't have any power. I trust in him, and I do believe that he has me in his heart, because I am him.

However I have things that I have to conquer just being human. It's more then just disclosing my status it's me being afraid to be alone with a man..because I'm afraid that he might harm me..Once again these are my demons..and they have a partial hold on me.. It's natural. But it time I ill conquer them, and regain myself with the help of my God!!!

I will go get the book, right after work 2morrow..Thank you guys so much for the support

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2007, 09:01:33 AM »
Afraid,

I think I know where you are from, and if my intuition is right you have an insanely high amount of both rape and HIV there.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
But it happened. This happened to you. They will have to face it.

If your mama can't see that, she is not fit be neither a judge not a mother. Then I really don't know what kind of world we live it. 

Harsh words... but that's what I feel.

What about your treatment, are you receiving proper care?
Stay strong dear... you are you know.

Hugs,
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2007, 06:41:18 PM »
Hi Afraid,

I have been pos for 13 years, my husband passed the virus to me when he knew that he was infected, but was too scared to tell me.  He died in 1996 and I have been boldly dating (lol) since then.  I have had 3 LTRs and thought the third time would be the charm.  He just split with me during the holidays in December of 2006 because he was scared.  He had had scared feelings for awhile and didn't speak up until it was driving him nuts!  That being said, here I am,  37 years old and single and trying to date again.  I feel like I have a lot to offer a potential partner except I am so scared of getting close now.  The rejection from my last relationship really hit  a nerve, where before I wouldn't have been so hurt.  I have had "first dates" with a few new guys in 2007 and try to stay social.  Some have been "keepers" but I find myself shying away for fear of disclosure.  I believe I have the right to date a man a few times to see if I like HIM before even considering disclosing.  Recently, I have met Mr. Wonderful and he has started asking me out on a regular basis.  I was looking through the posts here because I am scared to death to have the fun end.  We have started getting to know each other better and have had a few good "make out" sessions if you will!  LOL I am petrified and its strange for me because I am so anxious!  A few years ago I would rush into wanting to see someone if I thought they had good character, and a good personality, and if we had things in common.  I bravely told many guys on the third or fourth date about my status, and many went heading for the hills!  I felt like a serial dater!  Now with Mr. Wonderful in the picture, I have been reading through poz.com all day!  I know all of the facts, I know what to tell him, I just have to work on the delivery.  Its so hard not to get emotional when disclosing.  I am praying that God sends me an angel and if Mr. Wonderful is it, great!  I tell myself that if he runs, so be it, he wasn't meant for me and isn't a strong enough man to be with me and support me emotionally.  I haven't disclosed to a potential partner since June 2004 when my last relationship began.  I am so glad I found your post.  Although you and I didn't become pos in exactly the same circumstances, we both had men in the picture who let us down in the worst way possible, tearing at our very core and making us second-guess our worthiness in this world!  Please know that my prayers go out to you.  I wish you courage and perseverance in your struggle to find out who did this to you, and in learning to trust men again.  I am a crying wreck right now as Mr. Wonderful has asked me out again for this Friday night and I see myself as being unworthy.  Its my own defense mechanism kicking in.  I may not tell him this Friday, because it is very early in our "relationship" and we are just dating, but if things go well, the inevitable will have to happen.  Thank you all for letting me vent.  I just started reading poz.com a few days ago and have found great strength in what you have all posted. If anyone wants to PM me and offer advice, I think I have to do one more post before I can reply, but I would welcome any advice.  Wish me luck, I could really use your support!
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline nunii

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2007, 07:45:46 PM »
Afraid;

I am sorry if my statement was bold, but I said it because someone told me the same thing when I first found out and yes, I too had a break down crying like I never knew I could, I am a drug and alcohol counselor and found that I had to take a sabatical from my job because I was angry the I contracted this disease and I could count my partners on one hand with fingers left over!  But somehow I had to counsel these women who have put themselves in harms way not once but almost everyday, than I had to deal with girlfriends who boosted about how many men they had running up in them and keep a straight face or act like it was normal.

Because I was afraid of telling people and than I just broke I became so angry that when I found myself talking to someone who was doing everything possible to get this disease and didn't I showed no sympathy and told her exactly how I felt.  Luckily my supervisor is a sensative woman who understood that I was generally a compassionate person but something was not right so after having me in her office for several hours ignoring the clinic, I finally broke and told her what was happening!

My boyfriend of 6 yrs had cheated and now I was paying for his cheating!  I cannot imagine how you feel as for the rape, but I can relate because I trusted this man with all that I was and he "raped" me for lack of a better word, he hurt me to the soul and I had to find my faith.

When my friend of many years told me that I did not completely trust God I was livid!  I yelled at her how dare you tell me that I am living with this and I am believing he will carry me.  She allowed me to yell and when I was finished she simply said, "if you truly believe in him, you would not be ashamed, you would not be afraid and you would have 100% peace."  before I could say anything she left, and for the next week I cried, I was competing with Niagra Falls, I was crying so much.  Until one day I began pryaing and asking god to please help me and come into my heart.

Once I trully believed he would I truly found peace, I am no longer afraid, ashamed, or hidding I am free, I am free, I am able to stand in front of anyone and tell them I am HIV+ and not feel as if I owe them an explanation, if they ask me questions I do not feel obligated to answer them, but I do in the hope that I can change a negative ideal into a positive one.

You may never know why you have been through the things you have had to endure, but I am positive that god is preparing you for something, and that something might already be in front of you, you may make a difference in a person's life, you may educate your family and you may even find out that your mother is not as ignorant as you believe her to be and if she is than you have to understand that her issues are hers and you no longer have to apologize for who you are.

There was a time when a woman was raped people beleived that she asked for it, and not that the man was a sick bastard!  I suggest that you get yourself a jornal and start writing, pray to god for the guidance you need to tell your family and he will answer you.

Only you know your family and only you know if they are capable of recieving the news adequately, but also remember that we often make our own preceptions reality when we are Afraid.

I will have you in my prayers and though we have never met I feel for you and hope that you find what you are looking for, and I hope the book helps.
every 60 secs of anger are 60 secs lost of happiness

Offline Afraid

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2007, 05:46:42 PM »
Hello all !!!!

Well I have been doing very well these last couple of days, I mean just being on here and talking to different people that has more insight then I really helps me.

Someone asked about my treatment I can't complain, my doctor goes above and beyond for me.. I couldn't afford my meds when I switched jobs, because the insurance that they gave me didn't cover it..but he pulled some strings and got me covered under some special pharmacy benefit program, so that was like a really big weight lifted off my shoulders.

My #'s are really good.. I can't quote them right off the top of my head, but I should be undetectable right now.

I just want to say thank you all for the support because I really need it.
I have been having really high days since I found this sight.. ;D
I just hope they continue this way. I prayed on the situation about me finding someone to accept me, and I came to the conclusion that I just want to be alone right now. I have some real demons I need to battle, and a man isn't going to help, just distract me.

I am going home this weekend, and I feel compelled to tell mu best friend my status..she is like my sister, and she has lupus.. so I think that she will be able to relate to me, and not judge me. I think she kinda know something is wrong because I have been avoiding her..So wish me luck that when this is all said and done I still have my friend.

Tell you ladies all about it later.

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2007, 02:10:22 AM »
hi moonlight

sorry didn't respond to your post. have problems with hand and must cut back writing. but keeing fingers crossed for you and sending good vibes your way!
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2007, 07:12:48 PM »
Hi Afraid,

I sincerely hope that your friend with lupus proves to be a good shoulder for you to lean on.  That is one thing that has been very tough for me.  I lost my best GF of 20 yrs and also my late husband's best friend when I disclosed to each of them in 2002.  My "GF" did exactly what I didn't want her to do, and that was to blab everything to her large family, so now I am sure the entire town where I grew up knows about me.  Oddly, and gracefully, enough, my ex best GFs little sister stood up for me when my former best friend blabbed to her family.  The former best friend never returned phone calls or anything, late in 2002, and never told me why she was avoiding me.  Turns out she was as weak and insecure as I thought she had been all of those years whenI had stood by HER and not passed judgement on her life!  The little sister has also been ignored by her family, and its pretty much becasue we are strong personalities and don't take any crap from simple people who think they know it all (Scorpio women!)!  As for my late husband's best friend, when I disclosed to him, he was more concerned about why I didn't inform HIM about my late husband's status as well as my own, as soon as we found out!  >:(  Turns out that before my late husband and I got together, he was dating the same girl that his best friend ended up marrying.  Not my problem to protect people before I even know them, gheez!  The only way I found out about the virus is because I CHOSE to go get tested just in case, and I am sure glad I did!  Afraid, I am hoping that because your best friend has a chronic condition of her own, that she will empathize with you and accept you.  You are the same person as you were before, except that because of how you contracted the virus, perhaps you should seek outside help, which it sounds like you are doing!  Please let us know how things turn out with disclosing to your GF!

Dragonette, ty for your well wishes!  I saw Mr. Wonderful last night and a little demon in my mind kept saying "Enjoy yourself, this may be the last good date you have with this man."  I quickly tried to shut that little critter up over and over, lol!  I didn't disclose yet, wasn't the right time, but its getting closer.  I don't see Mr. Wonderful very often, maybe once a week just starting now (that's a good sign, right?   ;D).  I was sick this past week, in hindsight it may have been nerves, yikes, but he and I had a great evening together.  No risky behavior at this point, things have been progressing very slowly.  Maybe God is giving me a chance to enjoy this man and see him for the wonderful guy he is.  I want him to see me for all that I am, too, before I disclose, so that he knows I am not a disease, I am a person with feelings and baggage just like the rest of us.  Dragonette, take care of that hand that ails you.  Lord knows I shouldn't be on poz.com so much bec I have a horrible neck from injuries (Mr. W gives a great massage, talk about "safe sex", lol!).  Anyhow, rent yourself some good movies and take it easy! 

Afraid, I agree, this site can definitely give us women hope and some "high" feelings!  Amazing what us powerful women can do for each other when we pull together!  I love all of you, my new friends as I have only been here about a week, and I pray for everyone's courage and strength!  Chicks RULE!    :D

Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline zachysmom

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2007, 02:24:26 PM »
I'm really sorry that happened to you, you shouldn't feel ashamed,it was not your fault, shit happens, some just step in it alittle more.
I recommend finding a new counselor definitly and as far as declosing status to your family, what I did because I was so young (17) when I found out, is I told my Stepmoter because she has the biggest mouth and told the rest of my family for me. So I need to say it only once which was nice.....
I know it may be funny, but it's true, maybe you should try it.
Good luck
Nicole
From Russia with love,
Nicole

Offline Afraid

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2007, 06:58:13 PM »
Hello Everyone...
Wow were do I start?

OK I went home this weekend, and I stayed at my bestfriends house..I mean we had the best time to friends can have. We rented waiting to exhale..I have not been so happy in so long.. We drank so much wine that I almost had a accident in my sleep :o..Lol..Yeah I must be comfortable because I am telling to much information.

After the first 10 glasses of wine I went in for the kill, I told her that I was hiv+ and she looked at me like I didn't even say a word, she just poured another glass, and said to me why did I feel that I couldn't tell her?
I told her that I was scared to loose her as my friend, she said never would that happend, she just said that she is upset with because I have been carrying this load, alone for so long. I told her when I found out..I told her how many meds that I take a day, which she was jealous because she takes like 20 pills for her lopus. and I just educated her the best way that I could. I feel a sense of relieve just by telling her.

Now it's disclosing to my family...so with that being said to be continued... and wish me luck

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2007, 07:44:57 PM »
Hi Afraid,

I am so glad your GF is supportive of you!  This will certainly help when you disclose to your family.  I didn't tell my family until about 4 years after I found out.  It was about 1-1/2 years AFTER my husband had died that I had told them the truth.  I was protecting my husband from them, as he was terminal with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  I sure didn't want my family coming down on him while he was dying, and I didn't want both families arguing during a time when we needed to pull together for my husband.  When I told my parents I had something to tell them, they thought I was going to ask to borrow money.  Then they thought I was pregnant, lol!  I explained that my late husband had died of AIDS and had passed the virus to me.  They were angry, very angry at HIM, and at his family, which was certainly understandable.  I think everyone looks for someone to blame when they are grieving.  Expect your parents to grieve, and expect it to be tiring.  It was very tiring for me, trying to assure them that I was OK.  I still can't talk to my mother about missing my late husband because she is so hurt by what he did to me by not disclosing.  I keep thinking "If only......." I had made him get tested, had insisted on protection those FEW times we didn't use it......but we can't change the past, it is what it is, and it has made us stronger.  Know that YOU will have to be very strong for your parents, YOU will have to take care of them as they will have mixed emotions in the beginning, trying to find answers to their questions, like "Why?"  I feel much better today, knowing I am not hiding anything from my parents, I am very loyal to them.  I am praying that you will feel some relief after you disclose to them.  The very fact that you are confident after disclosing to your GF will be all the more helpful to you as well!  Keep your chin up, do NOT be ashamed, and just be honest.  It will all work out, things usually DO.  Its just getting through the initial crap and taking the steps forward that is the toughest for us.......I wish you well!  Let us know how you're doing!

Cindy   :)
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2007, 04:23:09 PM »
Wouldn't you know it?  This past Sunday, July 8th, my parents, two nieces and I go to have dinner at a restaurant.  My father looks past me smiling at someone at the next table as we are seated.  He tells me to turn around.  Its my EX BEST GF who wrote me off in 2002 (see previous posts in this thread).  Holy shit!  I think I said "Oh" and burned an F'n hole through her with my stare.  Dinner went better than I expected, I just kind of forgot that she was behind me, five feet away the entire time.  Her family was done eating and she puts her 1-1/2 year old daughter on her hip and stands at the end of our table to say goodbye.  I tell her "Congratulations" on having a new daughter, and she proceeds to talk to my parents!  She doesn't even look at me!  Serves her right for being a dumbass and being so rude and insensitive back in 2002.  I almost told her that her new daughter looks like her younger sister (my friend in this shitstorm....), she would've hated that.  I was civil and polite and looked at her the entire time.  She glanced my way maybe once as she talked to my parents. 

Oh I wanted to deck her and tell her how stupid she was!  She's a second grade school teacher, you think she would know more about "accepting others."  She probably teaches that crap in class to her students.

OK, done venting.......crap.
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Afraid

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2007, 06:33:38 PM »
Hello All,

Moonlight I read your post today, and I couldn't stop laughing because for some strange reason I had a visual of you leaping on your ex friend. Not to mention I needed that laugh.

OK Ladies... Someone let me know what it is that I am experiencing at this point. I have no desire to do anything. I have not cleaned my house in like 2 weeks, and It looks horrific! I have been eating fast food, when I normally cook I swear I wouldn't wash my a** if I thought I wouldn't start to smell myself.
I haven't been able to sleep unless I sadate myself.

I hate feeling like this!!!!! when will it be over if it will ever be over?
I need to get my house in order my family is coming to visit me, and I know that they will know that something is wrong if they seen me living like this. Any suggestions on what could help?

when I sign off of here I am going to at least try and load my dish washer.

Help Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2007, 10:05:38 PM »
Afraid~~

Wow, what a story! I was raped and on my birthday of all days. And since it was a date and we both passed the lie detector, the police dropped it. Of all the ways to get infected. I got infected by someone who knew they were poz and failed to tell me and that's the short version,ok.

I am glad that your gf took the news well. You can have some type of support other than here. This place is like my lifeline for support. I have issues with disclosure. I tried on several occasions and got rejected every time. And as far as family, my sisters told anyone and everyone. Now that is just my story, I hope yours has a happier ending.

As far as a man goes, I'm still working on that but prefers to be with a poz man because of fear of infecting a neg one and oh yeah, disclosure issues..About that man you like, explain to him that you are not ready for any commitments but would still like to see him. As friends, maybe that way you can work on your issues and still have a companion. Just a thought..Oh yeah....WELCOME TO THE FORUMS
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline zachysmom

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2007, 11:24:43 PM »
Hello,
What you are experiencing is fatigue and maybe alittle depression.
I go through that all the time, if it weren't for a 3 year old depending on me, I would just blend into the wallpaper.
I am glad you have God in your life, I to had a very similiar issue with God myself, however I experienced  a dream one night, that was more than a dream, and I believe I truly felt the presence of God. This is really a big thing for me to say because I was an Agnostic since I was a teenager. I now not only believe in him but feel him and his guidance.

You will find your answers, just keep asking the questions.

keep us posted.
Nicole
From Russia with love,
Nicole

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2007, 06:19:21 AM »
hello Afraid and all,

well i went home for a surprise visit also to rest my arm. to make a story short my 2 best GFs denounced me, I spend a couple days crying. It is normal for me to cry over a guy but not over girls, but it really hurt! i'm glad your friend was so different Afraid, she sound amazing

as far as the house & neglect goes I think you may have a duality where you kind of want them to sense that something is wrong but you are afraid of disclosure. you ask what is wrong with you, nothing but you are dealing with stressful, sad things. so the house and the state of you reflects that. one thing at a time honey, but be carfeul of sleeping pills, that is a very tough addiction, so try to limit yourself, and talk to your docs about these things.

i got some PMs from amazing women here, i wish I could write more, i am at a point where if i don't strictly limit myself now i will not be able to work in the near future, and that sucks big time. i hope to get voice recognition soon so i can hammer away

all the best to all of you & am always reading and keeping fingers crossed! Hugs,
« Last Edit: July 11, 2007, 06:21:18 AM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline zachysmom

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2007, 10:57:20 AM »
Sorry, to hear your girlfriends denounced you, with friends like that who needs enemies?
but you have us here on the forum, so chin up, we're all here for you.
 Try to get some rest, and get better, and keep us posted with your recovery.

We love ya,
Nicole
From Russia with love,
Nicole

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #22 on: July 12, 2007, 10:49:07 PM »
Afraid,

I wanted to seriously deck the bitch and spit out a TON of one liners, esp asking WHY or HOW she dare walk over to my family's table and smile, as if nothing had happened?!?!?!  Grrrrrrrrrr!  I mean she did exactly what I feared she would do years ago.....opened her fat mouth about my health, to match her fat ass.  Next time I will say something, this tongue can STING, big time.

Its OK, you crack me up, too!  LOL

Cindy   :-[
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline nunii

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #23 on: July 12, 2007, 11:21:48 PM »
moonlight stop your making my cramps hurt more, the visuals of you jumping over the table and decking her are too much,  LOL

Seriously, ignoring her is better, as we say in spainsh "un gajetaso sin manos" "a slap without hands" by ignoring her you made her realize just how worthless she really is and how beautiful you really are.

&%^& her and her family, besides your mama raised a good woman her mama raised a hefer she can't help herself
every 60 secs of anger are 60 secs lost of happiness

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Afraid of getting close!!!!
« Reply #24 on: July 12, 2007, 11:28:13 PM »
lol, to the whispers of"...........and she was such a NICE girl......" (referring to myself, of course)

Yes, I saw the looks on the faces of her husband and sister-in-law, and they both seemed to read "Wow, we feel worthless sitting her with your ex best GF who spilled the beans about you to our entire family."  Those looks were enough satisfaction for me, but if I catch her alone in an aisle at WalMart?  LOOKOUT!

oh brother, I need a man..........badly!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2007, 11:31:30 PM by MOONLIGHT1114 »
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

 


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