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Afraid of getting close!!!!

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Dragonette:
Afraid

wrote u again but lost it because had to quickly switch off screen when someone entered my room.

it pains me even to think what you went through. i wish i could come up with something but i will have to type all night to get there...... this does not mean i don't think you will pull out of this. a friend of mine was brutally raped and it took her a while and even antidepressants but now she is dating and happy. it's a trauma, an immeaserable trauma, even without HIV let alone with that as a consequence.

I just will send you the warmest wishes for now and hope that you will stick with us and slowly work your way into feeling better. hope you have contacted a rape support hotline to get some coucelling, i also once had a brush in with very unprofessional professionals in mental health, but there are many great ones.

Hugs,

Afraid:
Hello everyone!

Emeraldize I got your pm, but had no clue how I could respond back..
The things you said made me do a lot of thinking, and I think that I will disclose to my family.. I will do it slowly but surely, and with those I feel can handle it.. I am trying to get more educated on my Disease so when the questions start to pour in..I can be prepared to tell them exactly what they need to know. As far as the guy who raped me I have no clue to who he is.. My mother is a judge where I live, and we could come up with nothing..

I have a mentor, and he said to me what am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to tell my family when they know that I was rapped. I told him because my family is very ignorant to the disease I seen how they treated my uncle who passed away from the virus in 01' and I am afraid that my mother will be the one to really turn her back on me, because she's in the public eye.

My assumptions can be wrong. However I am at the point to were I have to face my demons.  

Nunii you said that I have not surrendered To God.
That was a very bold statement that you made. Trust me when I tell you I have, because I am still here! right after my diagnoses I tried to take my life.
I was just to through with God. I just didn't understand why he would allow all these bad things to happen to me. I tried to live right. and first the rape then the disease. I was mad!!!! because all I could think of is all my friend who had many sex partners, and dodged this bullet. I was still trying to get over what happend to me, the Virus was my breaking point.

when I tried to commit suicide, and failed..all I can hear was laughter someone telling me that I didn't get to decide.  He did! Maybe I was still high on all the meds I took, he said have patience and see what I have in store! I was so angry that my attempt failed I tried again when they released me from the hospital. This time I slit my wrist.. Oh but this time it was as easy for me to recoperate my the damage that I did...He made me suffer I mean big time.

I was in pain for days, with no sedation, all I can think of as I layed there was I want to live.. I remember closing my eyes and asking God for his forgiveness. I cried like I never cried before, and the next morning I felt a sense of relief. I felt like this battle that I am facing is not my battle it's his and he proved to me that I don't have any power. I trust in him, and I do believe that he has me in his heart, because I am him.

However I have things that I have to conquer just being human. It's more then just disclosing my status it's me being afraid to be alone with a man..because I'm afraid that he might harm me..Once again these are my demons..and they have a partial hold on me.. It's natural. But it time I ill conquer them, and regain myself with the help of my God!!!

I will go get the book, right after work 2morrow..Thank you guys so much for the support

Dragonette:
Afraid,

I think I know where you are from, and if my intuition is right you have an insanely high amount of both rape and HIV there.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
But it happened. This happened to you. They will have to face it.

If your mama can't see that, she is not fit be neither a judge not a mother. Then I really don't know what kind of world we live it. 

Harsh words... but that's what I feel.

What about your treatment, are you receiving proper care?
Stay strong dear... you are you know.

Hugs,

MOONLIGHT1114:
Hi Afraid,

I have been pos for 13 years, my husband passed the virus to me when he knew that he was infected, but was too scared to tell me.  He died in 1996 and I have been boldly dating (lol) since then.  I have had 3 LTRs and thought the third time would be the charm.  He just split with me during the holidays in December of 2006 because he was scared.  He had had scared feelings for awhile and didn't speak up until it was driving him nuts!  That being said, here I am,  37 years old and single and trying to date again.  I feel like I have a lot to offer a potential partner except I am so scared of getting close now.  The rejection from my last relationship really hit  a nerve, where before I wouldn't have been so hurt.  I have had "first dates" with a few new guys in 2007 and try to stay social.  Some have been "keepers" but I find myself shying away for fear of disclosure.  I believe I have the right to date a man a few times to see if I like HIM before even considering disclosing.  Recently, I have met Mr. Wonderful and he has started asking me out on a regular basis.  I was looking through the posts here because I am scared to death to have the fun end.  We have started getting to know each other better and have had a few good "make out" sessions if you will!  LOL I am petrified and its strange for me because I am so anxious!  A few years ago I would rush into wanting to see someone if I thought they had good character, and a good personality, and if we had things in common.  I bravely told many guys on the third or fourth date about my status, and many went heading for the hills!  I felt like a serial dater!  Now with Mr. Wonderful in the picture, I have been reading through poz.com all day!  I know all of the facts, I know what to tell him, I just have to work on the delivery.  Its so hard not to get emotional when disclosing.  I am praying that God sends me an angel and if Mr. Wonderful is it, great!  I tell myself that if he runs, so be it, he wasn't meant for me and isn't a strong enough man to be with me and support me emotionally.  I haven't disclosed to a potential partner since June 2004 when my last relationship began.  I am so glad I found your post.  Although you and I didn't become pos in exactly the same circumstances, we both had men in the picture who let us down in the worst way possible, tearing at our very core and making us second-guess our worthiness in this world!  Please know that my prayers go out to you.  I wish you courage and perseverance in your struggle to find out who did this to you, and in learning to trust men again.  I am a crying wreck right now as Mr. Wonderful has asked me out again for this Friday night and I see myself as being unworthy.  Its my own defense mechanism kicking in.  I may not tell him this Friday, because it is very early in our "relationship" and we are just dating, but if things go well, the inevitable will have to happen.  Thank you all for letting me vent.  I just started reading poz.com a few days ago and have found great strength in what you have all posted. If anyone wants to PM me and offer advice, I think I have to do one more post before I can reply, but I would welcome any advice.  Wish me luck, I could really use your support!

nunii:
Afraid;

I am sorry if my statement was bold, but I said it because someone told me the same thing when I first found out and yes, I too had a break down crying like I never knew I could, I am a drug and alcohol counselor and found that I had to take a sabatical from my job because I was angry the I contracted this disease and I could count my partners on one hand with fingers left over!  But somehow I had to counsel these women who have put themselves in harms way not once but almost everyday, than I had to deal with girlfriends who boosted about how many men they had running up in them and keep a straight face or act like it was normal.

Because I was afraid of telling people and than I just broke I became so angry that when I found myself talking to someone who was doing everything possible to get this disease and didn't I showed no sympathy and told her exactly how I felt.  Luckily my supervisor is a sensative woman who understood that I was generally a compassionate person but something was not right so after having me in her office for several hours ignoring the clinic, I finally broke and told her what was happening!

My boyfriend of 6 yrs had cheated and now I was paying for his cheating!  I cannot imagine how you feel as for the rape, but I can relate because I trusted this man with all that I was and he "raped" me for lack of a better word, he hurt me to the soul and I had to find my faith.

When my friend of many years told me that I did not completely trust God I was livid!  I yelled at her how dare you tell me that I am living with this and I am believing he will carry me.  She allowed me to yell and when I was finished she simply said, "if you truly believe in him, you would not be ashamed, you would not be afraid and you would have 100% peace."  before I could say anything she left, and for the next week I cried, I was competing with Niagra Falls, I was crying so much.  Until one day I began pryaing and asking god to please help me and come into my heart.

Once I trully believed he would I truly found peace, I am no longer afraid, ashamed, or hidding I am free, I am free, I am able to stand in front of anyone and tell them I am HIV+ and not feel as if I owe them an explanation, if they ask me questions I do not feel obligated to answer them, but I do in the hope that I can change a negative ideal into a positive one.

You may never know why you have been through the things you have had to endure, but I am positive that god is preparing you for something, and that something might already be in front of you, you may make a difference in a person's life, you may educate your family and you may even find out that your mother is not as ignorant as you believe her to be and if she is than you have to understand that her issues are hers and you no longer have to apologize for who you are.

There was a time when a woman was raped people beleived that she asked for it, and not that the man was a sick bastard!  I suggest that you get yourself a jornal and start writing, pray to god for the guidance you need to tell your family and he will answer you.

Only you know your family and only you know if they are capable of recieving the news adequately, but also remember that we often make our own preceptions reality when we are Afraid.

I will have you in my prayers and though we have never met I feel for you and hope that you find what you are looking for, and I hope the book helps.

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