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Afraid of getting close!!!!

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Afraid:


Hello, I am a 28 year old female who was diagnosed almost a year ago.
I must admit that I am taking it pretty well, I surrendered to God, and I have faith that he has my back, and will let no harm come my way.
My issue is that I am afraid of getting close to men, because then I will have to disclose my status..I haven't even told my family..I am just not ready for the response that they might give me, so I have been carrying this load alone, with the help of God..I have been dating this guy, and I like him a lot, However I feel myself purposely pushing him away, because I am afraid of what might happend when it time for me to disclose to him..Any advice on how I can just relax a little more, and just enjoy it while it last..because I pushed him away when that's not really what I want.
Please help me..I don't want to be alone

Dragonette:
hi there & welcome to the forums,

well first of all great that you are dating someone you like, i don't know how long but you can delay the sex for a while until you feel comfortable disclosing, you don't have to make him feel rejected just keep a good vibe and feeling between you but let the sex hang back. of course you do not have to tell (at least not where i live) but i deeply recommend to disclose before something sexual happens since you want a relationship with this guy. i wish we could predict his reponse but that's impossible the only thing is the longer he knows you and the more he gets attached and appreciated you as a human being rather than "a date" (do you know what i mean?) the bigger the chance that he could be up for a relationship regardless. these things happen all the time (even to me and i didn't beleive it would ever happen). all guys are different but you will know when is the right time when your relation is sincere and deep enough to tell. some people would say disclose as soon as possible, i don't know but i think the more you can trust the person and sense how "liberal" and "open" he is (for lack of better words) the more you will be comfortable.

We are used to think of HIV as a tragedy and it certainly is no laughing matter but if you percieve it as what it is with regard to a relationship - an inconvenience, a hurdle, and obstacle, and imperfection - as a Problem rather than a Dark Secret I think it is easier to go through life in general, people accept it more (in general) when you project that it is serious, yes, but not the end of the world. It's very hard to change how we think ourselves i struggle with it all the time. you are not alone, there are more than 40 million people like you,  you have HIV it is not the best thing that happened (in an understatement), but it is not the end of everything. It is do-able.... You can do it. If you can talk to a councellor or a social worker I recommend it, or join a HIV group where you live, so you can get support.

Lots of luck and take good care, will keep fingers crossed for you. 

Afraid:
I did go and see a counselor once before, and that was a nightmare..I ended up in the physc ward in the hospital, because she over re acted to what I said..she asked me have I ever thought about suicide, and I told her yeah, and she asked how would I do it..and I told her next thing I know security was in the room, waiting to escort me to the hospital. I contracted this disease when I was raped a year ago. I was leaving a friends party and someone felt that it was time for them to take my virginity. I was waiting on marriage to share that special experience with my husband. That's what hurts me the most, the fact that I wasn't sleeping around and this still happened..Honestly I wish that I was sleeping around and this happened it will just make more sense to me..at first I use to think, why me?..then one day God said why not you?

What makes you exempt from the rest of the world??
I just thought at that moment you are so right.. I am no different from no one else. I am just scared that this disease is going to keep me alone for the rest of my life..I will not allow anyone to get close to me..I could really like them, then I start to sabotage the relationship so they will be mad at me, and not want to be bothered anymore..I rather for them to reject me that way..then to find out my status then leave me alone..It will just crush my soul. So here I am just trying to find my way at this point, maybe I will call around and start looking for another counsler..I really need to talk and vent..I know God is probably saying oh no not you again...lol
thanks so musch for the advice

nunii:
Afraid,

I don't know you but I know God and let me tell you that you haven't surrendered to God because if you had, you would not be afraid of getting close to men, instead you would hold your head up high and believe with every fiber of your being that HE HAS YOUR BACK and when he puts that man in front of you, he will love you inspite of your disease, now please don't believe that everyman that tells you how pretty you are is "the man."

Let God show you who he is, and believe that you will find him, I held to the man that infected me for three years after finding out and paid for it, losing friends, family and a lot in between because I did not believe that God had my back, once I realized that he did and that holding on to this man was not what I needed to be doing guess what happened I found peace, my family and everything else.

Let go of your fear and allow God to work his miracle in your life;

Here's a prayer that helped me when I was letting go:

Dear God;
Please show me your will.  My joy comes from you, and so I ask that You show me how I can bring You joy.  I am willing to serve You wholeheartedly.  Use me Lord, Thank You for everything. Amen

Your promise to God;
I will pray for your guidance and follow your counsel.

This prayer was taken out of Bishiop T. D. Jakes Promises from God for Single Women,  if you can purchase this book I believe it will help you in your quest to allow God into your heart and allow him to work his miricale with you as he has me.
After living with this illness and believing that God does have my back I am at peace and I am not afraid of getting close to anyone for those who shun you don't belong in your life and those who accept you are God's promises to you that he truly knows your heart.

emeraldize:
Hello Afraid
I sent a PM to you.
Em

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